SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The fact she is fb friends with him and liking his comments tells you all you need to know. If she were truly worthy of R - she'd be disgusted and ashamed by his presence on her FB posts - she'd recognize his role in blowing up her life and have him blocked. You dodged a bullet Toopol and I think - once you heal - that you're going to make someone a wonderful partner one day.

Truth is she wasn't thinking about this nearly as much as you give her credit for. She was simply acting impulsively. Not much thought went into those choices and actions.

Yeah. Actually, my post-breakup thinking has helped me to see this more clearly. When she was trying to get me to give her another chance, she told me a lot about what she had been thinking and what her internal justifications were. But when I look at it more closely, a lot of it doesn't make sense. Maybe she believes her own explanations, but that doesn't make them true. Instead, the only thing that really makes sense is "she did it because it felt good" with very little concern how it would hurt me.

THINK ALSO ABOUT YOURSELF. You were ready to belive her lies at first. You were heading to reconciliation. SI wisdom opened your eyes (remember your "I told you so" post?) Try to do some soul searching about yourself too. Learn about yourself not to do the same mistake again.

I'll do this too, I promise.

Hey, how are you doing these days ? No better time to hit the gym than now.

The last few posts made me think that you finally hit the anger phase when you realized how much of a liar she is.

Does the social circle know that she cheated on you ?

[This message edited by kimichi at 11:19 AM, July 5th (Tuesday)]

Hey, how are you doing these days ? No better time to hit the gym than now.

I'm doing okay. I'm about to sign a lease for a new apartment, and I spent the last few hours getting some exercise with a friend. I'm being pretty damn slow about getting back to work, but I imagine that the pace will pick up once I have a permanent home.

The last few posts made me think that you finally hit the anger phase when you realized how much of a liar she is.

Nah, it's more just a feeling of clarity-in-hindsight. I'm pretty sure I went through most of the grieving process in the two months after the first affair. I had plenty of anger then, mixed up with lots of other feelings. Now, I feel a more distant sense of loss. It feels like I went through a tragedy, but it doesn't feel like it's still going on.

Does the social circle know that she cheated on you?

I've told many of my friends that don't know her and some of our mutual friends that I met first. The ones that she met first don't know, and they probably never will. (Unless she decides to tell; I found out that she already told someone in her family, which I wasn't expecting.) If they decide to "pick sides", then that's fine with me. I don't expect it, but those people aren't so important to me that I need to claim them for myself or whatever.

I'm about to skip to page 5.

You said

"So I wanted to let you know that is what I feel that I need to do at this time. I know that I could end up regretting it, but I also feel that I will regret it if I don't explore it either. I don't want to always be wondering what it might have been like, and I don't think that it would be fair to you either if I did."

OMG! My Wayward said pretty much the same STUPID thing! It's like "Are you stupid?! Your more concerned about regretting a fantasy over reality?!" - Never take that woman back! EVER!

She's been faking you this whole time. And someday SHE WILL REGRET screwing you over.

You don't have her herpes. She will Always have that reminder of how she got it... and what she lost, for a life time.

Don't be friends with her, ever. Don't ever, EVER kiss or have sex with her, no matter what!

Good luck in meeting better women... Keep seeing the / a therapist.

(Edit - caught up)

To some degree, she regrets everything she is doing as she has done nothing but lose you and anything else of real value. If she ignores you, GREAT. If she stalks you, deal with it legally.

Continue to work on yourself. Go to gym, work out, lose weight and better yourself. You are young and have access to better women.

PS: If someone on "her side" attacks you because you left her (who knows what she has told them). Just say "She got herpes from cheating on me from XYZ, that is why I broke up with her when she cheated back to him the 2nd time." Of ignore them as well.

I've seen people lie about the strangest bullshit. And in their crazy minds, its truth.

[This message edited by SuperNBD at 9:00 AM, July 9th (Saturday)]

Toopol - you're handling this great.

I would get rid of the new IC - 1) she sounds terrible and 2) if she specialized in infidelity, does it mean that she makes more money when couples try to reconcile and continue counseling than when they just split and stop counseling? I can't imagine any infidelity counselor will be pro-split when it's against their monetary interest.

With regard to your ex being attractive and you not, fortunately, there is a simple fix. Go work out!! Guys peak in attractiveness in their 30s, unlike women. You have plenty of upside. Go low carb/keto, hit the gym hard. Go read marriedredpill on reddit. I guarantee you'll be drawing in women a lot higher quality both in morals and attractiveness than your ex in 6 months.

[This message edited by french123 at 2:41 AM, July 10th (Sunday)]

Glad to see some positive updates

Yes selfish and greedy. Very wayward. Its pretty likely she kept in contact with him in some for while stateside, and this wasn't a 2nd affair but rather continuing. She wouldn't have told you. And this would've been a continuing cycle every time she traveled. Her justifications getting even more muddled (well I chose toopol, this guy is just here, blahblah)

It's hars, but also easier, when we get that distance.to see choices and actions, rather than continuing to compare and define them by what we hoped

Good luck on the move!

