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I should have posted this a week ago like my gut was telling me to instead of now when things have blown up. I need advice from both sides on this. Last week my BS and I were having sex and he ended it abruptly bc all through it he kept hearing my AP voice in his head talking to him. Telling him things like "She liked it better when I did that to her" or "I made her make those noises too". Just awful things to have in your head. I was glad he told me and felt awful that it happened. I didn't really push to talk more about it with him bc it seemed to me like he just wanted to have it out of his head and go away so I left it alone.

The next couple of days I could tell something was wrong and bothering him. He kept saying he was fine. Then he brought it up again but I didn't talk about it. Honestly I didn't know what to say. That's why I wanted to post on her sooner bc I wanted help on how to handle the situation. Well thanksgiving came and went and I still thought something was wrong but he wasn't saying anything and all this time too he wasn't being affectionate with me. I figured it was bc of the incident but I didn't want to push him. In our therapy sessions we talk about how I misread situations and tend to sabotage things so I did what our counselor said and would ask how he was if everything was ok. He'd always respond fine. So I figured it was just me overthinking. NOPE!

Today he was getting ready to leave for work and I asked him if WE were ok? He said not really. I then found out that he was upset bc I basically rugswept the whole situation instead of talking about it. He left for work and here is a text stream we did.

me: I know you don't want to hear from me but I didn't push the subject the first time bc you seemed like you were just wanting to get it out of your head. And the second time I didn't know what to say. And I should have just said that. But I feel you also could have told me that you were not happy with my response and needed more from me. Instead you just let it stew instead of telling me HEY I really wanted to talk about what happened the other day and I feel you're avoiding it.

him: You have made it very clear that I can not change you, so I don't press that is why I always say I'm fine bc I am. No we are not ok, but if you want to change that then do it I'm done trying to make you understand or make you do something different. I don't need you to provide my happiness.

me: You don't have to make me do anything different I can do that on my own but if you're not going to actually talk to me how am I suppose to know.

him: Well if you're fine I'm fine, if you want to talk, talk. I already told you something was wrong and followed up on it and it got nowhere. I decided that I would withhold affection and trying to have sex with you cause that would have triggered something but it didn't. So no more.

Please give me the best you got. I am shaking writing this just makes me anxious. I thought we were on the right page together bc of our last session but then I got thrown a curveball and I am striking out. Please help.

I don't know if this will help or not. I understand not knowing what to say. Whenever I have something that triggers me, I want my WH to ask me about it. If he doesn't know what to say - say that you're sorry. Say that you know you'll never be able to comprehend what you've done, but that you will never do it again and you will prove it to him in time. Maybe now you can write him an apology text, email, letter, etc stating you know you handled the situation wrong, you are going to work on it in the future and apologize for everything, but detail what you are sorry for.

I hope this makes sense and helps you.

Thank you for posting this. Thissucks, hanks for your guidance. This very same thing came up late last night (just talking) because the silence triggered her.

Are you ok? - is not as effective as - What can I do?...and then trying everything in your arsenal. When the A makes me feel inadequate and I tell my husband, it helps when he does everything he can to dispell that feeling I have. What did you do to counterbalance those thoughts in his head? Did you apologize? Thank him for not giving up on the marriage? Did you massage his feet or offer to pleasure him in a way that didn't involve sounds or triggering mind movies?

What actions did you take when this happened last week - besides assuming he wanted it out of his head and feeling awful? Share what he could see you doing to help him heal through this.

[This message edited by sassylee at 2:18 PM, November 27th (Sunday)]

I can only speak about MY experience. For ME...I NEED to know everything I can. I have gone so far as to have my FWH perform the same sex acts on me that he did with the adultery co-conspirator. Not just fucking...but where were her arms...was he straddling her...did he look into her eyes...things like that.

I tell my FWH what I see in my mind movies of what THEY did. He now knows to tell me what REALLY happened. Sometimes the mind movies are worse...other times the real situation is. BUT...what is important to ME...is that it is what happened. I can digest what happened...and put it to rest. There are certain sex positions that I KNOW he never did with the ACC. There are others that I KNOW he did...and just how he did it. My mantra from the beginning is that I WILL OWN THIS A. There will be NOTHING that THEY did that will not be taken back by ME. NOTHING. I can only do this by knowing what happened.

