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Can someone please explain to me how my husband can look me straight in the eyes, tell me he's willing to do ANYTHING to help me trust I'm getting the whole truth, yet still refuse to do the one thing that will help me believe he's told me everything and take a damn polygraph?

My fWH refused to take a polygraph too until very recently. And in hindsight it was simply because he was still lying. He only agreed to take it after additional TT brought the full truth to light. He said that once the full truth had come out in the open then he felt confident taking the polygraph. He did and passed it.

So from my experience it means they are still practising deception if they refuse to take it. And they are doing this to protect themselves not their BS.

The fact that my fWH continued to lie and cover up after dday clearly showed me that he was in control and looked out for himself. In truth I didn't matter that much. Its clear to me now that he continued to look out for numero uno himself until the full truths were finally revealed.

Things are much different now. As they say the lies and coverup after infidelity are more likely to kill the M than the cheating itself. So my fWH has made our healing much more difficult because he couldn't face his own shame. His lying was at my expense.

I had indications that he was still lying. He told me once when drunk and very angry that there were a lot of things I didn't know. So I'm also a big believer of "in vino, veritas". Otherwise he was able to lie straight to my face too. Bottom line cheaters are expert and habitual liars. Many don't stop the lying just because they stop the cheating.

[This message edited by whattheh at 11:53 AM, February 6th (Saturday)]

Can someone please explain to me how my husband can look me straight in the eyes, tell me he's willing to do ANYTHING to help me trust I'm getting the whole truth, yet still refuse to do the one thing that will help me believe he's told me everything and take a damn polygraph?

Because he isn't willing to do ANYTHING.

Its that simple. Willingness to do anything is, in fact, doing anything you need to help you get over the devastation that he caused.

What will you do if he doesn't take the poly?

I will eventually divorce him although that's not what I truly want.

Can someone please explain to me how my husband can look me straight in the eyes, tell me he's willing to do ANYTHING to help me trust I'm getting the whole truth, yet still refuse to do the one thing that will help me believe he's told me everything and take a damn polygraph?

Sure. He's willing to do ANYTHING [that HE decides] will help you.

The longer you do this dance with him, the more entrenched he's going to become in his stance. The focus will slowly shift from his betrayal onto how controlling and "crazy" you are and how you just won't "let it go" and blahblahblah.

My ex liked to play this game with me. I finally started to see him as the evil kid (him) who teased the dog (me) by holding a bone just out of the dog's reach, while cruelly laughing about how pathetic and stupid the dog was because it thought it had a chance in hell of getting that bone.

I got tired of being that pathetic, stupid dog and it was Game.Over.

How ironic you should mention that Gonnabe2016! During a heated discussion just last night, the term "crazy" was used at my expense. I said to my WS at one point, "how can you not expect a person to become completely unhinged when everything they believed about their life was a lie and the other person continues to lie to them?" Crazy my ass! Call it being human. Maybe if he was human, he'd understand.

DeservesBetter70... Listen to me... This will make sense!

He won't take a polygraph because he KNOWS you will bust him out on more stuff! Stuff you would probably divorce him for anyway! It is a means of self preservation in a way. If he thinks you will divorce him in either event... He will opt for keeping the secrets hidden just like my little Ice Queen.

I am right there with you! My Ice Queen had an attitude problem nobody could understand how I put up with! Even her parents would wince at times and her mother would say, "I don't know how you do it!" Our friends would say that too. Not like I was henpecked... But after years... I learned to let it roll off my back. She would sometime come back to apologize... "Sorry... PMS!"

Prepare for divorce! Go talk to a lawyer. I wanted to R with my wife too... But I had to know what I needed to forgive. Apparently she thought it would be too much... She just wanted to rugsweep... NOPE! Not doing that... Again!

You sound like you have a better grasp than you did when you first came here. Stay strong and if you think your WS might be looking at what you post and you want to keep it private... PM me to discuss anything. The similarities between us are freaky!

It's a rollercoaster for sure. But post here often and it will help you more than you realize now!