My ex did the EXACT thing as yours did--- 6 months of lying about A, then confessed. few months later said she was sorry and wanted to R with me. I stupidly believed her. I went back. She agreed to NC with affair person. Slowly, though as the weeks went by she would cry and say how much she missed affair person. And little by little started to distance herself from me, say cruel things, avoid my texts and phone calls. And then called me and confessed to having contacted the affair person, but that she just needed "resolve" and that chapter of the book was "closed", and affair person would be moving on. I was angry she had broken NC with affair person, but relived that the A was over. WRONG

Very next day calls me and says the "chapter" of the book is not closed-- it's "opened" and that she WILL have contact with the affair person.

Well, I was devastated and very angry-- been going through this for over a year. It about killed me. I got angry, texted her what I thought about her and affair person-- just a few texts, no name calling but obviously angry in tone-- the very next day the ex has one of her friends text me that she will be "blocking" me from ever having contact with her again-- very painful since I was the one to build up ex's business (from the ground up-- with no compensation of any kind.) Also said that I was "dangerous" and "manipulative"--

REALLY????? when she's the one diagnosed personality disorders?? OMFG Lying and cheating isn't dangerous or manipulative?!

Also painful because she is making me look like I'm such a horrible person that she has to block me. Awful. So hurtful--

it's been a couple of weeks toopol. how's it going?

Still okay. I’m spending a lot of time assembling IKEA stuff and otherwise furnishing the new apartment. It’s fun. :)

I’ve had a couple of bad nights, though. Sometimes I miss the good times I had with her (and there were many). Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I even feel sorry for her. It’s complicated. I’ve never seriously doubted my decision to leave, though. I’ve considered and reconsidered it in a dozen different ways, and I always reach the same conclusion.

Whenever I think about the idea of getting back together, it seems like a trainwreck waiting to happen. I don’t doubt that she sincerely meant all her promises to me, but I can’t imagine that those good intentions would survive the healing process. She couldn’t handle it before, and even if it were true that she “knows what she wants” now, she would *never* be able to handle it now. I can’t bring myself to hate her, but we’re so, so obviously done.

When I think about all that she said to me after the breakup, I end up having imaginary conversations with her, and I end up becoming bitter and impatient with her, even if I don’t start that way. She says that she regrets it terribly, and I think “isn’t that what you said the first time around?” She promises that she can handle my anger this time, and I think “you couldn’t handle it before, and that was when I was holding back; you never even saw the half of it.” She tells me that she was just trying to figure out what she wanted, and I think “go fuck yourself.”

When is reconciliation the right call? I’ve thought a lot about the proper “realistic” perspective. Most books and other sources will argue that good people will sometimes do terrible things, and that it’s possible to heal from it. I think that’s basically true. My ex-girlfriend quoted Not Just Friends to argue that I shouldn’t have made a decision until at least 3 months had passed from the first Dday, and thus I should give her another chance. It seems possible that we were in false reconciliation, and that maybe it really was possible to save the relationship if we reconciled for real. Maybe, the thought goes, maybe that’s the mature and realistic perspective. Maybe leaving her was an impulsive, short-sighted decision that will make me less happy in the long run. But I felt a little better when I turned this argument around. If she can say “shit happens” and use “realism” as an excuse for her bad choices, then I can say the same about leaving her. That, too, is a “realistic” chain of events. Sometimes you cheat on your partner and they dump you, even if you do everything right. Sometimes you don’t get a second (or third) chance. She made her choices, and I made mine. We can never know what might have happened otherwise. *That’s* real life.

I’ve stopped seeing the new therapist (neither of us thought it was all that productive), but in the sessions we did have, we spent a lot of time discussing the nature of the relationship before the affair took place. It’s tempting to cast it all as a mistake, but it honestly doesn’t seem bad. Before the affair, we had problems, but they were relatively commonplace and fixable. We treated each other well and made each other happy. So I ask myself, does that mean I should have kept trying to make it work? And the answer is: no. Even if it’s possible to repair this damage, the affair revealed something new about her. I never thought that the affair was possible until it happened. Up to that point, it was understandable why I loved her and why I decided to propose to her. And after that point, it’s just as easy to understand why I broke up with her. I hate that I spent 7 years with her before it all came crashing down, but I can forgive myself for the steps I took along the way.

I made some bad judgements and choices, and they eventually exposed me to immense pain. I could have acted more wisely. But the traits that led me to this end: loving deeply, staying loyal, always giving the benefit of the doubt, seeing the best in people... I *love* those parts of myself. For the right person, those will be a great gift. I don’t want this experience to change me too much, to make me hard or cynical or untrusting. I just want to find someone worthy of my kindness, my vulnerability, and my love.

