SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree..If he is refusing, he is hiding something..Or he has an ego a mile long / wide and thinks he can intimidate and manipulate you...

"....without [/italic]choosing[/italic]" (or perhaps "needing") "to use polygraphy."

Good point, solus sto. Probably "choosing" or "needing" would be better word choices. However, using "having" is an okay word choice, too, without it being judgmental or offensive, imo. I didn't "have" to use a polygraph to get what I needed. Maybe some "have" to use a polygraph to get what they need. In an earlier post in this thread I did use "choose".

I do understand that for many it worked and they are happy with the results and I am not judging anyone for choosing that route. For me, a polygraph would just be too much and a sign to me that it is time to end the marriage.

My quote from the post earlier in thread. But, if you want to judge me, solus, because I used "having" instead of "choosing" and call me judgmental and offensive, I am fine with that.

Wasn't trying to make anyone feel bad for using polygraphs. Wanted to put in a little perspective from those that choose not to use polygraphs. That they shouldn't feel bad or weird for not wanting to go that route.

what you required speaks to precisely ONE case of infidelity: your own. It's terrific polygraphy was not required for you. You're one woman.

Yes, that is the experience I am speaking from. My own. Not telling others my experience should be theirs. Where did you get me telling others that they should be like me, solus? Sheesh! However, there are many here that have reconciled and healed without the use of polygraphs. So it is more than ONE case of infidelity, not just mine, just as there are many cases here of infidelity that used polygraphs in their healing journey's. And, frankly, I find this a new phenom here at SI. When I joined SI, polygraphs weren't the go to advice as it seems to be now. I know I wasn't advised to do this. Even though I felt I didn't have the truth and, in fact, didn't have all the truth.

eta: to fix comma's; clarity

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:16 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

SMS...I joined right after you did. I don't remember polygraphs being a "go to" either.

I do, however, recommend them a lot on here. Because of *my* experience. I knew there was more..And when we had a broken boundary a few years after dday, I knew there was no way I could continue to eat the shit sandwich unless I had the entire truth. So I got some TT...And he passed the poly. It brought me peace. Had I insisted on the polygraph within the first few months after dday, it would have saved me an enormous amount of pain. So, when I suggest the poly...It's because I'm trying to spare them additional pain...And because my spidey senses are tingling..And it's obvious the bs hasn't been told the truth.

I don't think anyone should feel bad about NOT insisting on a polygraph. And I don't think anyone should feel bad about requiring one. There are enough things about being betrayed to feel bad about...how we go.about getting the truth about our marriages shouldn't be one of them. In the end, we need what we need.

I don't think anyone should feel bad about NOT insisting on a polygraph. And I don't think anyone should feel bad about requiring one. There are enough things about being betrayed to feel bad about...how we go.about getting the truth about our marriages shouldn't be one of them. In the end, we need what we need.

Agree, confused.

I am sure there are others (StrikerOne/lurkers) who feel the same about polygraphs as I do. But because that is how I feel doesn't mean I feel others should feel the same. And, as it seems to be the party line nowadays here at SI to "get a polygraph", many may not feel comfortable sharing their discomfort and legitimate concerns about polygraphs. I don't feel anyone should be pressured into forcing their WS to get a polygraph.

if it got to the point where I felt I had to polygraph my FWH that would be the time I was ending my marriage

I think this is what sent up my shackles a little. Though I do totally get that written word does not properly convey the feeling behind the words, so those shackles may very well be misplaced.

All I can say is that for me, I know I can look at all electronics, accounts, etc., but I also know that he can easily get around those if he wants to and I also know that 24/7 marriage cop is not the marriage I want to have. And, so, I feel like why should proving he is telling the truth or lying be all on me, as much as possible, it should be on him. And, while the poly isn't the end-all, be-all, it is one of many things he can do to help. I just cannot see any reason why a truly remorseful spouse wouldn't want to give that to their betrayed.

It really doesn't matter how one "feels" about a polygraph. The fact is...time, after time, after time, after time those who ask for a polygraph get more "truth". In fact, probably less than 5% of BS get the truth on DDay.

