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Mark,

I'm so sorry this keeps dragging on. How painful for you.

If you don't mind, I have to say that something really bothers about this. Earlier, your wife refused to have an abortion. Of course she also firmly believe d the baby was yours. Now, she's considering having one in order not face the consequences of her actions. In general, your wife appears to have difficulty upholding her values. First adultery and now abortion (not a comment on abortion, per se, just the fact that prior, her stance was against and now she is considering in favor).

To be frank, the time to be concerned about breaking up her family was before she slept with another man. Doesn't mean she can't be concerned about it now, but to go against a deeply held belief, seems troubling to me.

This is such a shit sandwich Mark. I'm really sorry.

Freeme-

She has been very confident since the beginning that it is our baby- it was me that was less confident simply because I was having a very hard time trusting what she said at first.

But I've gone over details of the affair with her countless times since then, including dates they had sex, were condoms REALLY used etc. and she has been very specific with me and completely forthcoming. I actually wish I didn't know so much.

When we had sex lines up to just a little before when she should have been ovulating and her dates with him are outside that approx. 10 day window. I've spent more time learning about conception recently than I ever have unfortunately.

Despite all this, you just never know. It's hard to imagine living another week like this but we have to.

The OM works at my wife's company but not usually at the same location. She has been waiting for the results to tell her boss she is pregnant and to help her with a job transfer so that she has 0 interaction with him and is closer to home. She told him they are over, that she made a horrible mistake, and not to contact her.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 1:24 PM, March 16th (Wednesday)]

Walloped- She still doesn't want an abortion. She may get one anyway because it may be the best thing for our family, and it will be the hardest thing she ever does if it comes to that. She may have guilt for the rest of her life. The mere possibility has her in shambles. I did tell her that it has to be her choice, she cant do it because it's what I want.

There is no good choice here if the baby isn't ours. And yes, her values have changed since she was having the affair. I think that is a good thing. If she had the same values, she'd already have the divorce papers.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 9:03 AM, March 16th (Wednesday)]

Mark,

Thanks for the quick reply.

I don't mean to knock you over the head here, but I'll just caution that at this stage, it's not her values that have changed. Perhaps it's her actions and her recognizing the consequences she now faces. A change in values and mindset take a great deal of work. I mention this so that you should be able to tell the difference between the two and recognize what you are seeing. A change in her value system, which allowed her to cheat, will take time and effort.

But you are right. She should not do this for you. She will come to resent you for it for the rest of her life. This must be her choice, regardless of what happens to your marriage. It cannot be an "I got an abortion so we now must stay married" kind of thing. She needs to know that if she does go down that path, D is still an option.

So, other than that Mrs Lincoln, how was the play?

Mark, one more thing to consider is whether your W is in a position to be a good mother to anyone. It's not clear that she is. Adding another child to the mix, regardless of who contributed which chromosomes, may not be in the best interest of your 3-year-old son. You haven't said whether you were actively trying to have another child, but if you were, would you have a different opinion, knowing what you know now?

What an awful situation..

I hope it is clear to your wife that no matter what she does there are no guarantees that the two of you will stay married..

Foley-

I realize now that our marriage had some serious issues I wasn't really aware of prior to the A. I realize the A was entirely my wife's fault and she will need IC for that, and maybe it is just wishful thinking, but I honestly believe if we are fully committed to working on those problems, we have a decent chance at R, and of having a better marriage than we had before. I think we can also be better parents than we were before, and we have made a lot of changes the last 5 weeks.

We were trying to have a child and I am still not sure if I would change that knowing what I know now. On Dday, I probably would have felt differently but my wife's actions since then show me she is committed to change and being fully committed to our family. I know it's still very early, but this is how I feel right now.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 1:23 PM, March 16th (Wednesday)]

So sorry you are going through this. I hope what ever happens you find peace and happiness. You deserve it! The fact that you are willing to fight for your marriage dispite the circumstances speaks volumes of your character. Best wishes

We finally got the results of the prenatal paternity test and I am the father. I feel like we can now truly begin to try to R, and i can more fully deal with the ramnifications of the affair. My wife continues to do everything humanly possible to help me begin to heal. I bought a book called Not Just Friends and started reading it and it is helping. My wife said she would read it too.

