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Some people simply can't help but sabotage a good thing. STD's, cheating...Toopol, this is the value she puts on herself. This is what she feels she deserves.

I am sorry you are hurting, brother.

Whatever happens now, don't cave when she returns and realizes what she threw away to "make sure". She will likely throw tears, sex, and guilt at you to get you to come back to her, and she will mean it...in the moment.

You deserve much, much better. That you would even consider giving the gift of reconciliation to a girlfriend (something I would NEVER do) shows your level of grace and forgiveness.

Take some time to heal, and then find a woman who is not interested in finding the limits of your grace.

Sorry for your pain toopol. I wish you all the luck in the future. You are strong and can get through this. Keep posting.

Hugs

If your name is on the lease you should get in touch with the landlord yourself to start negotiating the removal of her name- but don't actually take it off until she agrees and moves out- otherwise she could refuse to leave, and refuse to pay her portion of the rent (and it's quite difficult to get a roommate evicted in many states).

Don't try to remain friends with her. Unless that's a current ploy to play nice until your living situation is ironed out. Why would you want to be friends with her after she treated you so poorly? She's not a good partner, and she's not a good friend. Just be done with her.

Sorry it came to this, but at least it's quite clear- she likes you around, but won't hesitate to try something new if it strikes her fancy. Not the kind of commitment you want in life. So even if she comes back claiming to have learned her lesson... Let her put that to work with the next guy. This way, if the lesson didn't stick, it's not your problem.

I'm sorry. I know you really, really wanted to prove SI that we were wrong about your gf. I commend you for coming back for advise.

First off please remove those rose colored glasses...even after everything she has put you through you still make statements like...

Based on what she said in the email (and so far I have no evidence suggesting that she has lied about anything since her original confession), she didn't contact the other guy before sending the email.

This is the same woman that would having sex with hotel boy then talk marriage with you a few hours later...

This is the same woman that swore she hated OM and was 100% into saving your relationship.

This is the same woman that swore she wouldn't see OM on this business trip.

That was so remorseful that you were 100% sure she would NEVER do anything similar again.

Please reread all of your posts and the replies to better understand blind you are to her shortcomings.

I don't doubt that when she comes back you will hear -

"Toopol I needed to see this guy to understand why I did what I did. If I hadn't I would have always questioned what could have been. Now I know that you are what I want and I can 100% move forward in our relationship." Something along the lines of their meeting helping her to see what she really wanted was you.

You message was about not being a Plan B and moving forward. yes, you should get the apartment but you are so nice I can't see you packing up her things unless you get an ok from her about it.

Send her one text. I should be to the point and non emotional.

"You have made your choice and I would like to begin moving forward with my life. I have canceled future couples counseling. It would be best if I kept the apartment because (several brief reasons). Let me know if you agree if not I will begin the process of apartment hunting."

Depending on your area it might be better for you to move. You are very prone to forgiving her so the sooner you are able to make a clean break the better. You are also more attached so an new apartment would be a more clear break (less memories lurking). You would be able to begin the process of moving out right away (apartment hunting, packing...) . If you stay and wait for her to move out I believe you will end up doing exactly what you did last time....waffle between Reconcile and breaking up. Taking action feels much better than being in a painful limbo.

Finally, you are a great, smart, devoted man, with a great job, that many, many, women would love to meet. (I hope and pray you haven't gotten herpes yet). The guys that were nerds in high school really are a catch and most women know that. You will find someone so much better for you if you just end this and move on.

Please cancel the couples counseling and begin IC and work on self esteem issue.

[This message edited by Freeme at 8:43 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]

toopol,

I am so sorry. Truly. And yes, even though I was one of the many strong voices recommending this route, I understand how painful it is. So I feel for you.

However, in a weird way I am glad that if there was to be a break up, it occurred in this fashion. Where she showed where her head is at. She wasn't all in with you and we had kept asking what she had actually done to support you post her affair, and the answer was not much at all. Now you/we at least know why. Because her heart wasn't in it.

It sucks when one person is putting all the effort into the relationship and it's not reciprocated, right?

Still, at least you now know. and you can spend the time healing and moving on. Taking the high road was absolutely the right thing to do and based on your posts in your prior thread, does not surprise me in the least. She really has no clue what she gave up. Her loss. It'll be sad for when she finally realizes it.

Please strengthen yourself and when she does come crawling back, do not go down that road. As you put it, an affair is one thing. This is a choice, and she chose Bellboy. And gently, what this choice says besides the fact that she's naïve, is that she values her fling with Bellboy and the possibility that might turn out to be something more than her relationship with you. Ouch! Yes, it stings. But keep that feeling in mind when the inevitable call from her comes.

It is too soon, but there are plenty of girls out there who appreciate thoughtful, caring, and intelligent men like yourself. And when you're ready, one of them is going to be pretty happy to have you.

Sorry things turned out this way but in the end you have the blessing of real closure on this.

No reason whatsoever for doubts or what-if's anymore. It's unbelievable how patient and understanding you've been with her. And so she has thrown away her last chance with you.

I agree with others that all her stuff should be packed up in boxes or bags by the door when she returns. Not another day under the same roof.

As you've said, prepare yourself for the likelihood of her trying to come back to you. Make sure that book is officially closed. Lean on family, friends, counselor, & this forum for support and accountability. The persuasive power of a crying woman can be hard to block out. Don't fall for it. No goodbye hugs, no last kiss, no final dates. No friendship. Just tell her to take her stuff and go.

Now you can move on with your life. May you find healing and happiness.

Plot twist!

She called me this morning and asked "is it too late to change my mind".

She's halfway around the world. With the time zone difference, this means that she sent me her email in the morning. Right now it's the late afternoon for her. She says that she didn't contact him yet, that she's been at work all day, that her stomach has tied itself into a knot, and that she realizes now what a terrible mistake she's made. She says that 9 hours ago I wrote that we could still work things out, and that she thinks it's still not too late.

I told her that I needed a few hours to think.

I know most of you think that she's been lying about lots of things along the way. Still, I believe her here. She was horrifyingly open about her thought process and intentions up to this point, after all.

This is the one scenario I didn't imagine. If she had actually contacted the other guy, then I'd be plan B, and I couldn't imagine taking her back. But because she says she hasn't contacted him yet, I still feel like plan A.

But even though she hasn't contacted him, and even though I do love her and want to make it work... I spent the last evening and night as her ex-boyfriend. I told my family that we had broken up and said that I had a long story to tell them. And even if she turned away at the last minute, she went so far along the path of choosing the other guy...

So I'm posting here. Maybe this is just one hiccup on our inevitable road to doom. Or maybe she really has realized that she was a fool to pick him.

We all suspected that she'd regret it and try to come back to me. I just never thought she'd regret it before actually going back to him.

Ugh. I'm so disgusted to be doing this again. I find myself thinking "I wish I hadn't told anyone that we broke up" and "I wish I had waited a day to see if she changed her mind", and that makes me think that I really do want to give her a third chance, and that I'm probably going to... But I'm posting here so you can say what you think.

Sorry for all the drama. I'm not a troll, I swear.

I'm sorry things didn't work out, but honestly, if she's the type of person who would choose the sleazebag player who gave her herpes over you, then you're better off without her. Much better off.

If she tries to make you Plan B in the future, I would be tempted to paraphrase her email right back to her: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'd regret not knowing what might have been if I don't explore relationships with women that don't lie, cheat, and expose me to incurable STD's."

Edit: Sorry, didn't see your latest update. I don't think it really changes my advice though.

Edit 2: Here's what happened...she contacted the hotel guy, and he immediately blew her off, I can almost guarantee it.

[This message edited by PlanNine at 9:20 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]

toopol,

I'm going to be a little harsh here.

Seriously? I mean seriously? She tells you this...

but I also feel that I will regret it if I don't explore it either. I don't want to always be wondering what it might have been like

And now she says, Oops! Changed my mind! It's you I really want! And you're considering it?

She specifically chose him. That means she doesn't value your relationship nearly as much as you do, and then for some reason has buyers remorse and lucky you! You get to have Miss Herpes back?

You can do so much better than her. Seriously. Do you really think so little of yourself. Are you a little puppy who gets beaten by his owner, but every now and then gets a doggie treat and therefore keeps coming back?

I don't mean to rail on you, really I don't, but part of me wants to reach through the computer screen, grab you by the shirt collar, and give you one of those Three Stooges slaps.

And no...she doesn't regret anything. Something else happened and she's doing an "Oh shit!" move and crawling back.

Finally, do you really want a relationship with someone who slept with another guy and then when you need to heal and told you she was all in with you did an about face and chose the other guy? Why in the world would you? Whatever special thing you think you have with her...well, she doesn't.

Please, she gave you a gift by leaving. As my kids would say, no backsies!

I am sorry but I think she is lying.

Even if she is not, you donr deserve the hell she is putting you with her choices.

Tell her that she is free and you will consider taking her back, if she wants when the trip is over and after a poly test to verify：

She didnt contacted him.

That she wants to be with you as plan A and not because OM didnt answer her calls or meet her.

Save your self more pain and talk to her once she is back and decide what you want

No, don't take her back. End of story.

Hugs toopol this has to be very hard and upsetting

My guess is she was already with the guy

But it's downright cruel to have you discuss, as if deciding between dress a or dress b, how she wants to go back to him.

The only good (?) Side of it is that she told yoi clearly who she is and made that loud and clear so quickly.

Yes she wants you to be the one to break up. Helps her feel better about herself since she wasn't the one to do it

Hugs toopol. Find healing. And definitely prepare yourself for the "it was all a mistake" that she's likely to throw at you as soon as she returns

I would 100% not give her another chance without her getting help. Tell her she can come home, move out, get into IC and if in months she is still doing the hard work, then you will consider giving her another chance. Give HER the opportunity to work for your relationship and show you that you are her number 1.

This "compassionate" suggestion aside, my honest opinion is that she was already with the other guy. She probably screwed him last night and "got it out of her system" (for now) or she contacted him and he said "no thanks". I think you should let her go and move on. You deserve so much more!

I just read the update

Well that was unexpectedly fast.

Why do you feel so strongly she didn't contact him the moment she got there? Or at least in the time since?

She has shown you very clearly who she is. She will betray you. Say remorse if that's what she's she supposed to say (actual remorse looks something more like canceling the trip and wanting to avoid the guy st all costs - recognizing how painful it would be for you. Instead - she drags you through the pain). Return. Want to go back to AP, blatantly tells you this while knowing it would hurt you, make sure she keeps a door open with her foot stuck in it with you, and then when that door shuts change her mind.

No, it doesn't have to be done maliciously or like she's some evil villain. Most WS *arent* evil villains. But she has shown you quite clearly that her only priority is her.

You aren't plan a. You aren't plan b. You're a safety net while she pursues person a (herself).

This isn't a business transaction. It's a relationship. And in a healthy relationship you are partners in life together. She isn't a safe partner. Not even close.

Wow! That has to be the quickest our predictions of a wayward coming back have ever come true!

Toopol, come on man, you don't need any more advice.

This seriously has to be gutwrenchingly confusing for you! I'm so sorry!

You called it a plot twist, why? This was expected. You said it yourself.

Her e-mail showed that you are Plan B. And her thinking is outrageously delusional and selfish, and that is not going to stop any time soon. She is not safe. She did you a favor by sending you that e-mail. Of course she regrets it because she realizes what that means she is losing. Her not having considered all the consequences and thought it through thoroughly before clicking "Send" is exactly what makes her unsafe. Ego kibbles, instant gratification, regret (not remorse). That's her life. You don't don't any part of that.

Whether or not she contacted him and/or had sex with him (she's probably gaslighting you by saying she was at work all day; maybe she did work but saw him at lunch or during a break), seems less relevant to the fact that she is picking you up and dropping you whenever she feels like it. When you are out of sight, you are out of her heart, and her brokenness demands ego-kibbles from somewhere. Nothing has changed. Whether or not she betrayed you already on this trip (IMO she betrayed you when she told you her desire to contact her AP superseded your need for safety and loyalty), it will happen in the future.

You deserve to be happy Toopol. Make decisions that will lead to that. She has showed you who she is. Believe her. Believe yourself. You KNOW her.

[This message edited by Shattereddd at 9:57 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]

Dude, this has all kinds of "nope!" stamped all over it!

toopol, one of the things we tell the BS here is "watch the actions" because actions speak louder than words. Your WGF's action were to hop on a plane and go see bellboy. That's her choice, and now she's showing buyer's remorse and that is the ONLY kind of remorse she has for this situation as none of it is really toward YOU. You think she really understands she caused you pain? Were ANY of her actions in compliance to YOUR requirements, your need to make you feel safe again?

Tell her "nope."

toopol, you must see the forest from the trees. You are just now on the edge but need to walk some more paces back out of that relationship to see what it really is. My guess is that YOU were her "project", and now she thought poor bellboy is a "project". To her, partners are a "project" to shape, mold, form in HER idea of what she thinks a husband should be.

Email her back and tell her "I don't want you back. You already made a choice and now I'm making mine."

toopol, choose a new beginning. Choose independence. Choose freedom to develop into who you really should be without the constraints of her selfish desires. You will meet someone much better in the future, but that path will only begin as soon as you get off of the current one. Go gind yourself first, what your passion in life is and where you want to take yourself. You owe yourself this much.

I'd speculate she did call him. And he said, "Who? No. Go away."

And then she had to spin it because you made it clear what would happen if she did. So... "I changed my mind. Is it too late TooPol?"

Or she contacted him- fucked him- compared genital wart stories for laughs, and will continue to meet him while pretending and acting like last time when she was seeing him and pretending and acting like she didn't Then says to TooPol, "I didn't contact him! It made me all stomach knotty to think about it. Is it too late, TooPol, to have my normal life back since we were working on it?" While thinking, "what he doesn't know won't hurt him." Edited because Shatterddd is correct: While thinking, "what he doesn't know won't hurt ME!" (good catch)

I know it is hard, TooPol. It sucks to be in this spot.

[This message edited by quedagh at 10:15 AM, June 16th (Thursday)]

I think her actions are based on your response to her email. She wanted you to beg for her, and rugsweep and negotiate for the relationship. If you had done that, you would have heard crickets from her. Because you didn't do that, and you showed her the dignified, honorable, mature, "catch" of a man she was throwing away...she lasted a whopping 8 hours.

She has mistaken your kindness for weakness. She has given you the best gift possible, throwing you away so you can find a healthy, fulfilling life and relationship. Don't throw away that gift.

quedagh - You give toopol's XWGF too much credit. It's "What he doesn't know won't hurt ME."

Ok, I am more than sorry. I can see you are hurt. I can even feel it. But, I don't want to see you waste your life. First of all you are not Plan A. You are Plan B. or maybe C. I have no doubt that she has been in contact with this bellhop for some time, perhaps with friends. She told him she was coming his way. He said all the right things. She fell for it hook, line and sinker. She then told him that she broke up with you and he got scared. He broke her once again. Now you are her KISA again.

Not saying this to hurt you, but I hope before you end up like the rest of us that you can just open your eyes. At the very, very least tell her that you still plan to move out and that you need some months NC to think about this. Don't let her send you on this roller coaster ride. AGAIN