SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Seconding Ginny's suggestion. She is right on, IMHO. A friend of mine and his wife did this recently and he talked about they fun that they had for a while. Also, bonds are formed and strengthened with shared challenges and new experiences.

Plus, structured, choreographed touching. Nice thing.

My timeline:

6 months of blinding pain

3 months of white hot anger

3 years of pretty much being numb

In YEAR 4 - the start of real recovery.

The numbness isn't really living. My guess is you are about to get pissed as hell - many do at the 6 month stage.

Hi Walloped. Thank you for your post. It brought me to tears. I deeply felt & related to almost every word you wrote. I understand. I get it. I'm right there with you.

Walloped - up here in the desolate, frozen north known as Canada, the winter blahs are an actual thing. I wonder if that's got a hold of you a little bit?

Ginny's ballroom dancing suggestion sounds great. You described your wife as very pretty. Get her all dressed up and play grab ass with a pretty woman on the dance floor... that's gotta put a smile on your face.

Veteran posters here know timelines for reconciling, where I haven't lived that. But just thinking about the dynamic in your relationship. Your wife sounds like she's scared of her own shadow around you (these days), and she's spending evenings crying over photo albums. From how you've described your relationship, you're the natural leader in your family. Particularly now your wife is pretty messed up.

What I'm getting at is, if anyone is going to lead the two of you out of this mess, I think it's going to have to be you. Unfair? Yep.

But I bet you'll feel better taking some action in this direction than spending evenings getting a drip feed of pain reading infidelity threads on SI.

Sisoon, once again, I think, nailed it.

There were two things I could offer my husband at five months out: the first was an honest expression of my pain and all of its facets. The second was the simple statement that I was still there.

Walloped, you are still there. That is huge. And, that is all you should be offering (to yourself AND to her) at this time. There's no need to put a label on it. Because the emotions that have yet to come will conflict with a strict definition of your circumstances, believe me.

I can feel the pressure you are putting on yourself. It's too much. It's like asking a five month old baby to walk on its own.

You are still there, that should be enough for now.

Hope for each of you.

Thanks for the reply. Best wishes!

Walloped - a few of my thoughts:

1. You have withdrawn from activities that would help you heal. Recovery is not a passive process. It's agonizing. Think of the last time you had a serious physical injury. I've hurt my back and had a lock-up where I couldn't walk while the nerve that controls my legs was pinched between two vertebrae in my lower back. That went on for 6 agonizing months while I was told to stay on my back. That was old school; now neurosurgeons who don't want to cut into a young back tell you to get up and start walking anyway. More recently I tore the meniscus in my knee - and again avoided surgery but the rehab is excruciating.

So don't resist the pain - lean into it and get to the gym and put some oxygen into your blood and into your brain. Without that support, your body is stewing in toxic emotion that can't breath itself out and heal. So more damage is being done. Stop the stewing and get to work rehabbing your brain/heart if you truly are choosing recovery.

And the other things you're resisting - you're afraid of the damage your own anger could do to her and you're right to be thinking that. Are you in IC for yourself? That's a great place to process the anger. Again - rehab is hard and painful. So is amputation. You're stuck with injuries you didn't choose. But one way or another this is going to hurt. Stop avoiding the pain! You're a man of action.

2. Thinking about sharing with your wife - some have fears that she'll get frightened off by the feedback you've been given, but she hasn't done that yet. And wouldn't you rather know if she's going to move to defensive justification earlier rather than later? The first minute she went defensive on you would tell you all you need to know. She just doesn't seem like the type to use the board to put on a show, compared to some of the waywards we've seen come here to posture their repentance while they continue to skewer their betrayed spouses. Ask yourself which she's likely to be based on her behavior so far - she's done everything you've asked her to do, thoroughly and completely without defensiveness. I think you could expect that to continue if she came here.

[This message edited by k8la at 6:58 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

Walloped

I would like to ask you a question , that might to some seem extremely harsh and if so I apologies .

