I guess, like most; yes, I'd like to heal fast(er) than I probably will. But, I'm not naive. I know there will be ups and downs. We had a 'down' last weekend when some information came out about a financial decision he made (long story/inheritance) last year. He had told me he "didn't know what he was signing', when he DID know, and it was to protect HIM from ME getting his inherited property if we got divorced. It hurt tremendously that he was planning for the event of a divorce when I had no idea anything was wrong. He got defensive and just plain awful to deal with about it each time we have brought it up now. And, he's been in a REALLY BAD MOOD since then. Actually, it's helped bring him to a point where he realizes he needs IC. He has a lot of anger inside. He's always been open to the idea, but never acted on it. He will now, and it will also help him address the 'men' situation.
And, yes, my anger came out again, and I said some things about him having the affair that I haven't said in awhile, causing him to say "we're back to square one".....he's been SO negative.
I know for a fact that he hasn't done anything sexual outside the home since Dec 2017, so at least that's ok for now. (I've been using 'find my iPhone' for awhile now. I'll stop soon. He's been where he's supposed to be every time since I started April, 2018, so I guess I'll need to start trusting him soon.)
And, yes, he knows about SI. it's up on my computer screen most of the time (but, he hasn't read anything I haven't invited him to read). We're pretty open about things for the most part. Until this last thing, we've gotten where we can talk calmly about the affair and just about anything that goes along with it......without any problems. Just not about this financial thing.
We're trying to work on communication. We've finished one communication in marriage book together, and we're starting a workbook.
When he got so defensive (all 4 times now), O thought there was more to it. That's why I wondered why he got so upset about this. I asked him if he protected himself financially any other way & he said he didn't, so the only reason I can think of the defensiveness is that he felt guilty once again about lying. I explained again to him this is how much damage a lie can do. It turned our world back upside down.
Even during all of this, I've reevaluated my thinking on forgiving him, and that has NOT changed. I may be angry and hurt right now, but I've still forgiven him.
I've never had a desire for revenge or punishment, thank goodness.
And, yes, he's changed from betrayer to good partner most of the time, but I do think he's white knuckling it some of the time. I've felt like he's having to "try" too hard.. I sure hope he doesn't linger on calling the IC.
I'll check out the link you provided. Thanks
Thanks, and hope things go well with your condo situation!
added: I don't know why I haven't looked at the Healing Library until now. I've been searching & reading all i can get my hands on, and this has been right here all the time. My printer is going & going. I have a lot of reading to do. thanks again
[This message edited by SusanneH at 12:33 PM, October 25th (Friday)]