SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Farsidejunky, i would agree except that she told me about it. I wouldnt have found out until who knows when. I dont know. Im reading a book that is going into different deficiencies in people and marriages that make them succeptible to cheating. It's interesting and hopefully will help.

I agree that her confession carries more weight than discovery. I am also glad you are reading different books. Knowledge is power, and gives greater understanding.

That said, understanding does not equal compatibility. She has to do the work. She has to identify why she thought it okay to risk everything for ego kibbles. She has to take initiative in this.

You really need to focus on your own healing while holding her accountable for demonstrating, through actions not words, that she can be a safe partner again.

You don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow, or even next week. In fact, I think that would be premature. But you do need to tell her what you expect and see if she packs the gear to follow through.

Take care, brother.

Im reading a book that is going into different deficiencies in people and marriages that make them succeptible to cheating. It's interesting and hopefully will help.

How about they had the opportunity, they wanted to and they went ahead and did it.

Sometimes it's really that simple.

How about they had the opportunity, they wanted to and they went ahead and did it.

Sometimes it's really that simple.

cake eater

Character flaw and yes sometimes it is that simple.

How about they had the opportunity, they wanted to and they went ahead and did it.

Sometimes it's really that simple.

And it may be, but I think she wouldn't be having a hard time figuring out the whys and whatnot if it was that simple. Her IC had asked her a bunch of statements about fidelity and whatnot and she told me she agreed with the not cheating side of it all, but was confused because, she's a dirty fucking cheater, haha.

I also don't buy the whole opportunity thing too much in the sense that she has had tons of opportunity (I trusted her implicitly) over the years and hasn't taken advantage of it. Something was different this time.

Hi, which book is that you're reading at the moment? Btw, what did you think of "Not just friends"? It's the best book on infidelity I've read thus far.

Hi, which book is that you're reading at the moment? Btw, what did you think of "Not just friends"? It's the best book on infidelity I've read thus far.

I liked Not Just Friends, fine. It kinda was triggery to me. The book I am reading now is better, imo. It's "Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart" by Douglas K. Snyder. Minnesota recommended it to me, and it is the best book I have read so far.

she wouldn't be having a hard time figuring out the whys and whatnot if it was that simple

Because she sees how she deceived herself. She had low self esteem, low self worth, low self image, and low moral boundaries. And yes he is scum and knew what to say and push her to cake eat. "No one would know"

but was confused because, she's a dirty fucking cheater

Exactly she can't figure out how she could not see reality because it was so fucking simple yet her coping mechanisms minimized it

she has had tons of opportunity

So did my wife and I. We joked about some in fact. And her AP #3 actually consoled her on a business trip that a college wanted to buy her a drink alone at a bar. She was terrified he was hitting on her, yet same business trip she slept with her "white knight" for the first time who said the right things. You know he is a nice guy and all so it made it better how dare that other guy hit on her in a bar.

Sometimes finding reason and sense in something so senseless and stupid will drive you crazy and may never be found. Because it was selfish behavior!

:Beer:

[This message edited by sneaker at 10:00 AM, October 22nd (Saturday)]

There is a chapter in the book I mentioned above about how we can get to the bottom of why and how the affair happened. It gives like 7 possible scenarios about mental state and whatnot for how she could do this. I am curious to see what she thinks when she reads that chapter. A couple of the scenarios seem close to what she is telling me.

To truly understand a thing, you must be independent of it.

Desert, I read your story. Just like your wife is not the first person to cheat with a boss. You are not the first to fight through the consequences.

It's a tough hand to be dealt brother. I know how much it hurts. But you are handling things well!

Time will provide you perspective which shall give the wisdom you seek.

Your situation is interesting in that despite the contradictions your Cheating wife does show some level of accountability and desire to repair what she broke.

I can give you no real advice on R as that was not to be my path.

Wheather your situation ends in R or D is only partly in your influence.

What is 100% in your control is your behavior, your future and the person you become following this life event.

Sure none of this was your doing. But you can perhaps use the opportunity to better yourself. Be a better partner and a better person.

Look back and be proud of yourself and behavior.

I wish you well Desert.

Thanks for your insight! It means a lot. I do think she wants to fix things. I just don't know if i can come to terms with the whole thing.

Desert, you are right to question and dwell upon your choices. None of the paths ahead are easy. But they can lead to a great future.

It is a strong temptation to want to return to the good old days with the one you love. But that is not a reality or possibility. If you R, your relationship will be different. But possibly better than before. Ther is no higher gift than forgiveness.

The problem being that R requires great input of another person. One that has demonstrated horrible behaviour.

The important question may be can you trust this person to put forth all the effort required to discover why she caused this devastation and what she needs to bring to repair all the damage.

This maybe something you won't discover until you start the process.

A lot of great info on this site about R. Right now continue looking after yourself. It's great that you have found some relief

In working out. Do you have any good connections with friends or family that you can confide in?

Keep asking all the great people here your questions.

It truly is amazing how the fundementals behind so many stories are so similar. We are after all dealing with the age old problem. People.

And it may be, but I think she wouldn't be having a hard time figuring out the whys and whatnot if it was that simple. Her IC had asked her a bunch of statements about fidelity and whatnot and she told me she agreed with the not cheating side of it all, but was confused because, she's a dirty fucking cheater, haha.

I also don't buy the whole opportunity thing too much in the sense that she has had tons of opportunity (I trusted her implicitly) over the years and hasn't taken advantage of it. Something was different this time.

Again maybe this time she wanted to. She wanted to and because the trust was there and she had that space she went ahead and did it.

Temptation is always there, even for the strongest couples.

Just this time she succumbed. Saying I did it because I wanted to would hurt like heck. If that was her answer would you accept it? Seems easier to accept the whole scenario if there were these underlying psychological reasons behind it.

It would hurt but yeah. I would understand it. It may make me end it but ultimately that is the answer. She wanted to. If there is other shit behind it then there is that but she still wanted to.

Meeting with final lawyer tomorrow. It does sound exactly as you guys said, btw. OM was complimenting her on looks and work and whatnot and she ate it up for some reason. I think if the wording in the letter to HR hammers on his predatory ways, it may help not get her fired. Will report back after we speak with this other lawyer.

It does sound exactly as you guys said, btw. OM was complimenting her on looks and work and whatnot and she ate it up for some reason.

And that reason is the need for outside validation, and only she can figure it all out and explain why she needed that outside validation.

Met with second lawyer last night. Same thing as first one. From a strictly legal perspective, there is no reason to report as she may lose her job because of it and there is no legal recourse.

OK – Totally irrespective of telling HR or your wifes job-security.

How do YOU feel about them working together?

Do you think it will help or discourage you from reconciliation?

Tbh, i dont think it helps or hurts. Shes done with him. She is seeing him for what he is, someone who has done this multiple times and is good at seeing vulnerabilities and manipulating them. We talked about it last night and i told her if she tells me about any interactions she has with him and that they wont travel together again i could be okay.

We talked about it last night and i told her if she tells me about any interactions she has with him and that they wont travel together again i could be okay.

And you can trust that, you can trust her to tell you?

I do not think it is a good idea for her to have to travel anymore at all, let alone with this OM.