SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Going back to your first post, you said that a lot of people will say something along the lines of "Fuck her, get divorced."

Yes, some will. But it is important to understand the reasoning and motivations of people who offer this advice. They fall into roughly two groups:

- Bitter people who are projecting their pain and would tell you to get divorced no matter what

- Thoughtful, experienced people who have been in your shoes and understand that the best way to get yourself out of this situation you don't want to be in (a one-sided open marriage) is to set clear boundaries and consequences for your wife

The first group isn't helpful so let me spend a minute explaining the advice of the second group. At the heart of the advice is that you are asserting your worth and making clear that you will not remain in a relationship with infidelity. A secondary benefit of following this advice is that it is often the best way to snap a WS out of the fog they are in and get then on the path to R, if that is what you want. So while you are not filing for divorce, doing the 180, etc. in order to get on the path to R, it does often work out that way.

I have no doubt that while you were an alcoholic you were a shitty husband and maybe an asshole. So how, exactly, does that give license to your wife to cheat? She had a lot of options including working on the marriage, ignoring you, and getting a divorced. Having an affair and expecting to stay in the marriage is not an option.

One more thing: I would steer clear of calling yourself a pussy, no balls, cuckold, etc. Have compassion for yourself and the very shitty situation are you in. Yes, you need to take action, but unless saying these things really helps motivate you (this is true for some people) it will mostly just drag you down and make you feel worse. And don't worry terribly about what others on this board think of you. I hope we can help, but you don't have to apologize or explain yourself to anyone on here.

Sorry, one more more thing: your therapist sucks donkey balls. Get another one.

Strength to you.

One of the posters seems to think that she's living with this guy. She's not. She's still living here. There's been talk of her moving out and she'll likely do so in the next month or so.

I'm not replying to each of your responses because a).I'm busy with my girls and b)oat of you are saying the same thing. Get a lawyer, file for divorce. I get what you're saying. I'm not saying that it doesn't make sense, just that up until a few days ago I was committed to waiting this thing out. I'm starting to see that this will never work...waiting it out I mean.

I did send her a couple of texts back saying that she wouldn't be missing the girls if she had spent the weekend with us, and that she's not going to talk to them while she's on her romantic weekend getaway on Mothers Day with OM. I know for you all having lived through bitter divorces that might not seem like much. But up until now I've been playing as patient of a role as I could manage, in the hopes that the affair would flame out and she'd come back. I know you will all say that is bullshit and I get that.

Right now I'm trying to focus on enjoying the rest of the weekend with my kids. When she comes back in Sunday night I might talk to her about it, might wait until Monday. But I've hit my limit and right now my brain is shifting to the next stage.

Part of your issue is she's had no consequences. She's with OM on Mother's Day. That tells you where she's at.

Then she comes back home and you allow her in your bed???? After she's been with OM. You really need to develope some respect for yourself. I guarantee you she has none for you and as a result has figured out she can rub your nose in it and do what she wants when she wants. Great life for her. She's a classic cake eater.

Move her stuff out of your bedroom and make her sleep elsewhere. Start the 180 and quit being her doormat. No one is going to fix this for you. You have to do it.

She put you in this hell but you are keeping yourself there.

But up until now I've been playing as patient of a role as I could manage, in the hopes that the affair would flame out and she'd come back.

Many affairs do flame out, but that could take at least 18 months of this. And it is rather unusual during an affair for the wife to actually take a romantic weekend with the OM.

Affairs can be waited out, but usually, those types of affairs are the type that have gone underground. Still living at home, telling the husband the affair is over, all the while it continues.

In your case, your wife is nothing short of flaunting this affair in front of you and your children.

This is where it is unusual, she isn't even trying to hide it.

Was there ever any type of agreement with your wife and you about having an open marriage?

If not, then she has taken it upon herself to have an open marriage, which is why I think telling her parents right now could help.

If you feel you want to wait this out, do not do it alone, or before you know it, things get worse.

