SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow, Ron, I am impressed with the way you have handled this. Great job! Much respect.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for keeping the lights on! It's been a crazy time. I'm 4 weeks past D-day now. I have done the 180 pretty well for the last 2 weeks, and feel like I'm getting my feet back under me a bit. I'm confident now that I'm going to be ok without her and that the kids are going to be ok if we get divorced. I've made lots of new friends and been really focused on my health. She is still in the thick fog. She has still maintained contact with OM up until today. I know because she just told me. I haven't been following or taping her anymore because I'm 180ing. Tonight she sat me down and walked me through a few different ways of going through the divorce that she discussed with her lawyer. So it's not looking good. She met twice with a IC and said that she doesn't need to be fixed. Not sure if she'll go back yet. I told her that I'm not giving up and I don't want a divorce, but that I will move on with my life with or without her. She seems to want it to be without me, but I really think, in the long run, we'll be happier together than separate. I can get over this and be with her, I'm confident. She doesn't agree at this point, because she's still in the fog. She doesn't think that I can fulfill her and she doesn't think that she can fulfill me now. Presumably because of this great passion she's had for OM over the last 8 months that is continuing. What do I do? Do I give up now? Do I give her more time? She is really a great woman and we did have a good relationship before, she's just still really in the fog. Any thoughts would be great. Don't want to prolong it, but also, don't want to give up too early. I guess I'll just wait to see what she does and just move on with my life, keeping focused on myself and the kids. Should I be more proactive? Any help is appreciated pushing one way or the other. Thanks guys!!!

You can't make someone love you. Maybe she did at one time but once she started using the OM for her emotional & sexual needs then your relationship most likely died at that point.

I know its difficult but you deserve a w that wants to be with you, who is loyal, loving & honest. You're WW has shown none of these traits. I do not believe your WW is still in the fog. I believe she is in the checkout line at the marriage store.

Time to do what is necessary. Wishing you the strength in the days ahead.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 7:29 AM, March 26th (Saturday)]

Ronoh

You did not give up, she did.

Now if your wayward wife wants a divorce accept it.

Get favorable terms for the kids and yourself.

Make sure the expenses from her affair are on her side of the pile of debt.

Your wife wants to run and IMO you should let her.

She will never get the OM out of her system or her selfishness under control until she wakes up in an apartment all alone.....

So make that dream come true.

Keep being the man. Walk, talk and live as you will be just fine with or without her. Stay in control.

Because you will.

There are better women out there my friend.

HM

Last you posted she had no contact, blocked, ended contracts, etc. What happened? Was she lying?

No contact lasted 2 weeks. I caught them on VAR again and she said some stuff to OM about me and our relationship that was really hard to hear. She said that anything she and I had, didn't even come close to what she had with him. I couldn't bring myself to listen to the whole thing. That's when I really finally implemented the 180 completely and went into self preservation mode. I read the 180 list every day. It's helped me, but it's really way too late for our relationship. Over the last 2 weeks, we really haven't talked much. I haven't asked her about it and she didn't mention her continued contact until last night (3/25). It's a huge bummer to give up on all these dreams and effort that I put into our relationship for so long. Now I just need to find a way out that is low cost and is decent for the kids. I wonder if I could somehow have her pay for the entire divorce, since I don't want it. I guess I'll be spending my money on my lawyers, since I need someone on my side. What a bummer to waste all this. She keeps saying that she still loves me which really bothers me. She has sent me a few loving messages and a links to lots of articles about R, which was keeping me hopeful a bit for the last 2 weeks, even though I wasn't showing it. Last night she let me know that she was still in contact though, which kind of nullifies everything. Darn. It's gonna take me a while to adjust to a new future vision. All the support I've gotten here has been helpful thanks guys. If you could keep the shout outs coming, that would be great!

Her being with OM is not realistic. He lives in Sweden. You and the kids live here. He is married.

You really can't listen to her words at all. Only actions.

I believe she is sincere about OM, that she believes he is her soulmate. All they have done is at luxury hotels with no chores and no kids. They went to dinners, went to bed, woke up and said sweet nothings. They didn't even have to make their own beds. How less of a reality can that be? She is not too bright. Many cheaters are not very bright. Many cannot see how this is not real, though if they give any depth at all they could easily see that. But they lack that. Then comes d-day. Some finally wake up and can see the affair was not reality. Many still can't see it.

What I personally find the worst is the lies. Lying about how they feel to you, lying about no contact, lying, lying, and more lying. The purpose of the lying is to take advantage of you, the true definition of cheating. She wants two options, she wants you to wait for her to decide or she wants you to allow it. She would be perfectly happy if you just say nothing and let her continue. Is that love? "Love" I guess is like "beauty," it is in the eye of the beholder, but her and many other cheaters definition of "love" is pretty fucked up.

I'm really sorry this happened. I guess all of her statements were just more lies. This is some of the lies she's used just to manipulate you to stay:

She says she wants to break it off with him and stay together with me.

She got on her knees and asked me to stay and apologized

She sat on my lap, looked into my eyes and said it's over with him, and that she chooses me.

She did end all of her projects with OM at work. She showed me the emails from her boss breaking off all overseas projects or anything else that would involve him. She also spent a lot of time crying and groveling in front of me yesterday, while I calmly had the 180 list running through my head.

She blocked the OMs email and we are working on blocking all incoming international calls.

She did though, break off her business contract with Sweden. She showed me a very clear letter from her boss ending all of my W's commitments with Sweden. She has also reduced her hours at work. She got STD tests yesterday and has an IC appointment today. She has also found an MC who sounds like they may be able to help, we have an appointment again next week.

This is from your first post:

I'm dying inside

How could you reconcile with so many lies? You are dying and she is still lying. Can she really be worth it? And she is telling you she loves you?

You have seen this coming, though. I think that took a lot of discipline of you to remain silent when you knew she started contacting other man again.

I guess I'll just wait to see what she does and just move on with my life, keeping focused on myself and the kids. Should I be more proactive? Any help is appreciated pushing one way or the other.

I think most betrayed husbands don't like my advice because I suggest you to push her the opposite direction, to go to the other man and be with him. Do you think you can tell her what to do? You told her to be with you, did she? But yet people think that if they push them to go to the other person, that will push the cheater that way. Like you as a betrayed have any influence at all on a cheater in the midst of "passion."

Yeah, my advice is to buy her ticket and pack her bags, put her on the plane and send her to Sweden to be with her soulmate. Call up Other Man and his wife and let them know, she's on her way, OM wins, good luck with that, you two!

Try to keep this in mind: YOU are the PRIZE, she is the booby prize. I don't know any people who like liars. Even the liars I know don't like the other liars.

She keeps saying that she still loves me which really bothers me. She has sent me a few loving messages and a links to lots of articles about R, which was keeping me hopeful a bit for the last 2 weeks, even though I wasn't showing it. Last night she let me know that she was still in contact though, which kind of nullifies everything.

This behavior is infuriating. She throws you scraps and gives you just enough hope to keep you confused and hooked. It's such a selfish and disrespectful mindfuck.

Detach. Fight for yourself and the beautiful new life you will eventually create. There is no marriage to fight for - she ended it before you even knew you were in a battle.