SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don't know that she's being manipulative, I just think that she's trying really, really hard. Which is great, but it is pressure. I have cats. When they are chased or I try to pick them up, they hide under the bed. If I sit quietly or lay in bed, then they jump up on me and want to be petted. You can't make a cat cuddle.

Simplistic example, but its the best I could come up with!

Walloped...God has truly given you a gift. The ability to express yourself with such power & clarity using the written word. Writing letters to your wife and sharing them with the guidance of your MC may be helpful. JMHO.

My prayers are with you and your wife daily. May God continue to shine his light on your path and give you strength and clarity for your family .

The story TheDarkestTime shared with you in August was awesome.

So I want to end with this. Something that helped me get through the "rollercoaster" of emotions as they say. It rang true with me. I hope it does for you too.

--------------------------------

ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY

CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS

GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT

GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.

HE SAID "MY SON, THE BATTLE IS

BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' INSIDE US ALL.

ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER,

ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,

REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,

SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,

INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,

SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

THE OTHER IS GOOD.

IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,

HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,

EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,

TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT

IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED

HIS GRANDFATHER:

"WHICH WOLF WINS?..."

THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED,

"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"

Keep feeding that good wolf...

Cajun -

Looks like you turned off PMs, so I'll just say thank you for your thoughts, words, prayers and wishes. And for reposting that story. So appropriate, and exactly what I gleaned from all the amazing kicks in the pants I got from everyone here. That my mindset is a choice. Doesn't mean it's not difficult, but it is a choice.

I'm so thankful that I posted my update here, because all of your responses woke me up to that. I intend to feed the good wolf.

Thanks so much.

Another way of looking forward?

Everyone on a Navy ship (the "boat") is required to master damage control. After all it's your home and it's existence is to address the need to go in harm's way when needed to protect the homeland.

Homeland is your family.

The boat is your marriage.

Your boat has taken a torpedo and damage is extreme - Some of your crew has suffered injury and not capable of assisting the damage control.

YOU, by the His Grace, escaped injury when the damage occurred.

You're the Senior Officer present now with others missing or injured.

It's now on your shoulders to do and guide the damage control.

It ain't fair for sure - but the other choice, doing nothing, is to allow the boat to founder from the damage.

That's a loss for the Homeland.

Look at Aubrie's signature - think you have the courage? - I most certainly think you do.

The only issue is for you to make up your mind to do everything you can - even though you don't know the outcome when you start working to contain the damage with which you must deal. "Don't give up the ship!"

I was thinking maybe you two should take time away from your usual surroundings - a mini vacation of sorts?

A couple of suggestions close to home - Go spend a long weekend at the "Omni Homestead" (nice warm springs) or maybe Ocracoke (NC). If you go to Ocracoke - you will have the beach, yourselves and maybe Howards (sports bar) for entertainment. You then have the opportunity to spend time one-on-one and try and begin breaking down the mind images that you will eventually find somewhere in your memory to file. File you must - the memories will be there no matter what you do for the rest of your life. The deal is to swamp them to the back of your mind by replacing and adding new GOOD memories so as to occupy your conscience with "the good stuff."

It can happen!

If you want something a bit farther from home, try Yellowknife, Northwest Territory, Canada. The Aurora Borealis is putting on a good show.

Or South Pacific, there are some smaller places that have only your company for entertainment - that and the Tropic Environment.

Hoping my ramblings help make difference

Walloped.....

I totally understand your you feel....I too was like that ....first a little background...my FWW had a 6-8 week affair....got caught... DDay (late sept) ...did a 10 day trip to the hospital on a suicide watch(oct) ...then a 3 day retreat called "discovery" (November) ....I was in a full court press 180....I was done - NOT faking it on my part....divorce was filed...... within 2 months of DDay ...she defogged..by Christmas R was well on its was - BUT my "give a shit" had stopped.....as much as I wanted to ...I could not get my head wrapped around what she had done .....and what I was seeing was definitely true remorse......hell, she cried all the time ...she was really beating her self up....way harder than I could have ever done....

Seeing remorse was good ...I wanted to see that ......it was not just an "im sorry" ......she was truly remorseful ... we did a date weekend once a month.....trips to Dallas, out of town ....weekends at out lake house (no kids - we had 4)....even attended a G2G of SI people in Dallas the following Sept.....

