SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Answering some questions-

I am not 100% against staying with her if the kid is not mine, but we would need to get divorced before the baby is born (not sure how that works legally) and then maybe remarry one day. I see this as an extreme longshot with little chance of long term success.

I'd also be fine with her giving the baby up for adoption, but she would never do that.

I know everything I need to know about the affair. She answered all my questions. He is someone that works at the same company but in a different department. We've actually had beers together before at a baseball game where I met his 3 year old girl and her mom, his girlfriend. They broke up in October. She will get another job asap and cut off all contact with him if the baby is mine.

I will get a lawyer if the baby is not mine. It doesn't seem like there will be any other options at that point because she refuses to have an abortion.

My 3 year old is definitely mine, there is 0 doubt about that.

I am trying to take care of myself but it is hard. I am hiking on the weekends but the main problem is appetite and sleep. I went to a psychiatrist today and she prescribed me vestiral I think. Also a heavier anti anxiety med for when I find out the paternity. No ADs just yet.

I don't believe she was with the OM the night she came home drunk. The texts didn't indicate it either and she was texting me throughout the night.

I think she is planning to rent an apartment nearby if the kid is not mine. We would share custody of our boy. She said she wants nothing in the divorce other than a little cash and furnishings for the apartment.

Thanks again. I will try to answer more later.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 9:56 PM, March 31st (Thursday)]

I hear ya about the appetite and sleep..try soups and protein shakes. Lots of bottled water helped too. Sleep? lol I think I got about 12 hours total in the first 3 weeks after DDay.What helped me there was meditation recordings. like nature sounds..wind blowing through leaves,water trickling over rocks ,stuff like that, real relaxing. My cats helped too.If you are close to your pets, they can tell something ain't right. the first week, both of the little fuzzballs were all over me with their purring. Hang in there,bud You will survive and thrive.

It seems to me that she's thunk this through a lot - that she wants to leave and what she wants. That's a little concerning. It feels like this was an exit affair that went a little to far.

(google "exit affair" for details)

You really should be seeing a lawyer immediately.

You really should be seeing a lawyer immediately.

Seconded. Even if it's just to establish your non-paternity of the child involved so you can protect yourself and your own child from the legal and financial ramifications of playing "daddy" to the cuckoo's egg.

I strongly urge you to take a very good look at your situation. Your WW is not remorseful, she has regret that she got caught. She has already made another selfish decision as to the birth of this child. She has strong beliefs about abortion and adoption but those same beliefs don't apply to adultery, having unprotected sex and conceiving a child with a man who is not her husband. She has told you what she is going to do if the child is not yours. She is going to take the kid and run away from the very same shitty situation she herself has created. Brother, the paternity of this child is the least of your worries. I suggest you do some serious thinking, soul searching and define exactly why your WW is so damn entitled.

Don't know if I understand everything correctly. She was only dating OM for three/four weeks prior to finding out she is pg? Sounds like she is saying she got pg the first time they had sex? Also, the asking for a divorce after not being with him makes me think she knew about the pg at that time...and got drunk uncharacteristically because she realized the trouble she was in?

If she didn't know she was pg at that time and still asked for a divorce I'd wonder if there were other A/guys. Who was she out with?

I know you have a lot on your plate but her story makes me question if she has had other affairs or knew about the pregnancy...and the timing lead her to believe it was OM...so she wanted a divorce and got drunk.

Would she be up for a polygraph test?

First and foremost I am very sorry to hear you are going through this.

All I can tell you is take one day at a time.

One thing though however I feel compelled to address is this:

She said she wants nothing in the divorce other than a little cash and furnishings for the apartment.

If you believe this I have a bridge to sell you.

Do not acknowledge this or tell her what you are going to do if the child is yours or if the child is not yours.

Consult an Attorney, an aggressive one that is specialized in family law, just to know your options, and your rights. So you have an idea what to prepare for if you need to. You don't have to make any decision, just take your time and be well informed of what your options truly are.

DO NOT TELL WW any of this, if she asks, just tell her that you want to think about things, and you will not even start to process anything until paternity has been established.

I say this because your WW is not remorseful, and very entitled (I agree with a previous poster) and I can almost bet you she is already planning "what if" scenarios.

Get the lawyer now, if the baby is not yours, you can text him to file, from where you get the results.

It is a process that takes alot longer than most people think.

I believe when you go to the initial consult (just for information)

You will need to take you, hers, and your kids SS# maybe some tax returns from the last 3 years.

Not sure...depends, all I am saying is stay very much informed what your options are.

It is very dis concerning that she already has a plan in place to leave "if" the baby is not yours.

Alot of devastated remorseful WW that have gone through this will desperately want the child to be their BS to the point that even if they know its not possible will convince themselves that it is because it "has to be."

I implore you to do it sooner rather than later.

Mark6

You have all the time in the world o make an long term decisions.

But be on the cautious side.

Go speak to an attorney to understand your rights. Do not tell your wife.

Make a plan A and a Plan B.

The kids is yours is Plan A. The kid is not yours is Plan B.

Because I think your problems with your wayward wife are only beginning.

Because a mature woman that has trouble communicating with her husband does not go out, get drunk and have an affair that ends up with a pregnancy........

And your wife should not have had to say the "divorce" word to get your attention. Nor should she have ad an affair.

That shows she has much deeper issues that are not yours.

Accident aside my friend your wife is full of cr@p.

Realize it now and deal with it sooner rather than later.

