SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never thought I would be in this kind of forum....but here I am.

I am 51, my wife is 47, we have been married for almost 23 years and we have a 22 y/o daughter and 18 y/o son. I am a high level manager for a government agency and my wife is an operations type supervisor for a large company.

In the last year, she has seemed to slowly get distant, especially so in the last few months. Her job has a lot of stress to it, well as does mine. I travel often for work but her flexible schedule allows her to go with me most of the time.

Through friends, electronic carelessness on her part and just bad luck I guess you could say, I have found out she is having an affair with another manager in the company she works for. This has been going on for at least 15 months, at times more intense then others.

I found all this out on V-Day this year as she gave me her iPad to look at something when messages popped up from the person she is doing this with. She initially said she was trying to "trap" me thinking I was spying on her and the texts were not real.

Within a short period of time, she admitted she did not think she loved me anymore but wanted to try and see what we could work out. She agreed to not have any contact with him that was not work required and it seemed for a couple weeks like that was doing ok.

Since then, we took a 7 day cruise that seemed like life was perfect for us again. The day we got back, she was right back with this guy and spending lots of time with him. She gets very defensive when we talk and I say things like "what have you been up to today?" and can't give me a straight answer.

2 days ago, I got an unsolicited call and series of messages from one of her co-workers who told me the affair was going on and provided photo and email type proof.

This guy is married with a 4 y/o and 3 month old son.

My wife won't come fully clean on this and is telling the guy she is doing this with that she can't financially afford to leave me. She apparently is going to approach me about being "friends" while she continues this relationship with him in the background.

I am not sure what to do....do I confront her fully and be on the high end, or wait for her to make the next move???

I'm Lost,

Read my threads. Not quite the same, but the work situations are a little similar.

First, the quickest way to stop an affair is to without saying a word to your wife contacting the OM wife. If he is trying to save his own ass, in most cases he will throw you wife under the bus.

You obviously have proof. My guess is an attorney will tell you not to do anything to jeopardize her job because if you divorce it will cost you. But them working directly together at the same location makes your mountain more difficult than mine to climb.

You apparently already know her game plan. Why would you want to sit there and not confront her knowing what she is going to do. Are you going to be OK with them continuing to meet and have sex while you are watching and snooping.?? My guess is your answer to that is no.

There is no such thing as staying ":friends". Her workplace knows about it.

You are going to get a lot of responses here from folks who know more than me. I only know what I did has worked. But my wife had no intention of getting emotionally hooked

Confront her big time

First no more cruise. Don't reward her cheating with a vacation. Secondly tell the guy's wife. Third, file for divorce. Your wife has admitted to using you as an atm. It's time to leave her.

Outing it to the OM spouse is first. Watch how fast it sizzles and burns.

She already has said she's with you for financial reasons. You deserve better than that.

Simultaneously deliver the divorce papers (which doesn't actually mean divorce until the dust settles anyway) and tell the other guy's wife.

Blow the affair out of the shadows and into the sunlight.

I'm neither pro-divorce nor pro-reconciliation - I am definitely anti-infidelity, and your goal here should be to end your open marriage. The one she dragged you into without your knowledge.

Whether it ends because she comes back to you of her own accord or it ends because you divorce her is irrelevant. You do not want to live in an open marriage that you did not choose. There is nothing that you did that caused her to "trip and fall on a dick." This is NOT your fault.

But fixing it requires you to be willing to burn it to the ground.

Lost:

So sorry you are here. No one deserves the pile of crap cheating spouses dump on the people they pledged to love and honor for life.

Our situations are similar. I had tons of evidence and she would only admit to them being friends and she wanted to continue the "friendship". Please understand your WW spouse will flat out lie to your face and continue to do so in spite of hard evidence to the contrary. Do not let this throw you off. It is truly mind blowing. Believe none of what you hear at this point and only half of what you see.