So I'm sitting here in the parking lot of my gym writing this. I came here to try and work out some stress but need to vent here before I go in. My husband wrote me a long email yesterday so he could communicate his feelings to me since we've had a lot of trouble doing that without it getting ugly. He professed his love and his willingness to do whatever it takes. He wants me to put spyware on all his electronic devices and change the password on our home PC so only I can access it. He wants me to put him on my tracking app I have for my daughter for when she's out driving. What he doesn't understand is that I don't track her because I don't trust her. I track her because I worry about her. Of course, the polygraph isn't on the list. I told him I'm not really interested in doing all those things because that's not how I want to live. I don't want to spend the next six months or six years checking up on everything my husband does. I haven't done that for the past 25 years we've been together and I don't want to start now. That's not my idea of marriage. If he'd just figure out how much easier it would be to regain my trust by taking a polygraph, this situation could take a 180 turn so quickly. If I can trust that I know everything that's already taken place, then I can honestly say I will be able to move forward and work on rebuilding my trust for the future. He tells me the decisions are all in my hands, but he doesn't see that they are still in his. By saying "still" meaning he's made all the decisions about our relationship over these past years doing whatever it is he's done behind my back. I've decided I'm no longer going to dig. It's destroying me quickly. If he won't do what I ask, what's the point. I see a lawyer in two days. I'll use that to learn my rights and where I stand. We've both agreed not to do anything related to separation or divorce until June. I just ask for the strength to hold on that long.

Deserves, sending strength to you! Now is the time to try and word the polygraph as the means to an end if your digging. Meaning, if you can tell him that knowing it all will help you accept and maybe move on you can let him see taking it as a positive. Once you get the final word and can grasp the whole picture there maybe hope.

That's how I got my WH to comply, I told him that since his word means nothing a poly will solidify the truth and I'll be able to work through it. Now is that true, we'll maybe, you might decide it's all too much and still D BUT before you can even chose to R you need it all. No matter how much it hurts you need the truth and he needs to OWN it fully! For him to even be able to get help in IC the both of you's need to see the full picture.

My WH lied at every therapists meeting both in IC and MC and it want until the whole truth was out did he finally see what his issues were. I thank God every day I listened to the folks here and pushed him to poly, he would've gotten away with admitting to the one affair he HAD too and NEVER would be getting the right therapy he needed to be better, I would've probably chosen to R and then years later found out he had cheated again and been in this crap storm again, I'm so grateful it all came out and he was given no choice but to own at and work on it.

I filed for the D immediately and it was the BEST thing to do. It let my WH see I was serious and since we're choosing to R I worked with my attorney to prepare a reconciliation agreement that turns post- nuptial without signing in 2 years that is very hard to bust that would give me 75% of everything if either of us cheat. It's very detailed to include emotional affairs to him even being in possession of a burner phone or even being in a dwelling alone with a female. It has every physical thing spelled out completely.

Hugs, crazy train.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 10:26 AM, February 7th (Sunday)]

Does anyone besides me wish we could go back to a time before cell phones and social media? Technology is a wonderful thing, but reading post after post on this site shows just how destructive it can be. I know I wish we could go back so my WS wouldn't have had so many opportunities to deceive me and do it so easily. Still waiting for him to change his mind about a polygraph. Had an interesting day today. He saw his IC this morning followed by a trip to the doctor for STD testing. He came home palpably stressed out and distraught. He was supposed to discuss the polygraph with his IC today. I assume he did, but I didn't ask. He was very short with me initially because of miscommunications at the doctor's office and I stayed very calm reminding him that I had done nothing wrong and was not angry with him like he was claiming. He left the room and sat in the den in the dark. I went in after awhile and asked if he wanted to talk and he said no. I left him alone and went about things around the house. About an hour later, he came down, put his coat on and grabbed his keys. I asked where he was going and he said he didn't know, just out. Okay. He was gone about 2 1/2 hours came home and still seemed distressed. I didn't push for any conversation or act empathetic. I don't know if he was trying to get that from me. I felt slight pity for him but an overwhelming sense of "whatever ". I'm really curious to know what took place in his therapy session today. He was so mentally broken today. I was definitely the strong one on this day. It's sad that I question if he was putting on a show looking for sympathy or if it was actually genuine. So hard to know these days.

Does anyone besides me wish we could go back to a time before cell phones and social media?

Amen. I've taken to daydreaming about buying an island without internet/tv/cell phone reception. There is actually one off the coast of Florida that seems perfect. It's close enough to the mainland, but still an island. I have a few people offering to come with me. Now I just need $12m....

