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Your feelings are completely normal for your situation. It sometimes feels like an out of body experience like "is this really my life?" and "how the fuck did this happen?"

You are doing the right thing by proceeding with divorce. Sounds like she is ambivalent at best about your marriage.

Hang in there and keep posting! I wish I had posted more on SI during my darkest first few weeks.

[This message edited by Writersblock122 at 8:01 PM, November 30th (Wednesday)]

So did your WW explain in her own words to your mother WHY she "doesn't deserve RickyBobby's love, respect or trust" ?

Regardless, there's not an ounce of remorse in email, right? Anything in there about how she wished she hadn't cheated? Wished it never happened at all? Wished the divorce wasn't happening? Wishing she could do anything to save the marriage?

I don't remember the exact wording of the email but it was quite final. She did not explain 'why', though she knows my parents and friends know the 'why'. It was only an apology for hurting people and a statement that she doesn't deserve me.

She knows I am a man of my word. I do what I say I'm going to. I am consistent in associating with people who are honest and honourable people. I think she knows there is no chance of saving the marriage. I do not think she will come back and try to save it, knowing it is futile.

Haven't been back here in quite a while. Been trying to find a job back in my home country, training every day, and progressing the divorce (I have done all of the work on this). Have had no significant contact with my wife in this time, other than a few discussions about the house sale and asset split. Which brings me to this post. On Sunday evening my wife was supposed to sign the papers laying out our agreement on the asset split, etc., which would then be filed with the court. She shows up and refuses to sign them! Says she now realises she made a huge mistake, "I fucked up". I asked her to just do the only thing I've asked of her in this while process, and to please let me go. She's followed this up with a note last night about how sorry she is, how she wants to come back, has wanted to come back, but hasn't because "I don't deserve her". How she doesn't want me to view the last 14 years as a waste. That she loves me and we are amazing together. She's sorry she didn't come to me and talk about her problems etc. (I still have no idea what these problems were that resulted in her cheating and then deciding to leave me).

So a fairly big mindfuck after 5 months. I can't see how I could ever trust her again, and can't imagine living life waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time. I loved being with her, we had amazing times together, never really fought. But if she could just toss that without even trying to fight for the marriage, you'd have to think she could do it again?

It was easier thinking she didn't want to be with me. I was ok with that (relatively speaking). It's a lot harder now to be the one calling it quits - though I clearly understand she really did that via her actions.

Been a tough couple of days I must say.

Rb, stay strong. You do what you need to do. No one is saying you have time divorce. It is really only your decision.

If you take her back, I have a feeling it would only be a matter of time before whatever caused her to shit all over you the first time reared it's head again.

Not trying to go off on a gender rant but women tend to want what they can't or are not supposed to have. By not doing what you did 15 years ago (the pick me dance, etc) and just letting her go with minimal contact, I knew last year in your threads she'd probably wind up trying to come back.

But to me there's not much of a mind fuck. Just a bunch of questions. Why did she do what she did? What was her justification? Was her ex the only guy she was with? Is this the first time she's cheated on you? Was she sleeping around when you guys were seperated? What's to prevent her from doing this again? Is she the type who will go to IC and MC to work on the marriage? Is she willing to expose to her family what she did? Why did she change her mind? Was she dumped? Did she realize wasn't going to work out and wants her old reliable Plan B back or did she just miss you and regret what she did? Etc.

If you are willing to work things out with her, it's going to be a long and hard road. And all these questions are going to have to be answered. And for all her pretty words, it doesn't sound like she had a hard time fucking some other guy, throwing it in your face, and kicking you to the curb with the quickness.

I don't think it's a mind fuck at all. From the outside looking in, your wife's actions are crystal clear.

Does her tie to your employment visa have anything to do with her sudden regret? What happens to her if you divorce? Does she lose status to remain in the country?

Ayup. A woman splits and goes silent for months and then mysteriously wants to reunite? Her primary choice of orgasm donor found a better charity.

JS84 -

If you are willing to work things out with her, it's going to be a long and hard road. And all these questions are going to have to be answered. And for all her pretty words, it doesn't sound like she had a hard time fucking some other guy, throwing it in your face, and kicking you to the curb with the quickness.

That's it really, isn't it? My friend told me to just think of what she says as "mouth sounds" to take away all the baggage you want to associate with their words. I think she mostly misses me and feels bad, but that's no where near enough justification to put myself on the line again.

Timelessloss - She's applied for her own visa and would almost certainly get it, so that's prob not a driver. However, she's still on my credit cards and has not been successful in getting her own after three different tries/banks.