My WW also said let's try to work it out while going out the same day and buying a burner cell phone (I mistakenly mentioned cell phone record evidence). If you situation is like mine (sounds like it), she fully intends to continue the affair while having you handle all the boring tasks at home, taking care of the kids and paying to keep the life style she enjoys.

Sorry for the 2x4 but you need a plan and you need one fast. Some things to consider:

Put a VAR in her car or anywhere you think she might be talking to AP. Amazon has good ones for $50 each. Keep one on your person when you guys talk is also an excellent idea. You can use your cell phone for this also.

If you haven't already done it, secure your finances. Move some money to a safe place and consider securing any important documents. Take them to a trusted friend or family members house.

Dig for evidence and secure it. If not secured it will disappear.

Find the spouse of AP and tell her everything. DO NOT tell you WW you are doing this in advance.

Once you blow it up, evaluate. She may rage at you, she may crumple to the floor in tears or she may just walk out and never look back. Please remember you are dealing with an accomplished liar and actor. Don't take stock in any of it for a period of time as the situation will become more clear with time.

Again, I'm very sorry you are here. Please know you are not alone.

First of all, I agree with Rulk. Do as he says

First of all, you rewarded your wife with a vacation for her cheating on you.

It is my opinion that this is one of those 'The kids are out of the house, let me play around' type of affairs. Almost like getting used as long as you were viable. Poster Graywolf has a great post she shares from time to time. In it he says perhaps you should get a divorce and then keep your wife around while you BE the other man in other words, stop being her bedrock for emotional and financial support while she gives the other guy sex for free. Why shouldn't you be the recipient of a stress free life and a FWB situation ? How would she react to that ? I am sure not well.

Some passing thoughts AND I KNOW IT SOUNDS HARSH OR EASY FOR ME TO SAY but I advise based on how I feel, I don't advise based on an effort 'not to offend'

1) I support Rulk's thoughts completely. Rather than looking forward to your golden years with her, she is abusing you. No sense keeping her around any more. Kids are out of the house, an amicable divorce can be attainable.

2)Keep your head up high. You aren't the one who blew up 23 years, she did.

3) She has rewarded your hard work by cheating on you. Unacceptable.

4) 15 months of lies which means her affair started when your kid was in high school. This is recklessness.

5)She is accusing you of spying on her yet she doesn't give you any reason to trust her because her ethical and moral compass has gone to shit. I hope you put her in her place over this

6) She 'admitted she didn't think you loved her anymore which is often times a cheater scripted line. However, instead of sitting down and talking to you and working on things, she because a double adultress, first cheating on you, then being an affair partner in the other marriage.Your wife's lack of moral compass shows she's not marriage material anymore.

7) This is the reason people say a cheater has to leave the job when having an affair with a co-worker. Because the affair doesn't stop and she completely lied about no contact.

8) the cruise was a horrible idea. She used you on that one or feels that somehow she can still be a good wife while cheating. This is another cheater handbook script. As long as she is having an affair, she is a horrible wife.

9)_ You said this "The day we got back, she was right back with this guy and spending lots of time with him. She gets very defensive when we talk and I say things like "what have you been up to today?" and can't give me a straight answer." This tells me the affair is in your face which is an unlivable situation.

10) Thank God she has this coworker with morals and standards who is willing to step to the plate and expose the affair to you. That is such a rarity, treat it as a gifthorse.

11) So this scumbag has two young kids ? I hate this guy even more now.

12) Your wife claims she's using you as an ATM. Stop allowing this to happen. She wants to use you for your finances while screwing around on you and screwing another man behind the other betrayed spouse's back while she is raising their kids. Your wife has lost her mind if she somehow believes she can make you believe that this situation is acceptable to you. She may try to talk you into an 'open marriage' which is a disgusting practice first of all and secondly is easy for someone to propose if they already have someone lined up. Of course that ends when they break up and you still have someone. DO NOT FAll for this bullshit.

