SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Someone also asked if I'd talked to anyone about it yet (other than my new family here at SI!) I told an old boss at work, she was very comforting, she encouraged me to call the attorney, I did, wound up telling him everything as well. She also talked me into phoning my parents, I did. They were devastated for me. They'll be flying home early from their vacation tomorrow.

At first I regretted telling my father EVERYTHING that had happened, and that maybe I should've just been vague & said we were splitting up. Bc of the brief feelings of R that I was having. She's made the R impossible by the way she's handled this all, and what she did. So I'm glad I told him. Not sure I want to disclose it to any friends yet. Is it better to take the "high road" with that? And just say "it didn't work out"? Or should I be telling everyone what she did?

I think as soon as we can finalize this all, I'm going to send a text out to her siblings, I was close with some of them, & I'll want them to know why things had to end.

Also,

As the "trickle truths" kept coming in bit by bit, & I'd understandably get more upset with each one (bc it kept making me realize how much she'd lied), she'd say; "see! That's why I can't tell you anything! You're unapproachable!" Too judge mental etc etc blah blah blah. Is that common? I mean I feel like that is kind of a load of crap, and just her trying to blame ME for her lies

You know what the other texts were? That was the OM telling her not to admit to sex and to try to talk you out of telling his wife!!!

I say expose now!! Nothing will change, if anything, she'll drag out this divorce for as long as she can if she even gets a hint that you might not expose her lover. All the while, the OM is building a case for himself that you are a crazy person!

I hope you recorded her confession?

Hi, thanks for the replies. I'm proud of your for how you've been handling this!

Again, please have a VAR on you or a friend around at all times in case she tries to get revenge on you (or tries to "blackmail" you into giving her another chance -> sounds crazy, but WSs do crazy things) with false DV charges, you wouldn't be the first betrayed guy to get hit with that, even though you two don't have kids. Don't underestimate desperate and unremorseful people!

I think you don't need to make a decision on telling friends&her family just now. You can always tell them later. What is important is that you told enough people in your real life that they will be able to be your support network!

Keep talking to us, we're here for you!

Don't lie to your friends about why. Don't give details. Just the basic facts. She cheated and she wouldn't end the affair.

By the way, the affair still is going on, it never ended. She had no intention of ending it. I could have told you that from the moment of your first post, but you were not ready to here it. Maybe you still won't believe it, that I could see she is still cheating when I've only read a few posts from you. But your wife is like the poster child of a cheater. Very typical.

Number one sign of cheating is hiding/guarding the phone. Number two sign of cheating is behavior. Cheaters can fix the phone and change their methods but they can't change their behaviors and attitudes easy. Her behavior is practically screaming that she is still cheating.

So when the friends want to ask more details than that (she cheated and won't end it), you can give as much detail as you want, but I strongly recommend that you do not. Just stick with she cheated and she wouldn't stop. Also definitely let them know the guy's name, that he is from her job, and that he is married. But don't do the whole thing about I found this, then she said that, then I found out more, then she said ... blah, blah, blah. Keep it simple, she cheated and wouldn't stop. Period. Tell them you don't want to rehash all the salacious details. They should respect that.

In one post you mentioned that you checked the records and saw there were no more messages since X time. All that means is she is now using a cheater app on her phone that leaves no record. Even an app like Words with Friends have a chat feature and will leave no trace.

This is your life and I can see that you are going to waffle. Betrayed husbands are predictable too. All of this stuff, the cheating and the aftermath, is just a fairly common human behavior, and like any common human behavior, it is predictable.

Talk is cheap. Meaningless. Only actions matter. On her end, and on your end, but especially on her end. She has lied to you every step of the way. So just watch her actions.

If you waffle back to wanting to stay married, ask her to sacrifice to stay in the marriage. Ask her to leave her main job. If financially that is not viable, ask her immediately to go to an employment agency, you can go with her, and she can start looking for another job. Then see what happens. ACTIONS. Companies are hiring, labor market is good enough in almost all areas that she should at least be getting a lot of interviews. But that job has to go, it is tainted with the affair, and anything tainted with the affair has to go. What would she expect?