^^^^

Exactly. Sometimes infidelity is a deal breaker. That's the chance that waywards take, when they make the decision to be unfaithful. And if it is a dealbreaker, then that's OK. There IS someone out there that IS worthy of your love, care, commitment, and all of the good things that you have to offer. And letting your FWGF take that way from you, would be criminal. It would be allowing her to strip out part of what makes you, you, and you unique. Yes, of course, there are regrets and hurt, because when you're vulnerable to someone and they throw that gift away, pain is a natural result. But that pain will lessen and eventually be a part of your past, as long as you continue on your path out of infidelity and out of the toxic relationship. A quality man (or woman), willing to offer his heart, his vulnerability, and his care, is an amazing person that will attract equally quality partners. And the knowledge that you have gained during this time will serve you well in seeking out that quality partner. Keep on walking, brother. You're doing very well.

Not Just Friends is a great book with tons of valuable advice. But it's advice slanted mostly towards married couples.

Bottom line is that you two were not married, even though you were in a long term relationship. And it just didn't work out.

Don't feel guilty for ending the relationship. You didn't HAVE to wait 3 or 6 months to make a decision because you two really didn't have any legal entanglements you would have to get out of. She cheated and you learned that infidelity was a breaking point for you.

Look, it's normal to second guess yourself. But you made the right decision for YOU. And if a couple years down the road you two should meet and she's fixed herself there is nothing saying you can't give it another shot.

I think you've done remarkable well.

k9

Thinkin about you, toop, hope you are doing alright.

A few years ago I visited Hiroshima in Japan and visited the museum there. One detail that I remember vividly is the story of the Hibaku Jumoku or "survivor trees". In the aftermath of the atomic bombing, scientists claimed that nothing would grow in the city for 75 years, and the survivors despaired of ever being able to rebuild. But soon, they saw green leaves sprouting into the air. Even in that devastated soil, there were new beginnings: the humble promises of a future.

-----------------------

Tonight I went to a big meetup, and it went about as well as I could have imagined. I hit it off with a bunch of new acquaintances, and I left with invitations to hang out in the future. I made friends.

One of the people I chatted with was a really cute girl, and she asked for my number before I left. My tendency is to go on wild flights of fancy about where that might lead, and I'm trying to avoid being too silly about it. But still, it feels good. It might not turn out to be anything much in the long run, but in this moment, it's meaningful. It's a promise that things can still grow here.

Wow Toopol, what a wonderful update 😁!

See, things will get better! New friends, maybe new girl and a brighter future.

Take things slowly but enjoy yourself.

Made me smile to read this!!!

So cool toopol!!

t/j: I'm currently in Japan and am going to Hiroshima this weekend where I will attend the annual peace ceremony (on the anniversary of the bomb).

Thank you for telling us! I personally love reassurances that life can move forward after this nightmare! Thank you!

I think toopol and MOVED ON...

:)

I thought about you last week and was wondering how you were doing.

Sounds like you've made some strides in your healing, please post an update if so inclined. It will help others who have walked in these painful shoes to know there is light at the very long tunnel.

Always happy to talk about myself. :P

I still haven't seen my ex-girlfriend since the breakup. After that first crazy post-breakup week, she has respected my request to only talk about logistics. Things still come up from time to time (a shared Costco membership, issues with the mail after my change of address, etc), but we basically don't talk.

I've also barely had any contact with most of the mutual friends that I met through her. I moved to another part of town, which doesn't help, but I still didn't expect to completely cut off from them (even though some people here recommended it). That said, it's not so bad. I've kept myself too-busy with work and travel and other social engagements, and I've been really enjoying my new life. Surprisingly, I don't really miss the stuff I left behind.

I do still think about the affair more often than I'd like (which I suppose is why I checked this forum again). There are a million ways that I can get reminded of it, and although it doesn't sting like it did when that wound was fresh, it bothers me. I don't think I left with too much emotional scarring, but I do have a lot of bad memories. They're like little bubbles of pain that sometimes pop unexpectedly. I understand that it will always be a part of my past and that it will fade away gradually over the years, and I'm okay with that. In the meantime, I just hope it doesn't cause complications for any new relationships.

One thing I've noticed is that my love for my ex-girlfriend faded away relatively quickly, while my bitterness and anger towards her betrayal has faded more slowly. As a result, I feel *more* bitter towards her than I did when we were in the midst of it all. When I think about the things she said and the things she did, I find myself in an eye-rolling "go fuck yourself" mood very quickly. When I went on reddit and on the JFO forum and posted my story after the first affair, almost everyone thought that her behavior was ridiculous and that I should obviously leave. I think that, as I gain distance from it all, I'm starting to drift more towards that outsider perspective, and she looks worse and worse.

In personal news, I've nearly finished furnishing my new apartment (just bought a couch), and I love it. I've been exercising every day and started lifting weights now that I have access to a gym just downstairs. I've been cooking for myself in a kitchen decked out with all my favorite gadgets and equipment. I've joined a couple new meetup groups and have been growing closer to some of my own local friends, who all live closer to me now. Business is booming and I'm thinking of taking some time off next year. I'm toying with the idea of getting a dog or cat.

Given all of that, I think my life is in pretty darn good shape! I'd love to get all the healing stuff done with quickly, but I imagine it can't really be rushed. So I'll be patient, and I'll keep checking in on this thread from time to time. :)