MrsRB
Everything we do, big or small, positive or negative, stems from a certain mindset we develop for ourselves. Whether we do or do not do is a part of this mindset and both have intentions behind them. If we do or decide to avoid and not doing something there is an intention behind this! Think about it. When we become an attorney, a physician, a business man, whatever, it started all in our mind first. It may go so far as to our childhood. We are asked what we want to be and could state this. Then as we grow we go to school and learn. Later on we need to go to college or university. Some have money so it's easier and some not and have to think what to do. Everyone first plans this in his mind. At the end come actions and we become what we want. We do this with such noble aims as above but also with the not noble ones. This is so because it's simply how our brain, call it the mind or psyche, are functioning.
The affair doesn't happen differently. There has to be a certain mindset in which the affair can be completed through actions. Sometimes through FOO issues it may go back to childhood but often it starts later. However, it is important to examine the thinking and the self-talk, what professionals call mindset (our thinking) and narrative (the self-talk) that created the mental environment in which the affair could be developed and later brought to completion in the external world. As you see it is true that in this aspect it has nothing to do with your husband and I believe you pointed to this but on the other side because your husband is your partner and a part of your life he's also inevitably a part of the story in your mind and it's about him too in the real and actual life. While all this drama plays in your head, whether you want it or not, whether you do it or not, there are intentions and thus they do include and affect your husband. The point of my questions was
1.To give you a direction and help you focus to examine those aspects
2.To give you an example of how to do this (ask those questions)
3.To help you understand how difficult it is
4.Because your husband considers reconciling with you, I put my opinions and what I might have done aside and try to help you. I'm not projecting my situation and do not ask those questions to accuse, to blame you or make you feel worse or bad about yourself
5.While my wife even did not come close to what you did, she's done and still doing an extremely astonishing work on herself. She's digging very deep inside, much deeper than the mindset I mentioned above. Three years after and she's still digging into her unconscious with special therapy to eliminate any possibility for something like that to occur again. Now, you may understand why I'm urging you to do the same because ultimately this is what will enable your husband to feel safe again and be vulnerable one day. It's not a projection but simply my experience.
6.My goal was not to be rough with you, I distance myself from everyone who has such goal and motivations, and now as you understand the context I hope you don't think my aim is to get at you. I'm not but if you think and I mentioned this above we can stop the discussion if it is uncomfortable for you.
So, as we have cleared this, let's look at another aspect you mentioned namely the flirting. First of all, again a few questions:
1.Are you a flirty person? Remember it's not a bad thing as long as there are boundaries and you do this either as a single person or only with your husband if you are married (And yes it is possible to do this in a marriage with your spouse, it's healthy and you should do this with him - which by the way could be one of the antidotes to the problem of validation or the need for newness)
2.Have you flirted with other guys as well while you were married (even if not having a EA/PA with them)
Now, if you haven't flirted with any guy, then how comes that in the context of your affair you did not only had an "in the face affair" but also an "in the face flirt" while your husband had to see it (or not). Ask yourself also why did you do and what was the intention to do so if there was no love for the other man and the sex was not really that something great (in a hurry and no more than 10 minutes) thus when lacking those two aspects it just couldn't be about the newness of the sex and the other man. In this context ask what was so thrilling and exciting about it if it was not the sex, the other man and the newness. I do believe you there was excitement, thrill and validation, I don't think you are lying about it. I'm quite sure the validation, the excitement and the thrill was about something different, I conclude it from your own description, rather than the sex, the other man and the newness. I urge you to explore this aspect because in my opinion it is paramount to the understanding of what made you tick as in regard to this affair. It also shows that when performed in this way, your husband by definition was there on your mind and it was about him
Now, let's take the other option. You flirted not only in this case but with other men too although having no EA/PA with them and not in your husband's face. As with the affair itself, it means you hide them both from your husband. When you hide something from your partner it means you know it's wrong, you try to hide it from him/her and thus again your partner is on your mind. It is not exactly correct that it's not an intentional act against the partner. Again, whether you do or chose to ignore or disregard something there is an intention behind it. So, if there was no consideration for your husband because you disregarded him and ignored the results, then ask again why? What was your intention of doing so (remember that in this case when one hides something one does know it is wrong and thus the hiding again by definition has an intention)? As you see, the affair you had and thus the damaged caused to RB is tightly connected in what was going first in your head. In my post above I mentioned only a few of the cornerstones that contributed to such of a mindset. You can't disconnect the affair from this. As I mentioned above you have to dig deep inside yourself to understand this. The way one does it is by being mindful of the self-talk (narrative) that runs in our head while on the other side you challenge every bit of your thinking (mindset).
This self-talk can be about fears, judgment, excuses, justifications, frustrations, validation, hope, desires, wishes, yearnings of the soul and many more, whatever the cornerstones are that are building and constituting your internal world. Some of this self-talk goes under the radar of our awareness or mindfulness, that's the unconscious you want to explore, and some we are mindful of it, while this is what you need to challenge. The same goes with the mindset and our thoughts. It is there that you will find your answers and will be able to weed out any possibility to do this again. This work is hard but you seem genuine and having the determination to do it. I know it's not easy, but you seem also to have the courage to do this and if you find enough patience, resilience and determination to do it this is possible. Of course, I didn't mention all the things you should do. It is the tip of the iceberg. Again, we can discuss it more in depth but it is your forum so it must be your initiative to ask for this. I only ask you to do so because first I feel for your husband and if he wants to stay I will offer this support. This is my first concern and I am honest with that. However, I do want to help you too, because you seem genuine in your efforts to change. I just want to show you how things are and that it is a very difficult path. I want to give you the direction that I think is important. It is you that will have to go the path on your own. We can offer direction, but ultimately only you can do the work. I really wish you well and to be happy one day again.
[This message edited by MrSpock at 4:13 AM, February 20th (Saturday)]
