SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

IIRC, OM no longer teaches at the school, but there is still contact between him and the kid, although not direct contact.

I'm wondering if she's dropped her friend, the one who helped her fool you? Is she completely nc with her?

Remember np5, she also got upset reading here when she was still in the affair. Because she knew we knew, and she wanted you to get no support, no advice,because it was easier for her to get away with it. Now she's upset again...because she knows we are right...And that doesn't suit her agenda.

She can say she's not a cheater...But until she does the work...She's just a dry cheater, like a dry drunk. Rather than reading your posts and getting pissed, her time would be much better spent asking in the wayward forum for help.

Did you ever put the kids in therapy? Or are they expected to pretend because anything else upsets mom? What has she done to repair the damage she's done to those kids? The last time I asked, you said nothing,that she was hoping it would.just fix itself. I hope that's changed.

You say she's devastated. Well, she could have stopped this a very long time ago. I don't think she's all that devastated, to be honest. She has known all along what she was doing. And she kept it going until you finally said no more. Then came the poly and confession. Then you relented on your dealbreakers..She broke nc...an it was a physical affair. So she saw she could manipulate you, if she love bombs you enough, if she cries enough.

I agree with Tush....many of us have been with you from the beginning. We care. We are all trying to help you help yourself.

I agree with Confused completely.

I will go one step further.

Personally, I don't think 'Love' is the reason you are staying, NP. I think your love for her has taken a major hit.

I feel you are staying for the kids because a torn family will hurt all 5 of them but so will a dysfunctional family if you stay together as well. You are erring on the safe side of a shit sandwich.

Further, I feel you fear the destruction of the financial situation of both sides if there is a divorce. Edith will fight you there. Tons will go to attorneys. Both sides will suffer. I think you are dwelling on this as well though you haven't said so. The other option is limbo and growing old with someone who murdered you, except you are still alive somehow.

Finally, while I hope that the IC and MC don't blame you for her affair, which has happened already BTW, I do feel you show signs of huge codependency. Before you move forward with reconciliation after this last battle of TT, you need to fix that. Because Edith's manipulations of you, the many that have occurred, will only continue as long as you are vulnerable to it

If you want the truth then fuck the formal statement, get her to sign a post-nuptial giving you favorable custody.

All a formal statement is going to give you is yet another opportunity for her to lie to you.

Get the post nup

Then get the poly

If you still want to do the formal statement then just substitute it for a written time line which would have needed to occur prior to the poly anyways.

As it's been said a few times, if she even has a minor lie from this point out then we all know what the consequence is. I know you've gotten all those ducks in a row, it's just time to (finally) push the button.

Formality is in our lives for a reason.

I used to be Lutheran. I became Catholic. I used to just silently ask God directly for forgiveness. Now there is a formal procedure for asking forgiveness with a priest present (alone) in a confessional. What and Why does it matter?

It matters. That's all I can say. There is something about doing a review of your conscience, writing down all the stuff and ways you screwed up and then verbally confessing. It has an impact on me and many others as well.

When you get married, you don't just say, "hey, let's be married". You go through a lot of trouble and formality.

Edith broke those vows, severely, in about the worst possible way. It would do her and I good to return to the formality and officially hear -- I broke my vows to you and before god.

Now there won't be a hundred people there to hear it. Praise in public, correct in private, they say. But it will still be a formal acknowledgement that she deeply betrayed her husband and family, destroying the marriage.

I'm sorry. I still don't get it. You seem to be conflating formal religious ceremony, and simple communication. Yes, you took vows. Yes, your WW *(and mine!) broke those vows. But that doesn't get fixed by having another religious ceremony (which your schedule event is not). I get the concept of spoken amends. Sure. But this whole notion of circling a date on the calendar, in the future, and essentially saying "Then! We will work on our issues next month" smacks of avoidance to me, with a dose of agony and self flagellation built in for good measure.

As the Nike slogan says... "Just Do It".

Putting this off just allows the infection to fester.

