SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out about a month ago that my wife (sorry about not using abbrev) - was having an affair for the past 7 months with my best friend. My wife is also best friends with other guys wife. We have 1 child (12 years) - and the other family has 3 kids - we are in the same school - and in same grade class as one of their children.

I have been walking every morning with the other man for 3 years - we travel a fair amount together and have family dinners at least 1x/week.

BTW - my wife had an affair with a DR. (she is on medical field) - 17 yers ago - which lasted 4 months. More on this later.

I found out about this current affair on Oct. 16/15. I got a call that morning from Mr. Homewrecker (which I will refer to him as) - saying he could not walk today (after dropping kids off at school) - he would be on a call. No problem - I'll walk with dog - and head home. About 90 minutes later I get a call from my wife saying that she got a call from the other mom - saying that when she got home from dropping kids off - she overheard a call on speakerphone (they both work from home) - and realized he was talking to his mistress. The other mom - on call with my wife (remember they are very good friends) - asking if they could get together later that day - she is distraught that her husband is having an affair. My wife says yes - she is there for her (story get more sick). My wife then calls me and asks - if other man (Mr Homewrecker) is having an affair. I say I have no idea. About 2 hours later I get a call from other mom asking same question - is her husband having an affair.

I have had suspicians there was something going on over the past summer - even confronted my wife - which she denied. After call from other mom - I went home and logged into cell phone account - which I would hope would answer some questions. My wife had recently (August) purchased a new cell phone - and was adamant about me not setting up voice mail or email. Plus she used the finger print security feature on it. When I logged into account - I realized that I was the administrator on the account (we have a # of bundles services) - and could over-ride her password. I had my fingers crossed and was saying a prayer - when I logged in. BINGO. I could see all the text messages and phone records for the first 13 days of October. There were more that 1700 texts and 75 phone calls during that period. I called the other mom to say I think we have our answer - but needed to know what time of morning did she overhear the call on speakerphone. The #'s on the account I was viewing was fro his cell # - she said it was his desk line - and there it was - a 28 minute call that my wife had placed to his desk line.

I then looked back through other months (April-October 2015) and saw > 17,000 texts and over 150 hours of calls between them.

Did some more research and saw that there were more than 250 + sexting photos and videos of them having sex together.

I found my wifes old phone - and realized she had deleted all texts and any photos off that phone. I am pretty computer savvy - so purchased an app that allows you to recover old texts/photos etc. I was able to recover 11,000 texts and many of the pictures.

When so got home that night after seeing other mom - and sitting across table from her and crying with her - that "we will get through this" - and "you should fight for your marriage" (this is now sounding physcopathic) - I gave her the cold shoulder. I was disgusted. Could not sleep a wink that night - so at 4 am got up and logged back into cellular account to see if I could put a block on Mr Homewreckers #'s (cell and desk). My wife must have seen a light on - so got up. She asked what I was doing - told her some business stuff - but she grabbed the list of calls that I had printed off. I told her she was the other mistress - and she denied it. I went through the pages (7 pages of phone messages) and she finally admitted they were in an emotional affair. I told her I have pics of sexting.

I had her remove the finder print security on phone and used app to download rest of images/videos/texts.

There were hundreds of messages between them were she totally smears me.

Getting back to my wife meeting the other mom for drinks - that is sick. She knew she was the other mistress - but went anyway. My wife has some serious mental issues.

She even says she did nothing to harm my son during this entire summer affair (she said they had sex less than 5 times) - not sure what that means - 4 intercourse times and a blowjob?

I and having a hard time being in house with her - she shows some remorse - but only when pushed. It is a toxic environment - and I have to get out - but too many complicated things to take care of before divorce.

I am hurt/disgusted by her.

I'll provide more details to this story as this thread gets reviewed.

Cranbrook,

I'm sorry you're here and you have been heard. You said it best that your wife has serious issues. She clearly lacks empathy

I know for me that a second dday would be my cue to divorce. I would say that your second dday is huge.

Others will chime in soon.

My advice is to file for divorce

Top left corner is the healing library. Read it all and print what you need. Also in the I can relate section is a thread for double betrayal. That's what you have when best friend is the other man.

You've come to the right place for support. Read the posts here in JFO section and the responses. You will learn a lot.

Sorry this happened to you twice. It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy. But with time you will heal. Like 2-5 years.

