SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need to be able to trust her again at some point. The travel ban is completely unrealistic. She had to travel for work and i dont see a job that she would like that removes that piece. Me keeping her in a locked cage doesnt stop her from wanting to cheat or even stopping it at all. She needs to want to change her behavior and thought process. She needs to be more aware of situations and remover herself from ones that could end in a way she doesnt want. I cant help her or make her do this. She has to. If she doesnt then she'll cheat again. I just dont think its going to be with fuckhead.

In my opinion, having her work anywhere near or have any kind of interactions with the OM will doom any chance of reconciliation. One of them has to go or at least be transferred.

Not just because there's a danger of cheating again with the OM (which you're probably right has little chance of happening), but because it will regularly set back her healing, her "mental NC" that is essential etc.

Yeah, let me ask her about that piece. Our MC brought that up a bit last night (if she is suffering at work at all by seeing him or whatnot). She said seeing him wasn't bothering her but the stress from us and me being upset was. I'll ask her again and to let me know if that changes.

I have to be real here. It is not going to work long term.

There will be triggers, you will constantly be wondering and looking over your and her shoulder, she will be facing him everyday of her life in the same department. You have no idea what your playing with here and trusting her to be around a man she was fucking is ridiculous.

I can see the following;

1. She works there and stops telling you, you wondering and fights break out about trusting her.

2. He resumes the advances and she relapses into a PA. Because her healing is stunted or impaired by the daily facing of her AP.

3. You can't get the questions, mind movies, what if's, and all the other pain to go away because everyday she comes home she was with him.

4. He finds another woman to "give attention" to and she sees this and it affects her emotionally or she wants to act causing fights at work and at home. You think he is just going to stop? What damage has it been for him? Nothing!

This may sound good now, and sound "trusting at some point" but it's like asking the fox with feathers on his mouth to watch the chicken coupe.

She needs to find another job.

She said seeing him wasn't bothering her but the stress from us and me being upset was.

She is the only one that can fix that stress, by quitting her job and finding another job. It is all on her to do the right thing.

Have you even tried to contact HR. The worst that can happen is your wife gets let go, and she should quit anyway.

And if she is let go, the OM certainly will be let go since there are other complaints against him.

IMO, considering the past complaints against the OM, your wife will not be fired.

I hear what you guys are saying. He tried to talk to her yesterday about how he cares about her and all the compliments and whatnot. She shot him down. I told her if he does it again she goes to hr with it as sexual harassment. Hes such a fucking pos.

Im not going to hr behind her back. I agree with her that if she is going to leave the company it is way better to just quit than be fired. If it gets tough, she will quit or decide if she wants to tell hr. Its not a good situation but i find it hard to believe that he wont try again and after a couple of unwanted stuff that constitutes secual harassment.

I told her if he does it again she goes to hr with it as sexual harassment. Hes such a fucking pos.

Please don't give him the opportunity to do it again!

Tell them now!

You know I got your back. And I have been exactly where you are emotionally we all have.

He will keep trying, over, and over, and over again because what does he have to lose? And everything to gain.

It is a distraction from the real healing that you and your wife need to do. You are not out of infidelity yet, she has just chosen you right now.

She gets to feel better that you feel better that she is picking you. Rinse and repeat until you rug sweep.

Not keyboard quarterbacking just want you to be informed. That is why we are all here, for you! Because ask yourself you get a ego boost and better feeling when she tells you this each day and you WANT to know. And she knows this and sees it. How do you know it is true that she is picking you and not just using this to make you feel better? What is actually going on between them at work? Not just her story. Distraction\Deflection\Bandaid

[This message edited by sneaker at 6:11 AM, October 27th (Thursday)]

You are giving her all the power and control, and if she is telling she isn't bothered by seeing him, that means she thinks she can control him too. This is a recipe for a train wreck, with you as the ultimate victim.

You need to stop worrying about a job she "likes" and she needs to get out of this toxic situation. She needs to stop playing the helpless victim and start owning her responsibility in this.

I see this as her keeping her options open with 2 men dancing attendance. Surely, you can't see this as a good situation.

You are giving her all the power and control, and if she is telling she isn't bothered by seeing him, that means she thinks she can control him too. This is a recipe for a train wreck, with you as the ultimate victim.

BINGO!

She needs to stop playing the helpless victim and start owning her responsibility in this.

^^^^^THIS^^^^

If she truly saw this guy as disgusting and a vile creature she would throw up at talking to him and avoid him at all costs even a career. What happens when she says look we can be friends it works see, my plan worked to go back to being "Just Friends"

[This message edited by sneaker at 6:19 AM, October 27th (Thursday)]

I hear you all. To me, its either she is keeping him close or she doesnt want anything to do with him anymore and his "charms" are simply that, "charms". Tbh, im just really torn if i even want to R at all and dont want to fuck up her job if i ultimately tell her fuck herself. Im not sure when I'll feel good about R or D but i took today, fri, and sat off and am traveling to visit a friend. Hopefully being on my own in an unfamiliar place will help me see which way i want to go. Part of the wanting to stay is hpw others will view me having a D. I know its dumb, but i still need to wrap my head around it.

like others, I am concerned about this recent attempt from pos.

Here's why, since you told your wife that the next time he tries rekindling their relationship that she will have to go to HR, she won't tell you that he's done it again. She'll think, why cause all this trouble? after all, he's really a nice guy.

think of it, she already had an affair with him. She's already decided that he's worth fucking.

so with you giving the ultimatum that the next time he tries acting friendly, she's supposed to report him. she won't want to hurt him. She'll think she can control this. The problem there is that she is on a very slippery slope.

in my opinion you need to report him NOW. You've already told him no contact at all unless it's business. And what, within a week he's already sucking up to her? How did that work? He didn't take you seriously did he? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect your wife. He thinks he can coax her back into the sack. Personally? I think he can too. That's why you need to act now! After all, how many chances are you going to give this guy with your wife. He's already fucked her!

I believe she may have good intentions, but you are making a mistake if you don't report it. She needs to get it on record right now. Let HR call him in for a meeting. It establishes a record. If you and she don't do anything, this guy will realize he's a got a free pass to go after her. And you my friend will lose your family. Get tough. Get tough now.

good luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 8:26 AM, October 27th (Thursday)]

yep. he came over checking to see if and when the affair could re-start.

shes giving you a sanitized version so you stay quiet and dont rock the boat on her.

this creates a secret bond between them, they are keeping secrets from you. thats what led to the affair in the first place.

its always very dangerous for a ws to have any contact with ap but regular contact is a killer. it is so dangerous in so many ways.

him getting your wife in bed took effort from both of them. him getting your wife back in bed only requires the path of least resistance. give in, lie, its done. this is one of those things thats just true.

the arrangent as it is now screams "danger, danger".

Yeah i just landed and have been thinking on the flight that she should just report him for unwanted attention. She told him via text that she doesnt want anything not work related and now this. She doesnt even have to disclose the A. Just tell them he was told to stop and didn't. Ill make this an ultimatum with her and see what she does. If she refuses im done. Thanks for talking me through this.

He tried to talk to her yesterday about how he cares about her and all the compliments and whatnot. She shot him down. I told her if he does it again she goes to hr with it as sexual harassment.

How do you know what he said?

How do you know your wife shot him down?

Was this via text, email or in person?

You are still being far to reactive instead of proactive. You continue to say one more time, well this is that time.

Tbh, im just really torn if i even want to R at all

The previous poster is right you are acting reactively. I think these feelings will continue to fester and build until you feel in control and take a more active role or decisive action.

I'm a BH who did not reconcile, so take my opinion fwiw. This is the second time your wife cheated (first time being the make-out), and this time she fucked a dude 20 years older than her for a few compliments thrown her way. She has zero personal integrity. You are understandably buffeted with all kinds of emotions, it's an emotional maelstrom that we BH's have all been through. However, I believe by thinking about HR and stuff, you are missing the main point, which I think you alluded to briefly: Why are you still with this woman? At 30, you still have time to heal and find someone who will be true to you. At first, it will seem terribly difficult and hopeless, but slowly things improve, you will start trusting women, and realize there are a LOT of beautiful smart well-balanced women out there who will NOT cheat under any circumstances. Don't be afraid of being alone for a while. Get out of this toxic environment, heal, travel, work out, cultivate a hobby or two, date other women. Men of your age are desired by all women 18 and over. It's time for a brand new phase in your life. Grab life by it's horns. Good luck.

Thanks guys. I think she is going to start job searching. There are flirty/sexy text messages between them and if he didn't delete them, she can't report him to HR without the threat of him just taking her down with him. It's a fucking shitty situation and unfortunately her terrible decision making is affecting me as well.

I think her removing him from the picture will help, but how did those of you that R got to trust your WS again? I just don't know if I will be able to. I know it's early on, but I think her morals are not there and she will be fighting against her shitty morals if she wants to not cheat in the future.

She doesn't get that part when I explained it to her. I told her our morals are very different so I don't know how that will play out in the future. She responded with that she didn't understand because her morals were in-line with mine but she still cheated. I explained that, that was exactly what morals are. They keep you from doing things that you don't approve of. I think she knows what she did was terrible and wrong but hasn't come to terms that she allowed herself to do it regardless of what she thinks she believes is right and wrong. Any insight into how I can help her realize this? I think it's important for her to understand this as it maybe will help her not repeat it.

Redbaron, thanks! This is what I have been struggling with all weekend. I really love my wife. It's super hard to know what to do. I just don't want to do anything I will regret later.

[This message edited by desertmirage at 1:08 PM, November 1st (Tuesday)]

how did those of you that R got to trust your WS again?

Short answer, you don't. The trust you had before this blind trust is gone forever. But in reality it was foolish to have such blind trust in the first place.

Long answer, is over time the trust builds when you see the changes in the wayward becoming a better person.

she didn't understand because her morals were in-line with mine but she still cheated.

It's called personal integrity, she lied to herself to justify betraying her own morals and destroying you in the process.

The process to R is not impossible. It is a huge mountain to climb and both parties have to be 100% committed for it to have any chance at success due to the betrayal and damage done. For some it is not an option or it was a deal breaker.

Getting the AP out of the picture 100% no contact and her a different position or job will help.

:beer

[This message edited by sneaker at 1:16 PM, November 1st (Tuesday)]