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Please have your parents block all forms of communication with her. And buckle up - I don't think she is going to give up very easily.

Beach!!

Nope, not going to respond to the first sentence of his letter. Just not going to do it!!

That could have been OM saying good riddens to your ex with Sarcasm. Although. My OW said the same thing to me. She just wanted to keep her boytoy and didn't want all those dang strings that were attached because they continued the A.

looks like bellhop boy was rubbing your nose in it.

emphasizing "ALL what you did for me"

your ex should be proud. (sarcasm)

i'd be very tempted to point out to them that you don't want a girlfriend that you can't trust to go on a business trip without having sex with a bellhop. and then give her back to him.

and then tell your girlfriend to please stop trying to communicate with you.

My analysis:

"Pleeease take her back!! This chick is CRAZZZY and I want her out of my life!"

Today I woke up to a message from my parents. Apparently she sent them a long text asking to talk to them about a second chance at winning me back, complete with all the promises she's been making for me. They forwarded it to me and said they wouldn't respond unless I wanted them to.

Since you are going to be staying at your folks for a few weeks when Exgf gets back I think it would be best for your folks to respond directly to her in a way that cuts off contact and they they should block her.

Something like "We have gotten your message, at this time we would like to focus on our son, please do not contact us again."

I know it sounds harsh but anything nicer and she is going to believe they support her and you getting back together. You don't want her to start calling their house, emailing them, or showing up while you are on your visit.... of course a much harsher message would be better.

"Stay away from us and our son, you have done enough damage."

but I'm guessing your folks wouldn't want to do that. Whatever they write it needs to be clear they will not be supporting her and do not want further contact.

[This message edited by Freeme at 12:29 PM, June 19th (Sunday)]

I respect everyone here, so this is only my opinion, but do not respond, let me repeat....do not respond.

This is laziness and selfishness on a WS's part....they don't want to look at themselves and what they need to do, but "let me love bomb my BS and their family and everyone else, and if I say I love you and I tell your family I love you then you will ignore all the other shit I have done and take me back"....

Don't do it. Nothing has been done by her to work on her whys, or who she is or what she is doing or where she is going....she is focusing on you, so she does not have to look at herself.

Keep doing what you are doing, I think you are coming out of your own fog and starting to see clearly the person who is not such a great person and has selfishly done exactly what they wanted to do but now all of a sudden you just don't want to play ball any more.

Look for happiness and joy for yourself. There is a great big wide world out there.

I haven't responded, and I told my parents not to respond either. I also contacted the friends I'll be seeing too, and I warned them that she might try to contact them too (since she knows I'm planning to see them and tell them the whole story).

A few hours ago I got ANOTHER long email. They keep growing in size! This one was over 6000 words.

I shouldn't have even opened it, but I was curious. She has been reading Not Just Friends and referenced it a lot, trying to do everything it recommended. She added a couple more confessions; e.g. she had told me that she planned to confess the second round of cheating, but admits now that that was a lie and she was just going to keep it a secret forever. She told the whole story of what she had done during her second trip, and admitted fault for all that she did wrong. She lists a dozen ways in which she's prepared to make me her top priority. She admits to having deep-seated issues and talked about how she would do extra therapy to address it and give me total access to her life until I could trust her again.

She quoted Not Just Friends to suggest that we not make a decision for at least 3 months after D-day, and asks that I keep trying for just one more month. And in her last paragraph, she apologizes profusely, acknowledging the pain that she caused me and the wrongs that she did.

Honestly, this was all the stuff I wanted her to say after the first confession. If she had taken this perspective at that point, I think we would have had a pretty good chance of reconciling. But she didn't come to her senses until the moment after we broke up.

I shouldn't have read it, because it was everything I used to wish she would say. But I know it's too late now, and I'm posting about it here so you can keep me accountable. Thankfully, she included a P.S. at the end where she acknowledges my request that she not send any more emails. "I will refrain from sending anymore while I am in [other country], unless you give me any indication that they are welcome again. I just felt that I had a lot that I needed to communicate to you, so I needed to send one more email."

She says outright that she hasn't accepted that our relationship is truly over. Meanwhile, I just signed the papers to rent a storage space, and I'm going to move my stuff out tonight. My mom is paranoid about what my ex-girlfriend my do, and has requested that I stay in a hotel from now on. So after today, I'm well and truly gone. She's going to come home to find all my stuff out of the apartment and that I'm nowhere to be found. Is there anything more I can do to get her to accept the end? I've thought about saying "maybe we could get back together years from now, after you've truly changed, but for that to happen you have to accept the end of this relationship". But I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea, since it's still dangling the prospect of reconciliation, and it might keep her attached for years even if it gets me some space. EDIT: I also considered telling her (or threatening to tell her) all the things I never liked about her, just to break her heart. But I still think there are kinder ways to make her accept the breakup, and staying silent is probably the best choice for now.

[This message edited by toopol at 2:42 PM, June 19th (Sunday)]

But I'm pretty sure that's a bad idea

Ding ding ding, we have a winner!!!

Look toopol, right now it's all about getting you back, NOT about her making herself a safe partner for you (talk is cheap).

You are taking such great, and decisive, steps to heal and protect YOURSELF. That's the right focus.

I don't think her email requires any response. None. zip. zilch. nada.

But if she sends either you or your parents one more, I would send a short 'do not contact me or my family EVER again.'

And then if she does, consider taking out a restraining order against her (without warning).

I'm sorry it's so tough, but she is just so. fucking. predictable..... On the bright side, you've got the beach!

((((toopol))))

eta:

Honestly, this was all the stuff I wanted her to say after the first confession.

