Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Red000

Just Found Out :
My Husband is on Ashley Madison Dump

This Topic is Archived
default

NeverAgain2013 ( member #38121) posted at 12:03 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Unfortunately, you've given him a HUGE gift - a 48 hour window in which to delete all the evidence before Friday's 'talk.' He'll spend the next 2 days deleting the contents of his secret email accounts, deleting any types of files, pictures, profiles on sex hookup sites, chat histories, etc. etc. that he can find - everything. And, he's now got 48 hours to come up with a great lie to explain why he was on AM.

Don't be surprised if he claims one of two possible lies for why he was on AM:

One: he's been 'hacked' by some evil person who used all his private information and credit card info to create a profile and has been using it for years pretending to be him. You'd be amazed at how many lying cheats try to claim 'hackers' were doing these things - it wasn't them, dammit! They were framed!

Two: He was doing it for a 'friend' who didn't have a credit card to create a profile or perhaps this poor deprived individual didn't have a smart phone or/computer in which to conduct his Ashley Madison 'business.' So, your overly kind and philanthropic husband has been conducting this poor sap's business FOR him.

Lots of betrayeds get that bullshit story as well.

Unfortunately, all you did was tip your hand to him so he could start erasing all the signs of the dirty deeds he's been up to for years. Once he's destroyed all the evidence, he'll probably embark on a full scale gas-lighting campaign to make you doubt everything you've been thinking or assuming.

This crap sure isn't for the weak-willed or feint of heart.

Good luck to you.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

posts: 6327   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 7320521
default

sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 1:39 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

*sigh*

You tipped your hand.

You'll see what we meant by that all in good time. We've got the experience behind us, unfortunately.

D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

posts: 5718   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2004   ·   location: NY
id 7320569
default

confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 1:44 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I'll come back later and personally thank those that posted here but now I need to look forward.

I hope this doesn't mean you're going to stop posting now. Right now, you have an unremorseful WH, who is busy deleting evidence and calling all OW, to warn them that you know. There are ways to retrieve some of the things he is deleting. We can help you with that, among other things.

This takes 3-5 years to heal from...yes..you need to move forward...but you have been traumatized...you will need to process and deal with what has happened. Please don't rugsweep.

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7320574
default

Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 2:22 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Are you aware that this thread is part of an article on The Daily Beast website?

posts: 1638   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 7320611
default

Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 2:34 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Sorry. Double post.

[This message edited by Charity411 at 8:35 AM, August 20th (Thursday)]

posts: 1638   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 7320618
default

solus sto ( member #30989) posted at 2:42 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

((((DevastatedMother))) I'm really sorry you're here.

I know that the prevailing opinion is that you should wait, gather evidence, etc.

The thing is, waiting and gathering evidence serves only one purpose: it convinces the BS that the WS is cheating.

You already know. Please don't let others convince you you made a grave error. You had enough to satisfy yourself, and NO ONE ELSE is interested in the "evidence." No lawyer, no judge, no one.

No one except, perhaps, the spouses of the women your husband met. For them, I would keep copies of what you found.

Yes, you've given your husband the opportunity to delete incriminating evidence. That doesn't un-fuck women you know he met, so that really isn't all that big of an error.

If you are satisfied you have what YOU need, do not give a moment's thought to having "tipped your hand," or somehow have handled this incorrectly.

Do hang on to the evidence you have. The reason for this is simply to remind YOURSELF, when your husband twists the truth, lies, and tries (as hard as he will) to convince you that there is something wrong with YOU--that you are insane, evil, delusional, sick---that you, in fact, know the truth.

I know it sounds crazy, but some WSs will work very, very hard---at great cost to their spouses' emotional well-being---to convince their BSs that they are wrong, that they are crazy. Be prepared for this. Be prepared, when your husband starts this to look him in the eye, and tell him to immediately stop---that he will NOT jeopardize your physical and emotional well-being by doing this. He's harmed you enough.

In the meantime,if you're inclined, you can continue to gather what evidence remains before he deletes it. It is a given that he will scrub his devices. If each detail is important to you, investigate data recovery.

