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Great work Toopol! Keep reading self-improvements.

Also, read the chapter in "Not Just friends" on healing by yourself. Its page 357 I think.

Getting yourself healed, you will FIND better women and know better how to handle yourself.

And just consider yourself LUCKY! That your EX had done it to you AGAIN - before you married her and made that you were done with her. If you had kids with her, it would be far worse and you'd being dealing with affair-herpes.

Seriously, her future - every single time SHE is about to (maybe) get laid by a new guy, she is going to be reminded HOW she got herpes and what it cost her.

You can out on top - for being the honest good guy you are.

Now hit the gym, pick up social hobbies and do light dating.

Toopool, great to hear from you again! Always wonder about many members who drop out of site hoping they have moved on.

Sounds like your life is back on track, yes, you will still have emotional distress bc of your gf cheating, but it WILL become less and less.

I have four rescue dogs, and after my D-Day, they are what kept me going (my kids as well ). They have so much unconditional love.

Keep us posted once in awhile...

Bravo Toopol! You are wise beyond your years!

I'm always heartened to hear about men who have the courage to stand up for their values. Though you two were not married and have no kids, yours was a long term relationship and severing the deep connections is traumatic, just like in any long term marriage.

Just a helpful tip: If you find yourself having mood swings (alternate anger/sadness/happiness), a good resource that helped me early in my healing is Feeling Good by David Burns MD. It's a book on cognitive behavior therapy and worked wonders for me.

Here's to your continued healing. In your brand-new single phase, you will encounter scores of beautiful, intelligent, grounded and emotionally healthy women out there who will not cheat under any circumstances. You're doing just fine.

thanks for the update Toopol. I'm glad you're doing well. I know you shouldn't be spending time thinking about her, but if you know, I'm curious about what she has done. Does she have a new boyfriend? Is she still in contact with her AP? Please don't seek her out. I know it's better to just forget about her. But if you know, I'm curious if she's gotten any insight, or if she has any regrets. It's a pretty sad story for her to be hoping to get married and then to lose the guy she wanted because she can't control her hormones. I don't know. I'm just curious.

Definitely glad that you're doing well.

Oh Toopol...wow! I'm so proud of you! You are doing amazing! Met a girl yet? 😁

I didn't think you would be, I really really didn't, but you are my new hero.

Cats are great, so are rescue dogs but if you're looking for a smart breed, Australian Shepherd's are great. They're a lot of work but you're home, which is good, but they are so so smart. Really good at agility courses and good with commands. I'm teaching my 1 year old to pick up her doggy toys and put them away 😂😂😂.

Please keep us posted.

[This message edited by atalosss at 9:35 PM, September 21st (Wednesday)]

I wanted to ask for some advice about Facebook. I'm friends with a bunch of my ex-girlfriend's family members. They're wonderful people, and at least one of them has indicated that he heard about the affair and was on my side. Recently they've been liking my stuff on Facebook and occasionally commenting. On the one hand, I don't really want to have this extra connection to my ex-girlfriend, and I'm not sure if it's appropriate to be chummy with her family. On the other hand, I don't want them to feel like I'm rebuking them by unfriending or restricting them. Maybe I should just stay silent and not engage with them?

Also, my ex-girlfriend started liking my FB posts again, which marked our first non-logistics interaction since she accepted the breakup. She had Restricted my access to her Facebook page, so I can only see stuff like her new profile pictures (which is how I saw that the other guy was still in touch with her). I didn't want to unfriend her because I'm proud and petty and didn't want to be the first one to do it. But I also didn't want this to be an entry point back into my life. So I took a cue from her and Restricted her access to my profile. Now we're even.

This is obviously *incredibly* minor and insignificant compared to the problems I was dealing with before. I like that.

And just consider yourself LUCKY! That your EX had done it to you AGAIN - before you married her and made that you were done with her.

I *do* consider myself lucky! I think that I'll always imagine "what would my life be like if I had never found this out about her" and I don't imagine that I'd be happier in a marriage with her. Close call!

I have four rescue dogs, and after my D-Day, they are what kept me going (my kids as well ). They have so much unconditional love.

Oh man, I believe it. I had a dog growing up, and I could use that sort of love in my life! But I don't think it would be very responsible to get a pet quite yet. I want to be a little more established first. :)

Oh Toopol...wow! I'm so proud of you! You are doing amazing! Met a girl yet?

Sorta kinda! I haven't asked anyone out yet, partly because I wanted to want to make sure I'm not carrying too much baggage and partly because I haven't gone on a first date in so many years (and most of my dating experience back then was not exactly confidence-inspiring). Eventually I'll just have to take the plunge... But anyway, I have met several girls who I'd be happy to date, and that's reassuring. It makes me feel like there's a lot of fish in the sea, and it gives me confidence that I'm moving on from my past relationship.

I know you shouldn't be spending time thinking about her, but if you know, I'm curious about what she has done. Does she have a new boyfriend? Is she still in contact with her AP?

Believe me, I'm curious too! But I don't have many ways of finding out, and I don't think it would be good for me to put effort into it. I was recently hanging out with some old mutual friends, and I thought about asking them what they knew, but in the end it didn't seem appropriate. On Facebook, all I can see is her new profile pictures. The AP liked and commented on those, so I assume she added him back as a friend on there, but that doesn't mean much on its own.

I'm certain she had an emotional few weeks after the breakup, and I think she intended to continue therapy on her own. Soon after the breakup, she told at least one member of her family, which I wasn't sure she would do. (I know because he contacted me to say he was "horrified" by what he heard.) Beyond that, I can only speculate.

