SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For me, taking the poly couldn't make it any worse and had some possibility of helping me move forward.

But, not taking it would confirm that divorce was the only option. Not taking the poly, at the least, would confirm that his pride and secrets were still more important than my health and sanity and that was never again going to happen in my marriage, if there was a marriage to be had.

I wonder how the fuck marriages were healed from infidelity when polygraphs weren't readily available?

Not saying that DesevesBetter WH isn't lying still. Not saying he is remorseful. I don't know. I just know that I will not be relying on polygraph tests for me to suss out lies and liars. *shrug*

Today is now the saddest day of my life. I have a consultation scheduled with a divorce attorney for this coming Tuesday. He's such an asshole! I am willing to work at forgiving him for ANYTHING he could have done, and he won't let me. Why is he so damn stupid? Noone, and I mean noone, on this planet would be willing to do for him what I am willing to do. Why can't he see that?

I'm really scared

(((DeservesBetter))) I am so sorry. Of course you are scared. The unknown is frightening. But, what I can say is that you will survive. We will see to it that you do.

I am sorry that your WH can't see what an amazing woman you are. And, you are. He is very foolish and selfish. He will probably live to regret his choices.

You don't have to be an off the scale mental case in a prison psych ward to manipulate those machines, you just have to have a set of balls, the ability to control your breathing and movements in a deliberate manner

I guess if you have a set of balls big enough, you can, by sheer willpower, speed up your liver, or slow down your kidneys. Why don't people with heart problems or high blood pressure just breathe deeply and enlist the help of their balls, for crying out loud.

Breathing has a minimal impact on pulse and blood pressure. And you can't practice deep breathing effectively while answering the questions of an examiner.

Just because polygraphs are not 100% accurate, doesn't mean the results are simply random. Polygraphs have an accuracy of more than 50%. And, a large part of the power of them is that many people believe they can't fool the machines. Being on SI I've seen more parking lot confessions than you can count. DeservesBetter's WH is apparently scared of taking a polygraph, which is a great reason to pursue it, imo. I actually believe in the power of polygraphs to elicit confessions more than I believe in the accuracy of the tests.

You're doing the right thing, DeservesBetter. I'm sorry.

Don't be scared. Just meeting with the attorney doesn't mean you have to do anything. You are just gathering facts to see how to proceed, if you choose to divorce. Take a notebook and pen, and financial documents from the last few years if you can. Relax. You will feel better after this meeting.

Good for you Deservesbetter! You will feel better and less afraid when you have knowledge and a plan. This is YOUR life.

I am so empathetic to your pain. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, since you do NOT want a D. But a healthy M takes 2 and your WH isn't there.

We are here for you.

And a slight t/j:

SisterMilkshake,

I wonder how the fuck marriages were healed from infidelity when polygraphs weren't readily available

Well, it was a man's world not that long ago. If a wife found out, she had to ultimately settle for whatever truth or action her WH was willing to give. Hell, women couldn't even get their own credit cards until the 1970's!! She didn't have the POWER to demand the truth and most women didn't have the means to D. For both men and women I imagine they took their secrets to the grave. If the affair came to light....rugsweeping to prevent a scandal was the usual. My MIL cheated on my FIL with his good friend. They had a blow up that day, he confronted that friend, yelled at my MIL for about a day and then they NEVER talked about it again. He stayed for the kids but their marriage was dead. He waited 17 years for the youngest to go to college and then he divorced. He didn't even bring up the infidelity during the D even though that is part of why he left. He never had another male friend again.

The short answer...they didn't really heal.

I relate so much to this! Husband refuses on the same basis as yours does. I am really struggling to move on because I have too many questions and things that don't make sense in my head. We don't have the sort of cash we would need for poly and have quite a bit of debt the money could go to and that is another thing that he uses as a reason. I have offered the amnesty for coming clean etc.

Currently - have told him if I still don't feel better in May (we have a property we rent out and it will become available again in May) then he has to move out and into the old property.

I feel the love feeling just isn't there for me anymore and I could walk away easily if it weren't for our son. Life is generally good with no arguments or bad atmosphere when he is around and I just don't want to unsettle his little life.

I actually believe in the power of polygraphs to elicit confessions more than I believe in the accuracy of the tests.

Agreed.

That's why I asked WH to take one this Friday.

t/j

The short answer...they didn't really heal.

I feel this is a generalized statement and rather dismissive of all of us who have reconciled and healed our marriages without having to resort to polygraphs. I do understand your points of the old "men's world", though, Rips. end t/j

I'm really scared

Understandable but please remember you are the strong one in this relationship. Not him.

A polygraph is not 100% accurate, but it's a whole lot closer to accurate than the "word" if a known liar and cheater.

Personally, if a BS feels a polygraph is necessary, the WS should suck it up and do it. Refusing to take a requested polygraph would absolutely be reasonable grounds for divorce IMO. Of course, the affair alone is reasonable grounds IMO. So for the WS to continue shitting on the BS by refusing a polygraph... Tells me all I would need to know. It's not JUST about the actual results. The lack of willingness to take it is a huge problem.

...all of us who have reconciled and healed our marriages without having to resort to polygraphs.

Perhaps it would be less judgmental and offensive if you were to write, "....without [/italic]choosing[/italic]" (or perhaps "needing") "to use polygraphy."

That you received what you required speaks to precisely ONE case of infidelity: your own. It's terrific polygraphy was not required for you. You're one woman. Is it necessary to make those for whom it is feel worse about it?

I think there is a sense of justice in the WS having to "shit a brick" to pull their weight in healing the marriage..And I am talking about the remorseful ones..Post Nups..Polys...You name it..

We BS put up with our fair share of pain and sugar coating shit sandwiches to keep marriage and family afloat..

And I don't blame those like me, who don't want the WS back badly enough to bother with healing the marriage..We just work towards healing ourselves...

At 2.5 years out from dday, the polygraph..and his passing it..was the only thing that saved my marriage. I don't regret it for a second.

I understand the reasoning behind saying if you have to resort to a polygraph, your marriage is over.

However, many people would say if your husband cheats..your marriage is over.

Or, if you have to "snoop" your marriage is over.

Also, if you have no trust, you have no marriage.

And many of us can say none of that is true.

I didn't feel very happy about requiring a polygraph. But I wasn't happy about any of it.

And now, 5 years past dday, and because of something odd a few months ago, he will be taking another polygraph is a few weeks.

I did my research, and I am confident in my administrator.

If he passes...we continue forward..happily R'd. If he fails...my ducks are lined up..and I'm done.

If your WH is refusing...it's because he is hiding something. Interesting how they don't trust the test because things *can* go wrong...yet they expect us to trust them..a known liar.

Nope on that.

GAH!!

All day long..double posts. WTH?

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:37 PM, February 3rd (Wednesday)]

In this day and age many people live decades longer than their ancestors, even their parents-grandparents..

Our needs as a culture have changed.Because of the choices of people before us, it is harder to keep a household afloat without two incomes..By God, women better have the same rights as men if they are putting in the same hours and labor as men..

Gahhhh..Living much longer is incentive to either heal one's marriage or eventually get out of it..Not live the remaining decades of life in a marriage that not loving and fulfilling for BOTH partners..

Fulfilling has different definition depending on who one talks to, but both partners have to be honest about being on the same page and team with their goals, wishes for the marriage..