SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh yeah forgot to mention... we agreed to dispose of the diary unceremoniously.

I drove to one of the parking lots where she use to hook up with him in the back of his car. I'd never seen it, only read about. It was a small dingy gravel lot. Pretty low class as far as parking lots come...=) I asked her to throw it in the garbage can and she did.

I don't think I have previously mentioned here that about a month ago my wife met up with one of her friends that was in the know of her attraction for this guy. They met with kids at the playground adjacent to the parking. I imagine she even parked in the lot. I was quite angry with her for choosing this spot to meet. Her response, "it was for the kids'. After a long conversation revisited over several days about the insensitivity of going to this particular parking lot, she finally capitulated and admitted it was a mistake to be so insensitive. Let alone with this particular friend. Further justified, that her friend was responsible for picking the location.

I am still remarkably serene even still. I will be staying with a friend starting Thursday and viewing a couple of properties for rent the following weekend. 4 more nights at home. I have to remember the 180. There is a lot to still sort out.

It sounds like you still are at square one.

I think it is the worst when she keeps claiming she wants to work it out with her WORDS and even some inconsistent actions, but then you find out she is still lying.

It starts to feel like a game, she sees if she can hide it and you see if you can catch her.

And then she gives you sincere statements how she wants you and not him, then lie upon lie upon lie.

She deleted the phone call within whatsapp but didn't realize their was a record in her regular call log.

Right after I discovered the call, she was saying "obviously I wanted to get caught, I just left it there to be discovered". Yet more lies.

So I asked her how was I every going to believe what she says. She didn't know other than "I just needed to trust her"

What I wonder sometimes is how much of the lies DIDN'T you ever find? How many other messages did you miss? How many hookups? And maybe there were ZERO other messages and NO hookups, but at some point, how could you believe ANYTHING? And she seems like she is in la-la land, completely ignorant of how normal people would react to this kind of continual lies and betrayals.

The affair does not end the marriage, the lies afterward do.

I discovered my wife was having an affair with her best friends husband since Dec 3 2015.

My wife was in the middle of the affair and as she put it 'I discovered it when things were really good between her and him'.

It became clear ... that she wasn't 100% committed to our marriage and ... I asked her to move out when we got home. She spent one night in a hotel and said the next day that she was now 100% and that she couldn't stand being away from the family.

she initially resisted. She ended her relationship with him on May 10 (although it was done inappropriately and given the sense that the door was still open on the relationship). She has since shared some text messages with him in secret on non sexual topics and spoke to him once to let him know his exwife (my wifes best friend) knows about the affair.

she really liked his body and was doing these things cause he asked her to and she wanted to please him and that she liked him a lot.

I also read to my wife the last number of passages from my blog here. She doesn't know the website.

Her reaction: Do they know the whole story. Do they know the part you played in the marriage breaking down.

Well I must admit I've felt guilty at times since first telling my story here. That I have by nature only focused on my wife's transgressions.

So for the record, I have not been a perfect husband. I have never had an affair but I haven't always treated my wife well, as she hadn't treated me all that well either. We've always in some ways had an adversarial relationship and found it hard to work as a team. Arguing has always been part of our relationship. I have struggled with depression and alcoholism. Until more recently, my alcoholism has been more about binge drinking and staying out to the wee hours of the morning with guy friends. While tempted, I never touched another woman. My wife doesn't drink and this fact has created challenges in our relationship. A couple of beers was viewed as excessive by her and she would let me know. Earlier this year my drinking took a turn for the worse and I have stopped drinking on my own accord April 20. I am sure my wife would site my drinking as something that pushed her away from me and into this other mans arms.

I have battled with porn addiction, partially cause I wasn't getting it from her.

I often drank to close of the bars and then headed to the casino to play poker to the dawn. This was before children, but nonetheless, my wife has bad memories of this time. She would call me wondering where I was and I would lie. I would tell her I'd be home in an hour and 2-3 hours later I was still there. I would often head down to a hockey game early telling her I was meeting a friend for dinner when really I was going to play poker, sometimes with a friend, sometimes alone. I am a decent poker player and played low stakes, but gambling scared her. To be clear during this time gambling would happen once every 2-4 weeks and was not a regular thing.