Don't make any major decisions at this time. There will be time for that. Make sure you drink lots of water no alcohol and eat healthy. Sleep as best you can. If you need help sleeping talk to your doctor.

Keep posting. And start reading. We're here for you. We've been through it and know exactly how you feel.

Damn, Cranbrook. So sorry you're here. No one wants to be here, but it can be a great place for advice, because we've all lived it. Our situations are all uniquely ours, and yet, they are so similar so often.

Top left yellow box- "the Healing Library". There is a lot of good info there.

Take care of you. Be the best Cranbrook you can be right now, shock and all.

BIG QUESTION- Have you told the other betrayed spouse, the wife?

Exposure is the best antidote. Please care for yourself. Be open and honest. Gather all your evidence, see a lawyer so you know your rights and how to protect yourself. After exposure like this they can loose their mind. Dont engage crazy. If things escalate, record with your phone or VAR all conversations. Care for your interests first and foremost. She is a broken dishonest person and needs to be treated as such.

Edited to add: Please get tested for STD's. IF this is the second affair you know of there is a high likelihood of more.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 12:30 PM, November 16th (Monday)]

Cranbrook - I'm so sorry you are here. That story is just horrific. Yes, your wife has serious problems that she needs to address. Her ability to compartmentalize is impressively sick. The fact that this is a second affair and that she didn't learn her lessons the first time is terribly worrying.

There is so much to say but I'll just stick to a few points that stuck out at me:

- the first step in any course of action is to fully inform the OMW of what you know. This will possibly defog your wife. Your wife is currently deep in the fog. Her brain is currently swirling with oxytocin, endorphins, and other chemicals. She thinks she loves the OM. I'll let you read in the Healing Library about why she thinks this. (Cliff Notes: Her life with OM is a care-free, completely unrealistic fantasy land.) After you tell the OMW, there is a significantly chance the OM will drop your WW like a hot potato. Nothing blows away wayward fog like getting dumped on your ass by your "true love." As the fog clears you WW may look around and think "WTF was I thinking?!?!" I'll be honest, this doesn't always happen but it is a very common scenario.

- they had sex many, many times, not 5. On one hand, this doesn't matter. 10 times or 500 times, in terms of betrayal, what's the difference? The only reason it matters is in terms of your wife coming clean and being honest. She needs to give you a full timeline of the relationship. This is a key step to healing and an indicator that she is willing to do the enormous work required to rebuild trust and reconcile

- transparency is a key marker to (1) remorse and (2) the fact that they are not still in the affair. Any discussion of "privacy" or some bullshit like that should be considered a huge red flag and almost certainly a deal breaker (deal breaker means something that compels immediate divorce)

- I'll be honest and blunt and I hate to do that to someone who recently got their world blown up: Your wife is not remorseful. She is ashamed and probably regretful. At one month post D-day, a lack of true remorse is common but she should be showing a bit more by now. Do be aware of what true remorse looks like:

- she sees things from your point of view

- she understands your pain

- she wants abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do with the OM

- no blame-shifting

- no gas-lighting

- she is ready to work at repairing your relationship and rebuilding trust

I wish you peace and strength

If you want to stay married don't be afraid of Exposure.

EXPOURE is not done to be vindictive but to help you.

Exposure helps kill the affair

Exposure can gain you some support

Exposure may help with avoiding a false R.

at least tell :

Your parents

her parents

maybe a few close friends

The OM's wife knows that is good she will help you making sure the affairs stays dead.

you know that you are going to have to cut all contact with OM

Oh, Cranbrook, I'm so sorry. I also had infidelity earlier in my marriage. I worked very hard to stay in the marriage--only to be taken down by infidelity again. It is devastating. It really is.

Please know that this has nothing to do with you. I know it's hard to believe, especially when there is a pattern of betrayal. It is tremendously hurtful---and NOT ABOUT YOU. No matter what your wife says. (I don't always use the abbreviations, either, and I've been here for years.)

Right now, you don't have to make any decisions other than those that get you through the next minute, hour, and day. Really, take it in tiny increments, if you have to. Eat as well as you can (if you can't--I couldn't, without vomiting, for MONTHS--find a good-quality whey protein isolate supplement and take a great multivitamin), stay hydrated (but avoid alcohol in any quantity; it tends to make things worse), exercise, rest when you can. If sleep is an issue, as it is for many of us, ask your doctor if you can't get relief from OTC measures like diphenydramine (Benadryl) and melatonin (which works well for some, but can trigger some nutso dreams).