So here is what I would do

1) Seek out a very good, bulldog attorney and file fro divorce. I would even consider having her served at work

2) YOU DO NOT LEAVE the house. She chose to leave, try to force her out. If she refuses and starts to get squirrelish, then I would wear a VAR on you in order to protect yourself against false DV charges. If need be, at least move her out of the bedroom while the divorce proceedings continue.

3) Separate your accounts. Stop being her ATM machine and don't contribute a single cent to this affair.

4) EXPOSE to the other man's wife. Blow it up. I am sure that she may kick him out or divorce him and he will be paying massive child support. Cool. I am one of the few who believes that exposure should be about revenge too. Yes, most here says it is to stop the affair. But if you get punched in the face and your jaw is broken, is it enough to just for the beatdown to stop or are you going to hit back and/or file charges ? It may allow them to see that there is pain associated with such lewd behavior and they will stop victimizing other people. If a product of the exposure is that he gets kicked out of his house, he may be pining for your wife more. So be it, she chose him already. Let her share in his misery while you sail off into the sunset on a more productive life. If he drops her like a hotcake in order to save his marriage, then you hold all the cards. Such a shit sandwich late in life would probably provoke me to end the marriage regardless of what this other man does. So at the very least, you expose them and flush out their intentions. At the most, you cause carnage and while they dig themselves out of it, you divorce on your own terms and win.

5) I would make four copies of the evidence. One to your attorney, one in your control and one in a safe place and off campus (a neutral location) and a fourth to the other man's wife.

6) I may tell your kids. I know this is hard for people to accept. You must be prepared as your kids may be convinced by her when you file for divorce that you are the bad guy. It has happened so many times on this board.

7) I would seek peer support from your work and friends and other family.

8) If things get incredibly nasty, you always have the option of exposing them at work. Whatever you do, do not show either one of them any compassion. They are not worthy of it.

I know some may attack my thoughts but these two have decided to ambush you and ruin you late in life. They should not be spared any further consideration

I'm really sorry that circumstances have found you here. Seriously.

That said, I agree with what some of the others have said so far.....while I don't think you necessarily need to file for a divorce right away, I'd strongly advise finding a way of telling the OM(other man)'s wife. Not even on some revenge-type shit, but simply because she has the right to know the kind of person that's coming home to her each night.

Also? Please get an STD test post-haste and stop having sex with her if you're still doing so. If this guy is cheating on his wife, then there's a good chance it's not his first time doing so, and based off of experience cheaters don't generally require STD tests ahead of time, and god only knows where this guy's junk has been.

THANKS all for the thoughts! I really appreciate everyone's knowledge.

A couple things to explain more fully to see how they factor in:

>She makes more money then me, financially we are in so deep that if we are apart our only real option would be bankruptcy I think...not sure but it would be very tough for either of us to be on our own.

>My 18y/o son is still in the house, he just turned 18 and won't graduate till next year (he was held back a year in elementary school).

>I do use a VAR when I talk to her, she has claimed in the past that I talk down to her or treat her like one of the kids and not as an equal partner. These types of discussions usually center around money but she is very defensive.

>For sometime, we have used Facetime, especially to communicate with our daughter who lives 500 miles away. When I try to do that with my wife, she says it is spying or not trusting her...this seems to be just a deflection right?

>I am not exactly sure how to get in touch with the other guys wife, I know about where they live but not the address. How is it best to find her? (related to his wife, my wife and this guys wife have been good friends for about 2 years. My wife was even present when their new baby was born).

Her work friend told me they were out together yesterday at what has been our favorite restaurant. I came close to going there and dropping my wedding ring on the table with them sitting at it.....I think they is not the best path to take as the short term gratification will not yield much in the long run correct??

[This message edited by Imlost499624 at 9:12 AM, March 17th (Thursday)]

disagree. Drop the ring on her. Throw it out and take a video of it and send it to her.