Intensive IC for her preaffair issues.....NC with OM ....she took total responsibility for her affair.....hell, she owned it !!!! There was NOTHING more she coulda done to "win me back" .....nothing....she did it all.....we dated...we did weekends at out lake house 30 miles from our home,with no kids (we had 4)....even attended a G2G of SI people in Dallas the following Sept..... the attys and CPA said the divorce would take 2 years - we owned a lot of stuff....ranch, cattle, horses, rent property....couple of business...it would take time to dissolve...... Again ...nothing more she could have done to fix this .....nothing...I just wasn't "there" ...

And she cries. Deep sobs while doing so. She'll even hug the albums. And cry. I leave her alone during this. I've told her it's not healthy, but who am I to judge?

I too was worried about her health......I needed to see remorse....I think looking back - it was very unhealthy for her .....very...it was too much.....she was very hard on her self....

To the point .....13 months after Dday.....and a pretty damn good R - (I still wasn't into it as she was) she had a dissected aorta and didn't make it.....45 years old ....healthy as a horse - we thought (had all the cardio stress tests done - routine 6 months earlier....she passed...I had high blood pressure) ...this was 6 years ago...im not looking for sympathy....just stressing that you need to watch her ....high stress levels can be fatal....keep an eye on her ...please....

Her affair was WAY harder on me than her death.....her dying wasn't planned, lied about, executed, covered up, repeated ......her affair was....she didn't die on me on purpose....her affair was...her affair was the hardest thing I had ever been through - from an emotional perspective.....

Again ......not looking for sympathy...just sharing a true story.....yeah.....true remorse is needed....don't let her over do it....

thanks....and good luck...I totally understand you feel......BTDT .....

Bufffalo

your post hits home with me. I'm in the same boat and this sucks! Some days are ok and others are horrible. If you can get back into working out do it, I finally made it to yoga on weds for the first time since Dday and did help. And I agree with NTV don't let her in on SI, copy and paste your posts. Hang in there.

You're doing the best you can.

It might be good for your wife to get a job.

You might try hugging your wife once a day. Start with 5 second hugs and add 5 seconds each day.

Hi walloped. Sorry I am late to your post. My life is changing. Very recently retired Internist (Medical Doctor specialty Internal Medicine.....had to move from my mountains as the new docs who replaced me were being bypassed by the most of the 1200 + patients I turned over....they were contacting me at home, skiing, and everywhere else......had to leave so they could replace me). Also did 2 years of a Psych Residency before switching to I.M. Practiced over 40 years in a rather remote Rocky Mountain location (love skiing). For 35 years, by necessity did IC and MC. Saw you posted on a recent thread by Mr. Spock. I even used a piece of your post I saw there as I marveled once again as I have for so many years at how 'little things' no one would expect to hurt so bad can do so in some people people. But I always look for that as it gives me a window into your thoughts / emotions. I might have helped Spock, I think? I hope? Different type of infidelity here and you are, to an extent, different but from what I saw you are also Alpha and like all of them you will have a very difficult road now trying to R. but because of Spock's nature he was BLOCKED......3 years post DD. You are blocked 5-6 months in. Let me catch up on your threads. I read some of it some weeks back but will need to look more closely now. Maybe I can suggest some paths for you. Wanted to get this in as by nature I am always LATE. Let me know you are still here before I get back......will take me a couple of days...also let me know any other threads by you....and how I get to them, just joined up a few weeks back and I get lost here. stretch

Walloped ... i read or saw somewhere that "the starting point to forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.' and lord knows I have had my ups and downs .. it is strange how i am on the opposite end .. i left but I have also been trapped in suspension. Grieving .. is what it sounds like you are doing. Grieving all hope of a better past. Letting that go .. will come as natural as the sun rises and sets ... it will come when you are ready. We must be kind to ourselves and I am learning that being kind to ourselves means being patient with ourselves as well.

As much as you trust in the sun rising, you too must trust that this stage of healing you are in now .. is temporary .. the resilience of your spirit will again ignite .. be kind and give yourself permission to just .. grieve. The heart is resilient but it still needs time to reset. You have a broken heart Walloped. Trust that it will mend.