I have borderline personality disorder and I'm bipolar. My heart goes out to you and I do pray for you and your family. Mental illness is hell. Despite the fact that I am working hard to get better this shit is hard.....for ALL of us. I've done more than just cheat I've hurt those I cared most for. I've emotionally abused both my husband and kids for years. My heart goes out to anyone married to someone like me. I'm so sorry.

She is avoiding that Monday night out like the plague. She only gives parking lot confessions and she only does it because she has more in reserve, so gives the trickle. She knows NP5 will break if she has cheated on him again and there is too much smoke around that night for nothing to have occurred. She has seemingly given up some information on him and for some reason wants a quick poly. Now. a few weeks ago she didn't and steadfastly refused. The only reason IMHO she would do that, given past behavior, is because NotPerfec5 is now asking the questions that she wants him to ask. It's our job to convince him to ask other ones.

I sure as hell hope that I'm wrong.

[This message edited by eric1 at 11:51 AM, November 12th (Thursday)]

NP5 needs to ask the toughest questions period. No soft coating it. Just get to the heart of it, including if there have ever been any other guys....

She is showing characteristics of a serial cheat. He needs to know and like yesterday

The format of the disclosure is set by the IC?

They've this "she confesses. He says his feelings. Then they talk about marital issues" as their standard format for infidelity?

Did Edith ask for this latest "I'm telling you the whole truth" disclosure after her last TT, which I'm sure she insists is the rest of it?

Please keep writing a time line of this np5. I think in day to day it's easy to get caught up in "oh well now she's sorry..things look up today " and miss sight of the larger picture and pattern of what's going on.

I actually believe Edith likely is devastated. Just not for the reasons of the A.

I suspect it has more to do with the image others have of her and her inability to control that image. Hence np5 having the role of comforting her and sticking up for her. It is devastating when she cant control others image. There are some areas she has more control - Her religious confessions. Now her use of MC. This site is like a hurricane, though, she stopped posting when she realized she didn't have control.

I'm betting 99% of the exchanges with OM were written in a similar image-controlling vein. Probably heavy romance and shakespearean. She is the tragic hero of her own casting.

I can't explain why but I just have this feeling that Edith is still in the A. Maybe there has been no NC at all or they've taken it deep underground. Idk. I feel like it would explain a lot of her behavior throughout this whole ordeal.

Hugs.

Winner winner, chicken dinner. Abby said the exact thing I've believed for a while.

FWIW, Tush, confused, western, and Lark are all pretty dead on too.

Lark, I completely agree. She's devastated by her image shattering which is why she said she isn't a liar or adulterer and has NP5 convinced it wasn't really her making all those decisions to lie and cheat. She can't take being the bad guy yet has no problem earning the title.

Abby has a point.

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I know the 2x4s are coming pretty hard and a lot of speculation that you probably do not want to here.

As a highly analytical person, I know you know that the conclusions, while speculative, have at least some data to correlate.

Strength to you sir. We truly want your healing.

How are you doing NP5? Thinking of you and Edith....

He posted on another thread the other day. There was more truth/lies revealed before the latest poly.

Np5.....don't be embarrassed to reach out for support.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Wishing you only the best.

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by Ginny at 11:55 PM, November 23rd (Monday)]

So.....I know you're reading,NP5. You're just purposely avoiding this thread. Im gonna comment anyway.

She broke NC THREE WEEKS AGO???? To warn him that you might expose him...to protect him. Your words. To protect HIM.

WHY ISN'T SHE PROTECTING YOU?????

You will never be able to heal and stay married to her....because she is going to continue to abuse you. She has proven it...over..and over..and over. She is not stupid. She has known exactly what she's been doing all along. She has been manipulating you...and you continue to give her chance,after chance,because of the person you WANT her to be. She is NOT that person.

The only time she is honest with you, is when she knows there's going to be a polygraph test. I know she admitted this before the poly...did you go through with the test?

So...now what?

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:05 AM, November 24th (Tuesday)]

She broke NC 3 weeks ago!! I'm sorry NP5.

Edith, I'm guessing you still read here. I hope you will start posting in the wayward section. You really need help. I'm not trying to be mean, but you are going to lose your husband and family if you continue.