How did she meet this OM?

[This message edited by craig2001 at 11:24 AM, May 7th (Saturday)]

When she comes back in Sunday night I might talk to her about it, might wait until Monday. But I've hit my limit and right now my brain is shifting to the next stage.

Talk to her? Why? Actions speak louder than words. Move her out of your bedroom before she gets back. Talk only about the kids go dark on everything else unless she drops OM and goes NC. However, he owns her now. You can talk and try nicing her back which never works.

In her mind OM is a real man because he takes what he wants. You are nothing to her at this time. You lay back and do nothing. I suspect they have plans for the future. OM will be raising your kids while you get some visitation.

Many here have been through this and know what works. Ignore the obvious if you want but you're the one who gets to pay for it. This affair is 100% on her. Good women don't do what she's doing. A good mother wouldn't do this to her children either. You need to wake up and see her for who she really is.

If you really want to wake her up. Do full exposure with out warning and let her deal with it.

It's your only weapon at his time. You are behind. Become a man and end this fiasco. Become a man and father your kids can be proud of.

You can do this.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 11:33 AM, May 7th (Saturday)]

Okay, first off Iam so sorry you are having to go thru this mess. You sound like a solid hard working guy that doesn't deserve this,no one does. Now Iam going to use the dreaded " TIME TO MAN UP PHRASE" for you, sorry if I offend you an anyone else here. Right now she has no respect for you. You've given her no consequences for her bad behavior, none. I may have missed this but is the OM married ? If so tell his wife or girlfriend. Don't tell the wife you are going to do this. Reread the advice WESTERN an Marc 878 gave you. Time to act. Stay strong.

Get strong and stay there. If you want to come out of this in the best shape you can.

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free off download.

Unhinged and Craig offer very good advice here. Unhinged handled his situation very well and took control. Craig is one of our very best posters here.

I would disagree with Chifrudo. I don't know a single poster here who has ill intent. Many often suggest divorce because reconciliation normally does not work and people lose valuable time in trying reconciliation when they can otherwise be healing. In cases where it does work, it takes a very long time. Just venture over to our reconciliation page and even just browse the titles. So many good people, so many trainwrecks in reconciling. A few work, many do not. Many suggest reconciliation even at the expense of someone who needs to bail out for their own sanity. Each person has their own opinions on how to handle the situation. I disagree with Chifrudo in that the first group doesn't help. Listen to everyone here. Those who favor divorce, those who favor reconciliation. Consider all options. Dismissing options only hurts you.

EVERYONE here helps. Everyone here advises based on their own experiences and what worked and what didn't. Everyone has your welfare in mind, some people believe in different approaches.

My concern with your situation, OP, is the fact that she continued this affair and in fact is doing it right in front of your face on a romantic weekend with the affair partner and acting like there's nothing wrong. There are IMO degrees of cheating and this is one of the worst forms. Yes, you were slow to come around. The fact you are here tells me that you are starting to come around.

The thing that is lacking is consequences. Again, as someone suggested here earlier, look at the different threads that are long and very recent. There are three here (JM72, Gary and Blink). All good guys, different ways of handling things and all headed towards the same result. I hate singling them out but I know these guys would want their story to help you. Handling a situation of infidelity decisively is the way to go. Look at the case of Whyme912. Doing nothing prolongs the pain and process.

The reason people are suggesting divorce is because you can't control her but you can control yourself and living under the same roof with an unrepentant cheater, let alone one who is so brazen about it, is not control. Divorce (at least filing initially) is one of the few tools at your disposal to retake control. Otherwise, you continue to be victimized.

NOW I AGREE WITH CHIFRUDO WHEN HE SAYS THAT SHE HAD A LOT OF OPTIONS BUT HAVING AN AFFAIR AND STAYING IN THE MARRIAGE IS NOT AN OPTION. CHIFRUDO IS EXACTLY CORRECT THERE.