You say you saw yourself "pre A " as a smart , witty , funny , general all around good guy . And I dont doult this was the case . but is it also probable that in your wifes eyes you also became safe , reliable , same old routine , Hubby . In short did you became a Bore .

I only ask because in your current state of mind , ie withdrawn and most importantly ,playing mind , body and soul destroying video games , if you wasnt one , you sure as hell will become one very shortly .

Theres only one person that can stop it from happening . So you have a choice continue down the pit of pity . Or decide to start getting your mind and body back to where you and your boys need it .

Get out , get active .

Like the old saying goes " Best place to find sympathy is in the bible , right between shit and syphilis "

Devonman,

No worries about the harsh questions. To answer yours, possibly. Not from lack of activity though. I have exercised regularly for for nearly 30 years. I run. Limited strength training as well. I'm still a 34-35 waist and 40 jacket.

We used to go dancing, hiking together, go out to eat, spend a day at a museum, etc. Truth is, I'm in a high-pressured job. I transitioned to a new role 2 years ago to get a project through to completion and it took up a tremendous amount of my time and energy. It was after a year or so that we were planning for my daughter's wedding, where I was not very involved and perhaps it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know. Am I a bore? I don't know that either. I was never a wild person. Am very clean cut. But I haven't really changed much from that side of things in over 20 years.

After DDay, I worked out like a demon. Went running a lot. Was Mr. Action, actually. It's only recently...past month or so, where I've hit this rut.

As an aside, I've always like video games - primarily RPG's. Basically playing a book. It's a destressor for me. But historically I've only done that maybe 2-3 hours a week if that much. Otherwise video games was a way to spend time with my boys (playing Madden, etc.). It's my vice, if you can call it that. Like Adam Ant says, don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do? That's my answer.

But to get to the heart of it, that's not the issue. In the state I'm in now, I'd just read more or be more involved in a hobby. Stamp collecting, basket weaving, what have you. Doesn't matter. Basically I'm withdrawing and yes, I probably am turning into a bore. But so what? Is it my responsibility to be Mr. Fun Guy for her now?

You are, of course, right that only I can get myself out of this funk and that it is not healthy. I'm aware of this. I just don't know how to do it. Winter blues? Depression? Who knows?

What I don't like about your question is the insinuation that I am somehow responsible for her affair if I was not Mr. Wild and Crazy. Let's play it out and assume I was a bore. Why does that matter? If she had a problem with that, she should have discussed it with me. There are things that she does that I don't like, but that does not give me license to go sleep with someone else.

So, no, I don't think I was, even though it shouldn't matter if I actually was one. I do know I wasn't attentive much during the past year and a half. But that does not excuse what she did.

Mr Walloped needs to learn to love himself again first before he can decide if he wants to love this now-stranger that he is living with. That does not happen overnight and it does not happen by forcing the issue. His issue is he is concentrating on a relationship that doesn't exist anymore and is holding onto it for dear life because of fear, confusion, pride, love, logic.

It may never happen or it may happen, only he will know. Once he is a whole man his next step is to accept fully that he may just need to start fresh. His ideal mate may be someone who he can reconcile with who she is. Some wounds cannot be healed and only he can determine if this is one of those. he will know when he is happy with himself, bore or not.

Walloped. That was so hard to read. It really was. I can see so much of myself and my situation in your post. I can relate to so many of the emotions, the roller coaster.

You do need to open up and communicate. If you are still indecisive about R, so be it. But communicate. It will bring you growth.

As for sharing SI with her? I vacillate on this one. My fWW knows about SI and even has a user name. She reads my posts. Sometimes that's good, often times it is not. It isn't that it is an invasion of privacy (I'll say anything to her that I write here), it is that sometimes my postings hurt her, and put her backwards on her healing.

What I would recommend is maybe copy/pasting some of this..you seem to write well and express yourself well..and sharing it with her. This site, though? It may be a setback for her, and you really don't want that. She sounds fragile now, too. For now, based on what you've posted, I don't think it would be in her best interests to share SI with her.