Can someone please explain to me how my husband can look me straight in the eyes, tell me he's willing to do ANYTHING to help me trust I'm getting the whole truth, yet still refuse to do the one thing that will help me believe he's told me everything and take a damn polygraph?

Yes. I can explain. It would only be because you don't have the full truth and he's afraid of you having the full truth. Period.

We've both agreed not to do anything related to separation or divorce until June. I just ask for the strength to hold on that long.

Why is that?

Why let him set that standard. You are the one in control, the one who makes ALL R decisions. Not him. He has no say.

See your lawyer. WH is still manipulating you, and he doesn't realize that his manipulation gig is up.

The June timeline is actually my decision. I'm trying to protect my daughter. It's her junior year of high school, she has SATs and ACTs coming, grades to keep up. I know many people feel kids can get through these things pretty well and I agree. I've heard from people on this site that have personal experience and their kids have come out strong. I'm just not ready to test those waters yet. Ironically, last evening, my daughter and I went out to grab some dinner alone. WS was still pouting and didn't want to join us. She actually told me it feels like we( my WS and I) are "divorced but you're not". She said it seems that way sometimes because it's just me and her so much. He's been away for work a lot over recent years, traveling frequently. She and my husband were close when she was young. She doesn't feel that connection with him anymore. He's become quite snippy towards both us in recent years, a likely side effect of carrying great amounts of subconscious guilt. So, she probably would survive okay, but as I said, not ready to go there. I am seeing a lawyer. This morning actually. My WS has no clue. I've been hesitant to do it, but I feel good about it today. I just need to find out exactly where I stand. I have been a SAHM nearly 17 years and have no income. Planning on heading back to the workforce this spring or summer. I need to take a course to bring me up to date on my area of work. Is it normal to feel guilty that I'm seeing a lawyer behind his back? It feels odd being the one on the deceiving end, meaning only that I'm doing something behind HIS back.

Is it normal to feel guilty that I'm seeing a lawyer behind his back? It feels odd being the one on the deceiving end, meaning only that I'm doing something behind HIS back.

I get ^^this^^, sure.

Sure, it is normal.

And yet... if you want to ease your conscience, go ahead and tell him after today's meeting. Why not? I would guess that he gets hit with a dose of reality as a result, and may even move into a more truthful mode with you.

So sorry you're going through this, DeservesBetter. So much of your last post kindof rings true to me.

Shortly after my DDay, folks here likewise pressured me to bring the kids in on it. I did not. I resisted, just like you. In the end, it turns out that my daughter already knew (her DDay had been the summer before!) and had said things to me similar to what your daughter is saying to you. At times, I still wish my son had never found out. That's not on me...just like your situation is not on you.

I hope your WH snaps out of it.

Good luck...

I completely understand the feeling of feeling badly for doing something behind his back. I have my first session with a new IC on Friday. We haven't been to MC since Jan 2015 because he was too busy traveling for work and it upset him to go (the main reason, I think), but I've been feeling like I really need to get back to it. I don't want to tell him right now because he'll get all "I thought we were doing good?" "Why do you have to start this again?" ...... I just don't have the emotional strength for it right now, hense IC again (plus AD meds, which I also haven't told him about). But I feel guilty and sneaky about it.

The reason we feel bad is because we're honest people who know it's wrong to sneak around behind our spouses back. We're not comfortable with it - unlike them. I think that's one of the reasons I have such a hard time understanding it all.

For us it's preservation. For them it's selfish.

Hang in there! You're being very strong, whether you feel like it or not.