I also agree with him that your therapist sucks. Wait it out ??? I've seen that bad advice somewhere, maybe marriage builders ???/ Don't wait anything out.

also Marc's advice is excellent. Jtom went through hell and knows his stuff as well and is top notch.

I will reiterate what Marc said

Talk to her? Why? Actions speak louder than words. Move her out of your bedroom before she gets back. Talk only about the kids go dark on everything else unless she drops OM and goes NC. However, he owns her now. You can talk and try nicing her back which never works.

I want to chime in and support Western's sentiments about the posters here. There is not a single poster on this site who hasn't experienced infidelity in some form or another. There are popular posters here who are the betrayed children of a marriage broken by infidelity. Every single one of us has a story to tell about infidelity in our personal lives. I do not think the type of poster in chifrudo's first category even exists here that isn't speaking from experience and those that have or have crossed lines with projecting their pain onto others have been reprimanded by the mods and even prevented from posting with repeat infractions. If none of us didn't have the unfortunate experience of infidelity in our personal lives, we wouldn't be here. Western is right in saying everyone's opinion deserves consideration given that they are coming from a place of experience even if that experience is only R or only D.

People only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. The only way change will come about is you shift the dynamics of the relationship.

In your case, I do not think your WW is sitting on the fence. She has already planted her standard on OM's side of the fence and your lack of action has only made her choice easier. Not to be overly harsh, but in the cold light of day, you are essentially a baby sitter who enables her to live the life she is living now. Essentially, you have two options. You can continue on the path you are on and your wife (I'm using that term loosely) will keep doing her thing. Option 2, you can slam on the breaks and bring this whole situation to a screaming halt. In order to take option 2, there are some facts that you must acknowledge.

1. Your WW's affair is not your fault. Not even a little bit. It is 100% on her.

2. Your WW has zero respect and love for you.

3. You can't control your WW's actions and thoughts, so do not even try. You can only control your actions and thoughts, so that is what you must focus on for the time being.

4. Your primary goal has to be to stop living in infidelity. The A must stop before you even consider R.

5. Reconciliation is a dance for 2 people. The only way they succeed is if they both want it and they are both willing to do the necessary work.

Once you have embraced these facts, moving forward becomes easier. In your shoes, I would pack a bag for your WW and meet her at the door when she tries to mosey back into your home on Sunday. I would calmly tell her that she made her choice (because choosing a weekend away with OM over spending mother's day with her own children is beyond disgusting), and now you have made yours. Offer her the bag and tell her she lives with OM now. If she accepts it and leaves, then good riddance because she hasn't been your wife for a while now. She will likely refuse however and that is OK, because the main goal is to unequivocally state that her A is unacceptable, and that you will no longer tolerate it.

You do however need to stop sharing a bed with her. You must be a stronger man than me because I could not stomach that. Ideally, you will be able to ask her to sleep somewhere else (another bedroom or couch or where ever really). By then you should have read up on the 180. Implement it to the best your ability. Do it for yourself to help you build up your strength because she has sapped you of that a lot.

Come Monday, go see a lawyer asap to find out your rights and obligations. Forewarned is forearmed. In your case, I would file for D right away. Essentially, you are holding on to the ruins of a marriage. Let them go. Whether being served will or won't knock her out of the fog is neither here nor there. You are doing it to reclaim some of your power. With a WW who so brazenly cheats on you, I would think R would be off the table completely, but that is your call to make. However, if you do decide to offer the gift of R down the road (and it is a gift) make sure you do so on your own terms.

Good luck and stay strong. Remember, people only treat us how we allow them to.

I did send her a couple of texts back saying that she wouldn't be missing the girls if she had spent the weekend with us, and that she's not going to talk to them while she's on her romantic weekend getaway on Mothers Day with OM.

Good job. Now, no more communications with her unless someone is seriously injured or dead.

thanks Nekonamida. I obviously agree.