HM

She told me she saw him a few times over a few weeks in January. According to her, those times do not coincide with when she would have been ovulating and she claims they used condoms. For those reasons, and the fact that we did have unprotected sex during the time she should have been ovulating, she is pretty certain the baby is mine. She said there is probably only the tiniest chance it is his.

Maybe I am naive, but I do believe she thinks this. I am obviously having some trust issues though so it is hard for me to 100% believe that.

It seems like she really wants the baby to be ours and to attempt to reconcile. I do believe her when she says this, she has said it many times. The odds of R if the baby is not ours are slim to none, we both realize that. It's hard for me to fault her for planning to leave if the baby is his. She thinks I could never love that baby, and maybe she is right.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 1:17 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

Mark - I'm sorry you are going through such a painful experience. I'm sorry your wife did this.

In the nearly year-long shit storm since my D-day, I have learned a lot. One of the things that really surprised me is stories of couples where the wife got pregnant by another man, they stayed together, and then raised the child together. I just wouldn't have guessed that ever happened, but it does.

I know you will find the solution that is best for you. You said that at this point reconciliation in the case the child is not yours is not possible. I surely understand that. But I did want to let you know that others have chosen the other path and, surprisingly, have made it work. One of the stories is in the "Wayward" forum on this site and I can send you a video of one of the stories if you are interested.

Strength to you.

What are you planning during the two weeks it takes to determine paternity? Right now you are still in a very emotionally vulnerable place and are in no condition to make any decision regarding reconciliation. The full weight of her betrayal is yet to fall on you and you really can't assess the damage done to your marriage. While you wait for the results your WW will be manipulating you hard so be aware of this. She won't see it as manipulation but she might throw a lot of sex at you and do other things to make you feel like this will be all better - as long as you just forgive her and leave it in the past.

I hope you see a lawyer and start to understand the legal entanglements this pregnancy brings with it.

it seems like she really wants the baby to be ours and to attempt to reconcile. I do believe her when she says this, she has said it many times.

Sure. She wants the baby to be yours so that it would be an anchor baby to cause you to want to R.

The odds of R if the baby is not ours are slim to none, we both realize that.

Please think about this question the other way:

Why do the odds of R (you forgiving her) go way up if she is pregnant with your kid?

It's hard for me to fault her for planning to leave if the baby is his.

What about her other child? She's going to abandon that one?

She thinks I could never love that baby, and maybe she is right.

And she's probably right.

I had a dog that was my WW's 1st AP's. We got him because that POS abandoned the dog, we took it in and DD fell in love with it. Then I found out he was an AP. Not a day goes by that I don't look at that dog and think about that shit storm; and he's the sweetest dog I've ever owned. Love that dog.

You think a kid would be easier?

We continue to live together although we have been sleeping in separate bedrooms since dday. While we have made some good progress, neither of us wants to be intimate right now with the paternity issue hanging over our heads and it's probably not a good idea regardless. We've mostly just been doing lots of talking and hugging.

I know this probably isn't healthy, but I still love her and care a lot about her despite how she tried to destroy our family. She has been nothing but remorseful and regretful and is committed to working on herself and our marriage, at least until we found out the baby is not mine, if that happens.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 3:26 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday)]

It seems like she really wants the baby to be ours and to attempt to reconcile. I do believe her when she says this, she has said it many times.

Mark6

I believe her too. She doesn't want to be a single mom.

While we have made some good progress, neither of us wants to be intimate right now with the paternity issue hanging over our heads and it's probably not a good idea regardless.

Mark6

I wouldn't want you have sex with a woman that had another man's kid inside of her. If it's your kid it makes the sex special.

You know how far along she is from what a doctor has told you not from your wife's word right?

Why did she say she wanted a divorce and was uncharacteristically drunk if she didn't even know about the baby?

What does the OM know? How involved is he with your wife right now during her pregnancy?

Becareful, so many people have posted on here with "she is sure the baby is mine" ...when it was never really an option but a way to manipulate the BS so that it became that much harder to leave.

They have a forum on here under I can Relate called OC (other child). I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I know that a lot of posts on here sound harsh but its because we have been through infidelity. You rewrote your first post and the revisions are much less harsh on her. You forgave her for the Affair very quickly and are quickly believing and forgiving her for the pregnancy.

I doesn't sound like you want to see a lawyer until after you find out if the baby is yours but...you are going to MC. The problem with marriage counseling right out of the gate is that they focus on your problems as a couple rather than what made her cheat. I see lot's of ... I wasn't open enough, she didn't feel she could speak with me...The job of the MC is to bring you back together as a couple... it's not to question how she though having sex with some man was a good way to fix her problems with you.

You keep saying her remorse is real. I have no doubt that she is remorseful for being pregnant and married and not knowing who the father is. Because of the pregnancy it's hard to know what she is remorseful for.

The gist of this post is that I think you are moving forward too quickly on R without knowing all of the fact or just believing the facts that she is telling you.

[This message edited by Freeme at 5:48 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

I will reiterate my advice that you seek an attorney's input immediately as concerns the paternity issue.

To borrow a phrase from "Office Space," "...watch out for your cornhole, bud."

Consult a lawyer now. Right away. Before you get the results. While you are there ask him about divorce in general. Know your options.

Try to resist the codependent desire to rugsweep her affiar. The affiar has to be delt with no matter who's kid it is. Just because she was lucky enough to not get knocked up by the OM does not mean R is a go.

Why do you believe her?

Why did she want to divorce you just 17 days ago?

Has she told the OM that she is pregnant that you know of?