I saw the lawyer yesterday, and at this point, am keeping it to myself. The consult was helpful. I actually am entitled to more than I thought, especially since I've been a SAHM almost 17 years and the income difference between my WS and myself even when I return to work will be substantial. That was comforting. I'm not planning on filing anything right now, but it's good to know where I stand and what I need to do if I should decide to go my separate way. WS has been writing me long letters via email the past couple of days. He's finding that to be an easier way to communicate his feelings to me. I read them and what I get from them is he IS seeing what he has done and how horrible it is. I still haven't asked him how his IC went on Monday, particularly the polygraph dicussion he was supposed to have with his IC. I remain halfheartedly hopeful. Last night was rough for me. I don't know what triggered it, but I remembered that WS had telephone contact with OW on our wedding anniversary this past year. I tried to tell myself that I must have been looking at another date on the cell records, so I went back to them again yesterday just to that date to confirm it to myself. It was worse than I remembered. He called her at 6:43 am that morning, even before he spoke to me that day. There was another call sometime around 5pm. He then spoke to me last that night around 9pm. (He was out of town for work that night, was home in the afternoon) His last call that night was at 10:18pm to the OW. Soooo, on our most recent wedding anniversary, my WS began and ended his day talking to the most important person to him at the time, and it wasn't his loyal wife of 21 years. And to top things off, that very same day when he was home in the afternoon, I asked him if he was cheating on me and he looked me straight in the eyes and without hesitation said no. A month later I learned my suspicions were real. Sad that I asked him that on our anniversary, I know. But, it was something I just felt at the moment. When I think about things like this, I question myself as to why I'm even considering R. I feel like such a weak person to actually consider forgiving someone who would think so little of me and treat me that same way. I don't know what I'm fighting for some days. I do deserve better, don't I?

Heartbroken, lonely, sad, angry, rage, helpless, worthless, tired, weak, fooled, betrayed, out of control, sick, confused, devastated, humiliated, Hearbroken. Just some of the feelings I've been dealing with these past three months. I miss feeling happy.

Any spyware, or tracking system that he is aware of, is absolutely useless.

He is offering nothing. A bandaid.

He's hoping you go for it. But it will prove nothing. Except, he will know h0ow to not get caught...meaning he won't use the phone with the spyware, and it's very easy to get around a gps.

Stay strong and insist on the polygraph.

Like everyone else who posts here, the main thing I want from my WS is honesty. Why does it have to hurt so much though? We've had some intense, deep conversations since this mess all came to light. As much as they help me, they kill me. Believe me, I appreciate WS openness with answering some of my questions, but God, it hurts hearing the truth. Last night was one of those times. My WS has always told me he fell in love with me pretty much the first time he met me, a casual 5 minute introduction when my friends and I ran into a guy we knew and he was with him, many years ago. He has repeatedly likened our relationship over the years as "having a Ferrari in the garage that you can't drive". He always has and still does find me to be extremely attractive and has said to me "you're sexy as hell and you don't even realize it". These improprieties he's had have had more to do with an emotional desire than a sexual one. He's told me it's never been about looks, but about how OW made him feel. Last night he used a strange analogy to food to describe how he felt about me. Basically, that I was his favorite meal, but he couldn't have his favorite meal, so he settled for what was available. The sad thing is, I was available and he didn't care. He admits he could see I was trying to fix things between us, but he was gone, mentally. It's strange, even though he tells me this whole thing has had nothing to do with looks, and I do believe him about that because I know one of the OW personally, and she is very unattractive, it still makes me feel bad about my self image and appearance. I know it's superficial and maybe I should be glad my WS has more depth in him than to cheat because a prettier model came along, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I believe I mentioned in a previous post, maybe not on this thread, that I discovered 2 more EA about a month after the first. Even though the initial EA I discovered went the furthest in terms of crossing lines with sex(they sexted, shared pictures, and had phone sex), I feel more threatened by the one he says he had no sexual discussions with at all. Here is where my insecurities about my looks come into play. This particular OW was the most attractive of the three OW (that I know about, still think there may be more, hence the push for a polygraph). He's actually admitted she was attractive, where he didn't with the other two. He even agreed with me the one is pretty unattractive. He still says that even though he found this "threat" to be attractive, none of them were as pretty as me. So why do I still feel so bad? He admitted to me last night that even though they (WS and the "most threatening OW") never had a conversation about taking their relationship to a deeper physical level, he wanted to. I guess she threatens me more, because not only did he have an emotional attraction with this particular OW, but a strong physical attraction too. That's a double whammy and such a hit to my sense of security. I know it seems so superficial, but I can't help it. I think what I'm trying to convey on this post is, I don't know. It's hard to know that there is someone out there who can take away so much of your self esteem. He knew he had no real future with her, yet he wanted more. I feel sick that he wanted more and that he found her physically appealing. Sorry for the long rant. I don't know if I'm making any sense. It just hurts to know I'm not good enough.