SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry about the length of this… Writing this has so far been one of the best forms of therapy.

I suppose I have never really trusted my WS during the entire time we have been together. We have been together 11 years, and married 6, and I have felt inadequate since the beginning. The first major public thing we did together was taking WS to a friend’s wedding, where I was in the wedding. At a hangout with the guys the night before, the groom commented on how attractive my date was, and another guy that I barely know piped up, saying “Yeah, it’s great when you can date out of your league.”

Not because of that (though it didn’t help), I have always been suspicious that she was always looking for someone better (better looking, better in the bedroom, better job, etc). I held suspicions a lot of times over the years, but held my tongue on numerous occasions because I never had proof that she was doing anything, and she was constantly telling me that she loved me.

The news dropped last Monday, January 4, 2016. I came home from work and sat down for dinner with the family. Days earlier, WS mentioned that a year’s worth of photos from phone had been lost accidentally, and eager to help, I downloaded a program off the internet that could recover deleted photos, and ran it. 45 minutes later, the photo recovery was done. I opened the folder, and saw pictures from the past year of our two kids, 11yo boy & 2yo girl. As I scrolled down a bit farther, I saw a picture of a co-worker whom I didn’t like because, for the last year, OP had been getting closer to my WS than a co-worker should be. When I opened the picture, with WS sitting next to me, WS immediately grabbed the laptop, slammed it shut, and ran into the next room. I followed WS immediately knowing why WS had done this, but I interrogated her anyway. I asked WS if there were dirty pictures of OP on the computer; WS said yes. I asked WS if there had been sex with OP; WS said yes. My heart immediately began to sink, and I began to feel the way you feel when you are about to give an important speech in front of a room full of people. I continued to ask WS questions, with the laptop held close to WS’s chest. Then I asked WS why she had done all of this; WS told me that she was “in love” with OP.

Some back story…

They both work at a public school. OP came to the school at the beginning of the 2014 school year. They both work in the same department, and the nature of their jobs required a great deal of collaboration for students. Because of their contact, they developed a friendship within school that I was unaware of. The first inkling of a problem was when OP invited my family to his house sometime during the winter of 2015. We just ate some food and talked, but I did notice that they seemed to be talking with each other quite a bit more than they were talking to the rest of the group, which included what I have come to describe as “creepy looks.”

Over the months there were more situations in which they would hang out outside of school, but always with the rest of the families coming along, never by themselves. They had also begun to commute to work together, as our houses are only about 3 miles apart. For the commute, whoever drove would pick the other up, but my kids were also present because they were dropped off at my mom’s house on the way to their job. After they dropped the kids off, who knows?

There were other trips that they took and other times that they hung out together, with family invited as well, during the spring, and especially during the summer. I have a year-round job, so if I had wanted to go on some of these trips, I wouldn’t have been able to. There was the beach, there was a time when WS went to OP’s house so they could wash their cars. I had to work the day they went to the beach (with my kids and OP’s kids in tow), but I just didn’t want to wash my car.

Sometime during the spring or summer, the romantic relationship began to bud. During the summer, even though they were not seeing each other during the day like when they were at school, during the summer they were still sending frequent texts and emails to each other. Aside from the positive and reassuring emails and texts they were sending to each other, at some point they began sending dirty pictures to each other. WS was the person who had begun this, and sent the most pictures to OP, with OP sending very few to WS. During the summer, OP’s family went on a few days of vacation. OP asked WS to look after their house and their dogs. One day, while I was home with the kids, WS went to OP’s house, and proceeded to take nude pictures of in OP’s bathroom and bedroom, at one point putting on a shirt that belonged to OP and taking pictures in the bedroom mirror. OP also did a lot of other things for WS, either to actually help out or just inane activities because OP wanted to spend time with WS.

