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Ronoh, telling the other BS if possible is always a good idea. Affairs are usually based in fantasy and the other BS having knowledge of what was going on will put another set of eyes on the affair and probably make the OM make a choice that will result in him choosing his wife and leaving your wife out in the cold.

I would imagine your wife was friends with him on facebook... All you have to do to contact his wife is open your wife's facebook account then find him as a friend, I feel sure he has his wife listed as a friend or it may even be a shared account. You can use this info to get in touch with her about the affair.

Part of any reconciliation if you do it is a No Contact notification from your wife to the OM. In addition since your wife has used electronic communication such as facebook and other apps she should deactivate or delete these accounts. Also you should have access to all electronic apparatuses such as phones, ipads, computers.

Please try to continue to come down hard on her if that is what it takes to bring her out of her fog.

If she wants to stay with you or in the house then one of the requirements should be that every dime she makes that does not go for household expenses has to go to pay off your credit cards. No more purchases on credit cards and she should hand over all bank and credit cards she is currently using. You need to be in total control of the income of the family for a while.

Good Luck

If you are 100% bent on divorce then great, (stop reading this) and move forward as you have.

I told her she must take a leave of absence from her job, leave the house and go home with her parents for daily counseling and to live in a monastery there for a little while. I don't want her back for at least 1 month.

Personally I would tell her to find a new job immediately, you can give her a time limit...in the next month or two months. It would be nice for her to pay back her A money. Is she still coming up with excuses for not tell her boss about the A? If she wants to work there while she finds a new job she must do this immediately. If she doesn't do it say you will...or do it anyway.

She is also refusing to abandon the kids. She is still in the fog. Do I send the kids with her?

Don't you leave the house. It would look better in court if the kids stayed with you. She could say that she was afraid to leave them with you, or that she had the 100% of the time...it's best for the kids to stay home anyway.

It sounds to me like you are finally pulling back and enjoying her reaction ...so you are going whole hog. Separations rarely work in bringing the marriage back together. She goes home gets support from family, lies about you, contact OM or finds others online, doesn't have to deal with your pain, her guilt...Meanwhile// You are home alone unable to track her, in misery wondering what's going on...so you beg her to come home and everything gets swept under the rug.

They say Actions not Words... when you separate you only get to hear the words. I'd do a hard 180, carry a VAR, and see what actions she takes to save the marriage.

I am so, so, glad you talked with a Lawyer. That's big, and your last post makes me think that you were not given all bad news... that Divorce would be an option.

On a side note I hope you are keeping track of your finances in a safe way. It sounds like she has a bad spending problem and could easily bankrupt you to make herself feel better.

On another side note - protect this site from your wife. Lot's of times the WW tries to find dirt on their BS so they aren't the only ones to blame for problems in the marriage. This site is a safe place to vent and consider next steps... you don't want to lose that.

I was posting when you posted so I missed the bit about the OM. YES, YES, YES... tell the OBS.

It's similar to the 180... it seems counterproductive but it's the best way to track them and knock them out of the fog. You have to do it the right way. Do not tell your WW prior or use it as a threat or try to make your wife do it. This way you will find out if they are still in contact with each other. Also, it will not give them time to spin the story or make you out to be a crazy loon.

How would you feel if the OBS knew and didn't inform you? STD's, she might be able to stop it. get him to quit...

Most likely the OM is going to be so busy trying to save his marriage he will throw your WW under the bus. Suddenly this isn't a romantic relationship it's an Affair, and you WW is an OW that has ruined two families...with her selfishness.

I have to add that you are AMAZING. You might make a few missteps but you aren't just hoping she will "come around" you are doing stuff. Keep up the good work - I have no doubt you will get through this.

[This message edited by Freeme at 9:31 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

So painful to hear that I've already failed

"This battle is completely lost. But there is still time to win another one." -- French general Louis Desaix to Napoleon Bonaparte.