(((hugs)))

Reddawn,

Thank you for the kind words. Truth is, I am in a much better place. Took a while to get my head out of my ass, but I'm been focusing on what's important, staying active and involved, and most importantly, my wife and I have been communicating. Or, better said, I've been communicating my needs, my pain, my...feelings...which I had not done before, choosing instead to keep them bottled in. It's been refreshing? Not the right word, but something along those lines.

Anyway, I don't know about forgivenesses. I don't see that from where I sit now, but who knows? But grieving and healing? Yes to both.

Thanks again.

Walloped, another post after mine......so I will assume you will get this soon.You are DOWN now, but it is still early so you need some more time.......BUT....let me lay out some things for your consideration if you stay blocked where you are at one year. Your W continues to "beat herself up" for two reasons, one, she knows the depth of her betrayal and two, NO ONE ELSE IS! You continue to have her back and wish she would lay off being so hard on herself. Consequences. Some self shame, exposure to family and older children and she sees your devastation. Not fun but consider the future.....this will pass, she will eventually be praised for fixing herself and those people will get over it (just hope a few years from now you don't hear get over it). You? do you know where you will be?Why did it happen? Endless explanations for inside her but an importaaant consideration for you is the man / wife relationship. Nearly all women will claim they want the sweet sensitive man....that is politically correct. They don't....they want the assertive / aggressive man. A dominant. This is universally understood. You are Alpha (self stated you take your own path....defines Alpha). But.......you raised 3 straight older girls with your wife before the two young sons. They mellowed you. Your wife never consciously held that against you but over time she began to substitute her wants (define as SELFISH) over yours and good guy husband acquiesced. Imperceptably she changed but not to you. Then, FOO issues, validation, selfishness, age 42....the most dangerous mid life crisis all converged on a player POS. Full blown affair. Your sex life was a weekend day and a weekday....married "loving sex", two acts a week. POS wore her down F****D her, she was panicked, came home scrubbed herself clean, worried you would see, relieved that you didn't, and instinctively knew you did not have t ever know....so wht not do it as much as possible? Kids, marriage you? Not a problem. By then, freshly showered, she STILL resolved to stop but eventually told you that POS, "Was very aggressive" the next time....Round 2 in the books. Their sex was not loving married sex, it was all ports in a storm Affair Sex with her new Alpha male....POS...you did not seem that to her anymore....by the end of the affair while her sister suspected she KNEW you W might be in an affair, you could not suspect such as you were not that type of male! POS no doubt told her (common affair dribble) that if she was his, no one would be able to take her....but your husband?....."He doesn't know he is alive". She says she defended you from disrespect from him, but eventually admitted to you that IF HE HAD ASKED SHE WOULD HAVE HAD SEX WITH HIM IN YOUR HOUSE (that means your bed.....this is savored by cheaters as heaping the most disrespect possible on you symbolically). That would have fueled more of her thinking of POS while making "sweet love" to you (that was your place for her). She finally admitted she had broken out of Compartmenting the double life by thinking of him while having sex with you. So the 1-2 times a week you two made 'sweet love' and the 6-7-8 times (Viagra fueled but still counts.....as she was prepared for as many times he could do it) she always thought of him.....especially with the All PORTS SEX. Finally your brother caught her......you verified her thinking you were not the kind of man that would ever catch her....only after you knew could you find evidence. For those first two weeks she felt she was really unlucky to get caught. She immediately lied to you she was "getting tired of him "and would have stopped very soon (and no doubt confessed....YEAH!!). Later after TT she told you, "If I am being 100% honest I very well might have left you in a couple more months" (think of that taking place for your children!). Good thing POS was phony.....actually it might have played better if it played out that way as the lesson then taught her would of itself been such an extraoridinary cosequence that she would have gotten just desserts. Do you still wonder why she thinks she still thinks she deserves punishment? Who else is exacting consequences on her but her? Please tell me? Do you still wonder why you feel the way you are feeling? She is HONEST......almost to a fault as you posted, "Part of you hope she lies her ass off". This