But the fact of the matter is that you already know all you need to know about your husband, his activities, and most importantly, his character.

The one thing you MUST do ---today---is schedule STD testing.

I'm really, really sorry.

[This message edited by solus sto at 8:43 AM, August 20th (Thursday)]

BS-me, 60; X-irrelevant; we’re D & NC.
"So much for the past and present. The future is called 'perhaps,' which is the only possible thing to call the future. And the important thing is not to let that scare you." Tennessee Williams

posts: 15629   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2011   ·   location: midwest
id 7320631
default

letdownandlonely ( member #47125) posted at 2:52 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

So sorry you are here.

What a wonderful friend you have, it must have been awful for her, but she did the right thing. My very best wishes and respect to her.

Me BSO 52
Him ?
1 4+ yr LTA PA EA, 3 OP PA porn, cams, Sites.
You can't live in two places at once. - Buck Brannaman.

posts: 293   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2015   ·   location: UK
id 7320644
default

industriousbee ( member #41324) posted at 3:00 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I'm sorry you had to find us here in this group. I found WH email address but have not found a way to get the details yet. I hear some people are able to access the website but none of them have worked for me I wish I had a friend as tech savvy as yours to get the details.

I'm not sure if you work or stay at home but when I had my D day I found it really helpful to start seeing a counselor immediately. I qualified for some sort of diagnosis that allowed me to take three months leave on short term disability from work. Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself during this time. I promise it will not hurt as bad one day.

Married 9 years
ME BS 32
HIM WS 35
DD 3 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

posts: 151   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2013
id 7320658
default

ADryHeat ( member #46484) posted at 4:36 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I know that the prevailing opinion is that you should wait, gather evidence, etc.

The thing is, waiting and gathering evidence serves only one purpose: it convinces the BS that the WS is cheating.

You already know. Please don't let others convince you you made a grave error. You had enough to satisfy yourself, and NO ONE ELSE is interested in the "evidence." No lawyer, no judge, no one.

No one except, perhaps, the spouses of the women your husband met. For them, I would keep copies of what you found.

Yes, you've given your husband the opportunity to delete incriminating evidence. That doesn't un-fuck women you know he met, so that really isn't all that big of an error.

If you are satisfied you have what YOU need, do not give a moment's thought to having "tipped your hand," or somehow have handled this incorrectly.

What Solus said. I confronted my STBX on DDay last year based on one very nebulous text. I'm sure he deleted tons of shit after that but it didn't matter. He cheated. That was what I needed to know. We tried for awhile to work through it. Then 8 months later when I discovered he'd since signed up for AM I confronted that very day. At that point it REALLY didn't matter wtf he hid...it was already over.

Gently to my other JFO veterans...Thursday morning quarterbacking her isn't going to change what happened. She doesn't need to feel bad about how she's handled being a betrayed wife. I know we are all trying to help but what's done is done.

[This message edited by ADryHeat at 10:47 AM, August 20th (Thursday)]

Me: BS
Married 11 years, 2 young kids
DDay 11/3/14, Discovered he was still a fuckwit: 7/10/15
DIVORCED 11/12/2015
"Sometimes when you're in a dark place you think you've been buried, but actually you've been planted."

posts: 2395   ·   registered: Jan. 24th, 2015   ·   location: AZ
id 7320762
default

Rebreather ( member #30817) posted at 5:07 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I'm glad you've done what you've done. You can only control so much and you'll never get all the info. If you meet him and his tech has been scrubbed, well. That tells you a lot, doesn't it?

I really, strongly encourage you to stay dark. He has to feel what it is going to be like to live without you. If you respond to any begging or pleading, it'll soften this for him. Your job is to scare the shit out of him right now and maybe he starts to work on himself.

That's assuming you have any interest in reconciling, of course. That isn't the way you have to go and isn't something you have to decide right now either. In either direction.

I just want to give you a little hug and wish you well these next few days. Take care of yourself. You'll cry more tears in the next few months than you have in the rest of your life. I'm glad you have your friend.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

posts: 8015   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2011
id 7320813
default

Change2Be ( member #47878) posted at 5:08 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I agree. We posted our advice based on our own experiences and, for some of us, mistakes we thought we made in hindsight. DM did what she needed to do based on her situation. Let's be here for her going forward. Friday is going to be a difficult day.