YES you absolutely 100% tell his wife!!! Immediately. Provide her with screenshots of anything you have. There is no moral ethics question here. There are four of you involved in her affair - it's just that no one has bothered to tell her yet. She deserves to protect herself from STDs and know what is happening in HER marriage. All that aside, it helps you. He'll throw your WW under the bus so fast her head will spin.

No, you don't leave the house. No, the kids do not go with her. She can visit them at agreed upon times for now.

Stand firm. You're doing well. See the difference when you start to stand up for yourself? And no more sitting on your lap. That's ridiculous of her.

[This message edited by Alaska77 at 10:05 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

As the others have said TELL HIS WIFE

TELL HIS WIFE

TELL HIS WIFE

It's the first thing to do for now.

The affair is work related - inform her work.

By the way she's definitely not on bard for R.

Good luck mate.

Freeme said this

"It sounds to me like you are finally pulling back and enjoying her reaction ...so you are going whole hog. Separations rarely work in bringing the marriage back together. She goes home gets support from family, lies about you, contact OM or finds others online, doesn't have to deal with your pain, her guilt...Meanwhile// You are home alone unable to track her, in misery wondering what's going on...so you beg her to come home and everything gets swept under the rug."

EXACTLY !!!!

I hate the concept of separation. It rarely works and all it does is delay the inevitable.

I only believe in separation if divorce is the only option and then one must do so under the advisement of good legal counsel.

You are stepping to the plate after some missteps Ron, just keep forward momentum.

Oh by the way, why are you from Michigan but the last two letters in your name is OH ?? Don't tell me you are one of those

Take a careful look at the two options. They not only will give you insight into what to expect from your wife, but also will impact how you need to proceed.

The affair ends

This is absolutely mandatory if there is to be any hope for the marriage. For a starting point, what that means is that your wife fully agrees and adheres to the following:

- NC (no contact). She writes him an email indicating that she made a huge mistake, that she loves you, that she has hurt you/her family, that she is working to try to repair the damage she has caused and that there will be no contact, in any form, going forward. You get to see and approve it before she sends it. That also means that she can't work with him anymore, so she will have to solve that problem to your satisfaction. It could be anything like getting another job or getting pulled off that account and having her management know that she can't be involved in any way, etc.

- Honesty. She answers all your questions. Any time. Any number of times. If you desire, she will be required to take a polygraph to demonstrate she is telling the truth.

- Transparency. You get full access to everything -- email, phone, social media, computer, etc. Changing passwords without telling you isn't allowed. Creating new accounts isn't permitted. Having secret accounts that she doesn't disclose is a violation. Deleting anything or having apps that hide communication is also not allowed.

- IC (individual counseling). She needs to see this as more than just a "mistake". She needs to understand what her character gap was that led her to cheat. If she doesn't think she needs to do the work and/or if she doesn't get down to the root of the issue, she won't be a safe partner for you.

These are things that she must do in order to show that she is willing to save the marriage. She must do them quickly. Some things take a bit of time. Finding a good IC and setting up a first appointment can take several days. Getting a new job can take months. The point is that she takes immediate action and continues to make progress.

She resists ending the affair or helping you heal

In this case, you really don't have much of a choice other than to press ahead with divorce. Starting the process is just that -- starting. If she changes course, you can always pause or even stop the process.

As long as your path is heading towards divorce, your end goal is your own healing and doing everything possible for the benefit of your kids. Whatever your wife does, even if it is hurtful, is no longer your focus. The implications of that play out this way:

1. Do the 180. Detach from her. Focus on yourself and keeping a clear head. Get an IC for yourself.

2. Invest in your kids. Make absolutely certain that they know that they are loved. Do not put them in the middle of the issues between you and your wife and let them know that none of it is their fault in any way.

3. Consult your attorney before you do anything that impacts her job or ability to work. If you do end in divorce, her earnings will come into play in the financial terms. Getting her fired will be something you could end up paying for over many years.

