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I am starting to feel like her fog is lifting a little, but I'm still being very cautious. I'm starting to live the 180. I have no idea how I can possibly feel intimate towards her again, but I'm backing off of divorce a little bit.

I was trying to shock my W into thinking I am going to go through with it, and just flat out told her the papers were coming. She sat all day in fear yesterday, calling her lawyers trying to figure out what she was going to do. She did end all of her projects with OM at work. She showed me the emails from her boss breaking off all overseas projects or anything else that would involve him. She also spent a lot of time crying and groveling in front of me yesterday, while I calmly had the 180 list running through my head.

She blocked the OMs email and we are working on blocking all incoming international calls.

I informed the OM's W with a very clear email. She has responded and is confronting her husband. We will be in touch. My wife has no idea I've done this.

You all have given me so much strength and I'm intensely grateful. My marriage is not saved. But I see a glimmer of hope now.

I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to you :(

sending you strength!

I informed the OM's W with a very clear email. She has responded and is confronting her husband. We will be in touch. My wife has no idea I've done this.

Boom. Nice.

You all have given me so much strength and I'm intensely grateful. My marriage is not saved. But I see a glimmer of hope now.

At a minimum, you are saving yourself by taking control. Keep on!

I informed the OM's W with a very clear email. She has responded and is confronting her husband. We will be in touch. My wife has no idea I've done this.

Nicely done! Don't let your WW know about your contact with OMW if at all possible...just keep it in your back pocket for a while. If she suddenly confronts you about it, you'll know that NC was broken. If she suddenly confronts you about it and is angry or upset with you, it would indicate that she's still in the fog and cares more about OM's feelings than yours.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 1:13 PM, March 3rd (Thursday)]

My wife exploded when I talked to the OMW.

She then came back to earth about 3 hours later.

Don't be surprised by her reaction when she finds out you spoke to the other W.

ronoh,

Be careful and keep yiur gard up!

She may be crying because she is greaving OM, not because she wants you.

Keep doing 180 at least a coyole of weeks.

If she conplains about OMW if may be that she is still in contact.

I am sorry but she seemed to be deep ibti fog that maybe she still is but is hiddibg it and the affair has gone undergrownd.

Mate you're rockin.

Nice one, now stay in control of the situation.

How does it feel to be getting into the drivers seat.

The 180 is not a strategy for fixing your marriage. It is a strategy for fixing you! It is the most effective way to detach from your WW and begin to heal. When you end contact with her and serve her with divorce papers her fantasy world may collapse and you might see true remorse but, more likely, you will see true panic. You see, she want's you around to do the family thing with and her OM around for hot sex. Make no mistake - this is the world she had and it's the one she wants back.

Telling OM's wife is a solid step forward for you. Losing her playmate will help wake her up. The thing is, as long as they CAN still get together through work the danger of the affair continuing is very high. The difference this time is that they have learned to be better liars and you will have a much more difficult time catching them together.

One more thing, empty threats of serving her with divorce papers will prove to her that you are too weak to actually do anything about her cheating. Do it or don't do it but stop the threats.

If she has lawyers she is talking to, you should move fast. File before she does. You can always call it off later if you want.

Well done Ronoh, you are doing great. might not feel like it sometimes, but you are gaining control. Keep strong brother

You're doing well! Way to get back in control quickly. Listen to Drifter. No empty threats.

good for you Ron. Good job bro. keep us updated and let us know if Fabio get's his ass handed to him over in Sweden

Just one thing if its not been mentioned

Make sure you verify at some point its the O.M.s wife who your emailing as it could be him

Simply phone call at some point would suffice

I feel shocking her back into relationship is a fool's errand. It will last only as long as she is in shock. Then she will go back to cheating again.

She slept with him and denied you on your anniversary date. I don't think it gets more symbolic than that. If you are staying for the kids, would you still stay if you catch her cheating again ? because the same rules will apply. The kids problem will still be there.

Sounds like you are doing much better than a short week ago. But...

As I said in a previous post ultimatums can work against you if you are not ready to carry them out. You need to be careful of threats too. It's similar to when you told her "you will do anything to save the marriage" That gave her the ability to do anything she wanted. The absolute promise of divorce does the same thing. Now when she breaks NC, talks bad about you, runs up bills $$$..write an Online profile... her excuse to you is going to be "Well you said it was over so what difference does it make?" You can't expect her to "fight for the marriage" if you appear to be dead set on divorce. Yes, you would have still fought for the marriage but you did nothing wrong...