I suspect Cal Naughton Jr might have dumped Carley's ass. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Yes, life isn't quite as rosy as she was envisioning it without you around so she's making a last ditch hoovering attempt. Something tells me the lessons you learned 15 years ago are going to come in handy again real soon.

Hang in there RB, and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you are far enough away from her.

However, she's still on my credit cards and has not been successful in getting her own after three different tries/banks.

This is major.

What other man is going to front her cash to maintain the lifestyle she's accustomed to?

Long term it's a no brainer for her., eat a little humble pie, appeal to your good nature, she moves back in and her life is sweet again but I will tell you for certain she will have zero respect for you.

Don't get it wrong, she will be grateful for the roof over her head, the credit, the normality but she willingly and repeatedly spit on your face, humiliated you and all she has to do offer just a glimmer of the hope of reconciliation and she has you back again.

Words are words. Just that. She says this that or the other but her actions have spoken loudly and repeatedly. And this is all about her.

So if she really respects you, if she really loves you then she doesn't get to lay out the condition of R. She signs the papers, she works on herself and if she loves you so much she will show you everyday she is safe, maybe later down the line you can start again.

But don't be fooled. Suggest this and see what she does, then you'll know for sure this isn't about some great flowery love, it's all about her.

Tren0R201 - I should clear something up. She is on my credit cards but she pays for hers. She is unable to get a credit card her due to the risk averse banks here. She makes very good money herself.

But agree with your other points!

RB, I would only investigate this if she manages to explain why she did what she did in an honest and detailed matter. I would use this to get proper closure from her not necessarily to reconcile or anything.

I'm sorry RB,

It sounds very much like she found out that the grass wasn't greener on the other side of the fence after all.

Consequences.......

Oh dear.

And now she's hijacking the Divorce (and your healing) process because SHE'S changed her mind?

What mind-fuckery.

How do you feel about this?

Would you be prepared to give reconciliation a chance under certain circumstances?

Your posts sound as though you've pretty much moved on from her. Is this correct?

I would contact your legal advisor right away and get advice if she continues to refuse to sign.

If you have further questions, try asking in our Divorce and Separation Forum. There are some very knowledgeable SI people there.

Stay STRONG,

MOB

MOb - Yep, mind fuckery to the Nth degree. I feel angry, sad (confused) by this. I have not moved on in the sense I have no feelings for her, I still love her, but I'm rational enough to see that nothing has really changed. What's to stop her from just changing her mind again if we got back together? I can't imagine a life where that's always on my mind - I'm worth someone who treats me the same way I treat them, with respect and dignity.

Reconciliation? When this first started everyone said she'd come to her senses, you can work it out, etc. My response has been I would need to see the most extraordinary effort from her before I would even consider. So extraordinary that I don't know what it would be, but that I would know it when I saw it :-)

I'm not in N America so my only solution if she won't sign the docs is to wait one year and then I can unilaterally divorce her.

Fun times!

Could be she found out life wasn't better without you. Could be remorse has really set in. It's hard to tell with what little has been shared.

RB sounds like he's pretty well made up his mind 99%...makes life a lot easier when you've got a plan and no waffling.

Do what you want RB. I get that you don't want to always be waiting until the other shoe drops, but there are people who have successfully reconciled. It's a personal choice. I can't tell if your WW has remorse or just guilt from what you've said.

I agree with the others... either the grass wasn't greener, or she's finally found her remorse.

In my own situation, the last OW thought she was going to trade up from her own BH (nice guy but not much financial clout) and marry mine. She told my WH plainly that if he didn't follow through with divorcing me, she'd have no choice but to go back to her own marriage and try to work it out. Turns out though, her BH had his own thoughts on the matter, divorced her with alacrity and replaced her greedy ass within six months.

The litmus test here is going to be whether your WW will do whatever you require to prove her sincerity, even if that means letting you go. Lots of remorseful waywards are convinced that they need to "fight" for the marriage. But this is still wayward thinking because it prioritizes their own needs rather than the needs of the betrayed spouse.

Tell her to put her "remorse" where her mouth is and give you what you need to heal. Hold out the possibility of reconciliation and remarriage somewhere down the pike if/when you've both reached healing. If she doesn't agree to this, you'll have to do it the hard way, but at least you'll know it was still all about her.

My xWGF was a 'stuffer'. She stuffed feelings down and didn't talk about them. That should have been a _huge_ red flag to me. But (as I thought at the time), she had a good cover story for that. She'd been put down, not allowed to speak, mistreated, blah blah blah.