After the beginning of the school year, the sexual relationship began. Since they commuted together, there was a perfect excuse for them to stay together after school, in each case, it was to “get caught up on paperwork.” They would each lie to their families as to the true intention of staying late at work, and while I was at home with my son, and my daughter was with my mother, they proceeded to have sex on many occasions in WS's classroom. The way WS describes the relationship with OP and the emotions present, I would say that they were not just screwing, they were making love. When I say they threw caution to the wind, their sexual relationship is the perfect example. They would do this in a classroom, when it was possible there were other teachers still in the building. They would lock the door, but there were janitors and other administrators who had master keys and at any time could have entered. Then there was just the way they interacted with each other during the school day. From what WS says, they were very close, even when there were other teachers around. I would be very surprised if there weren’t a few people they worked with who already suspected that there was something going on. And then there were my suspicions, as I have always not trusted OP with his intentions toward WS. When I brought up these concerns about OP to WS, WS would dismiss them as ridiculous speculation, or flat out lie to me that there was nothing happening. It turns out I was completely right about the affair, with the exception of the details.

Back to the night I found out…

WS eventually took the laptop and got into the car, and drove off, with no indication of where WS was going. I spent the next few hours in a mix of emotions, mostly bewilderment, as I never really thought WS would do something like this, even though I always suspected WS was capable of it. I took the kids to my mom’s house, told her what had happened, and asked if I could depend on her over the next few days/weeks/months of uncertainty. She has said and continues to say that whatever decision I make, she will stand behind me. I found out later that night that WS spent the four hours after leaving sitting next to a railroad track in town, sitting in 10 degree weather, crying and contemplating suicide. I will admit (though I am ashamed to) in those first few hours after finding out myself, that I kind-of wish WS had jumped in front of a train. I now regret those thoughts, though at the time, I was not in a good place and I wasn’t thinking straight. I talked to WS on the phone for a few hours that night, and found out WS was in the car next to a train track, and got WS to come back to the house and spend the night here, even though I did not want to see WS.

I never really knew the extent of their relationship before I found out about the affair. I was always uncomfortable with how close they were, if they were only co-workers, and how well they got along. Writing this a few days later, with more time to talk to WS, I have found out that the extent of their relationship was one of brand-new lovers in the first few months of a relationship, when both people are working really hard to impress the other and feelings are crazy. I have found out that WS loves OP more than me, and that their good friendship goes back at least a year, with the emotional affair at least 6 months or more. WS emotionally abandoned me for him, and was miserable being with me, even though WS buried those feelings down deep and “played the part” when we were together. WS was truly happiest when with OP. Even before WS started spending time with OP and before the feelings came out, WS was miserable in our relationship. In the year before the relationship with OP, WS began writing thoughts in a journal, in which WS would only write when feeling down, trapped, or miserable with me. There were entries where WS talked about just leaving our family, with no warning. There were entries where WS spoke about me with hatred at how I was treating WS (never abusive, just distant). WS and I had something special when we first dated and when we got married, but a few years into the marriage I had lost sight of what was important in our marriage and what was important for WS. WS began to despise me for this, and in the emotional void that developed because of me, it became filled by someone else who did all those other things that I used to do for WS, emotionally, physically, etc. Since I was not meeting WS’s needs, OP was fulfilling them instead. When I would accuse WS of not being committed to our relationship because of my perceived relationship with OP, WS retreated farther away from me, and closer to OP. Something that I have said a lot recently, even to WS, is that I am not willing to take the blame for the affair; that was entirely WS’s choice to go outside of the marriage. But I am willing to take the blame for setting up the conditions that led to the affair years later. I lost sight of what was important to me in the relationship, and WS went looking for it elsewhere. Their relationship was not grounded in reality, which is why WS still loves OP and why WS is having so much trouble giving up feelings for OP. They had all the good things about the first few months of a brand new relationship, with none of the bad/stressful things, like fights, kids, bills, work, etc. Since those things were reserved for our home life, they had the ability to separate the two lives they were leading, with all the good times happening with OP and everything else with me. Their relationship does not exist in the real world, but it is because of that very thing that WS is still torn with the “love” WS had for him and how OP made WS feel, and the real relationship WS has with me, with all the bumps and bruises to go along with it.