is because of the astounding depth of the betrayal....don't whitewash it. A couple other things then a plan. She told you she loved POS, was in love with POS (that evolved in latter editions to...."thought I was", "infatuation".......if you went long enough it would have morphed into, "never even in to him at all"). You? she did love you but did NOT know if she was in love with you....she qualified, then answered it rhetorically...."I thought I was in love with you", "I feel like I am in love with you", "But look what I did to you....HOW COULD I BE IN LOVE WITH YOU?.....the answer is clear but not stated.....lawerly...I COULD NOT BE. Now clearly no one could argue this does not deserve D. Your wife told you that, she would divorce in your shoes. So what do I think you should do. I know you want her more than your own life. You, unlike nearly any other BH would still take a bullet for her. So you need a way to VERY possibly stay together.......like R might work out. But you need to man up with her or I swear to you no matter what you think if YOU DO NOT ESTABLISH RESPECT it can happen again. Women want, crave, and expect strength in their man. She can't help you by you "opening up" You are going to cry to her how much you hurt and she will say, "Oh you poor baby.....let me kiss your tears away.....come on.....CONSEQUENCES. You won't turn her on to anything but sweet married sex with tears. Here is what I propose instead of groveling and having tear fests. It will not turn her on to see you cry anymore....that is just a cold evolutionary fact in women. It will get you pity, and then possibly another affair out of her. It is in her....don't help bring it out of her with beta behavior. That is not your main personality......raising 3 girls made it necessary at tmies, but don't bury the part of you that stimiulates her sexually or the next time you will be doing the pick me dabce. Lord Byron.....take note, "I could not love thee half so much loved I NOT HONOR MORE". Live that or you won't live with her. Tell her you are going D. Tell her you want a 60 / 40 financial advantage on the split and some of her money in trust to help the kids....negotiate that, but do not let a possible next OM fleece her, her judgement in men after you is terrible and the next guy would likely be a 10 to 15 year younger OM given her age group (fair considering her doing). Tell her kids custody is 50 / 50. (should this not work out and you two physically split. Tell her you will co-parent living in your home together. Tell her her name is to change back to maiden name. Tell her you want your wedding ring and her two rings placed on a small dish on her dresser that is not to be moved by either of you. Tell her you two are roomates without sex for one year and move to the other room. Tell her you two are no longer monogamous BUT you WILL tell each other BEFORE ANY SEX (also notify each other about ongoing emotional affairs). Either of you are free to move out if you cannot handle such. My thoughts. These are severe and real consequences the first REAL ones she will be asked to endure and WILL RESTORE THE BALANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP while burying the dead marriage. If she starts dating again you SHOULD be done with her, if not just hand her your balls when she is going out dating.....she already did that but forgot to tell you when married to you, You should date frequently for that year....get laid a lot......your brother will help you I am certain. She had the POS ready to replace you.....SHE TOLD YOU THAT MIGHT HAVE HAPPENED IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS!!!! Tell her she is now your plan B....but tell her you still love her but owe it to yourself after all this to see IF THERE IS SOMETHING BETTER OUT THERE FOR YOU>>>>for Christ Sakes just put in the year and look, you desrve that for yourself. You will THEN tell her if you want to establish a monogomous relationship with her or even get married again after the year. In this manner you can tell any new woman you are divorced, living in the same house with separate bedrooms, and co parenting with your ExW. You owe this to yourself.....IT IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE DID TO YOU except she never bothered with the divorce nor even tell you about her date. Now go to the gym, hire a trainer, get in shape.....new women for you will be a new experience one you owe yourself and noone, your wife included could ever fairly dispute. The stress will kill you....your dad died very young of heart disease, the stress hormone cortisol will wreck havoc on your arteries going thru this sh*t storm your W served up. Get to a doctor to get your heart checked.....don't skip this or a worse trgedy could befall your family next. Don't live like this over the next year......I beg you not to put your self thru it......take your manhood back....if she doesn't like it....please don't give a flying fu*k. HOPE.... stretch