Most WS, because of continuing the affair, FOO issues, conflict avoidance, or whatever dysfunction they have, feel the need to continue those lies in spite of books, SI advice, therapists' advice, the obvious needs of their BS, and common sense.

My WH had maintained lies for 2 years.....he was THANKFUL and RELIEVED that he was finally forced to tell the whole truth. He will happily take a poly whenever I ask for the rest of his life....it probably won't be needed in his case.

I absolutely recommend polys as a way to cut through the bullshit quickly. Yes, some WS will come out with the truth EVENTUALLY.....but at what cost?

if it got to the point where I felt I had to polygraph my FWH that would be the time I was ending my marriage

Why would how I feel about polygraphing my FWH and being the time I would end my marriage cause "your shackles to go up" EDarcy? This is how I feel. That doesn't invalidate anyone else's feelings, and mine aren't invalid because the majority feels differently than me. Operative words here are "I" and "my". I am not speaking for anyone else.

If I got to the point in my marriage that the only way I am going to feel comfortable with and "trust" my FWH is to polygraph him, that is a dealbreaker for me. That is when I would be DONE. That is not how I choose to live my life. This whole fucking infidelity trip has been surreal and then polygraphing my FWH on top would be the tipping point for me on all the surrealness I can handle. But, I totally get how to others that wouldn't be a dealbreaker. I suppose I should just keep my opinions to myself and let all the ones with the majority opinion be the only voice heard.

Rips, it does matter how one feels about polygraphs. At least for me, it does.

Big blowout fight last night. It was over texting thankfully so my daughter wasn't aware. Not sure how much longer I can keep this from her. WS is out of town on business and hates dealing with any of this when he's working. I can't help myself. I can't make my mind shut off just because he's working, especially when I know he spent MANY hours he was supposed to be working texting and talking to the OW. I figured I'm owed his discomfort and inconvenience. Anyway, it was over the damn polygraph. Still refusing. I've explained to him why it will help me and that it's more about his refusal to take it than the validity of the test and it doesn't seem to matter. I so wanted to tell him I have an appointment with an attorney on Tuesday but I've had to bite my lip multiple times. I know he doesn't deserve to know that unless I actually hand him the papers. This is effecting him at work now and I have to be honest, I don't think I care. He's now worried about "gossip". Maybe he should have worried about that before he decided it was okay to deceive me and treat me like shit. What's funny to me is how the OW wants nothing to do with him now. Fear will do that to a person. Doesn't want to screw up her own marriage. I asked WS how he felt that someone he was such "close friends" with and spent so much time on the phone with wants nothing to do with him now. No real answer. Why doesn't he see that I continue to be the ONLY person in his life to completely stand by him, especially now. I know there are those that don't feel polygraph is a good idea, but I need this. I need to know that he is willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel secure. That's all I need from him. By him putting himself in the vulnerable position of being scrutinized by a machine, which I agree has validity issues, to show me he loves me and is not trying to hide anything would mean the world to me. I envy those of you who didn't feel it was necessary that go this route, but I cant help but wonder how any of you would feel if you did need to go this route and your WS denied you.

I am so sorry that you had a rough night, DeservesBetter.

I would be upset if my FWH didn't want to do something that I felt I needed for us to be able to reconcile. I would feel that he didn't "get it" and that he probably didn't want to reconcile if he couldn't do what I needed. Yes, it would be very upsetting.

Have you let him know that his refusal will be a dealbreaker for you, DeservesBetter?

DB70 -

I am so sorry that your WH is refusing to do what you fell is necessary to heal and R. It's so unfair and really not within his right to refuse if he wants to stay married to you!!! IMO

I can't speak for those who didn't want polygraphs or think they have no validity! That is their opinion and I think just really didn't fit into their situation. That's great for them, but your situation is no theirs.