I am having a very hard time taking this all in right now. I still love WS, but knowing how strong the feelings for OP have developed while still married to me is killing me inside. I would rather WS had just had a physical relationship with OP, then I could somewhat justify it as a wayward moment of lust. But they were actually having a romantic and physical relationship with each other. WS said that there is willingness to give up the feelings for OP and no longer voluntarily see OP, but they are still co-workers and will still see each other and will be required to collaborate professionally every now and then. When WS and OP see each other at work, and they will every day no matter the reason, I am concerned that the feelings that WS has for OP will return each time, making it more difficult for those feelings to fade (as they might more easily if they couldn’t see each other every day). I am very concerned that in this process they will overcome their mutual guilt and remorse, and rekindle the relationship behind their families’ backs again, because their feelings are so strong that they cannot control themselves. Why not believe that; it is exactly the situation that led to the affair in the first place. Or there is the fear that WS will never stop loving OP, and I will always be competing with the image WS has of the perfect relationship with OP, and every moment or feeling that I cause WS to feel will be compared to the way OP made WS feel. I will never live down the legacy of the feelings that OP stirred up in WS.

Since the night I found out, we have had a lot of time to talk, both on the phone and in person. At first, I kicked WS out of the house, to only come back when WS was ready to rejoin the family. WS came back, though being in the same house has still been difficult. We have had so many ups and downs since I found out about two weeks ago. I would feel really good about the possibility of reconciliation and forgiveness, then something would trigger something negative about their relationship, and I would fly off the handle and begin questioning WS about the relationship with OP, or I would breaking into an uncontrollable sadness and begin weeping out loud, followed by her and I embracing, feeling extremely close, and even having sex a few times. I have had suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, uncontrollable sadness, fiery rage, and a sense of hopelessness and uselessness. One minute I cannot stand to be around her, and the next minute I cannot imagine my life without her. We have decided on reconciliation, and have had our first session with a marriage counselor, though we have both expressed concern that our relationship might not survive this. WS does not know if our relationship even has hope, and sometimes I feel the same way, but I do know that we still do love each other, even if that definition of love has markedly changed. Sad thing is, I know that WS is still on the fence about what to do on WS’s side of the relationship. WS doesn’t seem as sorry and repentant as I would think someone would be who would want to reconcile and stay with me. WS’s feelings on what WS wants are very wishy-washy, so they are in turn dictating my own feelings; I don’t know whether to have the feelings necessary to work on the marriage or the feelings of moving on.

I could really use some advice from people who have been there before. Right now, I do not know if I want WS to stay with me or if I want WS to leave and never come back. As for WS, we just talked this morning. WS wants to die, not commit suicide, just die so WS does not have to face these emotions of love, betrayal, guilt, etc. This in turn makes me feel sad that WS feels this way, and I want to try to comfort WS. I start to think that I am capable of passing over my own emotions and feelings in this matter in order to make WS feel better and have everything return to “normal.” Please help.

Three words. Tell his wife.

Next - the A is not your fault no matter how distant you became. She owns that. And until she is out of fantasy island there can be no discussions of R. Ask her to leave the house and you stay in it with the kids.

There's a lot of good stuff to read in the healing library. I would also recommend to get into IC. This is a big trauma and you need some help sorting it out.

She sure sounds very selfish. Before you do marriage counseling, she needs to do individual counseling to make herself a better person. She has to figure out why she turned to cheating to deal with her problems instead of turning to you. Why did she lose her moral character, or did she never have it. Why is she so selfish. Why doesn't she set boundaries. Those issues must be dealt with first, because there are always going to be marriage problems, and you need to know that she's not going to go fuck some other guy whenever problems arise. Once she gets her issues under control then go back to the marriage counseling.

