SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

2 X 4 warning...

I guess it comes down to three choices. Leave, somehow get to forgiveness, or just slog along like I have been doing.

Bullshit.

It sounds like you haven't done much thinking about how to heal so far; you're without hope. I understand that, but there is hope, if you do some work.

Frankly, from what you write, I think you're still in the JFO stage, even though you're 45 years out. So start from the beginning.

I urge you to find the thread in the WS forum called something like 'What Every WS Needs to Know'. Read it, and look for points that resonate with you. It'll help answer your W's question about what she can do to help you heal.

But make no mistake - you heal you; your W can't do that for you.

Look at the JFO threads like 'Good posts for newbies to read', 'Before you say R', the threads on boundaries, etc.

Check out the Healing Library (link is in the yellow box, upper left of SI pages).

Find a copy of NOT "Just Friends" and/or After the Affair.

I suggest you read about the Drama Triangle (karpmandramatriangle.com, for example - citation OKed by mods).

So far, you describe yourself as taking on the Victim role in a Drama Triangle. You'll never get out of your funk unless you get out of the DT.

You'll never get out of your funk without working on yourself. Consider IC - and if you choose not to look for a good IC, you'll know you are where you want to be. If that's so, accept it is your conscious choice. It's a choice you can make, and you can hold your head high.

But there's a lot more to life than you're letting yourself have. Do the work. Survive and thrive.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:52 PM, June 8th (Wednesday)]

No offense taken with the 2 X 4, but I have thought long and hard about this. Probably too much. I will check out the reading you have suggested.

As for being a victim, big yes and big no. The no being that I shut this down really hard. I left no room for either of them to think about anything without blowing their world to smithereens. The only thing I didn't do right was expose. Since then, I have really lived my life to the fullest. Best shape ever, doing things that I want to do. From day 1 I took control. So not moping around in a woe is me world.

The yes is I am a victim and am still pissed. How do you ever forget?Its a little strange as I really don't hold grudges for the most part, but in this case its really hard to let go. I am a little hesitant to go the IC route. MC was so bad and did more damage than not going. Feel like I will be paying 125 an hour for someone to tell me to get over it.

To those who have said to expose to children and other spouse, you are right I should have done that. She especially would have known. But now it would just blow up my wife world and I am really not looking for that to happen.

@waitedwaytoolong - given your last post I'd say find a good therapist then and learn to swallow the injustice. You are suffering alone with no support system - you need a support system.

I still think the OM's wife has a right to know and your wife should help you let her know - if she were truly remorseful. I think she is more worried about keeping her situation than your healing to be honest.

I do wish yo luck.