SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

& MOST importantly, thank you all for your continued support. Logging in to find replies is like a shot in the arm that keeps me going.

Am I handling this well?

You're handling it better than I did, that's for sure.

The only important lesson I'd pass on to you is this - once you set your boundaries and penalties, do NOT back down on them.

If you tell her, "If A, then B," and she does A and you don't follow through on B, you're never going to get anywhere.

Just trust me on that.

From I've read so far, I would say you're handling this about well as can be expected, perhaps even a little better. You certainly seem to have far more clarity than I did in those first few weeks.

Don't kick yourself too hard for having missed all the clues and the red flags. Very few people in this world believe their spouse/SO will cheat. I certainly never would have believed that my fWW could have done what she did; but now I know better.

"How to Help Your Spouse Healing from Your Affair," by Linda MacDonald was quite a game changer for my wife. Like most WS, or so it would seem, she had no idea just how devastating discovery was for me. And she lied and blame-shifted for about two months. completely destroying all the trust and faith I had in her. At that point, I was literally a phone call away from filing for divorce. All I had to do was say: "file it." In retrospect, I wish I had filed it, just to get the message across as clear as day that I was on my way.

As for informing the OBS, do it when you're ready and comfortable. I have to admit a little revenge was on my mind when I sent the OBS a four-page letter explaining everything I knew and how I knew it. But mostly, I just hated the idea that my silence was a form of complicity. I won't be an accomplice to infidelity. When I finally got a email from the OBS, I showed my wife both the email and a copy of the letter I'd sent. She was pretty upset that I'd "sold her out" and was terrified that the OBS would cause all sorts of problems, maybe get her fired, etc. Nothing ever happened, of course; there were no crazy Hollywood scenes or scenarios to play out.

As for the lying, trickle-truth and blame-shifting... not uncommon at all, sadly enough. BTDT.

Keep your head up & trust your instincts and I think you'll be okay whatever you decide to do.

Move on, if she follows through you can change your mind.

Affairs happen because of unmet needs. Not all "unmet needs" should be met in a marriage and, in cheating, usually the unmet needs are impossible to meet in a happy marriage.

So what was her unmet needs not being met by you? That she needed variety in men? That she needed the "infatuation" stage of a relationship? That she needs constant validation of other men? None of those unmet needs can ever be met by you. And although she is now crying a river about losing you, did her unmet needs suddenly disappear?

"Unmet needs" is probably the wrong term. Probably should be "unmet wants."

Well she claimed it was "just having someone to talk to" and not about bills, or kids, or work stress etc etc. (real life stuff) which she could have talked to me about, but instead turned to someone else. Someone's referenced it as the "bubble"

I think it had a lot to do with her self esteem / body image issues. Like I told her she was beautiful every day, but I don't think it meant anything. She's always respond with "you have to say that bc you're married to me". Even as engaged; "you just say that bc we're engaged" & clear back to just dating; "you only say that bc we're dating". But if a stranger paid her a compliment she always get flattered.

I forwarded her this link; http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair--ljm2.doc

And she is reading it as we speak. That is the correct material right?

And it goes without saying but thank you all

Whichever way this goes & w/e happens, I think I'll stick around here, and maybe one day be able to give back, and offer someone else support in the future as all of you have done for me.

Well she claimed it was "just having someone to talk to"

It is a start, but she has much, much further to go if she is to figure out her "Why?" Why did she feel the need to talk with someone? Why did she choose a man? What was she really after by having that relationship? Even those questions are just scratching the surface.

The book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass could be helpful in getting her to see why this was a major boundary violation.

She's always respond with "you have to say that bc you're married to me".

Mine too. Funny how over the course of 20+ years she would never believe it from me, but ended up not having an issue believing several the other men she had EA/PAs with. Mine also didn't think she was good looking (she is tall, lean, athletic and attractive), so she definitely had self image issues. The real core problem was that her FOO (family of origin) issues planted the idea that she wasn't good enough and her father wasn't very involved in her life. As a result, she craved attention and approval from men. That was her "Why?" and was foundational to when she realized how messed up her perceptions and actions were. I'm hoping that your wife will do the hard work to dig deep to discover where her character gap originated.

That is the correct material right?

It is. I hope that it helps your wife begin to understand the damage she has caused.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 10:59 AM, January 17th (Sunday)]

We are about half way through it, she says it is very eye opening, and it makes sense to her.

She says she doesn't want to move out, but is willing to do whatever it takes to help me heal, & whatever is takes to keep me in her life, in whatever capacity I will allow.

She's on the phone now with 1 potential room for rent, & meeting a girl tomorrow about renting a spare room from her.

In the material, it brought up being on my side / not protecting the OM. We got into that, about me telling the OBS. She has changed her tune about that. She says she understands that, says she'll support w/e my decision is as far as telling her or not.

Glad you're putting the MacDonald book in front of her.

Like I told her she was beautiful every day, but I don't think it meant anything. She's always respond with "you have to say that bc you're married to me".

i could have written that! My fWW said the same thing. One way she was swept up by OM was that "he didn't HAVE to say those (over the top flowery) things" She was smitten b/c he didn't HAVE to say those things (but somehow I did). Crazy shit, the A mindset is.