You're right. Your wife has problems. You can't fix them. You can't change a THING about what she thinks, feels, or does---which on one hand is awful, but on the other is tremendously freeing. It allows you to put your entire focus on YOUR OWN healing.

And as unfair as it is, you're wholly responsible for that. She can't do it for you any more than you can fix her. It sucks.

But focus on it. I don't know about you, but the trauma of infidelity created a terrible storm in my mind. Because it was not the first injury of the sort, I really had a hard time---all the puzzle pieces falling into place, the anger, the hurt, the flashbacks to the last time, etc were VERY overwhelming for me. I was very lucky to find an IC who was very brain-based. We didn't do a lot of talking about the past, or the infidelity, or things of that nature---we did some, but the primary focus was calming the neurological storm.

So, we focused on things like biofeedback, breathing, guided imagery, etc. Had these not been effective, she also uses EMDR, a technique VERY helpful for post-traumatic issues. The first things I mentioned can be done on your own--you can find lots of tutorials online, though if you don't have the equipment you can't get the immediate feedback of seeing your heart rate drop that biofeedback software allows. Doesn't matter. It's still happening

I'm not suggesting doing this on your own, without IC. I'm suggesting that my experience with IC--which is not limited to just the one therapist, thought thank GOD she was the one I went to at that point in my life--is that those who are very experienced with trauma and approach things from a physiological, brain-based standpoint can be much more immediately helpful than those who talk a lot. There's a time for that, too. But getting your brain in a good place is an excellent starting point.

One thing I wish I'd done far sooner, with my less-than-remorseful husband, was put the 180 into effect. This technique is described in the Healing Library in the FAQs for BSs. It's #11. It's a series of behaviors designed NOT to change the WS's behavior, but rather to provide you with some distance and detachment (and that brain-calming I already discussed) so that you can more accurately assess your situation. It sounds as though you believe that you are headed for divorce, so getting a head start on detachment is a good thing.

Do know that it is VERY hard to stick to the 180 when you are so acutely injured. It is for everyone. If you slip, no biggie. After a while, you'll learn that each time you engage, it hurts---and eventually, you'll stop engaging.

Gently, I have to bring this up, because it was a huge issue in my family: your 12-year-old knows something is going on. Mine knew before I did--not details, but first that there was something amiss, and then that there was an affair. Even if your child does not know WHAT is going on, s/he knows something is. There's not a right or wrong answer regarding what to tell children--as long as it is not a lie. Be on the lookout for evidence of distress in your child--in mine, it was initially physical (headaches, stomach aches, vomiting). Think about what you will tell him/her--it doesn't have to be detailed, but do be honest. Do not interfere with his/her relationship with your wife, but don't lie to cover for her, either. There are plenty of ways to be honest without being harmful.

(My kids? They're older now, and know a lot more about their father's pathology ---he's personality disordered and really not able to love the way most of us do-- and are very angry and very conflicted about him. My job now is to listen, and now I am FAR more honest about his limitations with them. It's important THEY not feel that any of this has ANYTHING to do with them. Of course, that's their inclination--kids, even grown ones, have a tendency to make everything their fault. It happens whether we like it or not--but it's important to combat it the best we can.)

I know this is overwhelming---the situation AND the wall of words. People here are patient, and I hope you will stick with us. You'll get lots of good support.

You will get through this. It is awful now, but will get incrementally better with time. Healing is sort of a one-step-forward, two-steps-back process----but you will heal. I promise.

I'm back.

Thanks for all the posts.

Here is more to the story.

The night I found out I called the Other mom - told her.

We had a football game the next morning (sons plays middle school ball). At this point - the only 3 people who were informed were: 1) me 2) my wife and 3) the other mom. I told my wife on the drive to game that other mom would be confronting her. She did - I wish she would have punched her in the face. Mr Homewrecker was not aware we knew - they sat 50 feet away from us - usually sit together. I caught him looking over 100 times during game.

The next night - other mom confronted Mr Homewrecker and he came clean - on adultery/intercourse.

It has been extremely awkward - see him every day at school sports (drop off and pickup). He steers clear of me - does not walk in mornings anymore (thank god) - and knows he is to stay clear of my son.

This all happened mid-October. There is an annual Halloween party at Mr Homewreckers house (costume) - 60 people attend. We had to tell our son we would not be attending - that there has been a "disagreement between families". He started to cry. We did not attend party - and made it through the weekend.

