SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One thing you need to know. A separation is for trying her OM out full time with no interference.

IMO file without warning if she proceeds with the separation.

Don't put yourself in that longterm limbo. Then the clock is ticking and you are dealing with a position of strength.

Just because you file doesn't mean you can't slow it down or stop it later if her actions warrant it.

She's forced you into an open marriage on her end to do as she pleases. Is that what you signed up for?

Document all, your time with the kids and her running off leaving them with you.

Important with child custody later if needed.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 9:20 PM, May 8th (Sunday)]

As far as her calling and texting. Don't answer right away.

If you feel warranted don't answer at all.

It's not written anywhere that you have to.

Regarding not responding to all her texts, yeah I've already gotten to that point. For weeks now I've responded to only the ones that are direct questions. Sometimes I'll respond to other ones but not that often. Honestly I don't think she cares one way or the other. She is totally wrapped up in her own shit.

That's what cake eating is all about.

When is she due back?

It's time she got a real taste of life. Separate your finances and cut off all her personal funds.

Let her own her shit now.

Move her out of your room.

Have you thought about exposure?

Before I post my response, I really do need to address Chifrudo's comment. Quite honestly, I felt that it was a very unfair post to make. I'm very pro divorce, but I don't come here and label people who are Pro R as weak or codependent. Even though I don't agree with reconciliation in the least, I respect peoples choice to attempt to fix their marriages. I offer them the support that they need and don't throw them into two different camps like what was done in that comment. As what was stated, this is a very Pro R site. Thats fine, but its also part of the reason I don't post that often here because I'm afraid to be thrown in the bitter person camp who preaches divorce after cheating is revealed. Sorry for the rant, but I needed to address that comment.

OP, I know you are in a tough position. Sadly, there is no future with your wife as is. She's gone dude. Any women that would rather spend mothers day with someone else other than her children is sick in the head. Even though I'm very Pro D, I don't blatantly tell people to divorce their spouses. In this case, I'm going to make as exception. Your wife deserves a divorce. And quite honestly, I wouldn't be surprised that when its all said and done, your wife will be begging you for another chance. Why? Because there is no future with her AP. What 20 something male wants to raise another man's kids? Pretty soon the novelty of getting on with an older woman is going to wear off for him, especially when she becomes single. Don't be your wife's Plan B. If you do decide to go through with the divorce, then let that be it. No second chances. Sorry for derailing your thread with my first paragraph. I certainly do hope that everything works out for you and your children because you all deserve so much better.

Look you already know where she is and who she's with. Most betrayed when they get the separation speech have no idea and go with it because they are so desperate to R.

Of course so were you, you were patient, waiting for her to come around but you just emboldened her.

The separation thing is her way of compartmentalizing everything. I'm sure she feels guilty about being with OM over your head, being separated from the children so as long as she's separated she can play the I'm trying to work on my bad marriage but what I feel for you is so strong.

The typical bullsh*t lovesick puppy scenario. I bet it makes her feel like she's a teenager again but back then she had no family, her decisions didn't impact the family, her choices didn't have consequences for others.

With separation she gets to act this out, while trying the minimize the fallout, hence the calls about missing the kids.

She doesn't want to hurt you, but best believe she'll drive that truck right over you at the moment to get to OM.

The world doesn't want you to divorce. Divorce of a very real consequence of not getting the damage she's causing by very openly having a BF while being married.

Of course she doesn't have a plan moving forward. She's immature and she's playing it by ear. In her worst case scenario she moves in with OM. Separation was her long play, that way she gets to bang OM and be lovey dovey while staying in the house and staying married. No consequences. Again!

I'm guessing you finally had enough of her disrespecting not only you but the kids as well.

I'm sure she'll come home and tug on the heart strings trying to weasel her way out of this.

Time for real world choices to have real world consequences, not only for the family but most importantly you. Just her sheer disrespect towards you by doing this.

Good luck with the lawyer.

Infidelity is emotional terrorism and we all know that you can't negotiate with a terrorist.

Its time to storm the building and put an end to the standoff and rescue the hostages. Gear up and file for D.

never separate unless it is a separation pending divorce. Then you are just moving on. Separation for any other reason is just a hallmark card for the cheater to cheat more and uncontrolled.

While you are busy with your field trip, you can make a few calls and set up an appointment at least. Remember , it's progress every day. Get one task towards divorce done every day.

I am glad you drilled her with those questions. her answer "I don't know" is pathetic. She wants you to wait for her. Fuck that. It's like sitting there hoping that your attacker stops stabbing you without your fighting back. File asap !!

180 and pressure her to move out. Try to get a favorable custody arrangement pending divorce

The others are dead on about the separation. Trial separations are just for cheaters to give their new partners a test drive. We have seen it too many times here. Don't do it.

Just got a text from her talking about how much she misses the girls and how she'd like to call them tomorrow (she's taking a 3 day weekend with OM). It is literally taking all my willpower to not send her a reply back telling her that she wouldn't be missing them if she were here at home instead of spending the weekend with her OM.

DestroyedOne

I’m not sure if someone else has already said this or not, but save texts like this for future custody issues.

She's only been in this affair for the past four months, but she's been in meltdown since last Spring.