The thing is, stuffers (xWGF included) don't let go of those feelings and without talking about them they come up with untrue explanations about why you did what you did that they didn't like and stuffed. In those scenarios _you_ are always some sort of monster or selfish or whatever and _they_ are the poor wronged party. Then they build resentment toward you because you're such a 'monster' (in their minds) and they use that to justify to themselves the lying, hiding, cheating, or whatever it is they selfishly want to do.

progressing the divorce (I have done all of the work on this). Have had no significant contact with my wife in this time, other than a few discussions about the house sale and asset split.

Yeah. She cheats on you and then makes you do all of the work to heal yourself. She just goes off and hides for 5 months. What has _she_ done to help _you_ move on since then? Not a blessed thing, that's what. By the way, good job on the No Contact except for financials.

Which brings me to this post. On Sunday evening my wife was supposed to sign the papers laying out our agreement on the asset split, etc., which would then be filed with the court. She shows up and refuses to sign them!

I am not surprised. For such a selfish little snowflake as her she realizes that she screwed up a good thing. Of course she doesn't want to lose that. So, in her selfish way, she declares to herself that she wants you back. In her mind it is now a done deal. Five months for you, to her, is long enough to "forget about it" and "get over it" and !poof! all she has to do is stamp her pretty little foot and you're back together!

Says she now realises she made a huge mistake, "I fucked up".

Yes. A lot of people have "fucked up." There are consequences to "fucking up". That's why "fucked up" is a phrase. It gets used like this: "I fucked up. Now there are consequences and my life/job/business/health is fucked up."

I asked her to just do the only thing I've asked of her in this while process, and to please let me go.

So you make a reasonable request of her and...

She's followed this up with a note last night about how sorry she is, how she wants to come back, has wanted to come back, but hasn't because "I don't deserve her".

... it's all about her. Nothing about what you need to heal, all about what she wants. She _is_ a special, selfish snowflake, isn't she? No, you don't deserve her. Neither did you deserve the punch to the gut of her cheating. Nor do you deserve her refusing to sign the divorce papers. Nor do you deserve a stbXWW who is still, five months later, all about what _she_ wants.

How she doesn't want me to view the last 14 years as a waste. That she loves me and we are amazing together. She's sorry she didn't come to me and talk about her problems etc. (I still have no idea what these problems were that resulted in her cheating and then deciding to leave me).

She wants this, she wants that, she wants to fall on the dick of some other guy and move out, then she wants to not communicate for 5 months, then she wants to just rugsweep and get back together when shit gets real. Oh, and she's still 'stuffing' and not talking about what these horrible problems were. Hint: selfish and stuffing, that's what her problems are.

You asked just one reasonable thing - "Let me go, please." and she can't do that. She _should_ have signed first and then asked what you needed to heal and _then_ asked if you would consider getting back together and under what conditions.

Something like:

RickyBobby, I really screwed things up. That's on me. I've spent the last 5 months in weekly therapy to try to figure out why betraying you was acceptable to me. I am not fixed yet, but I'm working on it. What can I do to help you heal? Is there anything that I can do to show you that I might be worthy of taking a risk on?

So a fairly big mindfuck after 5 months.

Yes, it is and I am sorry that you're getting fed the shit sandwich again.

I can't see how I could ever trust her again, and can't imagine living life waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.

You can't, not without her totally re-doing who she is inside. That takes work. That takes time. That takes investment in herself. It takes deep introspection. It takes "owning your shit" and guilt and sympathy and empathy for who you've wronged.

Doesn't seem like she's showing any of those actions or qualities. She's just telling you what she wants and refusing to help you heal by moving on.

I loved being with her, we had amazing times together, never really fought. But if she could just toss that without even trying to fight for the marriage, you'd have to think she could do it again?

She _is_ doing it again. The same selfish behavior as before is just coming back.

Dude, no kids, early to mid forties, work out a lot? You have a lot of good stuff going on for the dating market when you're ready. Don't spend more of your good years with a cheating woman.

[This message edited by devotedman at 7:59 AM, March 7th, 2017 (Tuesday)]

Make it very clear to her that even to recover, this divorce first needs to go through....due to HER actions. She destroyed the past marriage and any hope of R must be a new union.

Once signed....RUN as far away as you can from her, forever!

The main difference between her and the next woman you meet? Her history of cheating on you is FACT.

The only thing she figured out is that she messed up...and it took her how long?

She is a very selfish person, and this is still only about her.

The best thing you can do right now is the NO CONTACT. It has helped me heal immensely!

Its a real gut punch, but it seems as though you are doing brilliantly! I know the sadness is overwhelming and it will get better.

Sorry your here, everytime I read a new story it makes me stronger knowing so many are going through the same exact pain.

Chin up, stay strong