SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It made me dig deeper into my faith. I have gained a deeper understanding of who I am and whose I am. I now set better boundaries.

I wish I had found SI sooner.

I guess I will have the same responses as most on here but wanted to respond.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

Its really hit my self esteem and core. I question a lot of myself. I know from the people on here and in my life telling me otherwise but I do feel less of a man and person. I find myself asking what is wrong with me that she threw away our marriage. I don't feel as happy like I used to. I just go thru my day and start over the next day.

How did you cope/not cope?

The support here was beyond helpful. Friends as well and my sister was a big help to me. I just realized that wallowing in self pity was not going to move my life along or get me anywhere. I work a lot I find it keeps me focused and time waster. I think my coping is a work in progress.

Have you been able to heal?

I just keep telling myself better days are ahead. They have to be better than what I am in now. Thru this I really was woken up on the nastiness of my wife. I really saw her for what she really is and that helps. I hope I heal. I worry because even though I have a lot I can do better in I really gave 100% of myself to her and her son and it was not enough it seems. I worry that I can never make another woman feel that again. I don't see how I could do more for someone else than I did for my wife. Once I can get past that I think my healing will get easier to accept.

As a person, I now question every decision I make. I wonder what enemy is crawling around in my camp. My exwh snuck right under the radar for so long that it makes me wonder if it was him or if the whole world is just that good at lying and covering up who they really are. I'm also much more scared of my future than I ever was. It's not that I can't take care of myself and my kids. I have been doing that by myself for a lot of years now, but I loved the security (or, as it turns out, false sense of security) that being married gave me. Like, if I lost a job, I would be devastated, but I would have someone there who would also be able to help me. I would have a back up and I would have the emotional support I needed to believe that everything was going to be okay. I don't have that and it makes me afraid sometimes.

How do I cope? Unfortunately, I built up a big wall and I'm not sure anyone will ever get over it. I have my family and my good friends and I still see my IC every once in a while. I do the things I like when I have the time. But, I think my way of coping is to stick to myself and to stay within my small circle. Venturing outside the circle seems to equate to future pain. I know that's bad and not a healthy way to be, but it's my way of protecting myself. Hopefully, that will subside one day, but I can't say for sure.

Have I been able to heal? I think I've healed as much as I can. I'm over my exwh and, for the most part, I'm over what he did. I don't know really how you completely heal from something like this though - it's a trauma and I think the very best you can strive for is to have it scar over. Every once in a while though, that wound under the scar is going to flare up with a little pain.

It changed me in a very profound way, it killed something way down deep in my soul. I have thought about this often, about how it changed me.

I have probably missed out on some good friendships over the years because of it. I have refused to associate or be friends with any male person she has worked with since it all blew up. That was a protective reaction for me so that if I found out there was another one it wouldn't hurt because I wouldn't know that person anyway.

I know I have missed out on some good times with her because of the pain pulling me into the darkness and making me lock her and everybody else out. I have made sure nobody could ever hurt me like that again, unfortunately to do that I have not been able to love like I really want to.

What has the affair done to you?

Totally blew my trust in most people. I still trust family and few friends.

How did you cope?

After the initial blow, I stayed calm whenever I spoke with him. He asked me many times to drop the divorce, but, I refused. I was not going to stay in a three person marriage. I have no desire to date, never will because I do not want to risk ever going through something like this again.

Have you been able to heal?

Not totally yet. I still have some time to go if it really does take two to five years for that, but, I feel I am making strides in that direction every day.

I am embarrassed to say that it has changed me forever. I take responsibility for that. He did the deed – but I allowed it to ruin my life.

I got comfort and I coped through this website.

But I have never healed.

I am 63, married 44years, the affair happened 35 Years ago, but I found out a year ago. I was devastated. It was like my whole marriage was a sham. I lost self esteem, lost trust, and gained anger. I am not the same person I was. I never expected that I would be so hurt by this, especially as it was over many years ago. Am I healing? Some days I think I am, other days, I do not know. Husband is remorseful and we are trying to move forward. Infidelity is cruel, no matter how old you are.

On the negative side:

It caused my impending divorce, which is financially devastating since I'm in my late 50s.

It shook my faith in humankind to see someone who was so loyal for 22 years become a craven narcissist with no regard for my well being

It greatly imperiled my relationship with my now 18 YO daughter, for reasons I cannot fathom.

It caused me to devalue myself and doubt my self-worth and attractiveness

On the plus side:

It made me examine my co-dependency tendencies in relationships and formalize what I will and won't put up with in a relationship

It made me learn to live more in the moment

It forced me to love myself, including my flaws, without external affirmation

It gave me the opportunity to un-tether myself from someone who I now realize is deeply fucked up and whom trust can never again be offered.

The affair destroyed my idea of love. It changed the way I trust. I coped by focusing on me for once, and talking through things.

I haven't healed. An affair is like a knife to the heart - you may be able to patch yourself up, but you will never be the same.

Answers from an Oldtimer . . .

It gave me the gift of knowing I can survive. I can trust the person I see in the mirror 100% and that is the most important thing in the world.

How did you cope/not cope?

Exercise, IC, anti-depressants, EMDR therapy, introspection.

Have you been able to heal?

Yes - it took time - quite a bit of time - even after the D was final. I am healed, but I have scars. The scars don't hurt, they are more of a reminder of what happened and that I came through it to the other side. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pleasant, but damn it - I made it!

Sending strength and peace.

NL

I'll post my own responses here:

1, It totally changed me as a person. It opened my eyes to relationships and human beings. It made me realise that the person closest to you, is the person whom can hurt and break you the most. I will never be able to solely trust again BUT I refuse to treat everyone as untrustworthy, only my husband is entitled to that fabulous title (sarcasm) until proven otherwise.