Also, if you do waffle back and want to give it a shot, immediately take a day off and go down to her job and meet the other man. Walk right up and shake his hand and introduce yourself and size him up. Don't mention the affair. Ask how he is, ask about how is his wife and his kids, use his wife's and kids' names when you ask. Introduce yourself to her boss, the owner, whoever is in charge. Be nice and calm and don't talk about the affair. Keep your head up high. Check the place out. Until she leaves the job, go and visit as often as you can, take your wife to lunch. This is only if she is showing ACTION to reconcile. Chances are that many of her co-workers know about the affair, or at least strongly suspect it. Co-workers have their affairs at lunch hours, before and after work, so the other people working there can see other man and your wife spend a lot of time in the car parking somewhere during lunch. They can see the interaction, the body language, the smiles, touching each other's arms or shoulders when they talk.

You've been a little naive so far. That is understandable because you thought she was trustworthy. Stop trusting at all from her now UNTIL she earns back the trust. She has to do this, you can't help her. You can give her some of those books, that might guide her, but she has to actually DO IT.

If you doubt that she is still in the affair, put a voice-activated recorder in her car. You will find out the sad truth within a day or two, a week tops.

Think about it. You caught her, and she still has lied. She knew very well that cheating could cause her to lose her marriage, and she was willing to risk it. Then when you found out, she knew that lying could risk it even further, and she still risked it. She is risking it all for her other man.

The reason she doesn't want you to tell other man's wife is because then she is afraid other man will end the affair. She does not want to end the affair. She wants the other man, but she's not sure yet that other man will choose her over his wife. Your wife still needs time to "win" him. I'm not 100% on that motivation, but that is my best guess. And in the meantime, she doesn't want the whole reputation problem with family, friends, lifestyle changes, etc., until she's more entrenched with other man. What she would like is to "win" him, for him to leave his wife, then she would leave you, and then she and he would be together and tell everyone that they both just met AFTER they already had left their very, very, very, very unhappy marriages. And in their minds everyone would be so very, very happy that they finally in a true loving relationship. I may be projecting a bit here, but this is one possibility.

The affair is a fantasy, not based on reality like a marriage. Some here call it an "affair bubble." Inside the "bubble," there is no unpleasant chores, no cleaning the bathroom, fixing repairs in the house, worried about finances, dealing with health issues from your parents and siblings. In the "bubble," there is only "I love yous" and sex. Doesn't that sound nice? But it's not real. That "bubble" may be something we all are in when we first start a relationship. But before we commit, we go through some reality. Chores, responsibilities, finances, tough stuff. If we make it through that, then we are considering marriage. But she is committing to other man without any of that reality stuff. Still, though, it's a very nice place to escape from. If you don't mind stabbing your spouse in the back, that is.

Take care of yourself and respect yourself. This is a long process and a roller coaster, that is normal. All of your reaction so far is normal, if not a little naive and trusting to her words.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 5:23 AM, January 16th (Saturday)]

You're absolutely right about how naive I was. I feel like I see it all now though.

I mean Jesus... The Brazilian wax she insisted she needed before I left town back in October... That was a giant red flag at the time, & when I said something to her about it back then, she she made me feel bad for even thinking that, saying "I don't appreciate the accusations". Gave me some lame excuse about wanting to time out her waxes for the family cruise we are set to take in a few weeks (she obviously is no longer coming, but I think I will go). The fact that she was setting her phone to DND every night we went to bed so that it wouldn't go off if someone reached out late at night (claimed it was to silence junk email notifications), and how she'd be SO stressed in the AM's getting ready for work trying to always look her absolute best. I was blinded by (what I thought was) love. I know why she's been such a stressed out wreck these pat few months, and feel foolish for trying to ease her stress during that whole time.

The talk of placing a recording device in her car is a good one, if I were still unsure. The fact that I caught her having an affair, was even willing to stick around and try to work it out with her (when I naively thought it could just be sexting / I think deep down I knew and just wanted to push back, it's been a LONG 9 days), and then all her lies... Caught her in an affair, she lied, wouldn't end it, it's over, plain and simple. I've no interest in spying on her anymore, there's no point, not going down there to meet him, and sure as hell not shaking that POS's hand.

Someone else said yeah they've prob just using a new way to communicate, I'm sure that's true. I saw 'Game Center' app open on her phone the other day, & thought it was weird bc she only plays 1 game & it's not compatible with Game Center. I did just check it though, (not that it matters anymore), but didn't see any new friends in there, I'm sure they are just covering tracks better. Sad that things have to end, especially like this. The person I knew & loved, & married is gone. I don't know who this woman is & can't wait for her to get the hell out of my house.