Did you tell her AP's wife?

She needs to look for a new job ASAP. They just can't work together.

Hi Miserable! First off...it can be slow here on the weekends, so don't give up! Others will be along to help out. Second, welcome to SI! Some say to the best club you never wanted to join! And you certainly didn't ask to be here!

I'm SO glad you already realize that her A was in NO way your fault! You did NOTHING to cause it! If she were so unhappy, she could have told you, seperated, divorced, but have an A? NO way! You really seem to be ahead of many who JFO, in your thought process and understanding of her A! Good for you!

You never directly mentioned if her AP is married? If so, does she know about the A? If not, she needs to know & ASAP! First, because she deserves to know what is happening in her own life! Who she is really M to! Second, because it's a good way to expose it all, and most of the time, will stop the A from going on!

I'm sorry, but right now she sounds like she still just wants both! Her AP & you! Ummm, NO! Tell her she has a choice to make & it's either you or him! And you will NOT continue to share her! If she wants him, tell her good riddance! You deserve more than that! And trying to "nice her back"...well...that NEVER works! Stick to your guns & let her know it's time for her to make up her mind...that you are NOT waiting around!

I'm SO sorry you are dealing with this, but please know...you WILL make it! With or without her!

Wishing you only the best! Keep posting! We care!

I capitalize to emphasize, not yell! 😉

I'm so sorry that you are here, but am glad that you had the courage to post your entire story. You will find this to be a great place to vent, to get encouragement and to access the collective experiences and wisdom of many others who have been through the same thing. I'm sure others will be along, but weekends can be a bit slow.

For starters, please take care of yourself. Stay hydrated (no alcohol), get enough nutrition even if that means going to meal replacement shakes and get enough rest. If you fall behind in any area, seek out help from a doctor sooner rather than later. Also, take a look at the FAQ for betrayed spouses (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp) and The Healing Library (http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp).

You've done a great job at being thorough, so there is a lot to be replied to. I'll try and take some of the key things you will want to focus on:

I have felt inadequate since the beginning

Being betrayed is a huge blow in itself, but it sounds like you've had self-esteem issues for a while. Fixing these is a very important part of your own healing. You need to understand (1) it wasn't you that caused the affair and (2) you are a kind, caring, loving, patient, faithful person. You'll likely want an IC (individual counselor) who is not only experienced in infidelity, but also in helping with self-esteem.

I start to think that I am capable of passing over my own emotions and feelings in this matter in order to make WS feel better and have everything return to “normal.”

Do not do this! You are doing what we refer to as the "Pick Me!" dance. It is an attempt to "nice" your spouse back into the marriage. It doesn't work. The reason it doesn't work is because it is part of a manipulative strategy by your wife. She lost control when you discovered the affair, but then she quickly regained it by threatening suicide. Her continued "I want to die" theme keeps the focus off of what she did and forces you to just rug sweep what has happened.

During the summer, OP’s family went on a few days of vacation.

Does OP's wife know? I don't mean did your wife say that OP told his wife or did OP tell you that he told his wife. Did you contact the OP's wife directly, share the texting and sexting you are aware of, etc.? I ask for two very specific reasons:

1. She deserves to know. If the tables were turned and she discovered the affair, wouldn't you want to know?

2. It is the best way to prevent the affair from continuing and/or starting back up.

but they are still co-workers and will still see each other and will be required to collaborate professionally every now and then.

No. If you really want to fix things with your wife, she will need to rebuild the trust that she destroyed. How is that going to work in these circumstances? It can't.

Let's put it a different way. If the principal knew that the two of them had been having sex in a classroom, would he be OK with them continuing to work together? Hell no. That would be grounds for either both of them being fired or, at an absolute minimum, one of them being transferred elsewhere.

Why is it that you are supposed to keep their secrets, protect their jobs and accept them continuing to work together?

