SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TOC,

You have kept me going, although I am in limbo and have been since dday 7 months ago I look for your posts to give me that push I need to keep going. I haven't even posted my story because I feel so ashamed of my "not knowing what to do"..I wish I had your strength.. Keep the posts coming you're inspiring all over the world.

~CanILive

CanILive

I feel so ashamed of my "not knowing what to do".

You've been heard, CanILive, and you can live.

I disagree with your statement above, which I think you do too, since you put the quotes around it. You are probably struggling with not feeling what to do. But if you've read the stories here, including TOC's then you know what to do. At the center of it is take control. Never too late to start. Never too early, either. You just have to do it.

Sending strength!

CanILive - you have a PM from me.

House of Plane,

Thank you.

You have inspired so many here. I am one of the limbo leave no stay no leave... fuck this shut down people.

It is a really hard thing. I commend your strength in yourself!

Congratulations.

The goal of SI is for *you* to survive infidelity. It sounds like you are.

I am glad you and WH have managed to meet and it wasn't too difficult for you.

You have dealt with each hit since DDay with grace and dignity and you are a great role model for all BS.

Three months out it is normal to have some bad days. Accept them as part of the grieving process and then pick yourself up again.

TOC -

Yours was one of the first ones I read when I came here and DAMN was I riveted and impressed - and you continue to impress me with your strong-willed resolve. I'd like to say you are my favorite story here but that sounds mean considering the pure hell you went through and the loss you endured. I am no stranger to that loss though. I kicked my WH out as well but have to see him regularly since we have young kids together.

I wish you nothing but the most amazing things in life - I hope you find true love worthy enough for you. You so deserve every bit of it!!!!!! :)

TOC,

I come in and read but don't post much anymore. Your situation has now changed that. I feel your WH is truly remorseful. It must have been painful for him to provide the detailed accounting. Mine wouldn't read anything out of his profession with a gun to his head. Yours obviously read, went in search for what would help you and came across mind movies. It was a courageous move on his part. That last email was heart wrenching to read. His remorse is obvious. He must feel like total shit having been taken in by a serial gold digger whose own daughter is a product of a MM she went after 10 years ago, as confirmed by her mother.

If I were in your shoes? I'd give it a trial R for 6 mos. and if after that it didn't work out, total NC agreed upon up front. You went completely one way with WH1 and completely the other way with WH2. As Budda said, the middle way is best. How do you know you can trust him? How do you know you could trust another without the "benefit" of having screwed up royally with you, learned a powerful lesson along with a double hit from Karma?

In summation, I'm usually in the hang 'em high camp when it comes to WS but your WH is the first one on here since 2009 that I feel sorry for.

I wish you all the best life has to offer, TOC.

(((TOC)))

Thanks for the update. You sound great. You've been in this rodeo before so you know that this first Christmas is going to be hard so be kind to yourself.

I think for the uninitiated to the specific hell that is being betrayed, a lot of us are so blindsided in the immediate aftermath that making a decision early on is really difficult. Some people have kids, or a long shared history or whatever. But I get what you're saying. I think, fwiw, and there are plenty of exceptions, those in limbo for a long time want to R, but have an unremorseful WS that won't do the work or those that want to D, but are terrified to be on their own. And then there are those that just figure out after a while that there is too much damage to their M, and the A was in fact, a deal breaker. Those in either category need to take their time to come to their decision and it's a journey/process like all of this.

But in the end it's the relief from whatever decision that's made that is the powerful resolution that comes with clarity. You knew that the M was over because you had lived through it once before and knew you could survive another D. And no one here doesn't admire you for that, you've been a freaking rock star on SI. A legend in the making.

I'm glad that your EX is getting him self the help he needs. It's tragic that it didn't come in a timely way to save your M, but not unusual. A lot of people need to hit rock bottom before they get their shit together.

Happy holidays to you.

Wishing you a wonderful holiday season. Happy for you that you stuck to your guns and moved forward with your divorce, a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker, and remorse is synonymous to being sorry they got caught. Continue to respect yourself and your boundaries. Many BSes I am sure wished they had the fortitude to respect themselves and stand up for themselves, but many unfortunately do not and their perspectives are warped by hope for a life they dreamed of versus facing reality that their WS no matter how "remorseful" will always put themselves first. As the saying goes - fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times sounds like I enjoy S&M, fool me four times then I must be a masochist. Wishing you best for the New Year and keep kicking butt and taking names and much respect to you.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been cheated on and emotionally devastated by past relationships.

I was at the point of never wanting to date again - and had been for several years when I met my now DH. It was difficult, but I was emotionally honest with my DH about the raw pain that I'd experienced and that I could never go through that again.

We have been together for about 7 years. He's been great and has given me no cause for distress. As we are both retired we are together almost constantly. But I realize that someone who wants to cheat can ALWAYS find a way.

I know that if my DH ever cheated on me I would be like you. It would be OVER. It would not matter to me how sorry he was or how much remorse he had.