And yeah, "the bubble", when I first caught the sexting and was just asking why the hell would you do this to me, she tried to explain how harmless it was, and that she just needed to talk to someone but not about real life, no bills, etc etc. very insightful advice. Thank you all again.

The VAR advice is solid. It has saved a lot of guys who have run through these pages...

I feel like that is kind of a load of crap

And rightfully so! It is a load of crap. Infidelity is load of crap! I'd tell you about the lies and blame-shifting my wife did, that I told her point blank what a crock of shit it all was, the fights we had, the rage I felt.

She began to see that load of crap for what it is and that's one of the biggest reasons I'm giving R a chance. Had it continued much longer I'd be divorced already. Some guys will continue to take it, hoping against hope that something will eventually click. Sadly, it doesn't always pan out that way.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, man. I really am. Your WW may never be able to face her own demons and that shouldn't have to by your problem, especially if she'd rather demonize you than examine her own shit.

Keeping trusting your instincts. They will serve you well.

Is she even trying to save the marriage? From what you've told us, it sounds like she's more worried about saving the other man from problems. Does she realize that you are seriously on the verge of dumping her over this?

As for the comment about not being able to tell you anything more because you get upset, that's the reason she should have told you the entire truth at the beginning, then neither of you would have to deal with these new revelations. She's obviously still deep in the affair and has some idea she'll come out of this smelling like a rose. You and I both know what this really smells like.

Upsidedown, please don't be hard on yourself for trusting her. I think 99% of us betrayeds on this site were blind to red flags before we found out/were told about the cheating. In most cases, we simply trusted that the person closest to us wouldn't never betray us like that. I hope in time you will realise this and not be hard on yourself.

Having said that, I'm glad you're connecting the dots of her past behaviour, because I think it will both strengthen your decision to not give her another chance, help your healing (in the long-term) and be a source of wisdom for future relationships.

What's your plan in the next few days/weeks?

I think it was mentioned again, but talk to your doctor about scheduling STD tests.

Proud of you! Bro-hugs!

Hobbes, thanks for telling me you're proud of how I've handled this. Crazy as it is bc you're a stranger, that really carries a lot of weight & makes me feel (at least somewhat) better. Obviously I've never been through anything like this before, so all support is GREATLY appreciated.

Here's where we stand, I've told her there is no other option than divorce. Due to what she did, but especially bc all the lies, I honestly don't think I'd ever be able to trust her again. She knows it now. She has been bawling, but has accepted it. She keeps saying she f'd up, and keeps telling me how sorry she is (not it an attempt to call off the divorce, she knows that my mind is made up on that). She keeps crying, and apologizing profusely, breaking down & saying she's so sorry she messed everything up, & that we had the perfect lives & that she took it all for granted. She keeps saying what a terrible person she's been & that i was the best thing to ever happen to her. she's also quit playing the blame game (saying bc I was too unapproachable etc) & accepts that this was entirely her fault.

I've told her she has to leave here & she's accepted that too.

She's looking for apartments now.

She wants to go see a Psychiatrist, to help her figure out why she did this, as well as to help address some other issues (previous eating disorder & body image issues, on top of a very rough childhood / bad family situation) so she's looked into a few of those in the area.

Since the guy was at her main job, she also says she really wants out of there, & she's applying for new jobs as well (watching her do it, as she asked me to help). I've made it clear that these things aren't going to stop the divorce, & she insists she needs to do these things not just for me but for herself as well. Says she threw away her life and needs to work on being a better person.

She keeps saying she'll do w/e it takes to keep me in her life in w/e capacity she can

if you're going to tell the other BTS get a var of her talking about the affair as proof so you don't get painted as a nut.

Good luck.

Be wary this sudden "seeing of the light" is not designed solely for your benefit. Do what you feel is in your best interests and don't let her manipulate you. The current conflict between your head and your heart is very normal at this stage. Your heart tells you you still love this woman (which is normal), but your head looks at the facts in the cold light of day, everything from the A itself to the continued lies and concern for OM's well being, and tells you there is no credible future for a healthy relationship. Whether you listen to your head or your heart is completely up to you. Whatever you do though, make sure you protect yourself.