I know that WS is still on the fence

It is fairly common with cheaters. It is called fencesitting. The WS sets up a situation where both the BS and the OP compete for their affection. It is a great deal for the WS. She will get to have her cake and eat it too.

Why are you willing to accept this situation? You may want to look at the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover to see if it resonates with you.

I don’t know whether to have the feelings necessary to work on the marriage or the feelings of moving on.

It takes two to reconcile, so look at your wife's actions to see whether she is in it with you or not. The typical starting point for this is a remorseful spouse who is willing to...

- NC (no contact). Ever. In any context.

- Honesty. You get all questions answered. Anytime. Any number of times.

- Transparency. You have full access to everything (email, text, phone, social media, etc.). Deleting isn't allowed. Hidden accounts aren't allowed. Apps that hide communication aren't allowed.

- IC (individual counseling). She recognizes that she is broken and that she likely has a character gap that led her to choose to cheat. She does the hard work to sort out what this gap is, why she has it and what she needs to do in order to change herself into a safe partner.

At this point, she seems regretful (only sorry that she got caught and not concerned about the pain she has caused you), won't establish NC and is setting up a way to fencesit. She currently isn't a candidate for reconciliation.

My advice to you is:

1. Tell the OP's spouse.

2. Learn what your rights are from an attorney.

3. Don't accept fencesitting from your wife. She is either in or out. That includes NC and all the other requirements.

4. Cancel the MC for now. As long as she is fencesitting, it is a waste of time and money. Get your own IC instead.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 4:19 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

Thank you all for the great advice so far.

I have been seeking counseling from a therapist for the past few months, even before I know the A was going on. I don't think I have gotten out of it what I need, but I have had the opportunity to vent to someone.

OP's wife does know about the A. Once I had found the pictures, my wife let OP know that I had them. I contemplated telling her, and finally did the next day, only to find that Op told her about an hour before I did. Apparently, OP and his wife are attempting full reconciliation, for their kids. I have been in communication with her over Facebook, for commiseration purposes.

She says she is still in love with him, which makes any forward movement by me very difficult. I want to separate immediately because of this. She says that time may cause those feelings to go away. That is not good enough for me.

The most difficult thing, though, is I never wanted my kids to grow up with divorced parents. Kids with divorced parents either are messed up in some way, get divorced themselves, or become pawns in their parents' dislike of each other. Perhaps that is why I am trying to reconcile so early after finding out. I think I may actually be doing it for the kids, and I may

Right now, while trying to write this, I am talking to my 2yo daughter and weeping openly, thinking about what is going to happen to her over the next few months and years.

I am so scared for the future of my family, more than I am concerned for my own well-being. I know this is not healthy, but is this at least normal? And what can I do about it now and in the future?

She says she is still in love with him

Feelings aren't ON/OFF. They grow or fade. What you need to know from your wife is whether she is working on letting them fade or if she is trying to hold onto them and even nurture them.

From what you've written so far, it sounds like she is actively nurturing them. She is holding on to the ability to continue working with him instead of finding a way to get to NC for the sake of you and your marriage.

In addition, the whole conversation about "I love him" is disrespectful to you. It is torture. It is unempathetic. She does need to vent and go through her own grief of losing her fantasyland, but not with you. That is what an IC for her would be good for.

I am so scared for the future of my family

As a faithful, loving, caring, kind and empathetic person, this is totally normal. It speaks to your character and the depth of love that you have for your kids. Conversely, it speaks about the lack of character in your wife that she continues to be willing to chase her own self-centered fantasy to the peril of her own kids.

I think it is important to realize a few things.

1. Your wife chose this. She broke the marriage. If it ends in divorce, it is because of her actions.

2. Your wife's character will be caught, either consciously or subconsciously, by your children. At this point, it isn't looking good. Only your wife can change her course and give the kids a better legacy.

3. Your kids will also inherit your character. If you accept a wife that fencesits, disrespects you and cheats on you, they will be impacted by that. If you end up divorcing because you won't accept being disrespected, they will also learn from that.