Makes you wonder if she has not been in this affair much longer or a separate affair.

Watching the WW in the fog of the affair is unreal, so irrationally wrapped up in themselves it is really close to seeing someone brainwashed.

Everyone around them tells them they are wrong, but they don't hear it. But when the OM tells them something, it is gospel.

You might want to do a background check on this OM, learn all you can about him, considering he could be around your children sooner or later.

DestroyedOne,

Just caught up with this thread, but I first wanted to say that I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, but am really glad for you that you are taking control of your life. As others have said, being proactive and decisive are paramount for healing, regardless of whether you choose the divorce or reconciliation route.

As you've now realized, the strong advice you've received to take action has not been about divorce per se, but more about getting yourself out of infidelity. Unfortunately, it seems your wife has opted out f your marriage. It takes two to reconcile and honestly, a tremendous amount of work by both parties. If the wayward spouse isn't willing, then nothing you do would help. As others have said - you cannot "nice" her back. It just doesn't work. I will say from personal experience that if my wife hadn't been remorseful from pretty much the get go, we would be divorced today. As it is, R is super hard with someone remorseful. Without it? It's f-ing impossible.

Regarding her reaction to your questions, this is normal. She hasn't thought that far ahead. She hasn't thought about the consequences of what she's doing and the impact it will have on her life. She's in the affair bubble where it's all rainbows and unicorns and there are no bills, kids, laundry, carpool, etc. What's sad is when you see someone you love go through this and become a different person than whom you married.

In the end, you're going to give her what she wants - OM. What she doesn't understand is that OM is not going to want her in a while. She's 41 and he's early 20's? Think when he's 33 and she's in her 50's he's going to stick with her? She's making her bed and it's kind of like a car accident that you can't stand to watch but also can't turn away.

Your best bet - don't be Plan B. Stay strong and be there for your girls. You're a dad. Do what's right for them. Part of that is making sure you heal so you can be strong and present for them. Getting yourself out of this mess is the first step toward that.

Best.

[This message edited by Walloped at 11:42 AM, May 9th (Monday)]

She is totally wrapped up in her own shit.

Yes. She is. And I hope you let that sink into your head, my friend.

If you stick around long enough, and your WW can get her head out of her ass, you might find out just how deep those issues of hers really are. In the meantime, keep in mind that the shit she's putting you and your kids through has absolutely nothing at all to do with you.

In a great many cases, I honestly believe that the WS just sort of "snaps." There's a conflict within them that they cannot, or will not, address and attempt to "fix," which eventually overrides "normal" human behavior and they begin a journey towards utter self-destruction.

The rare WS will recognize this immediately and take corrective action all on their own. Most require a few 2x4s; harsh doses of reality that cannot be ignored. Some, sadly, will never get it and never do the work to own and fix their own crap.

In just about every story I've read here, the only person who can motivate the WS to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror is the BS. This is exactly what I did with my fWW.

Maybe, just maybe, when your WW realizes what she's about to lose, and the devastation she's caused, a little light-bulb will go off in her head. Maybe. But so long as there's no need for that to happen, she'll keep own living "totally wrapped up in her own shit."

Ok this is a short post because I'm in the middle of getting myself and kids ready for the day. Just wanted to post a quick update, will post more later.

Gents your collective wisdom is downright scary. Last night after kids went to bed, we sat down by the fireplace and talked, and it went like it was according to a script or something. Immediate 180 on her part when I mentioned divorce. Promised to end it with OM in fact was (supposedly) already only giving it another 3 weeks at the most. Pretty lies or the truth...no idea. Said she was sick of living in an affair, that however things turned out between us she was done altogether with them because of the wreckage they caused. Her advice in future to friends will be: Either end it or fix things, were her words.

So I pressed. Position of confidence because internally I was ready to end it. Told her I'd rather live alone than live with someone who cheats/doesn't want me. She said she doesn't want to be single mom...again don't believe her yet but 180 from a week ago

Agreed to end it with OM and come to MC with me. Long convo but that's the gist. Don't believe her but no longer hopeless. Will post more later.

Edit she said 2 weeks not 3. Sorry

Must dos,

NC letter you verify or send.

Transparency on phone, PC, etc.

Cheaters lie a lot so you must verify.

MC if the affair is ongoing will be worthless.

If I were you STD testing mandatory, you don't know where this guy has been.

See what strength does for you? Now stay there.

Hope it works out but do not trust her at this time.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 10:57 AM, May 9th (Monday)]

^^^ I agree

maybe some exposure to gain you some support, Her parents your parents.

she could just slip back into the affair.

OM is not a co worker is he?

and by the 2 weeks (if she wants 2 more weeks to end it) tell her NO WAY.

This 2 weeks would be having some more cake and them scheming to take things underground.

[This message edited by convert at 11:33 AM, May 9th (Monday)]

OM is not a coworker, he's a guy she met while ATV-ing. I know, fking lame.

Re: exposure, evidently a couple of our mutual friends have been leaning on her to end it with this guy, they've been very clear with her about that. She admitted that to me last night. That was a surprise. Thought it was just me and the girls pulling for the marriage.

So now to press for NC letter and marriage counseling. Won't let up til it happens, old habits die hard.