I waited 11 long months to get the polygraph. I wish I had done it sooner. I learned a lot in the week leading up to it. WH had some TT that was painful, but for 11 months my gut instincts were telling me that there was more...meaning they had sex. I felt he knew it was the only real deal breaker for me, so I felt it was the one thing he would try to lie and take to his grave. He desperately wants to R and knew it would be the dagger to end our M!

For months I agonized over him doing lots of hard work, but feeling like just couldn't take his word regarding sex. I wanted so desperately to believe him, to accept this as the truth! I really, really tried, but I just couldn't let it go! That's how I got to the polygraph! I felt it was the only way to come to terms with, accept, move on, whatever you want to call it with whether or not they had sex! I couldn't trust my gut and I sure as hell couldn't trust him!

Off to the poly we went! We actually had two in a matter of 5 days! As I mentioned earlier, I got some TT in the days leading up to it, but nothing so damaging that I would walk away. He failed the first one on physical contact and inconclusive on sex. Passed on no oral sex and no nude photos. After the failure, got the last of the TT. Painful, hurtful TT but still not the dagger was looking for. 5 days later, poly #2. He passed on on questions. I knew of all physical contact. They did not have sex. They did not have oral sex and there were no nude photos. Finally!!! The bottom of the damn barrel!!

I guess my point is, some people don't need the poly! Some people don't want the poly! Maybe they found a way to believe their lying, cheating spouses again. Maybe they have no faith in the test itself. That's okay, but for those like you and I, we want it, we need it!

In the end, I got the answers that I desperately wanted and rightfully deserved! I don't regret the polygraph! I'd do it again if I thought I needed it! It brought me to a place of acceptance that I had all the information that I needed and wanted to make the best decision I can for ME!!!

I don't know if my M will survive. I haven't really decided yet, but what I do know is that the poly helped me get to the bottom of all of my burning questions!!

I hope your husband can see the poly as a consequence of his actions and condition for R! We didn't ask for this, but we sure as hell get to set the course for R!!! It's up to him if he's all in or moving out!!

Love & Hugs to you, my friend!!!

Stay strong!!!!

Doesn't want to screw up her own marriage

Does the OW's betrayed husband know?

If not, you should let him know.

Yes, I have demanded the poly as a condition of R. and yes, the OW claims her husband is aware of what was going on. I'm not sure I believe her, but I know she has two young children and I can't find it in me to pursue that with the BS not knowing anything about their family. I did contact her and that's how I know her BS is supposedly aware. I just found it funny that after I contacted her, a few days later she got in touch with my WS and told him she wanted no contact from either of us again. That tells me she had some time to think and she's scared and that the BS may not really know. I'll let God and Karma deal with that issue.

Yes, I have demanded the poly as a condition of R. and yes, the OW claims her husband is aware of what was going on. I'm not sure I believe her, but I know she has two young children and I can't find it in me to pursue that with the BS not knowing anything about their family. I did contact her and that's how I know her BS is supposedly aware. I just found it funny that after I contacted her, a few days later she got in touch with my WS and told him she wanted no contact from either of us again. That tells me she had some time to think and she's scared and that the BS may not really know. I'll let God and Karma deal with that issue.

Please try to confirm with OW's husband. You have no reason to trust OW (or WH). He deserves to know the truth as well.

He may also know additional information that he can share with you. Plus it will be another set of eyes to (hopefully) ensure no contact.

I have no way of contacting her husband. I cannot find ANYTHING about her online or on social media. All I know is that she lives in another state and no longer works with my WS. I'm tired and really don't want to do anymore detective work.

I have no way of contacting her husband. I cannot find ANYTHING about her online or on social media. All I know is that she lives in another state and no longer works with my WS. I'm tired and really don't want to do anymore detective work

Gently. What if OWH is unaware? What if he suspects something but has no proof? What if he has evidence of what actually happened? I think there is a lot of upside to telling him with very little downside to you.

I know exactly how this feels..I have been this route..

Not with poly per se, but with post nup..

The WH refused to agree with us drafting and him signing one.. His refusal was angry and abusive ..

"Hell no bitch" were his words..