In the end, your actions matter. You need to choose what is healthy and right for you. You need to do whatever you can to let your kids know that they are loved, regardless of what happens going forward.

I don't think I have gotten out of it what I need

There are great, good and bad ICs. If you aren't getting anything out of the one you have, don't be afraid to find a different one.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 4:36 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

Listen to what crushed said.

You have power over both of them. They are school employees. That is a card you can play if you need to.

We have decided on reconciliation, and have had our first session with a marriage counselor... I know that WS is still on the fence about what to do on WS’s side of the relationship. WS doesn’t seem as sorry and repentant as I would think someone would be who would want to reconcile and stay with me.

Sorry u r here. This is a terrible and sad time but you will survive this, one way or another.

IMO you're putting the cart in front of the horse. Its way to early for thoughts of either Reconciliation or Marriage counseling. Your Wayward spouse needs a truckload of individual counseling before you decide to progress together with marriage counseling. You don't want her to "Fake it" again do you? I believe you would want her to stay out of genuine desire and as nerve wracking as that process of discovery is for the BS sitting on the sideline, you deserve to share your life w/ someone truly committed to you and your family.

You need to assure that the affair is over and one of the ways many here will say to achieve that is to EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE THE AFFAIR TO FRIENDS, FAMILY AND COWORKERS. There can obviously be no NC if she's still sees Casanova at work everyday.

Much of the energy of a clandestine affair is generated by it's illicit nature. Shine a bright light and the seductive mist dissipates.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Csocal at 5:15 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

My mother and brother know about the affair (they have been great to talk to), and my wife's family knows (she had to let her dad know why she was spending a few nights there after I first had her leave). OP's wife knows, and she is dealing with her own version of this crap right now. However, I cannot tell her co-workers or her supervisors (principal or superintendent). As much as I want to tell the people at her work in order to shame them/keep them apart, there is the potential that they would both lose their jobs. Right now, I do not make enough to support myself and our two kids, and OP's wife does not work and their family is completely dependent on OP's job to survive. Additionally, such a scandal could draw the attention of the news, and I do not want to put my family or their family through that. There are too many innocents that would be affected. The best bet is for either WS or OP or both to get different jobs.

Consult an attorney. Find out what your rights are in your state.

You have to look out for your children regardless of what your wife and AP do.

Do not allow your cheating wife to control the outcome of this.

You have to protect your family.

Well, I am not sure about turning on and off feelings but I would definitely not stay with a spouse that is in love with someone else. We all deserve a significant other that loves us and not others.

You must have some self respect. Why do you want to be with her if she doesn't want you? If she could be with other man, if it was an option, she would be with him.

Go read some threads and see how quickly the cheaters change their minds once the betrayed refuses to put up with it. Go look at upsidedown1's thread; as soon as he was ready to move on, then his wife was all of a sudden wanting him. There are hundreds of threads on here in the past year. Likewise there are hundreds of threads like how you are handling it, not ready to pull the trigger and wishing she would love you. Those threads all end in fail. I can't think of a single one where the marriage worked. Don't believe me for it, go read the threads here and see how it works. Unless you think your situation is somehow unique.

There also are many cheaters who never come back, no matter what. So there is no guarantee. But your only chance is to put your foot down and not accept her wishy-washy confusion. If she doesn't come back, at least you keep your dignity.

I'm sorry about your kids and divorcing. It is beyond your control. You can only control yourself, you can't control your wife.

The longer you wait letting her be all wishy-washy, the longer she will not be able to come back to you.

The best thing that could happen right now is if she could go live and be with her other man. At the very least, let her leave and go live somewhere else. Let REALITY hit her. You are just propping up her wayward mindset and attitude.

If you are to stay married, she should have to leave that job. Don't tell me that she is unemployable aside from this particular school system. That is the consequence of cheating, and that is the only way you will be able to move forward without her still cheating again with him and you feeling OK eventually.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye."

