SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

or show up to the mc but also see a laywer. then skip the next session and have her served with papers while shes at the session waiting for you.

Sorry you are here, bedman.

I was going to respond on page 8 or so that you were not in a REAL "R" yet. She's either still in some fog or is just done with you. It takes a long while for that fog to life. I was warned, others here have been warned. You are early into this nightmare phase. Many of us have.

The books don't work until the WS is ready to read them. Same with MC.

re-Read the advice that you were given last month.

Buy the VAR! Or use an app on your phone. But a VAR can be hidden. Get the SONY, its about $40.

Why? WS are liars and not thinking straight, they can do unpredictable things. Document and record everything. She MAY say you HIT her or who knows what. Record her lies or anything she says, as it allows you to play back later to clarify things... you might have heard wrong.

My VAR has come in handy a lot of times. Like when I took my WW phone and left, she had to use a house line and I heard that conversation and was able to use it to my advantage when she tried to bluff me. When she attacked me, I had a VAR - and it recorded things I didn't even remember.

There are stories where the waywards go nuts, when you have evidence, etc. If you still have that diary of hers, its evidence.

If in the future, you can do an R with her, the book to get is "Not Just Friends", which you should read for yourself at least.

Get her served papers, get your house back and custody as well. Good luck.

We spoke for 2 hours last night. I told it was over and that I would be moving forward in life. She said she didn't know why she couldn't give me what I was asking. She conceded like she has before when the world is closing in on her that she knows what I need but can't bring herself to do it. And then a text this morning saying she had deleted those friends from FB. She told me last night she had already gotten rid of the sweaters. I of course asked why she didn't give them to me as I had requested. IT sounds like she's put them into safe keeping in case things don't work out between us she can then start wearing then again. I asked her to transfer me all of the money she earned from him. That hasn't happened yet. I am sure she is thinking if things don't work out she needs that money despite it being both our money's. It's her bag of tricks tease me with signs of R bit I know she will reverse course once I show interest again.

Is their a VAR app for android or is it stock software. I have a Samsung note 4.

I've decided to show up an hour late for the MC session and just text her to get started without me.

I have an appt with a psychiatrist on Thursday. Anybody have a suggestion (not a recommendation) for which medication to use for severe depression and anxiety.

I have to tell my boss today I am not likely to make the deadline. I had less than 4 hours of sleep last night. I am concerned I don't tell her too much about what's going on for me but at the same time having her understand my situation . I also don't want to take time off as I desperately need something to do during the day.

Inform the boss immediately. They should understand.

Never be anyone's doormat.

Good luck to you.

NO, a VAR is not an APP. Its a device.

Voice Activated Recorder. Recommend the $55+ SONYs.

https://www.amazon.com/Digital-Voice-Recorders-Audio-Video/b/ref=dp_bc_3?ie=UTF8&node=227758

It has a USB port to transfer the audio files. If need be, you can hide it in a car. And it only records when people are talking.

You want something you can PRESS (REC) on the device, while its in your pocket. Make sure it doesn't light up. While your phone may require more steps and more noticeable... also incoming text or phone calls can end your recording.

Sometimes Waywards go NUTS. They have already LIED TO YOU, betrayed your trust. She could hit you and then say you HIT her. These things happen.

It takes months before the affair fog starts to lift. Maybe 3 months, maybe 9 months, maybe never and they lie to themselves (going crazy).

She has to give you access to ALL her online accounts and her phone. If she has or gets a burner phone (and you find out later) - then time to say bye. Again.

[This message edited by SuperNBD at 6:30 PM, July 16th (Saturday)]

I wish I had read your posts sooner!!! My stbxw did the same shit!!! I eventually realized that I couldn't respect her anymore. I thought of her more as a tramp or prostitute than wife potential!!! Best to let her go dude!!! Anything else is just prolonging the inevitable.....in my opinion!!

" have to tell my boss today I am not likely to make the deadline. I had less than 4 hours of sleep last night. I am concerned I don't tell her too much about what's going on for me but at the same time having her understand my situation . I also don't want to take time off as I desperately need something to do during the day."