4. As long as her name is on the house and she is the mom of the kids, you can't force her out. If she will leave for a bit, great, but you can't push her out. Either of you leaving the kids could, potentially, be used as an argument in court over custody and visitation.

Where you stand today

Your wife has tried "love bombing" you. Once she saw you were serious, she tried sitting on your lap, saying that she chooses you and wants to work it out and being in bed with you. These are empty words and a manipulation tactic. It is good that you didn't accept any of it. See? You are strong enough for this.

She refuses to do anything with her job because she needs that income if you are divorcing her. While true, by not addressing the need for the affair to end and for there to be NC, she is forcing you to divorce her.

Stand by your non-negotiables. The affair ends, she takes satisfactory measures to establish NC and she does what is needed to start building trust. Period. You'd like to see if reconciliation is possible, but her words are empty after what she has done. She needs to show you she is sincere through action.

I'd love to tell her about it, but am conflict about the ethics of this.

The ethics are simple. If you didn't know about the affair and somebody else did, would you want them to tell you? It is a matter of respecting and being concerned for another person who is being absolutely trampled.

I know that there is an element of wanting revenge on the OM. That isn't what this is about. It is about gently giving the OM's wife information that is critical to her own health and her own marriage. Give her any evidence you have, let her know you are so sorry for news that you know is crushing to hear, offer a way to contact you if she wants more detail and let her know that this site has proven to be helpful in the aftermath of being betrayed.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:53 AM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

I think I've found OM's W's name and email. How should I do it? Are there any template letters people know about. I don't have any photos or anything, but I have a digital audio recording.

Should I just email her through my gmail account?

She insisted, so we went to MC last night and the C told us to go to IC after I explained the situation. So MC is over for now.

She says she set up an IC appointment for 2 weeks from now. I told her that was too long to wait.

I just went to an IC yesterday, and am going to a second tomorrow.

She asked me if I was going to work for us and I said no, that I am going to divorce you.

She has not contacted me since. I'm really going to start studying the 180 now, cause I'm panicking.

[This message edited by ronoh at 2:09 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

oh, and I have no affiliation with Ohio. <->honor

What happened to her statement that she would do anything to save the marriage? I agree quitting cold leaves her vulnerable if you decide to divorce, but why can't she begin looking for another job?

Just a quick word of caution. Do not go back on what you say to her. Doing so gives her room to maneuver and test your boundaries further. Also, do not threaten what you are not willing to carry out, because if she blows through the boundaries and you do not act, she no longer has any incentive to listen to what you say. Good luck.

If I tell the OM's wife, it will likely destroy my wifes career. Is this a problem for me legally?

Legally - absolutely not.

But beyond legally, in my opinion, is that this isn't a question of what you should do. Your wife knew when she took on this boyfriend of what some of the consequences should be.

You NEED to expose, so my view is why worry about a consequence that she brought upon herself?

DO NOT LET HER KNOW THAT YOU ARE EXPOSING.

I like to say that you are handling the trauma very well. So nice if you.

I cannot believe the way your wife reacted after D-day.

She is not remorseful, or taking any sincere actions to repair the damage for you or kids.

It seems she is not getting the idea, "she made the terrible mistake". She is in thick fog, and justifying her A as a true love or something.

How idiotic is this!

Your interest is making your WW to end the A for 200% certainty.

Please inform the OM's wife with the email, which is filled with facts, evidence, and the detailed description of the trauma happening in your family.

Please provide your phone number, so she can reach you for further verifications, or discussing the tactics with you as another BS.

It will help the OM's wife to realize the seriousness of the A.

She will use your email as a baseline, and take her actions.

The OM is in oversea, and spending time to talk to you W, not with his W.

The OM'S wife will be devastated and mad at him like a hell. The OM has to pay for the cost.

Your W spent 20,000 to enhance herself to win this OM.

It is telling me that your wife is not confident for herself, and maybe the OM was not crazy about her as much she wanted to be. So, she is leading the A.

