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Just Found Out :
My Husband is on Ashley Madison Dump

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superchump ( member #47258) posted at 9:59 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I am afraid NeverAgain is right.

I am so sorry Devisated.. I did the same thing, I told the SOB and all he did was lie, gaslight, manipulate and continued to see his whore behind my back for MONTHS.

Now, it's done but whatever you do honey, you are NOT crazy, he is a LIAR and probably a cheater, and you do NOT deserve this. DO NOT let him try to turn this shit around on you.

Anything less than taking FULL responsibility and agreeing to whatever terms YOU think up would be unacceptable.

Cheaters don't often change. Big Big Hugs and keep posting, we are here for you. We know exactly how you feel.

Me: BS 40's
Him: WS 40's
2 sons
Dday: January 2015- ILYBNILWY speech
EA discovered February 2015
Divorce filed April 2015
Wants another chance.. proceeding cautiously

posts: 1088   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 7321213

better4me ( member #30341) posted at 10:14 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015


I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. This site saved my sanity and my life and you will find very good support here.

If you'd like to change your user name, just post a new topic with "Mod please" as the subject and they will contact you and help you to set up a new identity. Your anonymity is important here.

DDay 11/17/2010 BW:58
Happily remarried!

posts: 4246   ·   registered: Dec. 9th, 2010   ·   location: Missouri
id 7321233

Change2Be ( member #47878) posted at 10:19 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015


You are doing great! You are really strong. I'm sorry about the article-you must have felt personally targeted. I think your story just resonates-and is probably representative I'm afraid. But another part of the story was the help and support of this community. And how you are going to get through this.

Dday: May, 2015

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou

posts: 130   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2015
id 7321241

Lovedyoumore ( member #35593) posted at 10:20 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Devastated Mom, we have your back. I cannot imagine seeing my stuff online right after signing up. I would have shut down and gone away and missed out on some life changing words from the great people here. Please, do not let this keep you from using SI.

The other site that used you was wrong to do so without permission. But remember, you really are anonymous here. I have no idea who you are and you do not know anything about me that I do not chose to share. Everyone here will support you, care about you, lift you up, and help you navigate the next few months. We get it.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

posts: 3626   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Southern, bless your heart
id 7321242

yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 10:39 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

Hey there DM. +1 more that just wanted to throw some support your way. SI is a place that I can honestly say changed my life and hopefully will be a sacred place for you as well. Don't worry about the media. That's the last thing you need right now. Focus on your main issue at hand and lean on us. You have over 49,000 new best friends that want to help you so stick around.

Very sorry you have good reason to be here. Keep reading. Keep posting.

Sending you strength and courage to get you through.


"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

posts: 4519   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Northeast US
id 7321267

Dark Inertia ( member #30727) posted at 11:18 PM on Thursday, August 20th, 2015

I am glad for you that you have your friend to keep you grounded. Good luck, and I am sorry you are caught up in this horrible mess. :(

posts: 1842   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2011   ·   location: The Ohio
id 7321317

rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 2:36 AM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

sorry DevastatedMother about the Daily Beast thing..

it's what you were're anonymous.

besides, it has a positive effect. it shows clearly to anyone who read the story the reality of what it means to be an ashley madison cheater. there's going to be a trail of destroyed BS and wrecked M's. doesn't fit in with that exotic, no strings attached excitement like it's promoted to be.

that's what cheaters have to know, or more importantly, would be cheaters-- what it does to those they presumably love and care about. only a BS has any idea of what the hurt and pain this is and how bad it is. it's not some joke in a TV comedy. when others come here and read it, they can see what this is in real life, as opposed to sexy scenes on TV.

this pain is enduring, life changing and more than likely the worst of our lives aside from the death of a child or death of a faithful lifelong spouse. it is often worse than the pain from the loss of a long lived parent.

keep posting, DevastatedMother. just make sure you don't inadvertently say things that makes it easy to identity you.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 1009   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 7321492

rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 1:18 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

a one line from this thread appeared in the DailyMail and SI was mentioned by name.

this will increase traffic here and these lying cheaters, trollers and leering goons can see what they've done to people's lives.

reality will bite everyone when they see what actually happens from getting involved in scummy, selfish A's.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 1009   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 7321833

Change2Be ( member #47878) posted at 1:58 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

How are you doing, DM?