Thanks again for all the support and advice. I really appreciate it.

Mark, I've been following this thread. I am so happy to hear this. I can imagine the relief you feel. The book you mentioned is a very good one. There are some passages in there that made me think, and made me angry. I had to put the book down and come back to it later. But it helped tremendously. I had some trouble getting my wife to read it, but she is now.

I'm had you finally have answers on that

Another great book is How to help your spouse heal after your affair. I found it very helpful as a bs in validating my feelings as well as showing what a remorseful partner does. My husband found it helpful to realize his head was up his ass

Mark, glad to hear your good news. That said, I'd advise you to require very high standards from your WW. If she wants you to be her loyal husband til death do you part, make sure she means it. She needs to be all in. If you're not absolutely sure, then she's probably not all in. Don't let the pregnancy lower your standards. It will do the child no good if you end up going through this again after the birth.

[This message edited by healingroad at 6:58 PM, March 25th (Friday)]

Mark

That's great news. I'm happy the anxiety of not knowing is out of your life. Take some time to let your mind rest.

Glad the baby is yours. I hope you healing can truly begin now. Very best of luck to you and your family.

Congratulations on the good news. Now see that she gets IC for her to understand how she was able to choose to have the A. You state you both want to R so I’m wishing you both the best of luck and hope that you are able to accomplish that.

Oh thank goodness. That has to be an immense amount of relief for you. Now hopefully, you can move forward with this worry, at least, settled.

That is great you now know and it is good news.

Now your wife has plenty of work to do, one is being totally honest with herself and you. It is said the WS lies to themselves as much or more than they do to the BS.

Lie to justify what they did and to rationalize it. When your wife gets to the point she looks back at herself and the OM and that entire time with disgust, she is then making progress.

Any good memories of the OM or affair is a big negative.

Her reading the book Not Just Friends will open her eyes a bit more.

But she has to understand why she did this and especially how she will never do it again.

This is really great news Mark6; baby is in fact YOURS..

I would be so relieved. but would I? I'd have a bunch of questions, and I'd have a few " HAY wait just a minute" conversations. I mean after all?

The baby IS yours, and you two wanted that ~ BEFORE ~ but what about after? and WHAT IF he/she WAS NOT yours? And how the hell can such a question even come to pass? MINE.. or HIS? and YOU... MY WIFE... I'd want to know where she really is with this.

She was with someone else during all this. Where does that leave you? And what the heck was she doing any way? Seems you got lucky. But is that what she really wanted? Is that what YOU wanted...

Can you work it out?

I light a candle for you guys...

but I'd keep an eye on her... she just dodged a bullet.. and now here you are, ready to take responsibility for your kids (good for you)but the mom (your wife) has a PROVEN wandering eye...

SHE got Lucky ~ You didn't. And I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. NOW or fervor more. She's betrayed you in the deepest way. To spend sleepless night wondering if the baby in her tummy id YOURS! YOUR WIFE ~ After ALL you been through? Really! REALLY! I admire you.

She was READY to have ANOTHER MANS CHILD! And you think she loves you? And YOU were willing to stand by.. REALLY... I get LOVE... I get SACRIFICE.. but REALLY?

I don't buy it. I can't and I suppose over time you wouldn't either... BUT?

She has Kids and they have to be taken care of, so she falls back on you, as usual. She dodged a bullet there, you know ~ she would have been a "baby mama" and you'd have to deal with a "bastard" ~ how could she? How could YOU?

She gets all her needs met and so do the kids.

But YOU?

What about YOU?

Not FAIR at all. YOU get to be responsible for them ALL. yours or not. Just glad THIS ONE id yours... what about the next one?

How would SHE act if you knocked up the local farm girl?

Not so gracious that's for sure.

I would submit that somehow or another you need to let her know THIS IS NOT OK! And lay down STRICT boundaries...

I know you cant/wont leave her now but DUDE? You would do well to plan on doing so... she just got lucky.

[This message edited by janxspirit at 1:45 AM, March 27th (Sunday)]