2, I did not cope. I raged, at him and at the AP. I was in survival mode and that is all. I lost a ton of weight and slipped back into an eating disorder.

3, I have healed. I still HATE my ex husband with a passion. We share children together so I hide it from them but I hate him. Even though I have moved on and I am happily in a relationship and expecting a child, he still thinks he controls my life

The best revenge is letting someone see you don't NEED them, that you can bounce back wether in R or D. In my case in D. He broke my heart and soul, left me in a deep depression for a year-ish but he now gets to see me happy for the rest of my life.

For me, pain is an opportunity to grow.

My STBXW's affair, and more importantly, her actions that followed, was painful, but it was also an eye opener.

My self esteem actually took an upward swing. I was always made to feel "less then", coming up short, not meeting expectations, etc by my STBXW. I now realize those were always control tactics to "keep me in line".

The realization that, I AM a good guy, I AM a good father, I DO have a good heart, I DO have a great sense of humor, I DO have alot to offer other people, people like me and like spending time with me. I love joking and laughing, so it's contagious.

Don't get me wrong, I've gone through the same pain and betrayel everyone else has. I've had the sleepless nights, the crying, the not eating, the knots in the stomach, but I've reached a point where I realize I'm not the problem.

I'm far from perfect, but I have WAY too much to offer to allow other people to bring me down or keep me down. Nobody has that power over me anymore.

I will trust people again. I will be vunerable again. I will be hurt again. That's just life, but I'm sooo looking forward to the opportunities in front of me - getting my own place. Decorating it the way I want. Doing what I want, when I want. Getting my puppy & kitten. Getting my new Harley. Meeting new people. Laughing and having fun.

I'm not losing out. I'm grateful for the pain I've gone through, because it's made me a better person.

This whole thing has been so debilitating on so many levels. In the beginning my self esteem was shot. He was younger, in better shape, and the whole thing took place under my nose. She dropped him like a hot potato, and swore to me that I was so much better and I was who she wanted. Like I was supposed to be happy that she choose me? BFD. She had to. He was so inappropriate in every way. I was a mess for a couple of years.

I then used this to get myself in a better place. I got in great shape, took up martial arts, bought a vacation home, and retired. All the things I wanted to do. But everything just didn't have the joy it was supposed to. I was chasing things to make myself feel better. Things were just so flat. I have some happiness coming back to my life, but not really from the relationship. All the above things are now starting to give me real joy, but from a perspective of self.

Occasionally I will have some fun with my wife, but it is short lived. the memories of what she did to me coming rushing back and the flatness does too.

Now to make matters worse, I am finally calling it quits. This was supposed to be our next great phase and now it isn't going to happen. Holidays split, friends probably divided, all the things that should never of had to happen are happening. She is taking that much worse than me, and frankly is a basket case with signs of real depression coming on. Probably the Jewish guilt, but now I feel terrible about that.

the better question is what didn't it do to screw up my life.

For me, my first brush with infidelity (6yr LTR) was an incredibly painful experience, but once I detached it was also incredibly empowering. I realized that no one would ever have such a deep hold on me that I would accept less than I deserved in a relationship.

In the years since I have become far more self-centered in how I view and conduct my relationships. I use the term self-centered in a literal sense to mean that I know what I want and what I will or won't accept in a relationship and I don't redraw those boundaries for anyone.

I love my wife. I want to stay with her the rest of my life and have no zero interest in other women. But I'm also not a fool who thinks she is the sole woman in a population of 3.5+ billion women I could be happy with. If she shows me that she is unworthy of my trust she will be replaced.

This works best for me, but I don't have kids and my finances are such that divorce is just kinda shitty rather than devastating. YMMV.

[This message edited by anothermr at 5:58 PM, August 31st (Wednesday)]

What the affair did to me?

1 )Made me realise that I'm stronger than I thought

2) always listen to my gut ALWAYS

3) SPEAK UP for myself EVERYTIME

4) I'll make it with and without him

My ex husbands affair infuriated me, after the insane amount of sacrifices I had made for our marriage, and because of my fierce loyalty. BUT... It was by far the best thing that could have happened to me, because without it I couldn't have *just left*.

All you new folks... It can be a blessing in disguise. You just have to have the fortitude to stand up for yourself and decide what you really want in your life.

And, it has brought to the forefront the character traits I've always believed in and had, but when faced with the exact opposite, and unremorseful to boot, my character is that much stronger.

Lastly... It's given me an opportunity to make crystal clear right from wrong and self worth to my kids. That's huge.

What has the affair done to you as a person?

How did you cope/not cope?

Have you been able to heal?

1) It took too much of my attention off of everything important. I became a generally distracted person.

2) I coped with crying spells in the beginning. I became another person and acted out in anger - cursing, throwing thing, yelling. I was an emotional wreck. Now, I'm able to begin healing with new coping methods of talking to select people (in places like the beauty salon, phone with some friends, some family), SI, and through my faith in Jesus Christ.

3) I have begun to heal. I have days of regression, though. But my healing is in very slow progress.

Her affair enslaved me to try to solve the unsolvable riddle of how to forgive myself for forgiving her.

Thissux, our names are not only so similar, our thoughts are as well. I can't answer these questions, I'm still new at this. But you just hit the nail on the head. How do I forgive myself for even contemplating reconciling with a WH who did something so unforgivable to me? Some days that's the worst part of all of this.

[This message edited by Thissucks5678 at 11:30 PM, August 31st (Wednesday)]

Thissux, are names are not only so similar, are thoughts are as well. I can't answer these questions, I'm still new at this. But you just hit the nail on the head. How do I forgive myself for even contemplating reconciling with a WH who did something so unforgivable to me?