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So, your stbxw is angry she was discovered by her children doing what she shouldn't have been doing with a married man she shouldn't have been doing anything with.... and she's blaming the kids for telling you. Well, of course. It wouldn't occur to her that her children might be upset that she's still involved with a married man and would tell you. It likely wouldn't occur to the stbxw that her children are still trying to make sense of all this crap and look to YOU for guidance. Your children know what she's doing is wrong. They see their mother's behavior as out of line and, I'm SURE, trying to figure out how to love and respect a mom who would cheat, cheat with a married man at their school, blow up her family because of her affair, why she would prefer the company of the OM to spending time with her own children.... oh, yeah, gee, wonder why they would say something to you. I will NEVER understand how a cheating parent is willing to screw over their own kids in favor of screw time with their AP. I know, they do it all the time, but I'll never understand how they can do it and live with themselves. She'll be complaining next that her children don't respect her. Duh. Don't beat yourself up over this, Blink. You didn't create this storm; she did. And don't be afraid to remind her of it when she starts in on you. (((( ))))

I personally think you've done enough for the other man's wife. She decided to go and stay with a cheater, and if she continues, then caveat emptor. It's not your job anymore.

I also think you should have a talk with the superintendent and the president of the local board of ed, and then followup with a letter, about not wanting the other man to talk to your daughter. I suggest specifically mentioning that your daughter caught him in romantic poems to your soon-to-be-ex-wife, and that he is the reason for the divorce, and now that your daughter told you and you told other man's wife, so you don't want other man to punish your daughter in any way, even to influence other teachers negatively. I also suggest that you don't trust other man to be "fair" and "honest," since he has cheated repeatedly on his loyal wife and even continued to contact your wife after he has been found out. So he is not an honorable person, and certainly not a person a developing adolescent should look up to.

Because fuck him, and you know, these slimeballs like him, if you give them the rope, they usually do the rest on their own. If you turn up the heat with him, you will see how quick he unravels.

The poem was about "desire" - sex - not about what a wonderful good woman your wife is, how much she loves him, and why he will openly leave his wife to live an authentic life with a true honest partner. No, it's just sex. I guess that's more important than his family, his kids, and his career.

So sorry your kids have to deal with this and that your Ex is blaming everyone but herself and her actions. They are going to end up with no respect for her what-so-ever. You can tell they don't trust her... I don't think they can help investigating what she is up to. You son found OM info on her lap top and now Lust poems on the phone.... They see this relationship as what killed their parents marriage.

Don't kick yourself too much about not waiting to tell. Your kids will be home with you safe soon and you can continue to talk to them about how it was the right thing to do and that they did nothing wrong.

Do you think you will hear from OBS again or that she will continue to be manipulated. The fact that they ran off together to cover their tracks after the confrontation does not bode well for OBS marriage if it continues.

Has your WW been keeping to the the 50/50 split and taking care of the kids needs? Pick-ups, drop-offs... being home with them? I can't help but think her reaction and the neglect may bite her in the butt when custody decisions come around again.

Blink, I think it might be time to go nuclear. You should probably go to your attorney and discuss a restraining order for the kids. Have copies sent to the school and all board members.

Protect your kids.

[This message edited by 5454real at 8:05 AM, September 9th (Friday)]

Blink, I think it might be time to go nuclear. You should probably go to your attorney and discuss a restraining order for the kids. Have copies sent to the school and all board members.

Because fuck him

This. x2

mblink, I totally agree with wk55hn's suggestion that you now take the matter to the school principal and then to the superintendent about the OM harassing your daughter. They have a responsibility to maintain a safe learning environment for the kids and OM approaching your daughter regarding personal matters outside the school is HIGHLY inappropriate and also to be construed as a threat to your daughter's well being in that school. This could be ground's for his termination.

Like 5454real said, time to go nuclear on this OM's ass. Get your lawyer involved on this pronto. If OM loses his job, tough shit for him AND tough shit for the OBS for not ratcheting up consequences. IF she is smart about her situation she would already have a plan in place for when her husband gets canned from the school district. If not, oh well.

It's time to legally bitch slap the reality into your STBXW and the OM.

the kids are more mature than the both of those dipshits. I think it's completely outrageous they both have the nerve to bring the kids into it. He should be canned from that school IMMEDIATELY...and I'd make damn sure this is all documented in detail for custody purposes. I could see a judge stripping custody over this incident alone.

Brining this drama into school? Hellll no !!

I just contacted the lawyer to get her recommendation for keeping him away from DD while she is in school. We'll see what she says to do.

Great follow up mblink. Hope the lawyer can get something in motion today.

Good move.

And please continue to provide (the opportunity for) therapy for the kids. Best wishes!

Hi mblink,

I read back through some of the posts, but it's unclear to me what the role of OM is at the school... does he work there, or is he a parent of another child? Or both...

Because if he works there, then I do believe you definitely should raise the issue with the administration. It's up to them to decide what to do with that knowledge, but you can ask them to remove him for all the obvious reasons (lack of integrity, putting selfish needs ahead of the well being of the children, and your concern that he may retaliate either consciously or subconsciously against your children, and for him willingly creating a bad school environment for you and your children).