Thinking of you and sending my thoughts your way.

Dday: May, 2015

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou

posts: 130   ·   registered: May. 14th, 2015
id 7321875

confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 2:06 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

Good morning, DM. How are you today?

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 7321884

WornDown ( member #37977) posted at 2:54 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

she said that I have enough information, and that's not as important as moving forward. Even if there is more information, it won't affect what I'll do.

Truer words have not been written.

Good luck to you today DM.

Me: BH (50); exW (49): Way too many guys to count. Three kids (D, D, S, all >20)Together 25 years, married 18; Divorced (July 2015)

I divorced a narc. Separate everything. NC as much as humanly possible and absolutely no phone calls. - Ch

posts: 3359   ·   registered: Jan. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: Around the Block a few times
id 7321944

doggiediva ( member #33806) posted at 3:05 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

I agree knowing EVERYTHING about a WS's behavior can harmful for some people..Everybody is individual in how they handle this mess..You seem to already know enough to implicate him..Even the INTENT to cheat is betrayal..You may want to save what evidence you have, you might need it if divorce is the route you take..

I lived in a long marriage that was imbalanced in the give and take..

I mean severely imbalanced..I was the main breadwinner/sole breadwinner..I also pulled my fair share in taking care of our kiddos, and I made it a point to be at most of their evening activities..Scouts, school programs, etc..

At the end of the day, by bedtime, I was one tired mama..Yet the WH had the gall to complain about my tiredness..

People who will complain that their marriages/relationships lack excitement, but who do nothing to contribute to a marriage's excitement are needy/whiny in my book....

When people talk to casual observers about their spouses, their families, in such a negative light, a red flag alarms in my head..

I see such people as gossips..Not to be trusted..I may be the next person this gossip spreads awful rumors about..These losers are needy whiny complainers..They want to look good at the expense of others..

Chances are if one has lived with such a needy whiny bitch/SOB for any long length of time, has endured problems and made major sacrifices in this marriage, any cheating noted will be a deal breaker..

Because it is so much harder to tolerate the spoiled neediness from a spouse if we feel that we are nothing more exciting to him or her than a soft place to fall, a meal ticket...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:48 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

63 years young..

posts: 4078   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2011   ·   location: Texas
id 7321959

MellowYellow ( member #48368) posted at 3:20 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

I am sending you strength and support today.

MellowYellow Cause this name has nothing to do with me or how I feel. So far removed from it I can't tell you how far
DDay 06/15
Trying for R

posts: 135   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2015
id 7321979

hopefulmother ( member #38790) posted at 5:10 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

DevestatedMother: I am glad you changed your mind about staying. In time you find that you are an inspiration and a light to many of the newly betrayed from AM. We are all here to help you and the many others through this.

In addition, some of his messages were printed which said that he is in a boring marriage.

I know this statement had to hurt horribly. But, let me remind you that you were in a marriage and if your husband was bored as being part of a "team" in a M it was his job to fix that too (this is no reflection on you or your shortcomings in the M- you were supposed to be a team). It wasn't your fault. It was his. He was the weak link in your family. He was the one that chose to not fix "bored" and go after something that was easy and didn't require work. Instead of fighting for his M, instead of making the M work, instead of fighting for his family, instead of being a man of integrity and honor for his children, instead of creating date nights with you, instead of communicating his issues...he chose to abandon his family. I am so sorry that you find yourself married to an immature and weak man. All of these WS on AM are the bottom of the barrel right now; weak, broken, and pathetic. This is their crisis and it is and never was about you. I hope and pray he becomes a remorseful WS and changes.

