SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been lurking on this site for 2 months now, and I have finally worked up the courage to post my story and maybe get some advise. I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years (together for 12 years). We had a happy marriage by any standards, which makes what I've done even harder to digest.

Last year in March 2015, I started a PA with a mutual friend of ours. Since Jan 2015, the OM and his wife had become a core part of our social group and we used to get together atleast once every week, if not more. In the 9 months the affair lasted, I had sex with the OM a total of 6 times and it was always in very risky situations with the chance of OBS or BS walking in on us.

It all ended in November 2015, when were were caught by BS, who then informed the OBS. To say my world was ripped apart would be an understatement. My BS was utterly devastated at the betrayal from someone he trusted so deeply. I finally saw myself for what I was (a lying, cheating, deceitful scum) , as I had earlier been able to push the thought of consequences away.

So here I am almost 3 months out, completely shattered at seeing the consequences of my actions. I hate myself for what I have done to my marriage, to my BS, who loved me with all his heart. He is so lost and hurt. The once happy soul is bitter and angry and has lost faith in everything good in the world. He says he will never be able to trust anyone again and wants to become a liar like me in order to protect himself from future suffering. Its devastating to see him like this, and to know I have noone to blame but myself.

After being caught, I TTed for a months and finally came out with the entire chain of events with all the details in December 2015. What led me to come clean was the realisation that if there was to be any hope for a future, it could not be built on lies. For him, more than the sex itself, it is the lie and the deceit that hurts. I know I have killed my marriage, and killed the man that my husband used to me. And I don't know if there is anything I can ever do to fix it. Sometimes the shame and guilt is so overwhelming that I feel it consuming all my thoughts. Its led me to contemplate suicide a few times but I know that's a cowards way out.

Here are the positive steps that i have taken till now:

- Started IC to figure out my why so that I can ensure it doesn't happen in the future.

- Read books like How to Help your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, Not Just Friends, and After the Affair

- Established NC

- Transparency - All passwords are with BS and he can check whatsapp/email etc anytime

- Willingness to talk about the A whenever BS wants to without getting defensive

My BS is not sure if he wants to reconcile because he says he can never trust or love me again. And I don't blame him. i am trying to work on myself and show his that he is at the forefront of my mind. I am hoping that maybe my actions and seeing the work that I am doing can convince him that I deserve a chance. Hope is the only thing keeping me going now.

Welcome Mrs. Red Baron,

I remember reading your husband's first post over in the JFO forum and his devastation. You'll receive plenty of positive feedback and much needed 2x4's over here.

Good luck to you and your husband.

it might be a good idea to put a stop sign on this thread.

just a thought.

I remember reading your husband's first post over in the JFO forum and his devastation. You'll receive plenty of positive feedback and much needed 2x4's over here.

Sorry for sounding dense but whats a 2x4?

Sorry for sounding dense but whats a 2x4?

It's SI slang for a sharply worded or forceful challenge to your thinking or perspective.

It comes from the workman's slang "being hit with a 2x4," meaning a substantial stick of construction lumber.

A 2x4 is a metaphor for a reality check -- like getting smacked in the face with a 2x4 piece of wood.

BH here and I agree with nomilesleft. I'd add the stop sign for your first post. You're new I think feedback just from WS would be better, make this a safer place for your just starting out on SI (especially since your BS is here and his story is posted as well).

Having said that the biggest question you need to answer for you and your BH is why?

If you haven't done so already you need to write out a detailed timeline. Every detail of the A otherwise your BH's imagination will fill in the blanks and believe me the imagination tells 10 different types of the worst version.

Thanks Owl and Sancho for the explanation.

Brandon, I have already provided a detailed timeline to my BS. And I am working on the why in my IC.

No Stop sign, so here goes. I remember commenting on RedBaron's story and I remember it was one of the stories that elicited the most passion. I was personally shocked that you had conducted your sexual encounter out in public when your spouse, the OM's spouse, could catch you. I remember being shocked in the manner Red Baron discovered affair; he walked out of the camping site the two of you shared to find you having sex in front of it. We thank God the shock of such discovery did not affect him physically as I can just imagine the pain and devastation. I remember suggesting that you had a deep hatred and anger towards him and perhaps you had taken him for granted and did not believe he would ever leave you. I am asking if you have any answers as to why you engaged not only in a sexual affair with his best friend but why you chose to engage in the act when you can be caught. I believe if you can answer this question, you may be able to understand the motivations for your actions.