DM, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope this will be a place you feel you can come to process what is happening and get encouragement. I am so glad you have tech savvy friend helping you through this.


Dday: May, 2015

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou

posts: 130   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2015
id 7320814
default

lovesobroken ( member #43588) posted at 5:08 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Exactly what Solus said, why wait for more proof? You have pages of it. I think the proof irrefutable, Taking a day or a week is not going to change what he did, you know every chat and email. Sometimes you have to do what you "need for yourself" not the situation. I would take these days off to look at other trails, credit cards, bank statements, meet with a lawyer (just so you are prepared) and confront him. Try to eat, sleep, take long walks and gather support ((()))

posts: 584   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2014
id 7320816
default

Sillyshiloh ( member #43900) posted at 6:17 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I agree that you should dig and find out what more there is before it's too late. I acted abruptly and a year later, I am still dealing with trickle truth. Trust me. Knowledge is power, they cannot deny affairs when the proof is right in front of them.

I wish I had not acted so quickly and dealt with my husbands betrayal differently....they will deny deny deny. Just be warned.

Me - 47
WS - 48
Together 30 years - married almost 25

WS betrayed me 11 years ago....just found out.

DDay, May 15, 2014

posts: 52   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2014
id 7320903
default

 DevastatedMother (original poster new member #49060) posted at 8:34 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I haven't slept since I found out.

My husband (it pains me to write that word!) has tried to call but I'm not answering. Tomorrow I have to make an immediate decision as our children are due back from my parents' house in the evening.

I don't need any more information. My husband knows that I know everything, and I don't care about his other tweets. I even have a post on his "girlfriend's" facebook page with his picture in it!

Right now, it's the children I'm worried about. But thre rest comes later. Divorce? I don't know. I just don't know.

I really am torn about wanting to have found out or not, but I know it cant' go on like this. We are meeting for lunch tomorrow near his work.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 7321101
default

donotlietome ( member #26478) posted at 8:41 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this. We are here for you.

posts: 350   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2009
id 7321108
default

HobbesTheTiger ( member #41477) posted at 9:04 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I strongly urge you to have your friend (or some other friend) wait for you nearby so you'll have immediate support during/after the meeting.

Best wishes

posts: 3597   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2013
id 7321133
default

Rebreather ( member #30817) posted at 9:04 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

What's he saying? Is the affair ongoing?

Hang in there girlfriend. You'll make it.

Not sleeping is normal. Throwing up is normal. Hysterics is normal.

Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Rec'd.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

posts: 8015   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2011
id 7321135
default

 DevastatedMother (original poster new member #49060) posted at 9:06 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I posted in the wrong thread earlier.

I just found out that I was on the Daily Beast! This is not good. I know this is an open forum but I really don't like me out in the open.

WHY does the daily Beast have to scream MY name and problem out?

I can't take this. I gotta go. I know you've all been very helpful but I can't be in public. I wish the Daily Beast would be more caring about what they put up.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 7321138
default

MCGar ( member #20928) posted at 9:19 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Maybe we can ask the mods to delete this thread for her? I'm sure this is absolutely painful enough without lookie loos coming onto her thread.

OP I recommend you change your username and just lurk on here for a while. Look up the 180 and take care of yourself!

My sincerest prayers for you.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2008
id 7321154
default

 DevastatedMother (original poster new member #49060) posted at 9:39 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Please don't delete I'm better now.

The feelings are just rushing back and forth now. I guess Beast just responded, and my identity is not known, only my online name. My friend saw the Daily Beast article and said it's harmless as they don't have my real information and calmed me down. I know that no harm was done to me and actually will probably be beneficial in the long run if more people come here.

I'm getting ready for tomorrow. I know I'm going to leave for awhile but not sure about the kids yet, so I'll know after our talk.

Speaking of my friend she said that I have enough information, and that's not as important as moving forward. Even if there is more information, it won't affect what I'll do.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 7321191
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220905 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy