SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

of course the 180 works. that's why we tell people to do it. But typically, with men not so inclined, they are too stubborn to listen and things get worse. always. they don't understand the counter-intuitiveness of being strong and demanding respect with saving the relationship. they always try to "nice" them back.

but don't regret that fact. she's still a person that had the affair(s). think of this, after the first affair with all the tears and anguish and counseling and drama, and getting an STD from the little shit, she convinces you that you should let her go to the mideast ONLY A COUPLE of months after her affair. She argues with the counselor about it! and then within a week of getting there she's on her back getting pounded.

do you really want her? really?

i understand being sad, don't regret this. this was a lucky break for you. you deserve a lot better.

My parents are concerned that my ex-girlfriend is unstable and might show up at the door at any moment (EDIT: even though I'm tracking her on my iPhone's Find Friends app and can see that she's still at her hotel thousands of miles away). They made me promise to move out ASAP and got me a hotel for the few days before I fly out to see them. They also think it might be worthwhile to stay out of town for a few weeks after she gets home, and they think it's a bad idea to keep the old apartment even if she agrees to move out.

I'm sympathetic, but I feel like they're treating her like a dangerous crazy person rather than a desperate heartbroken person. Maybe there's no difference? So far she's just been professing her love and promising me the world to try to get me back. I'm not afraid of her yet and it's uncomfortable to hear my family talking like that.

[This message edited by toopol at 4:52 PM, June 19th (Sunday)]

You are a good man and I'm sending (((SI hugs))) your way.

^^^^

***Sometimes desperate people do desperate things.****

My 29-year old son had a pretty bad breakup with his gf last Fall, gf was acting pretty crazy, we insisted he take someone with him to her apartment to get his stuff. Didn't trust that she wouldn't go batshit crazy on him as she was very unstable at the time.

As a parent, I would be concerned as well.

Read Mike's post again.

Your parents are right to be concerned. Right now it's all about her and how her world has been shattered because of her actions. She's looking for you to save her from herself. Don't let her.

Disengage. Move out. Block numbers. Ask her, firmly, to please stop contacting you and your family. And then thank your lucky stars you found all this out now instead of in a few years when extricating yourself from the relationship would have been much more difficult.

when all her begging and pleading doesn't work it's not impossible that she could lose her shit and do something crazy. So your parents are right to be concerned.

toopol,

While I'm sorry you have to deal with the fallout now, I'm happy that you've finally seen the light.

Please don't underestimate your XGF now. It makes no difference if she's a desperate heartbroken person, or a desperate crazy person right now, if she's desperate in any way, you need to take steps to protect yourself. I agree with each and every one of your parents' suggestions and also with those advising to block and go dark (no contact).

You honestly don't know what's going through your XGF's mind, but err on the side of caution regardless. It wouldn't be a bad idea to buy a VAR and keep it with you at all times, just in case.

Get out of Dodge, stay safe and good luck, my friend.

I have to say I agree with the others. You've always had a blind spot as far as your exgf..."She's just really naive and this guy took advantage of her..." "I believe she is telling the truth she couldn't lie about something like this..." "She's extremely remorseful (after the first incident and can't believe she could do such a thing..."

Not trying to be mean but I'm not sure you can be certain what she is capable of.

Why haven't you blocked her on the phone and email? You can work out all of the moving out details in "couples counseling." Letting her continue to contact you is just leading her on and causing you pain.

^^^

What Freeme (and your parents) said.

I mentioned that blind spot of yours sometime back. Better to be safe than sorry.

Continued contact will just prolong and exacerbate the pain. If you give an inch she will string this out into something desperate, sad, and eventually ugly. So much better for you both if you just move all your crap and leave no forwarding address.

She has a counselor to get her through this. Sucks for her because I can almost guarantee that Bellboy started distancing and backpedalling as soon as she started talking possibility of LTR. Like instantly and strongly, to the point that the fun was over and his life would be less complicated if you got back together. Plus there would always be the next trip.

Then she had her 'final' epiphany! Right.

[This message edited by antlered at 6:55 PM, June 19th (Sunday)]

Well, I promised my parents I'd move out quickly and stay in the hotel at night, and I keep my promises, so there shouldn't be any danger. And her GPS is still reporting that she's where I expected her to be. Anyway, I just dropped off my first load of stuff at the storage place and I should be fully moved out by tomorrow afternoon. What a hassle.

Hassle today. Peace and serenity tomorrow. And the day after. And the day after. And after. Etc.

Just read your thread T.

I have to say you did great. Gave your gf a second chance, she blew it, you're done.

You're thoughtful, mature, compassionate, resolute.

I kinda hope your GF gets a nice big "lesson learned" in time for the next guy. If so, you get to take credit for that.

Your response about her family background raises red flags in my view. The value of exposure is to kill the affair and create honesty with children and family. Only honesty can lead to true healing. But her family has red flags and I suspect there is more there. So out of the love you once held for her, tread lightly and speak of regret and your respect for her. If I am right the least of her problems will be become the family whipping person who will be shamed and abused for years.

Toopol!!! Infidelity effects everyone included extended family. 7 years is a long time and your parents have just realized that they never really knew wgf! They've got Fatal Attactions thoughts going through their minds. It's totally normal for them to be so concerned and they obviously love you dearly. Their feelings for her didn't just change on a dime. They're in shock and hurt.

Honestly, I think you did everything right for you. You couldn't of fixed her broken self by showing her what she stood to lose. The 180 will only help you detatch and give you room to think.

I think you needed to give her that second chance for you but I also think you thought she'd pass the business trip test with flying colors.

You've handled this in a way that was best for you 😁.

My advice, stay nc.

a dangerous crazy person rather than a desperate heartbroken person.

She isn't heartbroken.

She is panicking because her Plan B actually has a mind of his own.

She seems to be a person who wants to live by the "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" adage. I was married to a guy like that and it sucked -- it's good to see that you have a plan to leave and that you are done. Stick to your guns. Go NC. Do not respond to anything that she sends you -- just pack your shit and go. Recovering from the initial affair was *maybe* a possibility, but the fact that she renewed contact w/ the guy when she returned there really needs to be a dealbreaker.

The renewal of the affair is really a massive (and unrecoverable) betrayal. To me, it is more significant than the original events.

Pity her because she's a messed-up pup but save your empathy for people who deserve it (she doesn't).

P.S. -- About that email that OM sent you? I think it's a red herring and shady as hell.

Let's assume for the sake of argument that you're right. At this moment she is more heart-broken than dangerously unstable.

How far of a trip do you think it is from the former to the latter?

Granted not every "heartbroken" person does but we're talking about a girl who is deceptive and manipulative.

Never forget that she played these games with the IC too. She will use anybody. that includes your parents, your friends, your IC and even the OM himself to get what she wants.

I believe you're truly done with her. However, I also believe you are susceptible to a moment of weakness. A moment where you feel empowered by her actions and some glimmer of hope may suddenly spark out of nowhere. It can happen. If it does happen remember for her, whether she is conscious of this or not, it isn't about rekindling love but regaining her power. She was emotionally the dominant one in the relationship. For that brief period when R was possible she believed she had even more power. Instead of viewing it as a responsibility to you to be a safe partner she saw her actions as being about the power she had in the relationship. She had the power to choose between two men and you were trying to keep her. She didn't want to give that up. The 'what if' wasn't just about seeing if things with OM would be better and true lurve. It was also about not giving up the power she had with that choice.

Toopol, you've been her rock. Her base of support. Of course she doesn't want to lose that. She never wants to lose that.

If you took her back (which is a horrifying thought) it would just be a matter of time before she sold herself on all of the same reasons she pulled this shite before. Except this time she would try to cover her tracks better. She would do everything she could to keep it underground and hidden until she was really sure <insert next OM's name> was really her soulmate before she did anything so risk.

There's a line from a movie I think of from time to time. In the move the WW left her BH for the OM. The xWW and OM are living in an apartment and life settles into a routine the way life inevitably does. The xWW asks the BH if there's a chance they could R. He says no. She asks him 'why not?' since he's not seeing anyone. His answer? 'Some things you do in life...they stick.'

She may not realized what she did the 2nd time stuck, but you know it.

It's not your job to make her understand that either. Just live by what you know. She'll figure it out or she won't.

Thanks for your advice, all of you. :)

She said she would refrain from sending any more emails to me while she's gone. I was hoping that meant an end to all attempts to contact me, but she again tried to call me a few different ways tonight. She then texted me: "[toopol], will you please just give me the chance to talk to you? To talk about all of this? Nothing is impossible. I know there has to be a way for me to fix this. I am just trying to figure out how I can. How can I get through to you?" And then "I wanted to try to change my plane ticket to come home right away, but it wasn't possible." Lucky for me, that.

She's two months too late.

Youneed to go no contact. She is going to rampit up.

Just text her what you just said. Too little too late, 2 months too late and just leave me alone.

Just text her what you just said. Too little too late, 2 months too late and just leave me alone.

Nah... We talked for a full hour on the phone when I confronted her about the second affair. She asked plenty of times if there was anything she could do, and I told her "absolutely not" and "it's way too late" and so on. She's already heard that. And I also already sent her an email telling her bluntly to stop contacting me.

I think for now that I'll just stay silent. If this keeps up or accelerates or otherwise becomes a problem, then I think the next step would be to say "I'm going to start blocking you, and if you persist then I'll [tell your parents / tell our friends / file for a restraining order / whatever]." But I'm still holding out hope that she'll be forced to accept reality when she gets back to the apartment.

We're still scheduled to talk at therapy in two days. I'd like to have a conversation about communicating the breakup to friends, who gets stuff that we bought together, and all that stuff, but now I'm wondering if she'll be able to handle that.

[This message edited by toopol at 12:46 AM, June 20th (Monday)]