Red Baron sounds like a good man and his posts were pain-filled. I believe you are accurate in labeling your post "I am a killer". Your actions seem to have been aimed at his spirit, degrading him in the most insidious way.

Have you considered why you would want to annihilate him in such a fashion? these are answers that you will need to go forward, regardless if you reconcile or he decides to move on.

Let me say, it is a real opportunity to learn from you, so I hope you will stay and post. I am also wondering if you would write about the OM and his spouse? What happened after your affair was discovered? Did he stick by your side? The reason I ask is it would enlighten us on the supposed "affair fog".

Good luck and I hope you continue to post. You will not get sympathy but you will get answers.

[This message edited by Biggestmistake at 10:02 AM, February 16th (Tuesday)]

MrsRB,

Your mindset, as stated in your original post, sounds encouraging for your healing. You'll want to eventually get to a point of self-forgiveness, since shame and guilt will be counter-productive.

Best of luck!

MrsRB,

No stop sign and BH here...

First, I applaud your courage in coming here and looking for advice and guidance as you work in yourself.

I think Biggestmistake is correct. Many people unfortunately have affairs or one night stands. They betray their spouse and themselves in the process. However, it is not so common for people to commit their infidelity in such a way where there was a likely chance of the BS finding out or catching them. So...why? Did you want to get caught? Was this one big Fuck You to RedBaron?

Whatever the answer, please, please be honest with him when you figure that out. No matter the cost. Do not lie. A marriage cannot survive after an affair without complete honesty. He deserves the truth. So if you wanted to get caught, understand what was driving it. We're you looking to stop and hoping your husband would fight for you? Or was there a deep seated hatred and you wanted him to see what you were doing? Either way, it was in his face, meaning somewhere, you knew the pain it would cause him. And it wasn't enough to stop you. And not even enough to be discreet. Why?

These are such difficult questions. But you not he will be able to heal without honest answers. And only then could you determine if reconciliation is right for you both.

Again, good for you for posting here. You will find support, advice, and lots of tough love. From what I've seen, the Waywards here are sometimes tougher on themselves and other Waywards than BH's are. IMO, that's a good thing. But brace yourself. And stick it out. Tough as it might be. Because the goal is not your marriage, but you and RedBaron. Both of you need to heal. This is a good step on your part. Now take advantage of it.

That was a tough JFO story to read. There are still so many details that you aren't sharing even here. Hard to advise without the back story.

Thank you for your reply BiggestMistake. Yes TheRedBaron is a a good man, and I have hurt him immensely with my actions.

You talk about me wanting to annihilate him and that my actions stem from hatred towards him. That is not how I feel at all. It pains me to say this, but I wasn't even thinking about my BS while I was going behind his back. It was all about me, and what I was getting from the affair. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it was not an intentional act against my BS. The thought of consequences was far from my mind. Had I given it some serious thought, I probably would have stopped before being caught. I know I need to dig deeper into the why of it and that is something that i am doing in my IC. I do truly care for my BS, and knowing that I have caused him so much pain is soul crushing.

You talked about the affair fog. Well for me, it lifted as soon as I was confronted by my BS. The OM meant nothing to me, not even as a friend sadly. Afterwards, I have never thought about him fondly or wanted to talk/meet him. Giving him up has been one of the easiest parts of this whole ugly mess. And that makes me feel even worse. Why was I willing to risk everything for something that meant so little?

I'm really not looking for sympathy, but maybe some understanding from those who have had a lot more experience and wisdom than me.

Another thing I wanted to clarify is that the OM was not my BS's best friend, but a mutual good friend.

The thing is MrsRB, Walloped said it best. When most people engage in an affair, they do so in a way that won't get them caught. The point you seem to be ignoring is the fact that you essentially threw your affair in your husband's face. Your words say one thing, but your actions tell a completely different story. If I was in your husband's shoes, I would draw the conclusions Walloped mentioned, which were you either wanted to get caught or your were saying fuck you to RB and the marriage. I also agree with Biggestmistake, its a miracle your husband is still standing right now. I don't know many people that physically saw their partners have sex with someone else, but the few I know aren't doing well at all. Please tell me he's in IC.

I'm not going to lie to you, as your husband was told, physically seeing your spouse have sex with someone else is very hard to come back from and ends most marriages before R even begins. You have a lot of work to do (I mean years of work) in order to repair this relationship. I think you are taking a good first step, but you are first going to have to be honest with yourself. I think there is more going on here. On the surface, I don't think you wanted to get caught, but deep down your actions say otherwise. You're going to have to get to the bottom of that. Good luck on your journey.

You talk about me wanting to annihilate him and that my actions stem from hatred towards him. That is not how I feel at all. It pains me to say this, but I wasn't even thinking about my BS while I was going behind his back.

From the BS perspective this is immediately how it will feel so you need to be prepared for that to come up again and again.

Also, when you say you weren't thinking about the BS that isn't 100% accurate. While it was a very high risk way of conducting the A it was still attempted to be done so as not to be caught.

This brings up the point about the manner your A was conducted. It was very, very high risk of getting caught. Not just getting caught but getting caught in the act by your BH. The go-to question is this...what was the payoff? If it was the risk (i.e. thrill of potentially getting caught) then your BS was on your mind. From what you've posted you weren't infatuated or obsessed with the OM. Were you? Was whatever you felt so compelling that it overrode any concern of getting caught?

Every WS who is remorseful/regretful or seeking the same must ask why they had the A. In your case you also need to ask why did I have the A that way?

You talk about me wanting to annihilate him and that my actions stem from hatred towards him. That is not how I feel at all. It pains me to say this, but I wasn't even thinking about my BS while I was going behind his back. It was all about me, and what I was getting from the affair. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but it was not an intentional act against my BS. The thought of consequences was far from my mind.

I was actually going to chime in and say that most often the affair has nothing to do with the BS. It is all about the selfish needs of the WS. I feel that most WS's do not hate their BS's and want to annihilate them. I don't find MrsRB's affair actions any more shocking than most other affairs. Many affairs include much risk taking. I feel that is part of being in FantasyLand. There was a member here who had a WS who had sex with the AP on the picnic table at their campsite.

There was/is a member here named "I_Do_Exist". It always broke my heart a little to read her name as it was so plaintive. I didn't EXIST whilst my FWH had his affair. In their little world, there were no BS's, only them and their selfish and wanton needs. But, we do exist, us BS's. My FWH had not one thought to really how devastating his affair would be to me, how soul crushing it would be to be treated as though I didn't exist, didn't matter. So, yes, MrsRB, I do believe you that this had nothing to do with hating your BH and wanting to annihilate him.

Keep posting. The FWS's here are wise and have much you can learn from. You have the right attitude and that is such a great starting place. Wishing you and RedBaron the best of luck on this journey.

Mrs.RedBaron, thank you for the clarifications. I believe you when you say you were not thinking about RedBaron during the encounters. In some way, I am beginning to see that perhaps you did not engage so much in an affair with the emotional attachment which complicates everything; it seems more likely that there was a sexual thrill factor in your actions and clearly you need to work on boundaries.

Without the complication of feelings for the OM, I think there is always the chance for progress. It's hard to know your spouse is in love with someone else; in the very least, you and RedBaron do not have to confront this. Now I am a woman, so the emotional component of an affair cuts deep; men are different. It seems the sexual act is what bothers them the most.

I am going to push you further: what did you mean when you say you didn't think of RedBaron. Did you mean you thought of him but you rationalized your choices? what did you say to yourself IN THE MOMENT that made you cross that bridge.

Thank you for sharing.

Unfortunately, I have no advice... but am in a very similar situation (with the exception of getting caught in a physical encounter by H). I'm going through the same range of emotions, and like you, the worst part is I can't even come up with a reasonable answer as to WHY I would do something like this. I understand the pain of seeing your H in the face of betrayal, the self-hatred, guilt, suicidal thoughts, and devastation of knowing what you've put him through. It's a painful reality.

