SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She told me

According to her

she claims

she is pretty certain

She said

Maybe I am naive

I do believe

I am obviously having some trust issues

hard for me to 100% believe that.

It seems like

I do believe her

she has said it many times

It's hard for me to fault her for planning to leave if the baby is his.

She thinks I could never love that baby, and maybe she is right.

You just have words floating in the air.

She may or may not be lying.

What would be her motivation to tell the truth?

What would be her motivation to lie?

Try to avoid unproven allegations.

Get the paternity test.

Mark

I'm sorry that your wife has brought such pain and turmoil into your life. It's something no one should have to experience but I'm glad you've found this site. Please listen to the hard earned knowledge that other members are giving you. It may sound harsh and you may be thinking to yourself "they don't know my wife". You're right we don't but neither do you anymore. That's the bitch of it. Everything has been turned upside down and it is going to take you a lot of time to regain you bearings. As someone who has been down this road I'd like to offer some thoughts based on my own mistakes.

1. You can't fix this. I's too big and complex to just go to a couple of MC sessions and be done. You'll make it through and come out on the other side but it will be long arduous journey.

2. Trust NOTHING your WW says at this point! Verify everything and expect stories and trajectory to change on a dime.

3. Consult a lawyer immediately and start protecting yourself (see suggestion #2). Don't wait, don't wait, don't wait!

4. You will need a pre and post-natal paternity test. Prenatal generally are not admissible in court. From my experience they are reliable but the science is not always accepted by courts.

5. Get yourself into IC as soon as possible. You are in shock now but every emotion conceivable will be experienced during the next 9 months (and after).

6. Read about the 180 in the Healing Library. Give yourself time to process and think clearly.

7. Don't try to Fix things now (see #6). This going to be a long drawn out situation.

8. Keep talking and posting. You aren't alone. Everyone here has been through it and the guidance will help prevent further emotional, physical, and financial loss.

I know it seems unbearable now but it does get better. Slowly but surely.

Wishing you peace

isitme24

Why don't you get your wife to take a Prenatal DNA Test? They're safe and can be performed as early as 10-12 weeks.

It would certainly help clear things up for you well in advance of the birth.

Just Google DNA Diagnostics.

[This message edited by Catfish1986 at 7:08 AM, February 24th (Wednesday)]

Why don't you get your wife to take a Prenatal DNA Test?

She is (from the OP):

We are paying a lot of money to do prenatal paternity testing.

So we had the prenatal paternity test done on Monday, 2/29, and it should take about a week to get the result. This feels like the longest week of my life, I just can't stop thinking about it.

Everything my wife has told me indicates this should be our baby. We also had an ultrasound that estimated when her last period started and based on her typical cycle, when we were intimate matches up exactly to when she should have been ovulating. Despite all of this, I am still worried the baby is not mine.

On a positive note, my appetite has returned and I am generally sleeping well. I am also exercising and eating healthy. I've lost 25 pounds since January 1st, about half of that was before dday which was 2/6.

Our attempt at R is in a very strange place. She has been doing every single thing I have asked of her and seems incredibly sorry. She says she has great shame, feels disgusting for what she did, and still loves me. She's agreed to NC and will only break that if the baby is not ours. We are in MC, I am in IC, and she has agreed to IC.

So as hurt and angry as I am, I can't help but have strong feelings of love toward her still. I know I probably shouldn't feel this way but I just can't help it due to the way she has responded.

So we go about our daily lives being kind to each other and trying to spend as much time with our 3 year old as possible. We hug, tell each other we love one another, and kiss a bit.

Nothing will likely change much until we get the paternity result. Time feels like it is standing still.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 12:25 AM, March 4th (Friday)]

Good luck brother. I pray you get the result you seek.

Has you WW started IC yet, or she has just agreed to do it further down the line? If not, what's taking her so long? How is the MC going in your opinion? Are you focusing on the A or the M pre A?

jigga114- we are currently trying to set some IC up for her. I know she wants to go. She knows there is something broken in her that she needs to address.

The MC has been going good. We have primarily focused on the marriage before the A and since then. The A itself has hardly been discussed. I think she is going to need the IC for that.

The A itself has hardly been discussed

I had one of those MC's...and gently...I think they are stealing your money if you aren't discussing the A. How can you repair a marriage w/o aggressively addressing the single most destructive (sans abuse) betrayal in it???

I read an article somewhere about how so many MC do not help w/ infidelity recovery because this is how they chose to approach it...by focusing on M problems and not the A. And at the root of it...it's because they have zero training on infidelity and therefor have no "clinical" approach to it. Or they have only this antiquated approach to it learned back in college.

Case & point....my (former) MC had never even heard of any of the books or authors we talk about as "must reads" around here.

Up to you...but I would demand the A gets addressed extensively in MC before any talk of marriage problems or rebuilding.

Her acknowledgement that there is something broken inside of her that needs addressing is a good first step. However, she must follow that up with strong action. Her actions are what count now, not her words, and they will give you a clearer indication of where she stands.