Has your WW changed her tone about telling OM's spouse since her radical shift in behavior, or is she still feverishly working to protect him? That above all should be your main indicator as to whether this change in behavior is real or just a manipulative attempt to get you to reconsider. That would show that she is beginning to understand that this is about you and your healing. Until she gets that and embraces it, she is still stuck in A on some level, because people's instincts generally speaking are to protect the ones they love. Good luck, and stay strong.

She says she'll do anything?

Want to test that?

Have her call her boyfriend's wife right now on speaker phone.

She will not, because she's still lying to you

It would have been to hear that from her when you still gave a shit.

It's a shame because that is how they act when they finally are ready to end it. Unfortunately, it's too late.

It's normal, in the sense it happens all the time, but it's strange, in the sense that it boggles my mind. Look how many threads when the cheater is only sorry when it's too late. Yesterday she could have done this and saved the marriage. Today, a day later, she only is ready to give what you need when you no longer care. And, if you had been still playing the "find the truth" game, she still wouldn't be giving it.

For what it's worth, she's probably ready to end the affair and re-commit to the marriage now.

I'm sorry it turns out this way. It seems like the marriage is fated to be a lose-lose situation no matter how you would deal with this. If you try to be understanding and ask her for the truth, she will never give you the truth and she keeps the affair going; but when you are finally and truly done and she knows it, then she gives you what you need, but too late.

Usually the affair itself is not what ends the marriage, it's the lying afterwards.

The "win" for you is your dignity and self-respect is intact and you are no longer after in the limbo of infidelity.

I dont think you need to rush to a decision so soon. I think you did the right thing asking her to leave because she may have taken for granted that you would always forgive her.

She needs to see what she will/has lost by her selfish actions.

When I caught my WS cheating he told me he was confused and didn't know what he wanted and continued to see her. I told him i would end his confusion we were done. it took one day of NC before he came crying back to me telling me he couldn't live without me.

Sucks but sometimes they need tough love to figure it out

She wants to go see a Psychiatrist, to help her figure out why she did this, as well as to help address some other issues (previous eating disorder & body image issues, on top of a very rough childhood / bad family situation) so she's looked into a few of those in the area.

Since the guy was at her main job, she also says she really wants out of there, & she's applying for new jobs as well (watching her do it, as she asked me to help). I've made it clear that these things aren't going to stop the divorce, & she insists she needs to do these things not just for me but for herself as well. Says she threw away her life and needs to work on being a better person.

If she follows through with these things on her own, then good for her. She needs to be doing this whether you stayed together or not. But as you already know---talk is cheap. It is often stated around here to "turn on the TV and turn off the volume"...and watch for the actions.

Who knows what your position will be in the next days, weeks, and months. Your emotions are going to be all over the place, and that is okay---because it is normal for where you at right now. It is just very important to keep on the gas pedal right now, because she has left you no other option. Once things start to stabilize, THEN you may have a much clearer view of where you want to go.

In the meantime, keep posting.

double post.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 3:28 AM, January 17th (Sunday)]

Yeah I'm glad she's doing these things now, (wish she had done them earlier). We'll see if she follows through on the psychiatrist or not. (I believe that she will) Although I'm not sure how much contact I'm going to have with her once she moves out. She says she wants to keep in contact as much as I can handle. Wants me to bring our dogs over so she can see them too.

As far as telling the OBS, I'll be honest my motivations aren't entirely pure there. I mean I know it's the right thing to do, but part of me also wants to do it bc what they did wrecked my life & marriage, & I resent the fact that he gets to go home every night and continue to live in the illusion of his happy marriage.

The last time it was brought up (before all this 'see the light'), she said she was scared this woman will try to find her, scared of what it would do to the kids etc. which was/is crap.

I think I will tell the OBS as soon as she moves out of here (others have said asap, but I need to do it when it is best for ME now, have to take care of ME).

And as you all have said, her reaction will show who's side she is on. Even if she understood & is on 'my side', I don't know that it'd be enough to save us, but might tell me if I can/should allow any contact with her in the future.

Maybe I'll pick up that $10 book one of you has kindly referenced, on helping a spouse heal from this, maybe buy myself one too. Once moved out, if she follows through on Psychiatrist, has interest in reading that book, and pending her reaction to me telling the OBS, maybe I'll re-evaluate then.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Am I handling this well?