My stbxww's OM was our son's preschool teacher from the previous year. It took me a month after d-day (and about 2 weeks after joining SI) to finally take the issue to the administration. It has been the 100% *best* action I've taken to reclaim the safe boundaries for me and my son post d-day. Of course stbxww didn't want me to do it (yeah, I made the potential mistake of discussing it with her first... at the time I was hoping for R and was trying to keep communication open). But ultimately I followed through with my ultimatum (he either resigns immediately, or I contact the administration).

He wasn't fired, but he was removed from my life and my son's life and that's fine.

He was given a choice:

a) resign immediately

b) take a demoted position at another campus with less pay and more hours

c) do nothing and face getting fired after a round of disciplinary hearings/procedures/etc.

Ultimately, he opted for (b). He was also generally banned from entering our campus.

Meanwhile my stbx is still fairly active volunteering at the school... I seriously don't know how she can interact with the people who know what happened. I know if I were her, I'd probably avoid the situation, but then again, I would probably feel deeper shame (and of course, I'm not her).

Back to the thread... if he's a parent / volunteer / etc., it still may make sense to let the administration know that you have concerns about his interaction with your children at the school.

She told them the following.

The texts were from her lawyer, they were actually copies of texts from my phone to someone I was texting while we were married.

Kids know better.... the copied down the number. Both are very uncomfortable with the fact that continues to lie to them and the fact that he is in their life.

He is a teacher and boys basketball coach at my daughter's high school. She does not have a class with him. But does have gym right beside him. His son is in the same middle school and class as my son. Additionally, his son would be on my middle school basketball team this year.

In a typical small town scenario... the middle school principal, it is a private school, is the president of the school board. My uphill battle with outing him is that he just won a state championship and his father is a local legend basketball coach. The family nAmerican is well known and respected. The school board knows me well, I ran unsuccessfully for a position. I'm a regular at the meetings, etc.

[This message edited by mblink at 3:22 PM, September 13th (Tuesday)]

In terms of "outing" him, it's really not about retribution or punishing him. It's about defending/establishing your boundaries and what is acceptable to you. And since you are in the process of D, it's really about making sure school is a safe place for your children and you.

The school may do nothing with your complaint, or they may in fact have other "issues" with him and this could be the straw that breaks the camels back, so to speak.

Mainly, I think you should calmly tell the administration that you have concerns with him and your children, why you have these concerns, and expect that they will take action to alleviate these concerns. You can add you would prefer that he is let go or resigns.

Even if they do nothing (rugsweep, etc.) you at least have established what is acceptable for you. Easier to look the asshole in the eye if/when you see him. Also, if you talk in person, I would followup with an email confirming the content of the discussion, just so there's something in writing/electronic form.

Good luck!

My uphill battle with outing him is that he just wondering a state championship and his father is a local legend basketball coach.

Ask the principal/president of school board if he ever heard of Joe Paterno.

The texts were from her lawyer, they were actually copies of texts from my phone to someone I was texting while we were married.

Wow! What a bold face evil lie to the kids. Trying to make it sound like you were having an affair while she carries on with OM. Since your kids found the message and know they came from OM's phone number I'm guessing they don't believe her in the least. The damage these lies are doing to their image/respect for her. How can she expect to tell the kids not to lie, cheat, or blame others for their mistakes when she is doing just that every chance she gets. I feel so bad for your kids...but know they have a strong father that really cares about them.

I'm guessing this is the lie that OM and she came up with together. Extremely evil way to twist things around. Hope OBS doesn't fall for it.

Kids and technology go hand in hand, they know the ammount of bullshit she said to them.

She told them the following.

The texts were from her lawyer, they were actually copies of texts from my phone to someone I was texting while we were married.

Still can't believe she tried this. Did the kids call her out on it or ... let it go. Can't blame them either way.

Is she getting better at pick-ups, drop-offs and making time for the kids when she is at home? Or is Grandmother still doing a lot of the work?

Did OBS believe their "text" story? Have you heard from her since?

The kids just let her lie. They had the proof and didn't rock the boat at her house.

The stbxmil is still the go to for taking them to school, practice,etc. My stbxw picks them up from school on her days.

I didn't hear from the other betrayes spouse since that day. I saw her friday at local doctor office and pharmacy. She same first and came over to me. From that conversation.......I believe that here head is buried in the sand she didnt speak of the relationship but talked about healing and moving on, her kids and mine. She hugged me and seewent our separate ways. I saw her on my say out and went back over to her. Hugged her and told her thatshe deserves better And if she needed anytbing please let me know. She was upset and didnt say anything. At this point, I don't know what else I can tell or show her. Her marriage is not my business. My marriage is over and the only actions by my stbxw are knees that affect my kids.

On a positive note,stbxw did allow my son to go with me to a football game today. We sat in the rain but it was a good time. Best part was him telling me to drive slower kb the way home. He want ready to go back there. When we did arrive.... DD was outside waiting on us and hugged anx kissed me. Then told me to hurry out of there because mom was coming out

OBS is in denial. Nothing you can do. I wouldn't involve myself in it again.