If you can't bring yourself to file right now at least do a hard 180. You are not going to "win her back" by doing the Pick me dance. That has been proven again and again on these boards. A hard 180 (see in healing library) will help you to detach and allow her to see what losing you would be like.

Handling a situation of infidelity decisively is the way to go.

Western is absolutely right, my friend. It does require decisive action from a betrayed spouse.

Read "Understanding the 180."

Print it out.

Read it several times.

Read it every few days.

This was one piece of advice I followed and it worked wonders.

If you don't want to be in an open marriage, tell you wife you don't want to be in an open marriage. Start packing her bags for her, right in front of her. Tell her if she wants to be with this guy then she can no longer be with you. It's really quite simple. I know it hurts like hell and you're terrified that she'll finish packing those bags and show you her backside as she walks out of the door and of our your life.

Brother, we all understand that pain, that fear and the absolute devastation that it brings upon us and our families.

Most of the time, man, when I read in the JFO forum, which is very rare, I'm not the least bit interested if some newly arrived BH files for divorce and bolts immediately or desperately wants to reconcile with their WW. The only thing I want is for you to stand up for yourself and create that life that you want... for you!

I believe the vast majority of people can survive infidelity and create for themselves the life the want. If that's divorced, great! If that's reconciled, great! So long as we can all be honest with ourselves and take responsibility for our own lives...

You are responsible for your own happiness, brother. If being married to a cheater, or living in an open marriage, ain't puttin' a grin on your chin... man... it's time for a change.

I think you will find, deep down within you, a level of courage you didn't think you had. We all find it, in the end. "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." (FDR)

Don't let fear hold you back, brother. Take decisive action. Call her up. Tell her this is unacceptable. It's the not the kind of life or marriage you want, for you or for you girls (gone on Mother's Day... jezz!).

Lot's of people will advice you to file for a divorce not because they're hoping you'll actually get divorced (some might, I don't really know). What they do know is that the moment your WW has to face real life consequences for her actions, that's the game is up, she will be forced to make a choice. Until she makes that choice, brother, you're in limbo hell... and that's the worst of all places to be.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 5:06 PM, May 7th (Saturday)]

I know for you all having lived through bitter divorces

[This message edited by wk55hn at 5:50 PM, May 7th (Saturday)]

I can think off the top of my head about 20 posters here who acted decisively, as per Western, who reconciled. I am one of them. Decisiveness is, in my opinion, the single most important action you can take to save the marriage.

I can't remember a single one that reconciled by "waiting it out." I'm not exaggerating. Not a single one. Don't take my word for it, see if you can find one.

Every single reconciliation comes to a point of decisiveness. Again, find one here who reconciled if you can't find one. I don't know if any of them floundered as much as you have, but some have been at least close, but if they reconciled, they eventually made a strong decision to not stay with a cheater.

Go look on the wayward forum. Not the most recent ones are a bit of the blind leading the blind, but if you look back at some of the older ones, you will see more than a few who said they only ended their affair and came back to their spouses when the spouse finally put their foot down. Again, read it for yourself.

I know that even though all of our situations are slightly different, there are enough similarities that when I say, "But here's why I'm different!" most of you will just roll your eyes and laugh.

But here's why I'm different! A little over two years ago, I went into AA and sobered up. I completely turned my life around. I've done everything I could to re-invest in my life. I'm more committed to my kids, my job, my health, and my marriage than at any time that I can remember. And sometime over the past two years, I fell back in love with my wife.

Yes, I see. You are more in love and committed to your wife and family than I am. There are not too many posting here like that, committed and loving their spouses and kids.

chifrudo could probably tell you which of the posters who are bitter and which of the ones who are are thoughtful. I think he is in charge of keeping the list, so ask him.

Jesus Christ this is some hard wisdom you are slinging in here. But it's exactly what I needed to hear. I can feel myself turning a corner. It's been so long that I've even let myself think about what I deserve.

Who is the guy she is cheating with ?

is he married ?