I'm sympathetic towards her, which I realize is a little dangerous. I don't think she's evil, and I imagine she went through a lot of pain, but I also don't think she's a safe partner or a good match for me. So I'm just going to continue my no-contact approach, and maybe even step it up a notch.

I am pretty cordial with WXW, but she is still blocked on Facebook. To much potential drama.

My wife checks her page on occasion and shows me amusing public updates.

Good on you toopol!

You sound healthy, confident, and strong. More sure of yourself and like you have taken control of your life. Way to go!

Smart move on restricting FB access. You do not want to open the door for her. And wise to be cautious about jumping into a new relationship after a long term recently ended in such a way. Not fair to you or the new person.

Keep doing things for you. You're getting stronger by the day.

Great to hear from you.

I didn't want to unfriend her because I'm proud and petty and didn't want to be the first one to do it.

If she unfriended you first is that how you'd think of her? Odds are it would feel like a punch in the gut if she did it first so...

I would unfollow any of her family but I would have unfriended her on day one (you can always friend her back later or better yet wait for her to send another request...then make her wait). The problem will be when you start dating again and they see you are friends with a cheating ex that might not sit will with them.

That being said I am friends with many of my ex's on FB but manly to show them how much better off I am without them.

If she unfriended you first is that how you'd think of her? Odds are it would feel like a punch in the gut if she did it first so...

I don't think so, actually. I think I'd feel like "I win!" That's what I mean by proud and petty.

That being said I am friends with many of my ex's on FB but manly to show them how much better off I am without them.

That was also kind of my intent. Like, on some level, I wanted to pretend that I wasn't even thinking of her, not even enough to unfriend her. To do so now would be to show that she's still in my thoughts. But that's getting a little silly, since I *do* think about the affair fairly often, and it's probably better to just cut ties and be done with it.

Probably the best move is to just unfriend her and rip the band aid off. It's just inviting drama.

And, just be cautiously wary of posting new, personal stuff on your FB when her family are still friends. If they relay anything to your ex, drama could be the result.

Depending on how much time you have for a pet a cat is a good option if you will be out a lot.

Besides some love you just need to make sure it has plenty of food and water and clean litter box.

You don't have to worry about walking them everyday.

Soon enough you will have another girlfriend, this will fade away much more quickly then.

Leave your ex-girlfriend's family on you facebook, but avoid direct messages with them. If they contact you, be polite but aloof. As if they are the family of an ex-girlfriend, not like they are your friends. This relationship will fade away over time. You need do nothing and it will fade anyway.

Regarding facebook and social media, you do what you feel you need to do to heal. Don't need to do more than just let them know "In order for me to heal, I need closure and remove reminders about what was, nothing personal etc etc" just be cordial, people generally are understanding about not wanting to reminded about ex's.

I removed all of ex's family and friends from my lists as it was for me needed to start proper healing, but my situation was slightly different with them clearly taking ex's side.

Hi,

I'm in a really similar situation that you were in (My story http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=592498&AP=1&HL= ) and was wondering if you would be able to message me. Thanks.

My ex-girlfriend contacted me again! She called yesterday but I missed it. (I wouldn't have picked it up anyway.) Today she sent a text:

Hey, I was hoping to talk with you, but I don't know if you are ready yet, or if you still need more time and space from me. Let me know.

We've already had a few texts back-and-forth about breakup logistics over the past few months, so this seems like something more than that. Of course, I don't know what she wanted to talk about. The worst-case scenario is that she wanted to see if I was open to getting back together. Or, maybe she just wanted to see if I'd be friends with her again. Or maybe she's just curious, like me, and wanted to hear about how I was doing and what I was up to. None of those sounded like conversations I'd want to have, though.

I sent her this response:

I'd rather not. I know I talked about seeing each other and hanging out again after some time had passed, but I've since changed my mind about that. If there's something that really needs discussing, I'd prefer to keep to text or email.

That seemed nicer than "never talk to me again". I'm again curious about where her mind is at. But I'm resigned to not knowing, and that seems like the better option.

Too pool when you are ready you need to go no contact. No contact = no new hurt. She doesn't deserve to be any part of your new life. Friends don't treat each other the way she treated you. Block her on everything. You don't need her shadow in your new beginning.

She immediately went back to OM after promising you that, no matter what, she wanted nothing to do with him. If there was a chance at reconciling a friendship in the future, she burned that bridge immediately. Your response what fantastic. She is simply not worth it. Like a gum-covered penny on the ground.

How's the business going? How is it making new friends?

well, I'd be curious. I'm not advising this, but I'd want to know what she is up to. For the record, I think the best thing is to move on with no contact. I think that's the best move. Move on to indifference.

That being said, I'm curious about whether she has really improved. I mean, last I heard, the AP is a facebook friend. How can she possibly think that is a good thing if she wants to be friends with you? I'd be curious to hear what she has to say about that.

I'm also appalled that she argued that she was trustworthy enough to go back to the middle east and then within a week she was fucking him. I mean, now that you've got some distance, aren't you appalled too? It's just, why would she even think you wanted to talk to her again? It's like she seems to think it's not a big deal.

so yeah, for my own benefit, I'm very curious to hear what she has to say for herself.

but I repeat, my advice is to just move on. Wish her well. But move on. Move to indifference. Find a girlfriend that hasn't cheated on you.

- but if curiosity is killing you, please report back here. :)

Good luck buddy.

[This message edited by mike7 at 10:56 AM, October 4th (Tuesday)]