Sometimes, symbolism goes a long way.

And as another poster said, hire someone if you can't find the other guy's wife. It's really not that hard.

I am not exactly sure how to get in touch with the other guys wife, I know about where they live but not the address. How is it best to find her?

A tool I have used in the past with decent success is a public records search. Not the pay services that inevitably pop up when you google someone's name (although google can sometimes reveal a lot on its own), but an actual search of government (usually county) databases. Many counties have their public records online these days...especially real estate transactions and tax records. Check the county website where they live and look for a link to their clerk of courts. Real estate records will reveal a lot. Even if they rent, it's possible they will list traffic violations and other criminal/civil court case records that could contain an address, etc.

(related to his wife, my wife and this guys wife have been good friends for about 2 years. My wife was even present when their new baby was born).

That's actually good news...it means revealing to OM's wife will have an even greater impact on your WW.

Her work friend told me they were out together yesterday at what has been our favorite restaurant. I came close to going there and dropping my wedding ring on the table with them sitting at it.....I think they is not the best path to take as the short term gratification will not yield much in the long run correct??

Correct. Exposing the affair to OM's wife will have much greater impact, and (unlike the average restaurant parking lot brawl) it's perfectly legal.

It is so unfair, but your marriage, as you knew it, is now over. This may or may not end in divorce, but you must prepare for divorce regardless of your feelings for your wife. You are now fighting for your future, your financial security, your home and your family. Your wife is putting all of that at risk for her bit on the side. She isn't thinking straight. She isn't thinking at all. Worse, she either hasn't considered what this will do to you, or she doesn't care what this will do to you. She is not your friend right now.

She was outed by a coworker. That means that everybody at her job knows what she and the OM are doing. Only a matter of time before the higher ups and human resources know about it, too, and they aren't going to like it. She is risking her job. This coworker may have already given the same information to the other man's wife. I guarantee that when the OM's wife finds out, he is going to throw your wife under the bus. So she is looking at losing her job and her boyfriend. And that leaves you, faithful husband, holding the bag. That's why you need to meet with a lawyer as soon as you can, and take steps to secure yourself financially. That's the first thing, before you confront her, you get that lawyer. That is the only way she is going to believe that you are serious.

imlost

Your wife will never respect you until you expose the affair.

You should have gone to the restaurant.

Sat down with them.

And made them feel and look like the children they are acting like.....

Now get a hold of his wife and expose the affair.

Your wife is a liar and a cheater. Treat her like one.

HM

disagree. Drop the ring on her. Throw it out and take a video of it and send it to her.

Sometimes, symbolism goes a long way.

And as another poster said, hire someone if you can't find the other guy's wife. It's really not that hard.

If it was me I would let her boyfriend's wife know first. Of course do not let your wife know you are doing this before you do it

She apparently is going to approach me about being "friends" while she continues this relationship with him in the background.

I don't think you want to be in an open marriage. Where you get stuck at home while your wife is going out with some other guy. An open marriage is exactly what she is telling you she wants.

Start working on your finances, do not let finances keep you living in this misery.

Your wife continually telling you that you are spying and you dont trust her, she is as some say, deep in the fog of the affair, not living in the real world. WHY in the world would she expect you to trust her while she is in an open marriage openly going out with some guy. This is rather disrespectful to you.

I wonder how she would be reacting if the situation were reversed.

You should talk to a lawyer and find out your options, time frame and finances.

Stop paying her way, if you pay for anything of hers, just stop. Do not let her use any money for her fun and affair.

This OM sounds much younger than your wife, and I would guess he has a lot to lose financially if and when his wife finds out.

Get the affair out in the open, if your wife wants to live like this, fine, but do not let her do it secretively. If she wants an open marriage, okay, but she will have to do it with others knowing all about it...not just coworkers whispers.

Read all about the 180 here in the Healing Library...the cruise...remember, you can never nice your wife out of an affair or back to you.

