SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In my divorce losing my best friend was by far the hardest, and the hardest to understand. We laughed, we talked for hours.

And suddenly that was all over: thrown away.

I will never really understand it, and she couldn't come close to explaining it.

If she could text that it was fucked up, then why couldn;t she send the info about the kid in the same text messages ?

Send her a message back that "If it is anything related to the kids, text or email me"

She might use your non contact to portray you in a negative way during the custody.

This thread made me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry you're going through all this JM.

But now that the die is cast you need to protect yourself. She is not your friend, she is not the woman you went to Vegas with, she is not the person you held hands and talked with. She is the enemy and she is going to try and hurt you.

Lawyer up and make her bleed.

The shitty part is, I'm being forced to hate her. I don't want to, I really don't. All this talk that "she's the enemy", "make her bleed", "she's trash", it's hard to take.

This is the mother of my children, and up to a few months ago, my wife, my love, and my best friend.

I don't want it to be like this, but what I want is irrelevant right now.

The shitty part is, I'm being forced to hate her. I don't want to, I really don't. All this talk that "she's the enemy", "make her bleed", "she's trash", it's hard to take.

This is the mother of my children, and up to a few months ago, my wife, my love, and my best friend.

I don't want it to be like this, but what I want is irrelevant right now.

The shitty part is, I'm being forced to hate her. I don't want to, I really don't. All this talk that "she's the enemy", "make her bleed", "she's trash", it's hard to take.

This is the mother of my children, and up to a few months ago, my wife, my love, and my best friend.

I don't want it to be like this, but what I want is irrelevant right now.

You are correct! Being a BS is shitty, unfair, hurtful and it sucks.

You have choices. You can make this easier on yourself or harder.

Tell us what you are are doing for you. You tell us how bad your situation is, you tell us what horrible thing your WW did/said to you today. Tell us what steps you are taking for you to pull yourself out of the nightmare of infidelity.

take what you need, jm. take what makes sense to you. ignore the rest.

does it make sense to protect yourself? does it make sense to detach from your w, without giving up your love for her? does it make sense that she's not you friend any more?

this will not go away on its own.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:57 PM, March 24th (Thursday)]

None of it makes sense.

What am I doing? Going to 1-2 meetings a day, trying to avoid her by staying out of the house as much as possible, working, trying to act normal in front of the kids, and praying and crying alot.

That's all I can do right now.

JM none of this is fair, it's arguably one of the worst situations a person can go through. And I am again sorry.

We may sound harsh, but its because we're on your side 100%. We don't owe your wife anything. We just want you to hurt the least possible in this ordeal.

When my situation went down I got livid with friends that talked bad about my EXWGF, but only now with the healing power of time do I realize they were only that mad because of how bad I was hurting.

JM, I know it sucks. Your role has been to protect her and now, not only shouldn't you, you actually can't. You have been fired from your job of protector.

I still carry anger with me. I think it's partially because no one, my father or mother included, got angry on my behalf. I probably made it hard for them to do so since I had always tried to defend her. And she played the part of "timid forest creature" to perfection.

But because I didn't allow myself to feel that justified anger and no one would or could be angry for me, it just kicked the can down the road. The anger needs to be experienced, if not today, then tomorrow with interest.

[This message edited by healingroad at 4:17 PM, March 24th (Thursday)]

Oh JM, the loss of your best friend...... yes, that's exactly what hurts the most.

Me too.

It is the saddest, most devastatingly awful part of infidelity.

You said that what you want is irrelevant.

No, what we BSs want is NEVER irrelevant - the bugger is, that it probably doesn't coincide with what our WS wants.

Or not right now anyway.

The whole situation stinks.

Whilst you are getting great advice from people here who have walked in your shoes, we aren't you.

If you are feeling uncomfortable with any of the advice or name-calling here, the standard S.I. saying is "take what you need and leave the rest".

Strength and peace to you and your family JM.

MOB

Sounds like you are working on getting through each day as it comes. That isn't a bad thing, but it will prolong things.

Refresh memory: have you seen an attorney? Have you separated accounts? Have you gotten all your pertinent paperwork together?

For me, it helps me to do something concrete, have a list and check off my things to do. That way I don't feel like my wheels are spinning.

Be proactive. Meetings are great. Posting on here and getting support is great. Take the next steps you need to take for you to get out of the dreadful, painful situation you are in.

You are not being honest dude . P

I've had this sexual fantasy for awhile of watching my wife with another guy, or perhaps being in a threesome with her. It was a sexual scenario that played out in my head and turned me on.

I introduced this fantasy to my wife, hoping maybe we could experience some stuff together, the key word being "together". For awhile, the fantasy was really making things hot in the bedroom.

I woke up the morning of Nov 24th to find texts from my wife, saying she was going to "go for it" with the guy from work. I texted her right away, no answer. By the time she did respond, she said "too late".

She told me about what happened when she got home. Reality wasn't the same as fantasy. I struggled to sleep and eat for a few days. I think she loved the new adventure, I didn't. I didn't like how I felt.

I told her to end it, I didn't want to do it anymore. She said she did, but I knew she was frustrated because she thought it was something I wanted. I learned, not all fantasies need or should be played out in real life. I guess she had too much fun and kept seeing him. And so, she resented me for telling her about the fantasy, to give it a try, and now she doesn't respect me, but wants to be with the guy from work.

I opened Pandora's Box. Not a day goes by that I wish I didn't. So you see, this IS my fault. Maybe not all of it, but I'm not so innocent.

Thank you to the one who PM'ed me.

Those fantasies are quite common. But just because you played around with the idea you DID NOT give her permission to do it.

It should have been a calculated joint effort for both of you if you were going to open up your relationship.

She took it upon herself without asking you. "Too late" text, F*** that man. That is still cheating.

DO NOT blame yourself for this, she did this not you.

Your fantasy involved you being there with her and participating. That's not what she did. And she knows the difference. If she had asked your permission and received it in advance, or if you had been there with her, then that would have been another matter. And you are allowed to withdraw consent in any event. In other words, she cheated, and she's cheating.

It's my fault, believe me it's my fault. If I didn't express my fantasies to my wife, this never would have happened.

And now she wants a divorce after that 1 time. I feel like shit, because I am responsible for what happened.

Again, you were not responsible. She's a fully grown woman who knows what the boundaries were. She didn't ask your permission in advance. She did what she wanted without regard to your feelings.

We talked about this for the better part of a year, year and a half. We stressed to each other the importance of being completely honest and comminication.

I gave her a "Hall Pass", but it was supposed to be if she's out with friends and met someone, to let me know first. She used the hall pass. If I knew it was going to be with someone from work, there's no way I would think it's a good idea, seeing him every day.

She was still dishonest hiding everything from me, but none of this would have happened if I didn't open up to her about my fantasies.

Yes, and none of it would have happened if you hadn't ever met her. So what?

The point stands that she broke the contract, and worse, is blowing up the M. Stop taking responsibility for that. It's inappropriate and it's not helping you.

Is there something else? Because there's nothing I see here that adds up to the level of responsibility that you seem to reflexively grasp on to.