Looks like she is headed out of the fog. The main thing to remember now is actions not words... is she saying she will go to IC or is she doing it? Is she doing what you asked her to do on her own or are you demanding each item. Is she finding book on how to help your spouse heal and reading them or is she just asking "what else can I do?" Actions not words.

While it may sound like I am nitpicking the way you have handled things you really have done amazing. The three main items Lawyer, 180 and tell the OBS are done...Actually, the STD check should be there too. I know you did that but did your WW?

I'd stay clear of being intimate with her for awhile. From what you have written it's a major manipulation tactic in her arsenal.

Sounds like the OM's wife is really mad and broken up, but it also sounds like she's going to let him off pretty easy. She said that she will do whatever it takes to save her marriage, which makes me think that she's being too easy. But at least I have her looking out for things a little on her end.

I've been trying my best to be firm and stable with my wife, but I tend to let my feelings get out of hand with her, saying nasty stuff and all. Really trying to avoid that. I've backed off of the divorce talks, because exactly as you said, it was starting to backfire and she was going into self preservation mode rather than marriage preservation mode. She has also contacted a few lawyers herself, and saying that she can't back off from work if I'm going to divorce her, which is true.

She did though, break off her business contract with Sweden. She showed me a very clear letter from her boss ending all of my W's commitments with Sweden. She has also reduced her hours at work. She got STD tests yesterday and has an IC appointment today. She has also found an MC who sounds like they may be able to help, we have an appointment again next week.

I went to 2 IC appointments yesterday and more appointments set up going forward. I need to be successful at work now. I need to stop thinking about this and start focusing on getting my work life back on track, so I will sign off for a while. Thank you for all of your help! You have been great support.

She lied and cheated on you so believing anything she tells you right now is not rational. She's in "smooth this all over" and "let's put this behind us" mode right now and will lie and minimize and gaslight you in order to get what SHE wants. You said it yourself, she's in "self preservation mode".

You losing your temper and saying "nasty stuff" is totally understandable - even something I would expect. This is so raw right now it is nearly impossible to keep all of your anger, shame, and fear bottled up. If you don't get all of this poison out from time to time there's no telling what will happen.

As far as OMW, don't judge her because you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. You told her and now it's her issue. She might be able to contribute to keeping them apart but, other than that, she has nothing to do with your recovery.

It's very easy for you to be distracted right now because those distractions give your tortured mind a bit of a respite from this horror show. You can't help this right now but be aware of it as things begin to sort themselves out in your mind. Hang in there.

Hell of a week, huh?

Sounds like the OM's wife is really mad and broken up, but it also sounds like she's going to let him off pretty easy. She said that she will do whatever it takes to save her marriage, which makes me think that she's being too easy. But at least I have her looking out for things a little on her end.

You never know, man. The shock lasts longer for some than others. She might change her tune soon enough. And just like the rest of us, that tune tends to change quite often in those first few months. From here on out, though, rest assured the OM is going to be more concerned with saving his own ass than worry about your WW's.

I tend to let my feelings get out of hand with her

Yeah... BTDT. I said some extremely harsh things to my wife. Upon more than one occasion I ripped her to emotional shreds, unleashing levels of rage the likes of which I never thought I could be capable. Often enough, I had to simply leave for a while (a long walk, bike ride, drive, whatever...).

My emotions were all over the place for... what's today? It's not so bad now, just less than a year out, but I still have days and shit still triggers me. I saw an therapist about that anger, learned a few tricks (coping skills "ding!"). It was worth the time and money.

It's great to hear about her cutting all business contacts as well and taking responsibility for her conduct both professionally... and personally.

If you're starting to wonder if R is going to be possible, it seems you have some very positive signs. Good for you, man. Get back to work and stay focused.

We'll leave the light on for you, ronoh. Stop by any time.

Hope things are running smoothly for you. Update us when you get a chance.

Your kids want a dad not a half broken father who is emotionally destroyed. They will understand when they are older as long as you communicate with them as they mature. My advice....run. She isn't mature enough to work it out with you, she's gonna fall back if she is telling you she is grieving him being gone. Run my friend and don't look back until you feel normal again. Just be there for the kids and give them 100% of your attention, love, and communication.