Good advice so far. Listen to it and take appropriate action.

15 months is a long time. Think about that. While you thought she was in the marriage with you, she was busy having sex with another man. That's so tough to swallow. But wishing it isn't true won't change the facts of the matter.

You're a high level manager. Good. Then treat what you have as a project and create actionable items. And item number one is to meet with an attorney and file for divorce immediately.

In addition, besides exposing the affair to the other guy's wife (I would wait to hear what your attorney advises you on whether to call HR), discuss it with your kids. Yep, your kids. They are adults. I have kids the same age. Your wife betrayed them in addition to you. The fallout will impact their lives. They have a right to know.

Re-read all of the above posts. It's solid advice and a game plan for you to follow. The rest is up to you. You can do this.

Related to his wife, my wife and this guys wife have been good friends for about 2 years. My wife was even present when their new baby was born).

Imlost499624

The above gives you a great deal of power. I realize that some people at their work already know but telling his wife would rock their world.

She makes more money then me, financially we are in so deep that if we are apart our only real option would be bankruptcy I think...not sure but it would be very tough for either of us to be on our own.

Imlost499624

If your financial situation is indeed that hopeless I would divorce her and live with her. Ask her for the same deal she’s giving her other man (OM). i.e. no strings attached sex. There is no stigma whatsoever today when unmarried people live together. That way your finances are separated and if you get ahead in the future one of you can move out if you want too.

By demoting her to girlfriend you keep some self respect and it isn’t as big of a deal if she slips off to see her other boyfriend.

She will not like this. She wants you for stability and the OM for fun. Getting a divorce will make the stability you provide less reliable.

This reminds me of a line the marines chant in the movie Full Metal Jacket: “This is my rifle, this is my gun. This is for killing, this is for fun.”

Well from now on you’re for fun.

EDIT:

My wife won't come fully clean on this and is telling the guy she is doing this with that she can't financially afford to leave me. She apparently is going to approach me about being "friends" while she continues this relationship with him in the background.

Imlost499624

Your wife’s story is that divorce is off the table because you can’t afford living separately. It might be fun to let her approach you and agree to everything she wants but insist on a divorce and living together. Her reaction would be quite interesting. Be sure to ask her if "friends" get sex.

The divorce agreement can specify each of your responsibilities for getting out of debt. If she wants to go on a cruise she can pay for it. If she makes more than you then she will have to pay more of the mortgage. To me this is a win win. You get a nice divorce settlement or you change the dynamic where she’s begging you not to divorce her.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 2:24 PM, March 17th (Thursday)]

disagree. Drop the ring on her.

Yup.

Just pop in the restaurant, drop that gold ring right into her soup along with giving her at least a draft set of divorce papers, and walk out. Maybe tell her, "You have 30 seconds to say goodbye forever to that piece of shit sitting across from you" if you are pondering saving the marriage. That's your line in the sand.

Short, hard shocks are needed here. No ambiguity, just decisive action.

Sending strength!!!

Right now, money doesn't matter. I'd rather be bankrupt than put up with infidelity. Choose getting out of infidelity. You won't regret it.

she admitted she did not think she loved me anymore but wanted to try and see what we could work out. She agreed to not have any contact with him that was not work required and it seemed for a couple weeks like that was doing ok.

Since then, we took a 7 day cruise that seemed like life was perfect for us again. The day we got back, she was right back with this guy and spending lots of time with him

So you are in deep financial distress and she manipulates you into dropping a bunch of money on a cruise? To top it off, she was also manipulating you into doing it on the premise that it would help your marriage only to immediately connect with the other man the day she returned? And it has come out that she views you just as a financial nicety? THAT tells you everything you need to know.

Find a lawyer, learn about your rights and be clear on the financial situation. Dig into your financial records -- anything that she has spent on the affair might be recoverable in a divorce. Also get clear advise on her job and the financial implications (e.g. she could end up paying you alimony).