My son is starting to piece this together. He say me talking to other mom at basketball practice (Mr Homewrecker travels so was not there) - and when we got in vehicle that "is the propblem with Mr. _____ becasue I asaw yiou talking to Ms _______".

We are all in counseling - trying to head off the nightmare that will happen when this hits the school - and he finds out his mom was having an affair with his best friends dad.

So to get back to many of the others posts here are some details:

- other mom knows everything

- we have started mediation - I cannot stand to be in same room as wife

- on a condition of staying in house - I "locked down" her cell capabilities. No more password - and Mr Homewreckers #'s are blocked

- but to go from 200 texts per day to nothing and 1.5 hours of calls per day to nothing has been challenging for her. I can't build a wall tall/long enough for her to stay behind.

- I am not sure if there has been no contact - he could have bought a new cell - and got her a trac phone as well - to keep contact moving. She tells me no contact - I doubt it. She could also call him from her work #.

- i have told ehr if I hear of any contact this divorce will be very difficult.

- There plan all along was to be together - I cannot fathom having this dirt-bag as step father to my son.

- I will have a tough Morality Contract drawn up - but unfortunately they are not that enforceable - they will find a way to cheat.

This man also has all the images/videos. What will he do to her (blackmail) if her does not get what he wants (getting back together). She does not realize that he owns her for the rest of her life.

Still in the sewer with her.

I would very quietly go to a lawyer and find out what you need to do to at least protect yourself financially as much as you possibly can.

That should be your first step.

For what it's worth, she's never had remorse - including now. Regret? Sure.

Remorse? No.

I couldn't in good conscience try to talk you into reconciliation at this point. That ship has sailed.

Since you're stuck in the house with her while you get your ducks in a row, try to read up on the 180 in the Healing Library (above Dr. Phil's head). This will at least give you some guidelines to try to navigate the chaos you're currently dealing with.

Good luck to you.

Our plan (half baked) is to get through mediation - and have divorce signed off in new year (March/April).

We have to untangle quite a few things (mortgages/property/complicated taxes) before I can move out and purchase a new home.

I have a very flexible schedule - so have always taken son to school - and picked up. Til this year I was a coach to 3 sports at school (I'm semi-retired). I have looked at a couple of properties nearby - so that the pick-up and drop off can continue. I'm ok with that.

My fear is my son growing up in a household were there seem to be no moral guardrails - she lacks a moral compass - or it is severely bent.

Her parents and friends (she really only has "false friends" - provide no accountability to her. Only say to her "you've made a mistake - you'll get over it". No help at all. BTW - she has painted the narrative with them for years that I am abusive etc. FALSE!!!!!

It sounds like your anger is focused on the right areas. You sound like you have a clear picture of the situation.

Just remember that you didn't create any of this mess so don't try to "fix" any of your wife's fuck-ups. (Rumors at school, videos the om might have,etc). These are all her fuckups.

Please take care of yourself and your son (children?). Get counseling for yourself and child. Stay strong. This is not your fault.

You should try to get through the mediation process as fast as possible so you can finish the divorce. In the meanwhile you shouldn't waste your time and precious emotional energy worrying about whether she's in contact with OM. It's over - who cares?

How old is your son? I'm assuming he's not yet in high school.

Physically separating from her is important for you to begin to heal. You will have considerably less "triggers" when you don't have to see her face every day. At this time, distance is good. So you should ask your lawyer how to move out of the house without causing any legal entanglements. As part of a separation you should be able to get shared custody of your boy so find a place to stay within his school district. You will need to co-parent with your cheater wife so you need to keep communication open with her when it pertains to the boy. Other than that avoid any other contact with her. Be open and honest with him and he will learn to accept this new arrangement easier than you think. The key is to treat this whole nightmare with a calm maturity that reassures him that it is not his fault and that you have things under control. Beyond that, just be there for him.

Since she's telling people you're violent, you need to get a voice activated recorder, and carry it on you at all times. Turn it on whenever you're in the same room with her. Don't tell her about it. And, please, dont make the mistake of thinking she would never file a false report. Way too many betrayed husbands have been arrested by a vindictive, lying ww.

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:30 PM, November 16th (Monday)]

Some of my advice:

1. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husband's here who were hit with false DV charges.

2. Start documenting your and her care for the kids immediately. I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle. Do it in a way that she won't know you're doing it.