After all I've confided in him, his cheating would be the equivalent of physically beating me to a pulp - something I could NEVER recover from.

I realize that many people have decades invested in a relationship with children - and who desperately want to reconcile. I fault no one for that. But that's not my situation.

TOC, it resonates me so much what you are saying about being decisive! And such a great person you are. When I think of you, one part of me is full of compassion, but another (and a bigger) part of me is full of joy to see such a great personality!

HI all - I can't thank you enough for all your support, cheerleading and kind notes. Sometimes I read the things and think, "who the heck are they talking about?" I'm glad my posts can inspire some of you and I do hope my story helps, just like reading so many of yours still also help me. Believe me when I tell you I still have some very, very bad days. They aren't as frequent, not as extreme as some breakdowns I had very early on, but I still cry. And I still let myself and not beat myself up over it.

One thing I have to get over is the fear - or annoyance maybe - that I may hear from or run into OW one day. I certainly hope that chapter is closed but the thought of her just really disgusts me now and I still have that pit in my stomach when I think of her and WH together. My mind movies aren't as bad as some I read about here but I do picture it in my mind----shudder the thought. I try not to compare us but of course I do - of course just physically. She can't compete intellectually so I don't even give that a second thought. But I do kinda look over my shoulder, notice women with similar looks and physiques and in general am just aware all the time.

So I was able to get packed up for my trip and I am now headed back to Europe - exactly the scenario how it all went down 3 months ago. My how things have changed. Such a crazy world. So far, so good on the triggers, too. So far.

I also wanted to tell you that when I met STBXH to settle our division of assets he very sheepishly presented me with a gift he bought for me and had planned to give me on our ruined trip - when we had a lovely dinner planned in Paris. Not sure when he thought about buying me this gift but I have a feeling it coincided with the timing of sending his wayward text. Anyway, when we married I wanted only simple, but unique and engraved matching bands which is what we got. He always wanted me to have the big, flashy rock, something that has never, ever interested me - I know, I'm not your typical woman! So you know where this is going --- yep, he actually bought me that rock and like I said, planned to give it to me during a planned romantic dinner in Paris. He even admitted that it was his way of personally (and secretly) recommitting himself to me and our marriage. It actually felt dirty seeing that ring and knowing why he did it. Yuck! Puke!

When I told him all I ever wanted was love and loyalty, which was so much less expensive than his wasted gesture, he just hung his head in shame. I actually felt sad for him. I do know he loves me. I do know he is sorry. I know many people think I need to think about gifting him with R and I can see why sometimes - but I just can't. It just hurts too much - the betrayal, the lies, the deceit - all for no reason whatsoever other than pure ego. I can't compete with that. I want to heal and I want it to start yesterday.

So when I left, I asked him to please sell the ring or try to get his money back. If he really wanted to do something meaningful with it then he should donate to a women and children's shelter and it would be fine if he did that under my name. I doubt he will take the initiative but who knows.

By the way, we each picked our own message to engrave in each other's rings. He had "Only You" engraved in my ring. He lied.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 6:18 PM, December 9th (Friday)]

Hi TOC

I'm really rooting for you. One way or the other... I want to tell you that I too, had mind movies and dreaded running into the "OW." When it did happen I was with my "husband" BUT I actually saw her.....I mean "REALLY" saw her. Yes, she is younger, but she projects UGLY from the inside on closer inspection. A poor damaged, not so young person. I think you may realize this in the future about Mona Leasha. Still, this early in the process is no comfort for YOU.

You mentioned that you could not compete with the EGO of your FWH! Honest to GOD, there have been no truer words spoken for me here. The ego is an interesting concept that have lead many people to great heights as well as massive destruction. My FWH and I have been to HELL and half way back....I still wonder about the EGO...his and unfortunately now mine as well......I wish you nothing but happiness and LOVE in your life. Thank You for posting your story. I have been attentive to every word.

Thank you for your post. I've got two stages of limbo to work through, and I'm just in stage 1. My DH doesn't know he's been caught, and I haven't yet confronted him, and I'm almost 5 months post D-Day. I've been telling myself I'd do it after my last big work project of the year (needed to focus without distraction), and after I found out whether I got a promotion (more $$ would make the prospect of going it alone much less daunting). Well, I finished that last big project last week, and also found out I got the promotion. I have no more artificial impediments to laying it on the table. Thanks for that little boost of strength.

And now, officially divorced. Times 2. Struggling today.

Even though intellectually you know you did the right thing for you, divorce is still painful. I am so sorry that his horribly poor choices led you here. Here's hoping that 2017 will be everything you need it to be. Hugs.

Hugs, TOC. At least you didn't have to wait another year to get divorced. Slowly but surely you will start feeling better from now. Hug.

Hugs TOC. This is not what you planned however you are a strong successful woman. Your ability to power through the mess with grace has made you a SI goddess I'm my humble opinion.

I hope you are able to enjoy your assignment in Europe. Wonderful place to redirect your focus.

[This message edited by Shockedmom at 11:20 PM, December 13th (Tuesday)]