But damn, there is so much in your original post that I just read, and nod my head "yes" to.

good luck, Walloped.

Walloped,

Below are a set of questions. We don't need to know the answers but maybe they will help you. That is all I hope to do.

1. Was your wife ever the woman you thought she was? You sound idealistic, honourable, at your core someone who values integrity above all else, loyal, a family man. Who is she? Not the person who you cherished and built dreams around but who is she - really?

2.Are you the kind of person who would settle for a life in the shadows with someone who is perhaps 50% of what you believed she was?

3. Are you prepared to spend your life looking for the woman in your wife that you thought you had married and perhaps never finding her? Are you going to make excuses to try to fit your wife to your ideal?

4.Is it fair to the woman you are looking at every day over breakfast that she essentially failed to be the woman you thought she was? She really always was someone else!

5.In hinduisim they say all life is an illusion. We project our wants, needs, desires, on to others. We see in them ourselves. Maybe the wife you had on the pedestal never was.

6. I agree with everyone else in that what matters is happiness. Life is short. If compromising your ideals makes you a shell of who you are, you have an obligation to yourself too. Perhaps at the end of the day the compromise is too great. What you are being asked to settle for - goes against the core of who you are. These are decisions only you can make. I think you need to be able to look into the mirror and smile and like who you are.

7. Actions speak far louder than words. Your wife has shattered your illusions. Look at her now. She is brave, she is a caring mother, she loves her family. She is not a protector - but is more of a destroyer. She does not value you above all else. She does not value her family above her own needs and wants. She is not the sacrificing angel you had her pegged as. What she is - is someone who faces her demons, who acknowledges her faults but is it fair to you or to her to ask her to be someone she is not?

8. Where am I going with all this? - acceptance of her as she is now, who she has shown herself to be is central to your problem. You have to accept the woman you see (not the one you seem to be searching for in her) to forgive her. To accept that this woman - with her demons - is your wife - she will always have these demons - if you can accept that you can forgive her. Can you?

That is the crux of the matter as I see it.

[This message edited by optimisticalways at 10:44 AM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

Walloped , First let me apologise that your took my question as an insinuation to excuse for you wifes A , that was not my intention . Neither do I feel that there is EVER any justification for cheating in a relationship EVER .

What I was trying to get at was an understanding of what took your wife from a seemingly content and happy woman to someone that was ready to throw away her entire life for some POS that gave and offered so relatively little in return .

OK you say that the way you were pre A shouldnt make any difference to the choices your wife made , but clearly how you viewed your marriage and the way your wife viewed it " even if POS was messing with her head " were not the same .

Honestly, I think if you could find a way to open up to her and share your thoughts and feelings it could be a good way for you both to begin to heal. Rather you share your SI posts or write something specifically for her it could be a good start. If she was unremorseful then that would be different but it sounds like this is tearing you both apart. In your case I think hysterical bonding could have been a good thing for you both to help you two begin to reconnect and heal. Maybe it's not too late to give it a try if the desire is there.

How are you two communicating? Have you really been talking at all?

Also, I would consider hiding the photo albums. Take away that unhealthy crutch for both your sakes. At least, mention that as a suggestion with MC/IC and get their opinion on if that will help or hinder healing. Just a thought.

Good luck. I hope things start to feel better for you soon.

As for the sex thing have you tried baby steps? Snuggle while naked, this kind of stuff.

Are you afraid of being vulnerable?

How did your libido match before the A?

ETA: I think you should let your WW see your threads and even post here.

[This message edited by nuance at 7:08 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

but clearly how you viewed your marriage and the way your wife viewed it " even if POS was messing with her head " were not the same .

Devonman, I don't mean to be condescending, but have you ever heard of cognitive dissonance? Even if Walloped's wife wasn't just completely compartmentalizing and not allowing herself to think of her husband and marriage in any real way, a cheater's perspective of their marriage is hardly reliable or even necessarily based in concrete reality. The fact is that people who do really shitty things often find ways to justify them. If there is no "reasonable" justification, they often blow something small out of proportion or even fabricate grievances out of thin air to justify their actions.