3. It's great that you're all in counselling!

4. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant.

5. Confide in your friends&family about this, both in person and in writing. You will get their support, plus it will help you in case of later false accusations of domestic violence, because you'll have proof of her cheating and thus her lack of credibility. Have you told any of them yet of her cheating?

6. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL.

7. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength for you.

8. Go to the "I can relate" subforum here and check out the "Betrayed menz" thread on the first page. Read and post there.

9. Google "Toxic parents pdf", it's another great book available online for free that might help you tremendously. It will also help you realise that as long as your son has at least one emotionally mature&stable&healthy parent (=YOU) AND access to a good children's therapist, he has great chances of growing up emotionally healthy, mature and a young man of integrity, regardless of what his mom will teach him with her actions&words.

10. Have you checked if there are any divorce support groups in your area?

Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!

Best wishes

Just wanted to say that My heart and prayers are with crab brook , u have gone through a lot .

Get rid of her quickly , both of them are very sick and disgusting people , wish u the best , u will survive

I found out yesterday that they have gone underground - and are now using Skype. Hard to track unless you have access to account - nothing shows up on phone records.

I don't care - after all the texts/videos/phone messages - I don't have the effort in me - she is a tramp and always will be.

Wish I could get a refund on this marriage.

My son (who is 12) had his 2nd couseling session today.

The topic of "problems with other family" came up.

He knows which family it is - and knows there is a real problem between me and Mr. dirtbag (my former best friend). He was starting to ask questions - which I told him "I can;t anwser that - you must ask your mom" - to which he said "she won't tell me anything". He is close to figuring this whole things out.

Last night at basketball game - I was sitting in stands with my wife - and in comes other Mom. She walked right in front of me and sat right beside my wife (felt a little unconfortable to me - but excruciating to my wife). Sat there the entire game. Little did I know that she had texted my wife just before game time - and said to enjoy last week of anonymity - that she is telling her kids this weekend of the divorce they are going through and the entire affair - and also the moms she knows at our school.

This will be hurtful to my son - he will soon know everything.

Very sorry to hear this Cranbrook. You may want to talk to that lawyer and get things rolling. Waiting after the holidays could potentially cause more damage by inaction. Inaction is often the worst and your WW is is not seeing any consequences for her actions so far.

Betrayed child here (now an adult). I caught my mother in her A at 16 and spent several years on the front line of her As not to mention had a front row seat to the destruction to my parent's M and ultimately to us as a family.

That said, you need to head off the damage to your son and be honest and straight forward with him. The truth is out there at multiple sources and you are going to want him to hear the news from you personally. You should not wait and let him jump to conclusions and feel alienated from both of you. Sit him down and have an honest talk with him.

Also, contact the school yourself first. Not to expose the A but talk to the guidance counselors about your son. Let then know that there is trouble at home. They can keep an eye on him from their end and watch for grades slipping and behavioral issues. More importantly they can also give you a good recommendation for an IC for him. IMHO the better adjusted kids that have had to deal with their parent's infidelity on this site have used a child psychologist to help with all the issues. Issues with friends who know, parents, behavioral issues, etc. They can also help you as a parent.

Next up, keep pushing consequences of the A on your WW. Not to punish her but to show her what she has done to your family. Your son is most likely going to hold great resentment towards your WW's AP. I certainly did. He will most likely never want AP in his life. Ask WW how she's planning on handling that in the long run? Start scheduling "business meetings" to discuss finances, paying of debt/credit cards, talk about visitation schedule, who is going to get which holidays, etc. Painful stuff for both of you no doubt but this is exactly the type of stuff that needs to be thought through sooner rather than later. The more you can get hammered out now while under the same roof the better for the D in the long run.

Start with your son. You both need to come together on this. Let her know that you will be contacting the school, getting him an IC, what his future is going to look like, etc.

yop

Cranbook,

So sorry that thing are going this way.

Maybe it is time to talk to OBS to confirm what she is goign to do, maybe it is just to sacre your STBXWW (son to be ex wayward wife).

Also would be a good idea to talk to your kids aboput what will happened. IMO this is a talk that your STBXWW and you need to do toguether, only if she is willign to.

BTW, What does your STBXWW is going to do about all this mess. I belive you need her to be funtionla mother to your kids.

R is not for everyone and is point less if the WS is not in it. You are douing the rigth thing.

Good luck