And she has figured that out, and is using it as a tool to manipulate you.

If she were really 'getting it', she would NOT be sending you 1000's of words essays through email. She would be DOING what she needs to do.

And what's with the NJF? Her cheating (at least the cheating she has admitted to) was/is pretty much straight PA right away. NJF is more focused on EAs and emotional aspects of cheating.

I smell bullshit.

((((toopol))))

And what's with the NJF? Her cheating (at least the cheating she has admitted to) was/is pretty much straight PA right away. NJF is more focused on EAs and emotional aspects of cheating.

Yeah, she picked up NJF after I found an interview with Shirley Glass and we listened to it together. She started reading it about a week ago (yes, during the second affair), and she acknowledged that it mostly didn't seem to be talking about her kind of situation. But this was the first time she actually made any time to read any material about healing from infidelity, so I suppose she didn't have a chance to shop around for something more applicable.

She could have started reading after the first confession. She could have joined this forum. (I did float the idea.) She could have actually thought about what it would mean to lose me and had her epiphanies earlier, and she could have refused to go on the second trip. I gave her a second chance even though I had scores of people telling me to "RUN!!!" but she wasted it. If she had the potential to be a safe partner, if this were really salvageable, then the second affair would never have had the chance to happen. I wasn't perfect, but I did my part. She proved that she couldn't do hers.

Your situation is at this point inane. If you continue down this road soon hollywood will be knocking on your door for yet another "I can't believe this" movie or a guest appearance on Jerry Springer.

Time to start a new thread on rebuilding my life. The only mention of what happened a link to this thread.

Jesus the OM sent you an email, she BCC him? This is beyond just out there. Embrace sanity.

Save all documents at of sight and hand to protect yourself. Better then even odds you might need it. Then just go dark. Nothing is more powerful then silence, it is also the most difficult to do,

Sorry, I missed you reply to questions. He is in the middle east? That was the one place I did not think he was from. She has put herself in danger.

If you continue down this road soon hollywood will be knocking on your door for yet another "I can't believe this" movie

Yeah. Yesterday my brother told me "you couldn't write this shit". And I've gotten similar comments from some folks on this forum!

I've changed a few background details along the way because I was so concerned about anonymity at first (e.g. our relationship wasn't really 5 years, it was 7 years, but half of that was long-distance so I discounted it). But the whole story of the infidelity (and the fallout thereof) is true.

Nice stance (toopol). It might make it easier just to eneter her e-mail address in your computer as spam. That way you won't be tempted if she decides to write again.

You are very strong we are proud of you. 👍

Another thought just occurred to me. I've never really paid any attention to the idea of "the 180" because A) she claimed to want to reconcile right away so I didn't think it was necessary, and B) it seemed like it was asking too much; if that was the cost, then I didn't want to pay it. But now that I've set boundaries and stopped paying attention to her, it's (kinda sorta) like I've started the 180, and now my ex-girlfriend is going crazy trying to win me back. I'm not sure if that makes me more sure of my path or if it makes me wish I had tried it earlier, back when we had a chance of reconciling, but it's fascinating.

back when we had a chance of reconciling

It might be helpful for you to change your thinking about this. Given the actions of your WGF, you NEVER HAD a chance of reconciling - you only THINK you did.

She has continued to show you why you never had any chance of R.

The 180 is to help YOU to detach while still in the presence/living together with the WS. In your case, NC is what will help you the most.

((((toopol))))

Dog in the Manger syndrome. She thought that she was sitting pretty, with two men to play with. One to keep the home fires burning and be her backup, and New Shiny Man to get her thrills with. Then she had to pick, so she went with New Shiny Man, because he was NEW, and SHINY, thrills, you know. I'm betting that about 3 minutes after you told her that it was over, period, and you were walking away, she let New Shiny Man know that and he essentially threw her under the bus because, face it. Why would he want her around on a permanent basis? He knew that she wasn't to be trusted, that she was damaged goods. He wanted thrills, not a daily dose of domestic "bliss." And he could get thrills elsewhere without making any kind of commitment other than canned words. And that's when she tried to suck you back in, and is why she is panicking because you refuse to play the part of Man Who Is Willing To Eat Shit Sandwiches For The Rest Of His Life.

At least that's my take on it. And I commend you for sticking to your resolve to get yourself OUT of infidelity. Keep walking towards the light, brother. Leave the seas of chaos behind you.

I was just going to write that!

back when we had a chance of reconciling

And why would you want to???

This is a girl who cheated on you, lied to you about getting Herpes, didn't do anything to make herself a safe partner for you or help you heal, then saw Bellboy again, cheated on you again, was planning on lying to you about it, wrote you an email breaking up with you saying how Bellboy was her true love, and THIS is the person you have regrets not reconciling with???

My God. You should be thanking her profusely for showing her true colors before you DID reconcile and found yourself with Herpes and someone who doesn't really care about you in the slightest.

[This message edited by Walloped at 4:07 PM, June 19th (Sunday)]

Not to mention that you had doubts about this relationship before any of this went down.

She is acting desperate. Sorry to say, I would assume this is not about you and how her life will not be complete without you in it. She is scared. But she created this and choices have consequences. She will just have to grow up and accept that.

Maybe she will "own her shit" and make someone (else) a good partner some day. But right now it is her desperation talking and that can not be trusted.

Too bad she has to drag everyone else into it. Not too often you see an AP plead for reconciliation!

And sometimes when we BSs are trying to figure this shit out there is a kind of peace with a second Dday. Now you know. That may be what you're feeling.

Hold your ground--you're doing great!