I'll be following any advice you receive, since my affair closely resembles yours. And I wish you the best of luck with everything, sincerely.

I haven't read your BH's side of the story. The only information I have is from this thread. That said, it sounds like there is a lot that the two of will need to work through. You have your A itself, the double betrayal (it doesn't matter that he wasn't your BH's BFF, he was still a friend), and some shocking and hurtful behavior that was "in his face". You will not have an easy tow to hoe. Infidelity is hard enough, but the more factors you add in, the more challenging it can be to recover from. I know this because I have been in similar shoes.

One of the biggest mistakes I made early on was trying to determine what my BH shoukd know and what he didn't need to. I would hold back information telling myself that I didn't want to keep hurting him. Realistically, I was only trying to protect myself. I felt that with each new thing he found out about my A was going to be the final straw. What turned out to be the final straw was all of my lying. I know you said that you have written a timeline, however if there is anything that you have omitted I recommend you come clean with it now. You will be surprised at what a great investigator your BH can become. Eventually the truth comes out. It's best if it comes from you, without him having to draw it out of you, beg, or plead.

You will really need to dig deep and figure out how and why you let this happen. It's not an easy answer. It starts in one place and can evolve into another. You will need to go over your actions with a fine tooth comb, analyzing your behavior. You will need to be able to explore the ugliness without falling into a shame cycle. You will need to be able to listen to your BH's pain without getting defensive. It's exhausting and time consuming, but it can be done, with or without reconciliation on the table.

Like many have said, there are reasons you acted out in the manner you did. There are reasons you were reckless. Start at the beginning. What did you tell yourself when you chose to cross that line? How did you justify it? Then keep asking yourself why to each answer you give. You might have some answers that look like blame shifting early on. The more you ask why, the more you can turn what was happening inwards.

You are going to need to learn to open up and get vulnerable. The only way this can work is if you strip it all down to the bare bones and build back up again.

Keep posting and reading. Specific questions will come along. Welcome to SI.

but I wasn't even thinking about my BS while I was going behind his back. It was all about me, and what I was getting from the affair.

I am assuming since you have been lurking for a few months before posting, that you know this is Affair Fog type stuff. Granted, the manner in which you conducted your affair is extreme, the mannerisms and feelings are all still the same: it's about the rush, the charge. You're a junkie, plain and simple.

You are getting strong reactions here, but there is an opportunity for you to post, going forward, with a Stop Sign. Any Moderator can do this for you after the fact, but it can also be done at your first post. You simply select this as an option. When a stop sign is present, only WS or MH (MadHatter...this is me) can post.

Like you, my FWH cheated in plain sight with a former BFF. The back story of you and RB, with this couple, is almost identical to ours. Our children played together, they were referred to as Aunt and Uncle, blah, blah. I did eventually catch them cheating, but only after 3 years. I walked in on some compromising situations, thought I overheard inappropriate comments from time to time...but your mind just doesn't compute them. At least mine didn't. I felt a lot like RB, invincible, the marriage and friendship to emulate. The final straw was a conversation that FWH had (after driving home from a sporting event in separate cars) with OW where he told her twice he loved her. He thought I was sleeping. I was not. All hell broke loose.

With full disclaimer, it's important to note that I went on to a Revenge Affair. I'm not saying that is possible in your situation, but it's part of our story.

There is hope. We are still together and will celebrate our 20th Anniversary this year. I don't think our M is 'affair proof', but I am thankful for that. We seem to be struggling a bit recently, but it's all normal stuff. Mainly, I'm having a straight-up mid-life crisis and he is trying to weather the storm.

I imagine back then that I was devestated that I was so inconsequential to FWH, that he could cheat in plain sight....but after all these years, it is a comfort, tbh. That the affair wasn't about OW and how much more awesome than me she was (I'm fabulous btw ) but really about his insecurities, his serious intimacy issues, FOO's stuff...I likened his problems to a never-end McDonald's Drive Through of Drama.

What you have to do, is try to hold on tight to RB. Work really freaking hard to have your actions match your words. Continue going to IC. Write letters, journal, keep posting here.

Hang in there.