Do you believe your BS would have appreciated knowing if what the AP's voice in his head was telling him the TRUTH...or that it was all completely wrong? Maybe he might have liked to have heard that your AP NEVER made you make the noises that your BS does? Or...if the AP did make you make those noises...at least your BS would know you did this...and he could move on? By you not saying anything...he still doesn't know...and this may hinder his healing maybe?

Thank you everyone. I did apologize afterwards, said I was sorry and that I appreciated him telling me instead of just keeping it to himself like he does sometimes. But you guys are right I absolutely did not take the opportunity I was given to tell him that the AP didn't make me feel that way and didn't make those noises. I should have done those things. But what am I suppose to do now. I feel like its too late. He just walked in from work and I am shaking, this is stupid I need to just talk to him. We have his moms 50TH birthday party to go to tonight and I don't want to go with us like this. I hate when we are like this. I know it's my fault, all of this is. I have owned the A. I take full responsibility for it. I just feel that even the days after he could have told me HEY you aren't giving me what I need. Am I wrong for thinking that way?

Keep trying to reach him MrsH. If face to face goes badly maybe try writing him a note...let him know what you are really thinking and feeling when the two of you are together.

Don't let a rough patch lull you into catastrophic thinking. Apologize for putting him into a position where he has to be molested by such ugly thoughts but help him see your reality...how thankful you are for his efforts to give the gift of R....and give him the gift of telling him just what he does in intimate scenarios that really "get" you....things that are unique to him.

Try not to let the fear of the conflict win. The time my WH and I waste trying to avoid conflict by mind reading or fortune telling ( trying to predict one another's thoughts/ responses) is always time that the problem uses to grow larger and uglier. When you drag a problem out into the light you prevent it from growing...even if you can't solve it on the first go-round.

Pulling for you and your BS!

Don’t know if this will help, but please, do not ignore these thoughts your BH has.

It varies from one man to another. 32 years ago, married 3 years, I was very experienced sexually and had had glowing recommendations from lovers through my late teens and 20’s. Basically sex was very important to me and a big part of me feeling like a man. My wife was less experienced but we had a great sex life until my job went south 3 years into the M and I started to lose confidence. She travelled a lot for work and had a ONS with a successful, young and gorgeous COW (he lived in Vancouver, we were in Montreal). I sensed something pretty quickly, she did not want me as much or as often as before and drilled her with questions until I manipulated her into believing that she had to come clean and would be instantly forgiven. She told me everything and my world collapsed. Anger, rage, screaming, insults, etc…then MC and both in IC. She changed and blossomed quickly, showered me with love, remorse, help when I was hurting, total transparency, etc…but we never had sex again. Every time we would start I would imagine them and lose it. Our MC and my IC tried everything, I could not get past it. 2 ½ years after DDay I filed for divorce. Today we are great friends, she remarried had 2 kids, divorced again and now has a great BF, a really nice guy and I’m happy for her. She tells me often that I was always the best and the only one she has ever been in love with. I know now that it was all in my head. But I could not get past it. Do not take this lightly. Best of luck to you both.

[This message edited by machiavel55 at 3:05 PM, November 27th (Sunday)]

He did tell you what was wrong. You admit you didn't know what to say so you didn't address it. To me this incident seems like you are blaming him for not continuing to make you aware that he was struggling with those thoughts when the real issue was that you didn't know how to help him past it so you didn't. You knew he was upset. He told you why and you didn't help him through it. Why do you then blame him for not opening himself up to you again?

him: You have made it very clear that I can not change you, so I don't press that is why I always say I'm fine bc I am. No we are not ok, but if you want to change that then do it I'm done trying to make you understand or make you do something different. I don't need you to provide my happiness

Your BS told you in this text that he did give you a chance to help him through and you didn't. So ask yourself why are you trying to make this situation his fault for not pressing the issue with you?

Next time raise the issue and let him tell you if he needs to talk it through or not. Don't assume he is trying to ignore it.

As for what to do now:

Read what Sassy wrote again. Don't ask are you ok when he obviously isn't. Ask what can I do?

Right now tell him you are sorry. Thank him for giving you the gift of R. Show him with your actions that you will continue to try to make your marriage work and help him through the pain that you caused.

[This message edited by HardyRose at 4:11 PM, November 27th (Sunday)]

What is his love language? His mind movies are hurting him badly right now and it's in your best interest to soothe him, reassure him...speak so he feels your devotion.

What to do now? I would sit him down and look at him square in the eye and tell him how you now see how you've dropped the ball, that you did rug sweep it...that you erroneously thought it would help to not dwell on it.

What I had to make clear to my H was that I am ALWAYS thinking about it. Always. It has become the soundtrack to my mind - like Muzak. His talking about it with him helps me - it's never like your husband has forgotten the affair and you bringing it up will cause him to say "oh shit! I forgot about that!"

I think you need to humble yourself and admit you're not handling this right and ask him to not give up on you. Tell him what you wish you had done and said. Tell him how sex with AP feels like NOW when you recall it. That it feels dirty and shameful and ugly and that sex with your H makes you feel honoured and beautiful and cherished and like a real woman...and I do hope you feel this way because I would never advise you to lie.

Also - it feels counterintuitive to spoon feed the WS everything we need. We want it to come from the wayward.

[This message edited by sassylee at 4:39 PM, November 27th (Sunday)]

His love language is touch. We talked and we have a ways to go. I am going to show him I love him and want him. Right now he is scared to be intimate with me. I am going to do better at giving him what he needs as well as letting him know what I need from him to be happy (he's requested a list of things I want and need from him)

Everyone on here thank you. I will continue to reread your post. Its always so helpful and when I'm doubting myself.

MrsH, I really like most of what Sassylee said, except that for some men, and I do not know if this applies to your BH, if my WS told me that sex with me makes her feel honoured and beautiful and cherished and like a real woman...I might pretend I like what she is saying to be nice, but what I (and some men) really want is to be the one she thinks about when horny, gets turned on like crazy for. I want to be the one she loses herself with sexually, loses control with, the one that brings her where she has never been before, I want to regain the number one position and slowly erase the memories of sex with the AP by becoming again the top dog. It may sound stupid and (excuse my English) primal, but for some men, that's what we want and more important than want, what we need.

[This message edited by machiavel55 at 5:35 PM, November 27th (Sunday)]

I am probably an extreme case, but even when sex went well, sometime during foreplay, the actual act, or right when we finished I thought of her with him every single time. I'm not telling you this so you don't have sex, but know that it is there.

I am going to try to be gentle here, but the texts back and forth made it seem the problem is he didn't talk to you honestly about what he was thinking. Speaking as a BH, in his head he is probably thinking we wouldn't be here if you didn't sleep with another man. That to him that is the real problem, not that he didn't communicate. Your remorse for that needs to be the very first thing to be addressed when this happens, then create a safe place for him to communicate

I made the mistake of rugsweeping this whole thing, we stopped communicating about it and I bottled it up for 5 years. Finally my dam burst and we are now separated. I am hoping for better for both of you

What Machiavel says is absolutely on the money for me. As a BH, you feel like the safe, sweet option. Your WW has gone out and experienced irresistible lust for some other guy, but now she's decided that while it's great fun, it's no recipe for a long-term relationship with kids to bring up, bills to pay, and so on, so she picks you.

This is frequently presented to BSs as being validating, because steady, tender love in a long-term relationship is precious. And yeah, OK, it is. We get that.

But fuck that! I don't want to be Mr Nice, I want to be the one that floats her boat, makes her fantasize at work, and gets her so excited she can't help herself.

Basically, I want to be the OM.

So when you, the BH, are having sex with your FWW, you're inevitably comparing the way she is with you to the way she was - or the way you imagine she was - with him. And the nature of this kind of thing means you're always going to come up short in your own mind, so your sexual confidence takes a huge hit.

Your BH needs to know how much you desire him, not as a husband and father, but as a man.

"I know you said you were ok, but it really looks to me like you aren't. Can we please talk about it? I want to do whatever I can to help." The problem that I see is that you assumed you knew what he needed. You don't. You assumed he wanted to leave it alone and he assumed that you didn't want to talk about it because it would be hard for you. See what assumptions do?

Read your first text. It's defensive. You're right. He could have told you that he was unhappy with your response and needed more, but he didn't. This isn't about being right though, it's about empathizing with a partner that you hurt.

It takes practice. You can do it.

Hellz I appreciate your response as well as everyone else's. It really helped to put it into perspective. I am nit going to pretend I know what he's going through and how he feels. I am working on myself to better empathize and be there for him through this.

donewiththatlife you are right I did go back and reread my texts. I was defensive. I most definitely shouldn't have been.