I have battled depression since late in high school. She admittedly has never understood what this means for me. Her being a personal trainer, she's always thought that if I just went to the gym regularly my depression would go away. Wants comes with my depression sometimes is anger amongst other emotions, which hasn't exactly enhanced our relationship.

We have had a good times.

If anything I hope I've learned from this experience and take the knowledge into my next relationship.

I just had a sobering phone call with my mother.

She called me on my BS. That's the BS where I still think there could be a way forward for this marriage even after moving out. "Matt, the marriage is over."

Realistically there could be a way forward but both of us will have to change dramatically. If that happens, and we still are interested in each other there's a chance. I think the odds are very long on this outcome. I must plan for the other most likely outcome, that we will never be together again.

bed, you have done some bad shit, but let's face it, you also took care of your responsibilities, too. You have some vices.

I understand her unhappiness with some of it. But this is out in the open at this point and has been for a while.

She also did stuff now, she had an affair. And she is still doing it. If she claims otherwise, there is no proof one way or the other, so what are you to believe if all she does is lie about it, every single time you ask something new you found out, first thing out of her mouth is a lie?

Now that you've confessed to your vices, past and present, what does she say about the whole situation? Does she say that the marriage should continue? If so, why does she think you should keep putting up with the continued cheating and lies? Telling her "you just have to trust" is ridiculous, it is like her telling you just don't bleed when she cuts you.

Bedman, don't fall for the okie-doke. You can't allow her to put any blame on you for the decisions she made. She is a grown woman who made a conscious decision to run around with another man. She has only 2 real choices, and it would do you well to acknowledge that you can't control what her choice will be. You can only control how you react to the choice she makes.

So, back to the 2 choices. She can either;

1. Be 100% honest and transparent with you 100% of the time. Work her tail off to understand why she did what she did so that she never finds herself in this position again. Proactively go out of her way to help you heal and make you feel somewhat safe in your marriage. Be understanding of your pain.

Or

2. She can continue lying to you in order to try to save her own ass. Blame you for her shitty decision to have an affair. She can coast along hoping you eventually forget the affair and everything goes back to "normal". Do no work on herself to become a better person, and just hope you accept your new reality.

Those are her only two reasonable choices. She will pick what she will pick, and that is something you have no control over. You do however control how you deal with her choice. If she is choosing option 2, then you must seriously ask yourself what you are fighting for, because option 2 means 0 remorse. If she is still blaming you for her decisions, then you are wasting your time for now. Good luck OP.

Does your mother have a decent intellect, know the situation at least as well as we do, and have your best interest at heart?

Aye you were definitely to blame for your drinking etc. That didn't cause her to jump on another man's ****. The two things are utterly separate.

It's time to MAN UP on this marriage, her shit, your shit and life. I have spent this whole day of my life reading your story. I'm so saddened by it ALL. I thank you for opening up yourself to your side of things...it's called responsibility. I think you have grown in the core of these few horrible months.....

She, on the other hand called her AP. I think it is time to........fill in the blank......

what exactly do you want and what is your gameplan going forward ?

what exactly do you want and what is your gameplan going forward ?

Actually bad marriages make it through this at a much higher rate than good marriages.

Your mom is correct, your marriage is over. You can make a new one. You have to forgive each other and yourselves.

I have been at work most of the weekend getting caught up on things. Today is a holiday in Canada for Thanksgiving. When I got home last night my wife wanted to talk and seemed genuinely shocked that I was following through with moving out. She wanted to talk it out. I indulged her until I started falling asleep around 10:30 when we both went to our respective bedrooms. She asked if I would join her upstairs. Did I want a massage. Did I want a BJ! Oh wow that's a good one. I declined. I explained to her several times that the marriage was over.

I had a great sleep and woke at 8am. My wife surprisingly slept into 9:30 and asked to speak shortly after rising. She informed me that she was up until 2:30 am reading this blog! She said it all made sense now with the approach I was taking. She was taken aback by what people were saying about her and the influence they were having on me. I explained that there are actually a lot of diverse opinions, that these people had no vested interest in telling me lies and that I had a brain and could decide on my own what advice to listen to and what to discard. She then went on to say she was upset that I had given so many details about us, like her being a personal trainer and her AP being a local celebrity. I told her that was rediculous that there was hardly enough for a thumb nail sketch let alone for anyone to piece the story back to her and I. She did have one thing positive to say, complimenting me on my writing skills! I then told her that this was my private and confidential account of whats happened and that she shouldn't tell anyone about this blog. I am not sure if she agreed or not. She didn't object to any of my recount of what's happened. If anything I've been more generous than not to her. Its the fellow community here that have had the harshest things to say, for just reason.