I understand you're from Canada. Do they have anything like the Family Leave Act or the Americans with Disabilities Act in Canada? In the U.S., they can be your friend when you're afraid of losing your job because of needed time off or less than stellar performance because of emotional issues.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:22 PM, July 27th (Wednesday)]

I am now almost exactly 5 months out from DD. I have been on AD's for over a month. The AD's have helped immensely. The depression is manageable, but I was still raging up until the last number of days. My employer gave me a written warning for performance and I had to do something. I have been on AD's before and disliked the side affects (ie inability to sleep, yet yawning constantly and the affects on sex drive, insatiable sex drive, yet unable to orgasm). I sat with the prescription for a month hoping I could avoid them. A typical work day for me is 8-10 hours. For the first 3-4 months after DD I was working 6 or less hours a day, extended lunch hours, late arrivals, early departues, extended coffee breaks. I could not focus on much. I had barely enough energy and focus to create the image of being engaged on some level. Regardless, my results revealed it all. The warning letter was a wake up call and I think I will be able to salvage my job. I have been working 50-60 hours a week for the past number of weeks and feel good about work.

Until yesterday, the raging has not stopped. The utter devastation, pain, sadness that my wife's A caused me has not diminished. The intervals at which I fall into these emotional sink holes has lengthened. My resentment for my wife remains in tact. There is no other way to describe it, other than I just don't feel or see her remorse. She will speak to me about the A. She apologizes regularly. Yet she does not seem to be sincere or patient. Without saying anything of the sort, she appears to be tired of my depression and resentment. She tells me she is remorseful, but I tell her I need more.

I was reading some advice given after my initial posts. Only wanting advice from those that have R'd, was silly and naive. I have not taken full control to this point, which has ultimately sent the message to my wife that she doesn't have to do the hard work, that she will keep her family and hope my rage will diminish over time. If I or my wife had described to an outsider the things she has done for the marriage post DD, it would sound like she has been working. I have heard us speak, in MC, about the actions she has taken, and the work she has done and part of me thinks yes she has been trying, but my gut says its half hearted and without truly feeling my pain.

I moved out for a week in July. We spoke over the phone during this time and I thought she finally got it. I did not have permanent accommodation and had to move, and chose to move back home. Beyond the first few days of my return, things returned to the way they had been before I left. Then in August I felt I had an epiphany, clarity that I wasn't ever going to be able to get over her A as long as we were still married. The relief I felt of 'making a decision' was so liberating. I felt optimistic, free, with a little bit of happiness. This was an illusion of course in many ways. The complications of divorce, and children, while explored before, ruined the simplicity of my 'decision'. Nonetheless, I resoundingly told my wife, I finally realized I could never recover from what she did and that the marriage had to end. I have detailed before, how my wife responds, reacts, when her world closes in on her and this is what happened again. I felt her remorse and empathy for a number of days, as I contemplated, however seriously, separation and divorce. I have stayed up until this last week when I softened 'my decision' and told her I just needed to move out for a while and that I had found an apartment to stay at. This should not have been a surprise to her given our endless talks, arguments and yelling, yet it was. That night I came home from work and went to the basement to sleep until I could arrange a moving truck and finalize my new accommodations. She came down wanting to talk and I indulged her. She was compassionate and empathetic but also passive aggressive and angry. She 'manipulated' me, into having sex with her, as we have almost daily since DD. The sex has been great and the one place we are able to connect and see eye to eye.

As I entered our bedroom, her phone caught my eye on the night stand. While I do check my wife's phone, it would normally not be in this situation. Something told me to grab it. I checked messages and texts and abnormally checked the phone log. My wife's A was carried out in person or text/messaging, with almost no phone calls. In the initial wake of DD, I took it upon myself to leave the AP's cell number in her contact list and titled it "I love you, don't do it" and there it was as plain as day in her call log. There had been a 37 minute call to him earlier in the day. Why didn't she delete it? I was dumbfounded. I called her over and said perplexed and in absolute disbelief, "Whats this?". Her first response was to act confused herself and then to deny she had anything to do with the log of the call in the display, that she was as perplexed as I was and then it dawned on me and her face. I saw her ability to lie straight faced in a way I had never see before. I went into complete and absolute panic and rage. I left and cooled off for a few hours. The terror and stimulation of driving 160kms an hour in an 80km zone was welcome piece to the torment I was in. There was no traffic on the road. This was yesterday.

....and then I returned home. I don't understand my emotions now. I am complacent, accepting , apathetic to the spot I find myself in, with my wife. I don't despise her. I don't fear her. Its like I am empathizing with her. Its like I understand and am satisfied with her explanation of being in utter panic when I said I was moving out and that she had nowhere to go, no one to speak to. Many of her friendships have either ended or faded away. Her AP had been nice to her, had comforted her in many ways. I am even complacent, unemotional about knowing that the last few months could have been filled with lies, that she may have hooked up with him several times. Its like I believe her even despite all indications that she cannot be trusted. I believe her when she tells me she hasn't seen or spoken to him since the last time! Or maybe its because I feel powerless for the first time since DD. This may be how forgiveness feels in some ways.