I think you should let her know about SI and maybe even encourage her to post. She seems very remorseful. My FWW knows about SI as well.

First of all, Walloped, I'm glad you're doing better, communication is certainly the key.

Now, t/j-

Stretch, I found the unsubstantiated generalisations in your post astounding.

For the record, this woman doesn't want an aggressive man or a dominant.

End t/j

Back to supporting Walloped...

SHE DID NOT WANT AGGRESSIVE??? Read her second sex encounter with POS......."He was SO aggressive I gave in, after that I could not stop". TELL me again how she did not want an Aggressive man?? Read something about women and dominant men before you tell me women, THIS woman DID NOT WANT AN AGGRESSIVE LOVER. Eventually POS actually......she admits this to Walloped.....had her thinking she would have / could have left Walloped in some time. Please understand what you say. stretch

No, you misunderstood what I wrote. When I referred to "this woman" I was referring to myself. I don't speak for what other women want, and neither should you. I found your blatant generalisations to be somewhat offensive.

END t/j

Look, I understand Mrs. Walopped is a sympathetic figure filled......now......with remorse......and is suffering. But go back half a year. Unbeknownst to Walopped she was taking a 5-6 month "break" from her marriage and family....5 kids and a husband and INTERVIEWING for sexual prowess a replacement for Walopped. She denied this replacement until finally saying, "Being a 100% honest with you (Walopped) in time I could / would have left you" First she said, after being caught, "I never would leave you or my family", " In fact I was growing tired of him and was about to end it"...meanwhile the frequency and quantity of sex was increasing as she began to refuse Walopped to avoid sloppy seconds for him, but still kissed him after sex (assume always oral in an affair is included) because, "How could I not kiss you".....actually said this to Walloped meaning Walopped might know something was wrong. AND SHE SAW NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT EXPLANATION. Well how about maybe not kissing him WOULD have been right considering traces of POS sperm had to remain in Mrs. Walloped's mouth for many hours, as no amount of brushing could eliminate it all......known fact Mrs's W excusers. Now unprotected sex with an out and out player for 3 months, including unprotected anal multiple times.....and home she goes to have sex a couple times a week wit Walloped. Well what if the guy had HIV?? and a slew of other STD's......some incurable. Is Mrs. W still such a tragic, sympathetic figure? Now I propose Walopped take a year to ETHICALLY...not married to her, not sleeping with her and in a different bedroom so any dates would be the least uncomfortable with his living arrangement (unlike his wife, married and cheating and moving Walopped over to her potential Plan B if POS had worked out) look around out there to see if maybe someone better is out there for him? Is that wrong? Most here think that is terrible for Mrs. W. not to be taken back and forgiven. What if Walopped caught aids....would you be as sympathetic to him? As that probably would have led to the permanent parting of the pair. Please get real........all this happened to him 6 months ago.....she IS NOT THE HERO HERE.......and seems to be, to her credit, the only one that knows that. There is redemption.....but this one will take a very long time. Marriage at all cost takes place because of the intense love, and it is usually a man.....women are not so blinded when it comes to the really egregious affairs like this one was in spades. Whatever Mrs. W. is she is NOT A HERO........understand that.everyone.....Rant over stretch

nme1.....please the literature of male and female attraction, generalizations are used as a sizable majority of women do respond to assertive, aggressive, and dominant males and mate with them more often,......an inescable fact of the evolution of the sexes in general and all primates with the SOLE EXCEPTION OF the Bonomo great ape. stretch

Rant continues briefly....how about instead of Mrs. Waloped not being able to SKIP kissing Walloped after having given POS a B.J. because Waloped would have KNOWN something was wrong.....her language......she instead DEPRIVED .....POS......of the B.J. ? Oh sorry AP's can't deprive each other of that cheating pleasure now can they? But now she is doing everything right so all is good, get Waloped opening up to WW so the healing can start and you must get her to let up on herself as she has punished herself enough already. How about when Waloped is walking around like a cast member of The Living Dead in 5 years. Yeah that must be because there were too many consequences exacted on WW. Rant now ended stretch

Stretch… Sorry if I am out of line. I usually don't get involved in these kind of post… However, Walloped has traveled this road with dignity, courage and strength.

I wonder why you are so focused on Mrs. W. You are not familiar with his story… His older children know. As everyone here he has been thru hell and is coping and in a better place.

I don't know your story and I just hope YOU find peace in YOUR life

For twenty years I lived with a dominant man.

I do not want a sweet sunshine man.

I would be interested in a guy who was tolerant and patient and secure with some self control...and we could each have opinions.

Walloped, I wanted to chime in about a topic that is not on here much.

Respect. Idk about you or others, but when I lose respect for people, I lose other feelings too. Desire, trust, those go out the window too.

Do you think it has anything to do with what you are facing?

tot...the other thing...with all of the difficult emotions you have and see her having, I just wonder if some space may help? A trip by yourself? Visit a buddy when you can find time. A bike ride? Kayak?

I too use video games as an outlet but then feels like cabin fever. Sometimes changing scenery helps give something new to think about. Or, a drive helps me tons as it takes all my senses to do.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:58 AM, February 7th (Sunday)]