Safe to say she will have seen this post at some point which is okay with me. I have nothing to hide at this stage.

She was taken aback by what people were saying about her

Cheaters are usually taken aback by the truth.

She then went on to say she was upset that I had given so many details about us

No one likes having their dirty laundry exposed. But in your initial post did you not say that your close friends and social circle already know about the affiar?

I then told her that this was my private and confidential account of whats happened and that she shouldn't tell anyone about this blog. I am not sure if she agreed or not.

I am pretty sure she will not tell anyone about your posts, unless she wants everyone to know that she did:

things that she had never done or said to me. She let him ejaculate in her face. She let him cum in her mouth. She gave him repeated BJ'S. She told him over and over again that he had the perfect penis. She let him cum inside of her and do positions we never did. Shes confirmed all of this to be true and that she really liked his body and was doing these things cause he asked her to and she wanted to please him and that she liked him a lot.

So by default, she did not like you a lot, nor want to please you.

I agree with your mother, this marriage is dead. Time to focus are being good co-parents. I would suggest to take the lead on teaching them about ethics and morality.

LOL.

She's upset at you for talking about her cheating and unremorseful behavior?

Yeah, you're the bad guy for talking about her fucking an other man.

The cheater mindset. Hilarious.

OMG? She cheats on you, and all she cares about is her reputation??? Clueless. She knows what she is, it starts with a W, ends with E, and has H-O-R in the middle.

No regret, certainly no remorse.

Bedman you are making good choices for you.

That is what matters, not her "reputation".

Pure cheater speak.

Best wishes

She let him ejaculate in her face. She let him cum in her mouth. She gave him repeated BJ'S. She told him over and over again that he had the perfect penis. She let him cum inside of her and do positions we never did. Shes confirmed all of this to be true and that she really liked his body and was doing these things cause he asked her to and she wanted to please him and that she liked him a lot.

There are just some things that cannot be un-read and un-heard. Many times during the fantasy of an affair, things are said stupidly, but what your wife did with this OM and for the reasons she really liked him, almost sounds like she has some sort of sexual issues, maybe going back to childhood.

Maybe she uses sex to soothe some internal turmoil.

As for your wife, I wonder how she would feel if the situation were reversed and she had read all of these things that you did with another woman. I wonder how she would feel and react.

She seems to think it was no big deal, and that again indicates some sort of mental issues.

Yes owning up to her shit is not a priority. Saving face is. My wife tried the same thing . First it was I didn't want to hurt you further ,then it was " I don't want people to think badly of me". Total bs . She didn't want to see the damage that she caused. Her reputation and her concerns about me walking out were a result of her fucking someone else, all her choices.

Well I am done with her disrespect. I am moving out for good today and moving toward divorce.

Her father is going away for 6 weeks starting Oct 20 and I asked her to move out and stay at his place during this period. I told her that these past 5 months were a gift to her to allow her to save the marriage and she has been ungrateful for this gift. Her leaving for this 6 weeks was the least she could do given what she did to.me and the family. She said she would not leave her children and I said how do you think I feel. She said she wasn't asking me to leave and I could live in the basement. I said that was unacceptable to.me and the marriage would have to end.

I am meeting with a lawyer on Friday to move forward with divorce. I have read that adultery is grounds for immediate divorce in Canada. I hope she will recognize the least she can give me is a quick relatively uncontested divorce. I plan to be fair.

We had a talk on Wednesday morning. She asked in my heart do I think it's over and I said yes. She asked in my head do I think it's over and I said I think there's a small chance thismarriage could survive. It reminded me of something I have felt and said several times about her. That it's like she wants to hear me say the marriage is over so she can have a pity party about it instead of saying 'No I won't let this happen!'and doing something about it. It's becoming clear to me how lazy she is with dealing with our marriage both now and in the affair. And throughout the whole marriage!