I agree that what Walloped is doing right now probably isn't the most healthy thing in the world, but at only 5 months out, he's doing a hell of a lot better than I was. Clearly he sees a problem and is looking to find the way out, but to suggest that his wife's perceptions of the marriage while she was having an affair is worth considering for even a second is beyond laughable.

As for letting your wife read your posts here, Walloped, I would proceed with extreme caution. Maybe you could write your thoughts and feelings down (you're clearly very good at getting them out in text) and let her read them in different words and in a different format than here, but as much as it sounds like she wants to fix things with you, she's proven to not be the most trustworthy person in the world. Maybe don't let yourself be that vulnerable to her at this point in the process.

[This message edited by h0peless at 7:28 PM, January 5th (Tuesday)]

Thank you for your additional posts and advice and well wishes. They're much appreciated.

Just wanted to say that I am aware that the stage I'm in now and the things I'm either doing or not, as the case may be, is not healthy and potentially damaging. I was simply describing my feelings and its impact. The toll it has taken on me. I know it's not sustainable. However, getting out of it is easier said than done.

Regarding sex. Not interested. Not yet. Part of it is thank still have mind movies. I vacillate between wanting to be with her and being...well, I don't know. But not very loving. I also don't think it will go well and I'd rather not attempt it than try and have it result in some horrible fallout. Maybe that will change sooner or later, but I'm not there yet. I'm okay with that.

Yes. I need to communicate with her. We talk but I don't share or really open up. I know that's not a good thing. Hence my thought about sharing SI with her. I really appreciate your suggestions about writing, or reading my posts. That may work.

More than anything, I'm hearing that I'm still early in this process and my expectations might be unrealistic given what I went through and where we're at. That's helpful for me to keep in mind.

Divorce is not on the table. Hopefully not ever, but definitely not for a long while. I told her I'm not going anywhere. But that I need time. Time to get my head in order. Time to be more comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings. But that I'm going to work I myself so that I can do just that.

Now to actually go do it...

If you both shared the site, would you ever begin to question whether she was telling you what you wanted to hear instead of the truth? In other words, could sharing the site make you somehow discount it when she was doing things right?

I just want to make a quick comment about her shame spiraling. When you described how she pulls out the albums and sobs every night, my eyes glazed over.

Shame spiraling is deflective. When we're caught up in it, we don't always realize it. After all, see me!? I'm sitting here crying big giant crocodile tears and OMG I'm such a horrible person, I should go eat worms and diiiieeee.

Its very selfish. Every moment wallowing across the couch, reminding you yet again of how horrible she is and how she may not have what she loves for very much longer? It's moments where real work could be done, yet it avoided via shaaaaaame. It's a waste of everyone's time. Shame keeps us rooted and immobile. It's another way to steal precious healing time from a marriage that's already on life support. kwim?

We get newbie WS in here all the time that post threads about how horrible they are, how much they cry, how miserable they are and how desperate they want life to return to the way it used to be. (I was one of them.) Oh yeah sure it sounds remorseful, but it's just lip service. The missing element is action. And that takes time.

Fixing one's crap isn't about saying the right things. It's not about crying the right amount of tears. It's picking yourself up by the boot straps, rolling up your sleeves, and getting busy. Oh sure there's shame, tears, and humiliation. But it's not to be paraded out as a nightly ritual. Real change comes with legitimate action. Five months out isn't very long Walloped. She hasn't had time to show you long term change.

As far as sharing SI with her, I dunno man. I've seen that blow up in the BSs faces so many times. While you are struggling with communicating with her, you are doing a freaking amazing job with folks here. I would hate to see you lose that if she were to find/join SI. I would suggest keeping this to yourself.

I do however, like the idea of you writing your thoughts out and reading them to her.

In the grand scheme of things, you are still so very early on. Be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack.