SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Married for over 32 years to my soul mate and best friend. Blindsided when I discovered a text from OW reminiscing of A together 25 yrs ago. The A lasted for over 2 yrs. This pain is soul crushing. Everything familiar to me has been altered. My very identity is gone.

As the story unfolds, the A's poison slithers into so many of my cherrished memories because they are overshadowed with her presence now right up to DD. My marriage as I've only know it is over, my history stolen from me. The worst of it is the "Mark" I know and loved with my entire being and trusted with my whole heart - is gone. He's here, but I don't know who this man is. It feels like a death.

Even though he called things off back then, when he "pulled his head out of his ass" and could see what he had become and has hated himself for it all these years, HE STILL KEPT IN CONTACT WITH HER! Hence the recent text I found.

His explanation is that back then he was young and stupid. And was terrified that if he didn't act friendly with her she would run and tell me everything. He said he only answered her texts just enough to play along and always shut down her attempts to talk about the A. (Which I can see he did in the one I read). He said it got easier and more infrequent as the years went buy and OW movedout of state years ago and started her own family. But now OW is moving back to state with her family (only 1.40hr) away. She sent this lastest text and tries to get him to accept "Find Friends" twice. He ignored invites. He Swears he hates her and and the dark things about himself she reminds him of.

Reading things here, maks me question my judgement. Am I being handed a bunch of BS. and he wanted that tie to her all these years or did he really convince himself he was protecting his family from his terrible mistakes?

What am I to believe when he has been able to hide the affair right under my nose for two years and for 25 years afterwards?

His explanation is that back then he was young and stupid. And was terrified that if he didn't act friendly with her she would run and tell me everything. He said he only answered her texts just enough to play along and always shut down her attempts to talk about the A.

From what you wrote, I can see that as plausible and the truth.

He had the affair and that is the elephant in the room, but this woman seems like she continued to bother or even stalk him and at any moment she would tell you. So he acted nice but distant.

The real problem is why he had the affair in the first place and how he could lie all this time about it.

Married for over 32 years to my soul mate and best friend. Blindsided when I discovered a text from OW reminiscing of A together 25 yrs ago. The A lasted for over 2 yrs. This pain is soul crushing. Everything familiar to me has been altered. My very identity is gone.

I am sorry to see you here.

I found out about my wife's A from nearly 20-years ago and it feels like it just happened. Be sure to keep after the truth and that your husband understands your pain is brand new, despite this happening years ago.

At least my fWW is NC with her AP for nine years now.

Make sure he lets you see all the communication between them that he has and has had.

Oh, I get it.

The physical part ended but the emotional A lasted all these years, quite a pall over your life. A continued betrayal, you must feel gutted.

I would ask for a polygraph. Is OW married, was she all those years ago? If so, does the OBS know of the affair. Was there a child? So many possibilities.

Sorry you are here. Keep close to support. Get independent therapy, see your Doctor and may you find peace.

Many wayward husbands, use the excuse that the other woman is blackmailing them, and they had no choice, they had to stay in contact. It's an excuse.... and a lousy excuse. He could have, at any time, manned up and told you the truth. He had a choice , and he chose to continue this affair. Because while the physical part of the affair MAY have ended 25 years ago, he continued the emotional affair for the last 25 years. Any contact after an affair, between affair partners, is a continuation of the affair. He is trying to minimize it by saying it was so long ago, and he had no choice but to stay in contact with her. I would run Dr. Fone on his phone, and retrieve his deleted text, emails, and texts . I think there's a lot more to this than what you realize. Also, since the emotional affair has continued, it would be good idea to tell her husband. He deserves to know his wife is a cheater.

Dear Broken,

(((hugs)))

And I am so sorry you are here.

I understand your feelings of being robbed. Robbed of memories, moments, holidays, vacations, etc.

It stopped my heart for a very long time.

You have to give yourself time, although I know that is the last thing you want to do.

I know the feeling of wanting to fix this, to address this, to move beyond this...

Take a breath.

It has taken me almost five years to realize that the sum of the affair is not the value of the marriage.

Meaning you have had 32 years. Not all good (no one's are) yet you are here.

Seek IC to help you navigate your feelings (your feelings matter - please don't minimize them) and then try to take one day at a time.

Post often and know that you are not alone.

You can get through this...NOT over it but through this.

Head up to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner. Such great information there.

(((hugs and be strong))))

He needs to shut her down! Send her a NC letter and I'd tell the husband.

You know about the affair so any further contact is between them is by choice, not force. That will tell you if what he said was true.

Original poster here. Thank you everyone for your insight and kind words. Just being able to talk to someone who understands completely is very helpful in giving me back a little sanity. I hope you all find that here, too. I wish I could sit down with you all over coffee for hours. We need each other.

WH did send a NC letter soon after DD. I have been checking emails, work email, trash, sent, deleted, texts, messages - but face it, things are easy to delete. So even though things look clean, I will continue to check. I wish I could retrieve his deleted texts. I would love it if the Dr Fone app was legit, but I did some research on it and it has very poor reviews, sketchy. Besides, he has a work phone that she used to text him on and it has recently been replaced by the employer with a new model. So no history there. If they are still in contact it won't be through his personal cell that I found "the text" on now that they know that was a mistake! Anyway, WH has given me all access and passwords and is doing everything right - being as transparent as possible. I appreciate that.

As far as "why did the A happen"? That is a problem. Because a disadvantage of being so long ago and his suppressing it for over 2 decades - he claims there to be some memory loss. I know, convenient right?! But, I think there might be some truth to it because why lie about anything at this point, right? He gets angry and genuinely upset with himself because he wants to give me the answers I need, but is struggling to remember. WH is in IC with our MC. I've learned he was suicidal back then (my God!) from the guilt after he ended it and it may have blacked out details. Councilor said I may not get all the answers I want because of this.

There were a lot of things back then that may had contributed to his infidelity; the stupidity of young age that took our love for granted, so was unable to see the true value of what we had. Undiagnosed ADHD so he was always running on high and acted without thinking a lot. A big contributor may be he was just getting his life back to a somewhat normal after a terrible dirt bike accident that left him with low self esteem when it permanently reduced his voice to a little over a whisper and left him feeling like a physical weakling and loser (even though he had a beautiful loving, supportive girl at home already in his bed!). A possible porn addiction (TBD). The daily influences of close coworker friends (yes plural) in affairs like it was common place, making him think it was "cool". Then throw in the promiscuous unmarried-at-the-time low life slut with slutty cheating friends that stroked his damaged young, stupid, selfish, needy ego and penis. I

Did I just make it sound like we're "both" just victims of circumstance? I must be crazy.

Be gentle.

Oh my dear, I read both your posts. Even though you are here because of something destructive I think you sound like a generally joyful and wonderful person. Because of the nature of this heartbreak you seem very suspicious, and rightly so, but suspicion and paranoia are destructive things and can hold you back from mending your marriage. My suggestion is for you and your husband to get involved in counseling so you can constructively work on these things in a safe environment with a unbiased (and licensed and reliable) counselor who can guide you. All of us will have opinions on what you should do, how this came about, why things happened the way they did but those are our opinions based on our own personal experiences. Work together with your soul mate to fix and move past this. I am praying to hear that ya'll are moving forward in a constructive way. I wish you many future blessings!

Be gentle

I'm sorry that you are here, but we're a gentle group (usually). There is the healing library, above, which offers a lot of good resources. I'll offer you some advice that I've learned over the past month: Go back and re-read these resources over the next couple of weeks. The text seems to mean different things to me as I get further our from D-Day.

As far as your WH, yes, your view of him is forever different. You could also focus on the possibility that he recognized that he was wrong and fixed his life and has been a good husband since. You can decide that you no longer want to be married to him. It's up to you and only you can figure out the path to take. I would definitely recommend that you give yourself plenty of time to make the right decision, whatever that might be.

I don't want to make excuses for him or applaud him, but it's no small accomplishment to genuinely pull yourself out of an affair and become truly re-committed to your spouse. Many people who cheat are serial cheaters. I think that most people deserve a second chance, an opportunity to learn from their mistakes and to become a better person. If this is him, you should realize that the person that you married is the guy who had an affair AND the guy who pulled himself out of an affair. He is not one or the other, but BOTH.

You should make damn sure that the affair ended and there were no others. Cheating is a form of lying and cheaters are really skilled at telling outright lies, little white lies, and lies by omission.

If you want to turn this lemon into lemonade and he is telling you the truth about his fear of blackmailing... well, that obstacle has now been removed. He needs to cut her out of his life, right now, stat, forever.

Do not be at all hesitant to seek out individual counseling, marital counseling, or both.

Talk about it here.

He said he only answered her texts just enough to play along and always shut down her attempts to talk about the A.

I don't know why I did it, but I set my WH up. You all say on here to trust your instincts and mine wasn't buying it.

So, I lied. I told him I got copies of his cell phone records that go all the way back to when we first purchased it just over a year ago. Then stared at the floor and kept real quiet. Well, my suspicion was right. Busted. He just started talking about how he was sorry again. Didn't know why he didn't shut her down all this time (I'm realizing he thinks I could see the content of the texts in the pretend logs, but I just stayed silent). I took another chance, I called him out for telling me he never called her, just answered her contact. Told him I have proof of him calling out to her number. It worked. He blindly admitted it.

Then things took an unexpected turn, but not about the A. I never saw this coming. WH husband of 32 years (35 together) breaks down and reveals the extent of a porn addiction that he has been hiding our entire marriage. He has hated this part of himself and confesses he has been a walking hypocrite living a life of a man people respect. He was a mess. Never seen him like this before. I could tell this was a real confession from a deep and dark part of him I didn't know.

Here is a strange part of it all that I don't know what to make of it. He has told me before how much self disgust and hate he has for himself for his A. He also said he hated talking to the OW in those phone calls because he each time he did it would renew those terrible feeling and self hate he has tried to bury for years. He told me before he still talked to her to continue to portray the on going friendship so not to piss her off and she say something to me out of spite. But I demanded, "Then why did you initiate the calls at times ?" (My lie remember, I have no phone log).

Here is his explanation. He said that in his struggle with porn he would start to get those feelings again of wanting more and getting tempted. So he would call her, but not for what you all would think. He said he'd call her for a gut check. That by talking to her his selfdisgust was so strong it would put him in check again. So he's saying he would use her to snap out of it, because he never wanted to be the person again.

It sound too outrageous to be true, but could someone really make this stuff up??

[This message edited by BrokenSorrow at 9:33 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)]

Here is a strange part of it all that I don't know what to make of it. He has told me before how much self disgust and hate he has for himself for his A. He also said he hated talking to the OW in those phone calls because he each time he did it would renew those terrible feeling and self hate he has tried to bury for years. He told me before he still talked to her to continue to portray the on going friendship so not to piss her off and she say something to me out of spite. But I demanded, "Then why did you initiate the calls at times ?" (My lie remember, I have no phone log).

Here is his explanation. He said that in his struggle with porn he would start to get those feelings again of wanting more and getting tempted. So he would call her, but not for what you all would think. He said he'd call her for a gut check. That by talking to her his selfdisgust was so strong it would put him in check again. So he's saying he would use her to snap out of it, because he never wanted to be the person again.

It sound too outrageous to be true, but could someone really make this stuff up??

Jeez, this guy has an excuse for everything, doesn't he? You'd actually be surprised at the nonsense stories cheaters dream up to make themselves appear as innocent as possible. Honestly? I don't believe his 'suicidal' story either. He can make any claim he wants from 25 years ago - it's not like you can prove it or disprove it.

He's lied to you for 25 years running, and would have taken this to the grave with him had you not seen that text. So how "guilty" could he really be feeling?

I think you're getting a bunch of nonsense designed to make himself look like a victim.

I'd seriously consider a polygraph test. I'll bet there's still a whole lot you don't know.

Wayward brain is something else isn't it. I see a lot of excuses in this story also. Not a lot of owning it as a selfish ass choice. The I was to weak or failed routine is common playing the victim card. Just look at what was going on, they lived in fantasy affair land, he enjoyed the ego kibbles, the sex talk, all without real life issues or concerns. It wasn't an escape he choose this drug addiction over rational thought at times. Trying to find rational actions in the fucked up wayward way of thinking is crazy making. I swear I wish I had a recorder so I could play back some of the stuff that came out of my wife's mouth the justifications and reasonings were shocking. She flat out said that she thought by sleeping with a married man she was helping him with his marriage issues making him feel better was a friend thing to do...

But something I have learned is when you hear excuses in dealing with wayward brain means you are just scratching the surface it's a protection method they use! There is more! Set up the polygraph if it is all out he should be driving himself down with sirens blazing if not be prepared for him to squirm and try every trick/excuse to cancel the appt. Don't do it force the poly, you will get trickle truth up to the day of and most likely a parking lot confession.

Sucks and hurts, but once the lies are out and gone then real healing an begin with or without them.

I have been married 32 years. I demanded a poly after months of TT. I needed to know I was at ground zero. He passed and we are attempting to R and all is going well. He knows I reserve the right to ask for another poly at anytime. He also knows I WILL walk if anything else happens. Our adult son also said he forgave him once but from here on out anything I decide he will back up 100%. I know that hit him hard because they are very close.

Reconciliation is not at all easy. He has to be completely remorseful and willing to face his crap that he has been dealing with in all the wrong ways (porn, affairs, reaching out to other women).

Reconciliation has required much counseling, reading, discussions and building a completely different marriage than we had for 29 years. It's the hardest, hardest, HARDEST thing we have ever been through including the combination of the following: second trimester loss of a baby, sudden and traumatic deaths of two of our parents, cancer for him and serious illness for me, and the long goodbye and death of Alzheimer's for one of our parents.

Independent counseling should be mandatory for both of you at this time. I think you should prepare yourself for more information to Trickle out.

BrokenSorrow, I hate that you are going through this. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the ongoing contact between the two of them means that the A did not end 25 years ago. Both your WH and the OW kept he EA going all of these years. You can't uncross a line once it's been crossed. Any contact between them keeps their affair alive.

I'll put it to you another way. Let's say you dated a guy before you got married. When you broke up with the guy, you ended the relationship and ended contact with him. You didn't keep talking to the guy on a regular basis and you certainly didn't entertain constant talk about your relationship with him. When it was over, it was over. Your WH and the OW did keep talking about their relationship and they did keep in contact with each other on a constant basis. That is not an affair that was ever over. Just because he stopped having sex with her does not mean that the A ended. So long as they maintained their emotional connection and contact with each other, they were continuing the affair.

Now, your WH can claim that the OW had him over a barrel or that he kept their A going to get his dose of self-disgust (whatever ), but he is completely full of it. Had he wanted to end it, he would have ended it. He didn't end it because he didn't want to. He can come up with every excuse in the world to paint himself as the poor little victim of an overzealous OW, but he kept the A going just as much as she did. He initiated contact just as much as she did. Had he truly wanted to end it, he would have. No excuses. No wiffle waffle. No painting himself as a victim.

The only victim here is you, not him. He was in this affair by his own free will each and every step of the way. And that includes the 25 years of EA that he did his part to keep alive. And I seriously have my doubts that the PA ended unless she had moved to another planet and never did their paths ever have a chance to cross. Way too much emotional fluff going on between them for it to not have been physical every chance they got.

So I wouldn't call this an old affair at all. It was a current, ongoing affair right up to the point where you saw their latest text. And don't think for a moment that they just stopped their A just because they got caught. I have seen it so many times over where the WS takes it underground, especially when it's a LTA like this one. I wouldn't be shocked at all if they were still in touch through a secret burner phone or were using landlines at work or even his work computer. Where there is a will, there is a way. And your WH AND the OW have shown that they have had the will for over 25 years to keep their little love affair alive and going.

Don't buy into his self-victimizing lines of crap. Your WH is covering his ass and trying to do damage control. He's trying to blame the OW for his part in having an affair. It never ended between them and the text and ongoing contact is proof of that. He can try to minimize it into a "friendship" all he wants to. You can't uncross a line once it's been crossed. And the last time I checked, friends don't have sex with each other or gush about their feelings for each other for over 25 years.

If the OW is married, you really need to inform the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse). He has a right to know what the OW is doing behind his back and he has the right to make fully informed decisions about his life. You might even be able to get a copy of the messages from him. Plus, having a set of eyes watching for broken NC on that end might help actually end their A too if they have taken their A underground.

But do NOT tell your WH that you are contacting the OBS. If he is still in contact with the OW (and I'm pretty certain that he is), then he will warn her and she will be able to talk her way out of it. Contact the OBS first without letting anyone else know that you are going to do it. And ask for any copies of messages between them that he finds so that you can start making fully informed decisions about your life. Then AFTER you do that, tell your WH that you have contacted OBS and he is sending you a copy of everything that the OW has kept over the years. All of their little love mementos. Then tell him that he has one last opportunity to tell you the full truth before you see what all she has saved from their oh so epic love affair that she still carries a flame for. Then you might get more truth out of him.

so sorry you are in the club nobody asks to join... you got solid advice

1. polygraph

2. contact the other betrayed spouse (OBS)

again, you are in a great place to begin to heal

peace as you process

it is very much grieving the death of your old life... good news is that your story is not over so you get to choose

the rest of your story

You were right. I didn't back down last night and resisted his lame explanations about his keeping in contact with her all these years. It was an exhausting go around, but he finally confessed. He said he still doesnt have any feelings for her except contempt, but he liked keeping the experiences of the A alive through the continued contact. He said he knows it's 'effing twisted, because although he dispises himself for all the dark parts of his life he's been hiding, it was "his". His own corner of his life that didn't have to do with anyone else or the responsibilities of life and he could go to it whenever he chose. Same with the porn. His self disgust is so deep, but he kept going back. Go there. hate himself. Go there. Hate. Go. Hate.

Definitely a serious problem unfolding.

At least he hates her and was using her pretty much from the start. I do get a little satisfaction from that. I just wish she knew today the cheap piece of trash he really took her for.

I wish the counseling appt wasn't another week away.

Furious, I know everything you said is probably true. Thank you for your insight. I just want you to be wrong so bad!

I'm Seriously considering the Poly test. Found a place 2 hours away that does it. WH claims he's open to it. Actually begs to do it when I doubt his answers or lack of them. Ibet he doesn't believe I'll do it.

Can anyone share their experience of your WS taking a ploy? Did it help get you what you needed from it???

[This message edited by BrokenSorrow at 5:33 AM, October 19th (Wednesday)]

Today is one year. I'm still breathing.

Here is what I think today.

WS had many influences and circumstances that led up to his affair, but in the end he consciously chose to cross the line all by himself and stayed there for 3 years. He lost sight of us and betrayed my heart for his own immature and selfish reasons.

Stuff I've read says the marriage I knew is dead now. But they're wrong! It's not the marriage that's dead, it's the wonderful man I was in love with before Dday that's dead - killed by the one that is left standing in front of me. This liar and cheater. And I have to decide whether to forgive and love this one if I want to stay with him. This man who hurt me more than any one in this world ever could. That's a lot to ask.

But I strongly believe there's been a bigger power at work here from the start. When my WS broke off the affair he was full of remorse, shame and quilt with suicidal despair. That's what led him to seek out Jesus and we started attending a church as a family. I never knew that's why he wanted to start going to church back then. I thought it was because of his near death experiencing. Of course he couldn't tell that then. Well, that church family became a beautiful part of our lives. My kids and I have made life long friends because of it. My kids have a religious foundation that will sustain them when life hits them hard. They grew up with a father they could respect and they strive to be like him (the one they know, not the one who cheated - they don't know that one exists).

OK, so the affair had a purpose in the end that was to the Glory of God and saved my husbands soul. So, why did I have to discover it after all these years? Why couldn't I just go to my grave obliviously happy? Well, because of my husband's other dirty secret. His porn addiction was still in the picture and had a grip on him he couldn't fight on his own. God stepped in. It took my discovering the affair to expose the porn problem. He is now getting help and is free from the power it had over him. He has the power now to control it with help. One day he will be free from his self disgust.

So, all this despair is for the saving of WS's soul all at at my expense. Is that fair? Was it worth it? I love my husband. I used believe I would take his place in hell if I had to. I guess I did because this is hell. and God knew what he was doing. He knew when I would be strong enough for this disaster. So, I am choosing to love the guy standing in front of me with all his failures and flaws. It kind of makes me feel good that God believed in me to see the beyond bigger picture of it all.

It's a daily struggle because hurts so much and I don't feel strong most of the time. I have my own baggage this has all triggered and it's easy for me to get lost under it.

I wonder what the next year will be like.

.

[This message edited by BrokenSorrow at 11:03 PM, January 6th (Friday)]