Please stay and let us help you through this. Let us help you find your peace and strength. We promise you will make it through this with your daughters and you will find joy again.

Me-BW 44
WH-44 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 children
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

posts: 1991   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: PA
id 7322136

Lovinglife ( new member #49118) posted at 5:14 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

Where do we get additional information on this? I plugged in my husbands email and sure enough there it was. No surprise since I found texts from his married coworker on his phone. I didn't see a profile or anything like that. How do we see those?

posts: 3   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2015
id 7322143

 DevastatedMother (original poster new member #49060) posted at 5:29 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

Thank you for your support. Well, I'm off to see my husband for lunch. I have decided not to pursue investigating anything more, but instead am going to tell him I'm leaving for a week once the kids come home. I haven't told anyone else, and I presume he hasn't, though it doesn't matter.

I'm going to tell...not ASK, but TELL...him to take next week off and stay home and watch the kids. I know he can take the week off, so he won't be able to give an excuse. Even with all the fallout, he is a good father, and I want to make sure he knows where his priorities lie. If he is not willing to take the week off, then I know that any chance we have of staying together is over.

I'm going to take a flight to Monterrey, Mexico, to write for a week. I will call my 10-year old daughter every day, and talk to her brother, but not talk to my husband. I'm going to take the time to fully think this through.

I appreciate everyone telling me about getting evidence, but the major "crime" has been exposed. I frankly don't care if he did it more than the four times I know he cheated. I also refuse to contact his lover, as her life is irrelevant to me at this time.

I'm literally shaking as I write, constantly hitting the backspace button, but at least my resolve is to move forward. Once the week is over, I'll return home to my children, and then decide if I want to do about our relationship. One thing I do know, at this point it is MY choice, and I have you here in the forum for me to focus ont hat. The only factor that may change one way or the other is the relationship with our kids.

My friend has cleaned up the transcripts of all the Ashley Madison material to about 10 pages. I'm going to take them with me, but I'm not going to dwell on it. Mainly, I want my husband to know that I know about it completely.

Sorry for the long post but it's time for lunch. We are meeting at 11:30. I'll let everyone know what happened since you are here for me.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2015   ·   location: Colorado
id 7322163

ShiningAutumn8 ( member #42558) posted at 5:54 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

Howd it go?

Is he going to watch the kids while you go to mexico?

Im not sure what his willingness to take a week of work to watch the kids has to do with your willingness to reconcile. But I do hope your

time to be alone and think goes very well.

(Also, I still don't really get how the chats were available on the data dump is I have not heard of that before.)

posts: 1289   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2014
id 7322187

hopefulmother ( member #38790) posted at 6:11 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

I am sure many of us here could not be any prouder of you. It takes some of us a long time to get to your point of focusing on yourself and not on keeping/winning your husband back. You have identified the main issue and are not getting caught up in all the details. I pray and hope your Mexico break brings you everything you need in moving forward. You are an amazing strong woman.

Me-BW 44
WH-44 zugzwang
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends since 1993
Married 2004 with 2 children
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

posts: 1991   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: PA
id 7322206

rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 6:37 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

Kudos to DevastatedMother who came so far, so fast to a coherent strategy and mature view in dealing with this whole AM base A mess she is now tangled up in.

No matter what you decide, DM, we will support your decision. you will have thought out what it really means for you, for your children and placing last is WH, who may or may not be part of your future. your call.

we're looking forward you to do what you must do and we await your return.

good luck DevastatedMother, you really get it.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 1009   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 7322235

GreatRoleModel ( member #36809) posted at 6:47 PM on Friday, August 21st, 2015

Ditto to what rugswept posted above ^^^ We are here when you are ready and big hugs to you and you have an amazing friend IRL! Just know you don't have to come back with every decision made and this is a roller coaster ride no matter your decision.

BS (me)
It takes a village to deal with the village idiot!
“If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane.”
― Robert Frost

posts: 493   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2012   ·   location: USA
id 7322246
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