I don't know whats going to happen from here. Tomorrow I may decide its all over again. Maybe my wife can't stay away. I have accepted I can't control her. 5 months is early. There are many things I like about my wife still. If it only were all that simple.

She has arranged a date night for us tonight. She proposed finally getting rid of/destroying the diary. I never thought I'd be spending a date night with my wife at Home Depot purchasing lighter fluid and an aluminum turkey roasting pan to celebrate torching her diary. What will the neighbours think when they see the flames =). I am smiling and crying at the same time.

Maybe you should pull up your phone bill online to put a perspective on things.

However, if you've accepted your situation as it is there is no need.

What is the purpose of burning the diary? Is this symbolic somehow? It sounds like she is cheating still. Lying still, that's for sure.

Five months, and she doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to stay faithful through the pain you have. You say it's short, five months, but not short enough that she can stay away from him.

You can decide what is acceptable to you. It may be that it is OK for her to talk with other man if she needs comfort. Due to your pain, you can't give her comfort. And God knows, she can't comfort herself. It reminds of a baby or a very young child who can't soothe themselves. And maybe you figure that is OK, she is like that, and you can live with it.

Certainly there is no urgency. You can take as much time as you want. Expectations are your enemy. I think many people expect faithfulness from there spouses. Of whatever wonderful qualities she may have, that ain't it. But really, reading your most recent post, I think you have maybe jazzed yourself all up thinking she was going to change, and do so in five months. I must admit, I thought the same thing about my own situation, and my wife, as far as I could tell, was able to do it. But that was just luck for me.

I think I, and maybe many others, have this belief of marriage becoming "two into one," kind of a unified unit, working together toward shared outcomes in the future. Raising kids together, having each other's backs. Maybe this is not the truth, maybe it is a myth. I have held fast to that belief, and I almost definitely would have divorced my wife if she wasn't able to remain faithful. By all rights, she is living on borrowed money, because she even did it once. There will be no second chance. This is my values.

I don't judge you by my values. I judge you by your values. So my suggestion is to stay true to your values, whatever it is. If you don't know exactly what your values are about a particular issue, such as faithfulness vs. other conflicting values such as generosity or being a good mother, what works for me is to look at myself in the mirror. If I am looking at myself in the mirror and feeling bad about myself because of what I am doing, or not doing, then it is a pretty good indication that I am betraying myself in my own values. I can't see that I can do that, day in and day out, for very long without having to do something to get out of that.

Well she still has her phone, a warm place to lay her head down, her life/lifestyle haven't blown up so why should she change?

There had been a 37 minute call to him earlier in the day. Why didn't she delete it? I was dumbfounded. I called her over and said perplexed and in absolute disbelief, "Whats this?". Her first response was to act confused herself and then to deny she had anything to do with the log of the call

When was this 37 minute call, today, recently, when?

Wait, I don't understand. Are you just accepting that this is your life now and rolling over? You seem to be at peace in a situation that would send most people over the edge. How long has been in contact with AP? Are you just accepting that AP will forever be a part of your marriage, and that your WW has no problem lying to you? I'm so confused.

Ultimately though, it is your decision. If this is what you want then I wish you happiness. Good luck.

The 37 minute call was Thursday afternoon. I discovered the call Thursday evening.

I am not saying anything other than I have no idea why I am so calm. No I won't accept him in her life if I am around. I was a mad man Thursday evening. Yes I am treading water, kind of frozen right now.

What did your wife say about it?

I am not saying anything other than I have no idea why I am so calm. No I won't accept him in her life if I am around. I was a mad man Thursday evening. Yes I am treading water, kind of frozen right now.

I think I get it now. It's almost as if the veil has been lifted for you and you've seen the man behind the curtain. That may explain the calmness and numbness. Now that you know what you are dealing with, what do you plan to do about it? You know in your heart that her explanation for calling him was bull. Her entire reaction according to your description is classic cheater behavior. First she denied, then she acted confused, then when cornered she finally admitted it. That should tell you everything you need to know about where she is at mentally right now. The fact that she considers the man who blew up your life a "friend" is just

Honestly, I'm not even sure how much you should pay attention to what she says, because lying to you is not something she is concerned about. You may have to go back into investigation mode, because maybe this affair is either back on or never really ended. Don't really expect her to tell you the truth.