It looks like your wife is in fantasy land alone, and dreaming something impossible by herself. She is misleading herself due to the crazy sexual hormonal imbalance.

When the OM is shaken by his wife, he will end the A immediately. Your wife will be dumped by the OM, and be miserable!

Once she became dumped & miserable, she will turn back to you to see if there is any hope for herself.

I know you are in pain and devastated, but show your strong stand, and do not negotiate with her at all.

She needs to pay for all the consequences. Otherwise, she will not wake up or learn anything.

ronoh,

If you D she may get alimoney if is not working. Ask you lawyer.

But you can gove her a month to find another job before you tel HR.

IMO if OM wife is a SHM and is willibg to forgive OM, you can tell heras she wont want OM to lose gis job. You will never know if OM wife is going to expose the affair to the Cia if you dont talk to her.

Better, you can tell OM you are reachong HR if he doesnt resign in 30 days, also ibform him that he has rhe same time to cone clRan to his wife before you do.

So she chose you, wasn't that so kind of her you should have been jumping for joy, here I thought that was done with the "I do" on you're wedding day

So when she meets her next AP maybe she won't choose you.

She asked me if I was going to work for us and I said no, that I am going to divorce you.

You have every reason to consider the affair and what she did after you discovered it to be a dealbreaker. If that is what it is to you, nobody can blame you and heading straight for divorce is exactly what you should do.

If you feel that you might change your mind IF she does everything possible to help you heal and to be a safe partner, then tell her that. For example, tell her that the affair must end now, NC must be started (including whatever impact that has on her job), she must be honest, transparent and start IC. Tell her that you are moving forward with divorce because she won't agree to the minimum you require in order to believe that she really might be serious about saving the marriage.

You get to call the shots. Do what is right for you.

If I tell the OM's wife, it will likely destroy my wifes career. Is this a problem for me legally?

Legally, as long as everything you say is truthful, you can't be charged. However, if you are getting divorced, it could impact your alimony and financial settlement (consult your lawyer).

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 3:19 PM, March 2nd (Wednesday)]

For me, these are the first things I do if my wife cheats on me.

1. No contact....ever. Non negotiable. Not a peep, not even a NC letter. She ghosts him entirely FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. If she sees him from a mile away she better run the other direction. If 20 years from now they even end up in the same building I will leave her on the spot.

2. Time line/ whole truth. She will not be permitted to trickle truth me. "We only kissed once" will not become "none of our kids are yours" over the course of 5 weeks. Because I leave on the spot if she ever lies or hides anything from me from this day forward. Don't care if this affects her career. And of course I will get passwords, recover deleted texts, have IT guy go over laptop to find anything (emails, pics).

3. OMW. She's needs to know but I'm not telling her. My cheating wife is going to be one that's tells her and I will be listening to call and following up with OMW to make sure she knows everything.

And this is like 1% of what is needed to even think sbout starting R

Ronoh, good for you! So glad you are taking stand and not giving in to her manipulation.

She actually thought sittin gon your lap and blessing you with the amazing news of her choice would sway you? Wow her world is about to come crashing down.

Double check with a lawyer about her quitting her job. You do not want to make the D more expensive than it needs to be.

She asked me if I was going to work for us and I said no, that I am going to divorce you.

I'm confused as to if you're plans have changed and your goal now is Divorce. Completely different set of advice if this is the case. For example -

If you are planning on staying together I would say that the OBS needs to know, regardless of what happens to your wife's job. If you plan to reconcile and heal she can't work there, and especially on the project with OM. You will be torn apart every time she goes out of town for a meeting.

If you are planning on divorce I'd say speak to a lawyer. Legally, you are telling the truth so it won't hurt you but financially...a lawyer could tell you if you would be digging yourself a financial hole, with her not working and finding new job. If this would increase CS, and/or SS or cause other financial problems. From reading the forums the lawyers normally say not to tell but is mostly because they want to keep things calm during mediation.