[This message edited by CanoeVA at 2:02 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

My mind is made up that she needs to move out. Without a doubt.

She is saying/ doing the right things now. Should I pump the breaks on the D? Do a trial separation? I could see if she really follows through on her psychiatric help, becoming a better person etc? And if she doesn't, well divorce it is. If she does though... Should I leave that door open?

What is main difference between D & trial separation?

Want to be cautious that I'm not just being naive again...

I mean she did kind of surprise me by saying she will support & understand my decision to tell the OBS... I wasn't expecting that at all

Should I pump the breaks on the D? Do a trial separation? I could see if she really follows through on her psychiatric help, becoming a better person etc? And if she doesn't, well divorce it is. If she does though... Should I leave that door open?

That is up to you. Have you thought about what you really want?

There is nothing wrong with trying to reconcile, if that is what you both want. The main thing that we are trying to relay to you about not letting up on the consequences, is that it is often easy to let things go back to *normal*...and key issues tend to get rugswept.

Watch her actions. You don't have to file for divorce if 1) you hope to eventually reconcile, and 2) she is showing remorse via actions. If either of these two criteria are NOT going on right now, then getting yourself prepared for a D is not a bad idea. And as for the trial separation? Again, what is the end goal? Personally, you stated that she needs to move out, even if temporarily, to give you some space. That isn't necessarily a bad idea. But if the two of you want to reconcile, it won't be any easier if you are separated.

You've got time. If you are uncertain, then don't make any major decisions today. I only say this based on the information you have given that she is starting to come around. There is still a ton of work to do, but if progress is being made, and you are still very confused, then take your time.

In my opinion, you are doing very well so far. Just keep the questions coming our way.

In my opinion, she needs to exhibit these behaviors over time, not just now right after she was caught. I would file and get the process started. This sends the message that you aren't willing to put up with any bullshit. You can stop the process at any time before the papers are signed. Don't be hoovered back in before she has done the necessary work.

Upsidedown, these are things only you can determine. I'm not one to suggest a quick D filing like many here are. You haven't been naive. You're just in a crap situation. Again, I'm so glad you downloaded that book. Often, it is a game changer here (I know it was for my fWW).

Take things moment by moment. Take care of YOU. no rush on anything.

Keep posting, friend.

You seem to still go through a bunch of roller-coaster emotions. Very normal, especially after such a short time. I am coming up on 6weeks of finding out my WH was cheating. And as they tell here, there is always more to the story and it takes time for WS to figure out that they need to come totally clean. TT is pretty common and can happen over several days/weeks/months.

For me, I am showing my anger to WS when I figured out a lie. But I am not ready to just cut and run while emotions are running so high.

I am not in a hurry. Foremost, taking care of yourself and let your roller-coaster feelings settle is my advice. Good Luck!

She's always respond with "you have to say that bc you're married to me".

Walloped,s wife and many others said the eact same words.

Follow through with her moving out and telling the other betrayed spouse.

Then you can judge things.

At this stage she has zero credibility and it's actions not words that count.

Also just want to say your doing real well here in such a short space of time.

Good luck whatever way you choose.

I mean she did kind of surprise me by saying she will support & understand my decision to tell the OBS... I wasn't expecting that at all

Because she already warned her boyfriend that it will be coming.

If she ever wants back in she'll have to submit to a poly, and one of the poly questions will be about no contact. She'll have to know this.

She should leave. Continue moving forward to divorce, you can change your mind before it is finalized.

She is showing all the signs that she is ready to do the proper changes and commit. The potential is good, but it is only potential, she's got a long way to go. Let her actually do something before you give her some credit.

The stuff about "you had to say she was pretty" because of dating, engaged, married but a stranger actually means something is completely nonsensical way to look at it. For one thing, then wouldn't the other man "have to say she was pretty" because he was fucking her? Plus, weren't you, at some point, a stranger to her? If she is saying that type of nonsense, she is not safe to you yet.

My mind is made up that she needs to move out. Without a doubt.

She is saying/ doing the right things now. Should I pump the breaks on the D? Do a trial separation? I could see if she really follows through on her psychiatric help, becoming a better person etc? And if she doesn't, well divorce it is. If she does though... Should I leave that door open?

What is main difference between D & trial separation?

Want to be cautious that I'm not just being naive again...

Whether you R or D is completely up to you, because at the end of the day, you are the one who has live with the consequences of your decision.

If you feel you need a separation and some distance to clear your mind, then go for it. It honestly sounds like you are second guessing yourself on the D and that's completely normal. Your hard line stance did more to pull your WW out of the A fog of fantasy land than anything else. You showed her there are consequences for her actions by not engaging in the "pick me dance", and you are better off for it. You now find yourself in the best position. You are in control of the agenda, so if you want to take your time to consider your options, go for it. Good luck.

I am not a fan of trial separations. By filing for D you are saying the behavior is unacceptable. You are standing up for your M and yourself. It does not mean you are going to D.

I am also not a fan of giving her the book. It is like giving her your playbook. Part of seeing if your M can be saved is what she does.

She should be looking for anything she can do. Instead now she can follow a book that you gave her and she knows you read. Is it real or is she telling you what she knows you read and think is true.

Please tell OBS ASAP. OM will throw your WW under the bus. She will see the real him and by extension, the real her.