I have yet to get out of the marriage legally..Health issues make it difficult for me to work full time..I don't have enough financially to support myself on 1/2 of my income the way it stands now..

So I don't do anything for the WH..Meals, laundry he fends for himself..If he is sick, he fends for himself..Car trouble, need a ride? He fends for himself..We live in separate bedrooms..I help a little with 1/2 of the utilities, that is all I contribute monetarily..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:36 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

Meaning to say you can sure make life around the house different for him..Do nothing for him..

He won't like his new normal..But unlikely he can legally kick you out...

On the other hand this may force his hand in some way..

Either he decides to agree to your conditions, stay in the marriage while doing the heavy work, or he chooses to move out ( or buy you out ) and deal with a pending divorce..

Please listen to the good folks here...I didn't initially take the advice of pushing for the poly because of my WH's excuses and I'm glad I did push for it. My WH physically cheated with 13 women and he was well and happy to take that to his grave. If I hadn't pushed we would have never known the depths of his issues that resulted from ultimately HIS bad choices and issues from his really abusive past.

He was happy to deny it all after he was caught an admit to the just one supposed PA.

My point is to not back down from the poly and save yourself months and years of wondering...the poly will put the lies to rest.

DB70.... You are SOOOOOOO me! I was where you are. My WW was willing to take a poly when it was limited to only her current affair. Then I looked at phone records and saw she was talking to other men. When I mentioned that the poly would include our WHOLE marriage.... She refused!

She had family and friends beating me up... "It will be humiliating for her!" "She will feel like shit!" Yeah... How do they think I feel?

WW's brother emailed me... He works a fed job and said that polys can only be around 80% effective. I told him that I would take 80% of the truth... I cannot ever forget... But I can only forgive what I KNOW ABOUT! The fine people here pushed me for the poly... I felt I HAD TO KNOW!

I approached my WW with logic, cell phone transcripts and built my case around a few other lies she had told. Then the trickle truth started flowing a little. I told her that if she wants to try to EVER regain my trust... I need to know everything. I'll even assume she had 10 affairs during our marriage... JUST TELL me!

Nothing... And still refusing to take the poly. She refuses at this point as I think she fears I would divorce her anyway for what would be found out. If it is divorce either way (in her mind) she'd rather keep her lies secret so she doesn't look like an even bigger bitch than she already is to friends and family!

Go read my thread Just Found Out the 26th! Merry F'n X-mas! and you'll see you are now where I was!

This is the way I look at it. I have a limb that has Gangrene... It's not fun to deal with... But if I don't cut off the limb... It will kill me in the long run. YES... It will hurt more right now... But it will only kill me later if I don't look after MY best interests at this point!

Don't put up with his shit! Be strong! We are in your corner!

[This message edited by MindBlown at 2:18 PM, February 4th (Thursday)]

MindBlown,

I read your thread. It was ALOT to read. I didn't take notice to your bio at the bottom of your post above until just now and saw you have your impending divorce date there. How sad! It IS so scary how our situations mirror each other's in so many ways. It saddens me terribly, because at his point, I'm still holding out hope that my WS will "wake up" and do what he needs to do. After reading all your posts, what struck me the most is how alike your WS and my WS think. It's like they are the same person. I told him last night that I believe he is still hiding things and doesn't want to tell me because it's so bad that it will break me and i will not be able to get beyond it or that he actually doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has, but he needs to understand that if I find things out later on my own, it will be compounded immensely. I want to believe he cares about me and wants to fix things because he truly loves me, but I can't help but think he's doing this not because he loves me and is devoted to me, but because he knows he has SOOOOO much to lose. I have said it on prior posts and I will say it again. I am the ONLY person in his life who has stood by him no matter what. Christ, I'm here now! The OW have no interest in helping him get through this. The fact that my WS seems like he could actually share DNA with your WS is highly disheartening. I have an appointment at noon today with a new IC. I had to stop seeing the other. She was counseling my WS first and it's caused a conflict of interest. I'm hoping this new IC can help me. My WS is 45 too. Maybe they are twins that were separated at birth!