Take care of yourself brother. Don't allow people to walk all over you. You deserve so much better. Good luck.

The calmness is shock. This is a huge betrayal at 5 months out. She could have turned to many other people other than the OM. She could have called a family member, her therapist, or one of the few friends she had left but she didn't. She chose him.

You were waiting for a sign if her remorse was real or just a show she strung you along with until you calmed down. This is a huge, blinking neon sign that she's not remorseful. That's the real explanation behind your weak justification that she has no one else. She DID have other choices. She went with the worst possible one, hoped you would never find out, and lied on discovery. Process this and see it for what it is before you jump back on the R wagon. Stop listening to the words of a liar and watch her actions. Draw your line in the sand over broken NC in the future. If she doesn't step up majorly, this M will not work.

bedman: ,

I almost NEVER post, I have followed your story since the beginning... I hate to be this harsh, but SERIOUSLY? DUMP HER! She's not SAFE for you! I have been where you are.. Divorce HURTS and causes lots of turmoil... but once it's done? It's DONE! why continue to hurt yourself bedman? Why? I hate "should" statements, but this tells you some stuff... You should have divested yourself to begin with... Let HER live with that... she says she loves you but keeps going back to OM... Trust me? I'm 52 years old... After a while of getting to a "new normal" .. there are LOTS of women who want an introduction... I KNOW you don't want any other at the moment but DUDE... life with this one is KILLING you!!! Screw it, you have the ways and means that a lot of us do not have. We know you love her but she has doubts, WHY~ This shouldn't even be a QUESTION in a marriage,Why would ANYONE in a Marriage even QUESTION that Marriage? It's BULL SHIT! Either you are Married or NOT ~ No in between...you wanna live on that kind of island? Always wondering who your "wife" is sleeping with tonight? Do yourself a favor? get the hell OUT ~ At what ever cost... You can't find YOUR center until she is TRULY gone... And the Rich guy? FINE... let him have her... they wont stay theatergoer. You? aren't you a "rich guy" too? If I had your resources I'd divest myself and NEVER look back... Lot's of women out there who would give their eye teeth for a man like you.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It helps with my resolve.

I have since learned that my wife's 37 minute phone call was completed through Whatsapp. She deleted the phone call within whatsapp but didn't realize their was a record in her regular call log.

Right after I discovered the call, she was saying "obviously I wanted to get caught, I just left it there to be discovered". Yet more lies.

So I asked her how was I every going to believe what she says. She didn't know other than "I just needed to trust her" haha. So I said if I was ever to try to reconcile with you again, I would need you to disconnect Whatsapp, and all other messaging apps (except text messages) and all social media apps. As well as letting me set her Itunes password and having her change her phone number yet again. This was kind of a test, that I knew she was likely to fail. her response was that she didn't need a phone at all. I said that's great, so when you are at his house fucking him, I'll have no way to get in touch with you to find out your whereabouts. She tried to negotiate on changing the phone number saying I've read on line that that doesn't work anyways. She tried to negotiate facebook access saying this was how she stayed in contact with her friends. I said have them text or call you. She wasn't happy with that. I have now realized that Imessage can probably never be deleted from an Iphone. So I guess she'll have to give up the iphone if she wants me around.

We had plans for her family to come over to watch the Toronto Blue Jays game tonight. I told her that I wouldn't be there and she could tell her family whatever she wanted. She called her father and told him that she had called her AP. He was furious with her and said something to the extent that he couldn't understand why she would want to be with the city gigilo/playboy.

I've moved to the basement for the time being. Will move in with a friend Thuesday and maybe my own place by Sunday. I am looking forward to it.

I can't see how a NC letter with the AP again holds any meaning. Regardless, I said she would have to call him with me there and explain no contact again. If nothing else it'll maybe embarrass her!? She agreed sheepishly.

I have no way of knowing if she has or will ever be with him again. I am thinking of buying a GPS tracker. Ugh!! Is it all worth the effort ? Well maybe just to know if she is safe for our children.

She has said several times that she would be stupid to ever contact him again, yet she did. She's said several times that "He's moved on. he isn't interested in me anymore". Which i've told her is hilarious. Never has she said that she has moved on or that she isn't interested anymore. Its always been stated that he has moved on in a poor me kind of way. That he is an asshole. Lies! She admitted yesterday evening that because the affair ended suddenly, she has only good memories with the time she spent with him.

man its so over.