SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I've also been through a double betrayal where the wives and kids were also close friends. It is astounding to think of how self-centered the WS and AP were in all of this and the devastation they are unleashing.

I'll mostly echo what others have said.

1. Tell your son in age appropriate terms. It would be best if your wife admits to an inappropriate relationship with the OM that hurt you deeply and is the reason why the two families can't be together. That seems highly unlikely, so the responsibility will fall to you. Other than just the basics that he needs to know, the most important messages he needs to hear are (1) he is loved, he is loved, he is loved and (2) this isn't his fault in any way.

2. Get your son all the help you can. A betrayed child can carry a ton of damage into adulthood, so do everything you can to help him deal, cope and heal now and in the years to come.

3. With baiting you, recording you and trying to file for DV, your wife signaled that she wants to play hardball. Specifically, she is trying to angle her way into getting as much custody, child support and alimony as possible -- all for her own benefit. Don't accept that you are beaten. Tell your lawyer to take the gloves off and do everything possible for the sake of your son. You could use as much space away from your wife as possible and you can give ground if necessary to achieve that goal faster. However, don't let that goal compromise what your son's future will look like. You are the only person capable of keeping your son's best interests in mind right now. Do whatever you can to minimize the time he has to spend with a mom who is modeling how to be a self-centered, manipulative, controlling liar.

It is such a hard road to travel, so I'm glad you found us. Keep posting -- we are here for you.

Sounds trite I know, but it's more true than you can know now.

This too shall pass.

Stay strong. Be the man you want your son to be someday.

Bro hug!

Thanks for all of your responses.

I truly under-estimated my wife - and her resolve to hurt me more.

Starting last night - I will have zero words for her (still living together) - she cannot be trusted.

I spoke to my son alone last night - told him (in age appropriate language) why police were at house yesterday - and also what the issues are between families (mom's inappropriate relationship). He understood.

Hopefully hear back from mediator today - get the agreements signed and move on.

I have wasted so much energy keeping her and Mr Homewrecker apart - the 2 of them strategizing for months out-does my resources.

They deserve each other.

Brother, I'm a veteran of infidelity and subsequent false DV charges. My advice to you is to get yourself physically away from that woman before you find yourself in jail. If your staying because your attorney is telling you to do so I suggest you find another attorney. This woman is baiting you into jamming yourself up and you've already bitten. As there is an official police report in regard to DV what's to stop her from just lying that you assaulter her ? Don't think you have the law on your side because in this country you don't when it comes to DV allegations. If you think you have problems now just think how bad they will be if you have a charge hanging over your head. Trust me I've tried navigating a separation agreement while fighting a year long DV charge. Its just about impossible to do both and that's assuming your have the financial resources to do both. She is going to delay the agreement in the hopes she can get you to mess up. She knows damn well that if she tags you with a DV charge her settlement is going to be much, much better. Get the hell away from her ASAP. You can always negotiate through your attorneys and that's exactly what I suggest you do.

she is balking at the Morality Clauses.

What is exactly forbidden in your morality clause? I though about putting one in mine during my mediation but chose not to as it can be a double edged sword.

Yeah, BTDT on getting the phone, then having the police called on me.

You're seeing her for who she is. Have you talked to your lawyer? See if you can get her to move out, or you move out yourself (some jurisdictions you can easily do it, others it puts you in a world of hurt (she can claim abandonment)).

Consult your lawyer and go no contact.

If you start getting frustrated with her, just roll out the old standby "I'm sorry you feel that way," and then walk away until you're calm.

Hi Cranbrook

Sorry man you're here and for the second time. It must be awful but it seems you make the right decisions and proceed correctly. I know you'll be o.k.

Just wanted to add on this:

BTW - she has painted the narrative with them for years that I am abusive etc. FALSE!!!!!

Today we were having a disagreement over the Mediation Agreement (drafts were sent out a couple of weeks ago) - she is balking at the Morality Clauses. I lost my temper - little did I know she was recording our conversation on her phone.

When I found out she was recording it - I tried to grab it from her - we ended up wrestling for it - I gave up - she ran to my office and called 911 - on 3 different lines. Police came - had some questions. She wanted to charge me with Domestic Violence.

I had purchased a VAR (pen) - and placed it n her car a couple of weeks ago - she found it. Ran to police station and filed a report.

I am a beaten man. She commits Double Betrayel - and I come out of this the "beast". Just want to get the mediation papers signed and be away from her. 21 years of marriage (25 years in all) - and she skates through this like her previous affair.

God help her

First of all, this narrative is very common. The false allegation too! Unfortunately not only with cheaters but in general as well! Hey, you're the man so most probably you're abusive by definition. You mentioned your wife maybe has some mental issues. Was she somehow abusive in the past? Try to recall and document it immediately. Another common tactic or scenario is when the woman hurts herself on purpose and blames the husband; she is the one to instigate abuse and then immediately cries the man is violent. In that case no matter that she initiated it you will be the one who'll get arrested. Women have a complete free pass in those issues so now that you've experienced it first hand don't let anyone tell you a man can't be abused by his wife and do everything to protect yourself

Down the road be also careful with false allegation, parental alienation and that stuff. Buy immediately a PRO-CAM and a VAR AND WEAR THEM CONSTANTLY ON YOU. Google terms such as "false allegations", "parental alienation", "abusive wife" (signs/help/checklist/symptoms) and so on. This is an epidemic out there but no one talks about it because it concerns men. There is huge information on it on the web but not from the mainstream media. Find it with the help of the terms I gave you and others and it will help you a lot. You'll also find a lot of articles on how those measures literally protected and saved many men. Especially, as she falsely claimed you are abusive in the past and now went into a fit of abuse in the divorce proceedings. It happens a lot; you must record everything and never underestimate her. Do not only film and record, but document everything in written form and if necessary talk in the presence of a trusted friend as a witness. If she hurts you physically go to a doctor although it's embarrassing so you have also a medical documentation of her abuse and violence. I think you made the correct decision; just proceed with caution and protect yourself, that's all I can recommend.

[This message edited by ImGoneByTheDown at 4:38 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

Read what years of pain wrote over and over....Please..

Good thing your kiddo(s) is in counseling...

My lawyer says I can move out, just have to establish that I can be contacted at all times...Ie I can't just fall off the face of the earth and go dark, leaving things up in the air..

My problem is that I can't afford to for the moment...

Move out for your mental health or get her to move out...The legal system can take forever and leave everybody tied up in knots..

Just be able to prove that your physical address is known to her and the kiddos and that you have always been and are reachable in case of emergency...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:26 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

I forgot to add that in my state (Texas) that one has to be gone, unreachable and dark for more than a year before disappearance can be considered abandonment ...Especially true if one has been gone more than a year and has not been paying child support..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:22 PM, January 4th (Monday)]

RE: Abandonment

Every jurisdiction is different. NC is like what you experienced in TX, by MI if you move out of the house - that's abandonment. You loose the equity in the house (if you own it), and you can also loose custody of your kids. You know, since you abandoned them.