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it? Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason? To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse? What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse? They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama-filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead," you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them," you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me."

You don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach," you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

The best bet is for either WS or OP or both to get different jobs.

The job situation is mainly indicative of where your wife is at in terms of the affair. There are a couple scenarios that I can envision.

1. She turns her words and actions around NOW and actively works to get to NC. She takes a transfer. The OP gets a different job. Whatever it is, she needs to not be wishy-washy. She takes decisive action with a concrete timeline. Then you have reason to hope that reconciliation is possible.

2. She continues to try to ride the fence and uses the financial situation to try and manipulate you into accepting ongoing contact with the OP.

Regardless of which one plays out, getting her fired will end up hurting you. In the first case, she needs to ability to either keep her job when the OP goes elsewhere or she has to find another position without a tarnished reputation. In the second, you would likely need to move towards divorce and she would likely owe you alimony and child support, so getting her fired would probably be something an attorney would advise against.

The key in all of this is not her or the OP's job, but your wife's actions. She needs to demonstrate that she is a good candidate for reconciliation. Otherwise, you need to be taking steps that clearly show her that what she is doing is unacceptable and that you won't tolerate it.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 7:10 PM, January 17th (Sunday)]

@MiserableInPA

They had all the good things about the first few months of a brand new relationship, with none of the bad/stressful things, like fights, kids, bills, work, etc. Since those things were reserved for our home life, they had the ability to separate the two lives they were leading, with all the good times happening with OP and everything else with me. Their relationship does not exist in the real world, but it is because of that very thing that WS is still torn with the “love” WS had for him and how OP made WS feel, and the real relationship WS has with me, with all the bumps and bruises to go along with it.

at the heart of infidelity is this. this is a wonderful way to sum it up. it's the difference in thought between a wayward spouse and a betrayed spouse.

hold on to this insight. focus your energy on your healing and the well being of your children. your wife has to take care of herself.

advice:

don't drink alcohol

don't do drugs

hydrate with plenty of water

eat a good meal with your children every day.

seek out an attorney, know your rights,

draft up a divorce (you can always change your mind. it isn't official until it is submitted through family court)

exercise: walking, biking, lift weights, anything to keep busy.

File and expose. The longer you let this go the less likely you will have the outcome you want.

He will throw her under the bus. She will see the will him and the real her.

Play to win.

Sorry for your pain OP. I am going to be blunt here, so forgive me if this offends you. You need to work on respecting yourself right now. The ideas that your WW can tell you she is in love with OM, and you even contemplating R are incompatible. She is stuck in her fantasy world where it's all unicorns and rainbows and your inaction is enabling her pleasant stay in fantasy land. If she truly feels that way, help her pack a bag, and drop her of at OM's house. She is his problem now. The likelihood though is that she only feels she "loves" OM because they are in fantasy land where bills, children and other real life problems don't exist. Pull her out of it and force her to deal with reality today, ask her to leave the house. If she says she has nowhere to go, tell her to go to the house of the man she loves. Do not tolerate such disrespect because people only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. In order to save your M, you must be willing to lose it.

Also, forget this nonsense about you helping create the environment that led her to cheat. She made the choice to cheat when there were a hundred other choices she could have made. She could have chosen to leave you, or she could have chosen to give you an ultimatum if she was unhappy. But, no, she chose to betray you and lie to you and put your health at risk. On its face, that should be unacceptable to you. How far out your league you feel she is is irrelevant. She chose to commit to you, now hold her accountable for breaking her vows. Sweeping this under the rug is just a recipe for this to happen again in the future. Good luck OP.

Sorry you are here my man

You will never R with your WW & the OM still working together period.

No R if they work together.

Her trying to "lose" these feelings for him when she knows she'll be seeing him and working with him everyday is like squirrel giving up acorns in an acorn shop.

Think about it, they'll have private time to themselves without you there.

You've essentially sanctioned a sweet deal for her.