I believe in triage when it comes to counseling. You have a couple of six inch blades stuck in your back right now from her A. Dealing with those should be the primary focus right now. There will be plenty of time in the future to discuss the scrapes and bruises you inflicted on each other prior to the A. I really hope your MC is not one of those who subtly advocate rug sweeping the A by placing portions of the blame on the BS. If that is the case, find a new MC who has experience dealing with infidelity, or better yet in my opinion, stop the MC all together. In my eyes, MC should only be on the table once the WS has truly begun working on their whys, and once the BS is as convinced as they can be under the circumstances that the WS is 100% in and committed to the M.

It could be you're WW is feeling sorry for herself and regret for what she did not remorse for her A.

She found out she was pregnant and knowing that her & the OM were wearing a condom while having sex that the baby was most likely yours. As such she could not expect to move in with the OM while pregnant with your child so she came home and stated that she wanted a D as she was feeling confused & guilty for what shes accomplished and her current sitch. It was at this point you uncovered the A.

Then you two decided to go with an R but basically only if the baby is yours.

You two are waiting on the result, then she will either decide to stay with her H or with the OM who has been satisfying her sexually.

I fail to see any remorse from your wife by her actions just a lot of hesitancy as to which bed she's going to lie in at the end of the day. This is not a mindset of someone who trully wants R & to prove it 24/7 while praying for forgiveness & staying married to the their spouse.

If the child is yours and once its born, how long before she finds another OM or takes up with same one again. How can you ever trust her again? Without trust there is no marriage.

Don't gloss over IC for you. You need it now more than you realize. I have been told many times... "Your first marriage is dead. The wife you knew is dead. Your grieving that loss." I stopped MC for now. We are rediscovering each other slowly and don't know what road it will take. While we have drawn from the before the A "friendship" to fix enough to co exist in the same house right now, I realize we both have a lot of work to do to fix ourselves. We don't have kids. Hope for the best outcome for you. Hang in there.

Mark, how are things going?

Craig-

We did the original paternity test not this past Monday but the Monday before. Unfortunately there was not enough fetal DNA and my wife had to have her blood drawn again this past Monday. We should be getting the results any day and the waiting is making both of us extremely anxious, despite being pretty confident this is our child. I am obviously quite angry that we even have to take this test, that there is even a question.

I spend most of my time hoping the baby is ours and trying to envision a true R, but also some of the time imagining my life without her if it comes to that.

Of course I want to ask her how much the baby has to do with her remorse and love for me, but I am saving that conversation for after the results. Everything she has done indicates she feels horrible about this and the pain she has caused our family, but of course I am still having a bit of a hard time fully believing and trusting her.

I'm also dealing with the feelings of betrayal from the affair and the mind movies and questions. I don't feel like I can fully begin to deal with that until we get the results either which sucks.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 2:57 PM, March 11th (Friday)]

Things are kind of frozen for you right now while waiting to find out if the baby is yours. I would advise you to not indicate to your WW whether you want to try to R or not because, frankly, you have no idea how you are going to react once the results are in. Even if the baby is yours the fact that she was screwing some dude(s) is going to become even more real once this paternity cloud blows away. Maybe you will want to try to R whether the kid is yours or not and maybe you'll want to divorce her either way but the thing is you don't know much about how you truly feel at this time. Be prepared for an emotional jolt after the truth about this is finally revealed.

Hang in there, Mark. I wish, for your sake, that you had been able to have the results by now. (((hugs)))

We were just told the second blood sample also does not have enough fetal DNA. My wife will have to have her blood drawn a 3rd time and we will probably not know the paternity until some time next week, hopefully.

She told me recently she is now considering an abortion if the baby is not ours. She does not want to break our family apart. It would be excruciating for her to do that, if it comes to it, and I worry about her mental health.

This has been such a sad day for us. I feel like I am almost totally tapped out emotionally at this point, the last five weeks have been so completely draining.

Thanks again for all of your support and advice.

The waiting for the results must be very draining for both of you.

Sending you hugs Mark. Hang on in there.

MOB

I am sorry you are going through this. You will have an answer soon.

I had an Amino done at 11 weeks for all three of my boys(not related to Paternity) and we never ran into this problem. I'm guessing that's what you are having done. While the procedure wasn't bad, the waiting and worry that everything was going to be ok was horrible... and that element of risk. As the fetus is getting older you might want to ask the Doctor if there are other tests for determining paternity.

You can't back down on this. My concern is that when you first posted after your first talk with her, it sounded like you were both sure the baby was not hers. Later you changed your post and have been writing that you are sure that the baby is yours.

I wonder how much MC, and hope and Lies (she still might be lying about dates/details) have played a part in how sure you two have become.

Do you believe she really would get an abortion or that she is hoping that you will change your mind about the paternity? Has she been keeping in touch with the OM?

I don't mean to sound so negative, you are going through so much right now.

Mark, no matter what happens, stick to your values and do what you think is right.