SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(((Turnothercheek)))

Feel the warmth of my hug.

Sending you love and strength today.

((((Turntheothercheek))))

I'm sorry you're struggling.. Infidelity is not fair. It seems that no matter if we R or D, we as the BS, struggle. Sending you hugs and strength today....

((((TOC))))

I'm sorry that you're hurting, just know that someone as fabulous as you has lots of good times in their future.

In the meantime do something good for yourself.

Yes, these past two trips to Europe for work have truly sucked!

Thinking of you and sending you peace. It takes a long time. I am so sorry that you traveled this road again.

You know......one day at a time. Not easy.

Take care!

Wow, ToC I have read your post and am impressed at how you handled things during an awful time. I think you are kind of a hero around here.

I think about WH and if he had just kept it in his pants how much different the bike crash and brain injury recovery would have been with you by his side...

TOC, I'm so sorry you're struggling. I'm now facing my third divorce and I just cannot believe this is my life. After my last divorce I swore I'd never get married again. Then I re-connected with WH. He was my 9th Grade Sweetheart. My first date, first kiss, first everything. We went different directions after high school, but kept bumping into each other and the feelings were always still there.

When we found each other again, I thought I'd hit the jackpot. He was so self aware, and so dedicated to living an authentic life. I thought he adored me and would never hurt me. After all, he'd always been my champion. No matter what was going on in my life, I knew that if I needed him, I could pick up the phone, call him, and he would be there for me.

Things were good for 6 years (or so I thought). Then my world collapsed and I've not been able to wade through the cognitive dissonance. I keep trying to wrap my head around the fact that the man I've known for 40 years, isn't who I thougth he was. Who EVERYONE thought he was.

I can't believe I'm going to be a three time divorcee. It's just almost too much.

I have no advice. Just hoped to make you feel less alone.

(((((TOC)))))

TOC,

I don't post a whole lot either anymore but I wanted to say how brave you were in all of this in the midst of your world collapsing.

Your a very strong woman, taking care of yourself is the first step in all of this. Getting away from infidelity was/is the key for all of us...

I know it hurts to be divorced again, but you know nothing is forever and a new hope for a new future will soon arise.

It will come in a different way but that is okay too. Look at each step as your new adventure in life whatever happens. The key now is to be open and enjoy the things in life worth enjoying forget the rest.....

I feel sorry for your WH, I think he gets it where a lot don't.

As far as the OW, she can't hold a candle to you in any way..My guess is she is more afraid of seeing you......She knows your stronger and made of better things than she is......

She is just some awful woman all good women warn each other about. and that is all she will ever be......Her own mother sees who she really is and that speaks volumes, she doesn't sound worth any thought at all.

She played him and you knew when it comes to sex being giving by someone like her men lose their minds. She out smarted him. and he must feel like a fool.

My husband's OW thought she had her ticket to a better life too.

Even telling other people to sit back and watch her get it. Sad isn't it. That stealing someone else's life is the only option for them.

It's all so sad and it's such a waste of lives and all for someones selfishness.......

It would be great hearing your new path to success from time to time.

Happy New Year, Everyone!!!

I only wanted to check in very briefly and tell you all how I appreciate you so. I don't think I would have survived the year without SI so you are my one, massive blessing in 2016. Aside from that, 2016 pretty much sucked so good riddance. 2017 can't come fast enough.

A few updates to note - XH and I communicate some. I think I mentioned he is in therapy which makes me glad for him. His therapist has asked if I would be willing to attend a session or two or three with him as a means to help him address his infidelity issue with me and some other issues. Evidently my never allowing him to really process the affair with me head on is really causing him issues. I told him I would think about it and let him know. Also, PTSD was mentioned and I'm not sure if that's more about his health issues or being slapped with a divorce faster than he could react but I guess talking it out might help him. I'm not completely against having those few sessions with him but am wondering what real value it could serve at this point but that may just be selfish me talking. I would value thoughts and opinions on this from fellow SI'ers.

On a professional note, I have gotten clearance to transfer my job overseas. I can choose one of 3 countries in Europe and I am very excited about this. I told my kids and they are excited for me so now I will decide which country (though I pretty much have chosen) and start the work visa process next week. It will take a few months but the future looks exciting. My only real issue is my Mother, being too far away makes me sad but I will be back at least 3-4 times a year and I have siblings close by also who are here for her. Everyone has been very encouraging and so I see a new, big adventure ahead.

I do wish you all a very happy New Year and pray for peace in our hearts for all of us.

Much love to all you rockstars...TOC

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 5:26 AM, December 31st (Saturday)]

First of all, congratulations on the new job opportunity! You are getting the best "do over" ever; starting a new life far away from so many triggers! As for attending therapy sessions with your Ex because you did not "give him the opportunity to process the affair with you head on" -- he knew cheating was a deal breaker. He should have processed those thoughts way before he got involved with the dog walker. But if you think attending a session or two will help YOU, then go for it. You can always walk out if you need to. Here's hoping 2017 will be a wonderful year. Please keep posting and let us know what's going on in your new beginning. Some of us (me) live vicariously though you!

In summation, I'm usually in the hang 'em high camp when it comes to WS but your WH is the first one on here since 2009 that I feel sorry for.

Unless she forced him at gunpoint or he literally "tripped" and fell into her vagina, then I have ZERO sympathy for cheaters!

To imply that the BS should give the WS a "2nd" chance, because he/she "gets" it, or because the BS gave a "pass" to a prior partner, is ludicrous to me.

To stay or go is a individual decision and I respect Turn for her integrity and her strength.

I don't wish the cheater WS ill, I hope he learned a valuable life lesson, DON'T LIE AND CHEAT ON PEOPLE YOU "SAY" YOU LOVE! It's that simple.

I want to thank Turn for her positive encouragement and applaud her class and grace.

Wishing you a wonderful new life in Europe and hope you find a man who deserves you. (and who knows how lucky he is!)

the only issues that need addressing have nothing to do with you TOC. i suspect if you do this with his IC, there will be some blaming going on. like he felt neglected or something like that. which has nothing to do with the choice to have an affair.

but, good luck. i know you'll do the right thing. you are also compassionate and that is always a good trait to have.

His therapist has asked if I would be willing to attend a session or two or three with him as a means to help him address his infidelity issue with me and some other issues. Evidently my never allowing him to really process the affair with me head on is really causing him issues.

My thought...his monkey, his circus. Too much of a chance of being double-teamed by your XH and somebody on his payroll.

Enjoy your new life!

His therapist has asked if I would be willing to attend a session or two or three with him as a means to help him address his infidelity issue with me and some other issues. Evidently my never allowing him to really process the affair with me head on is really causing him issues.

That's entirely your call. Whether you do or do not give input to his therapy, it is still up to him to put in the efforts to work through his issues. If he is determined enough to change, then he will be able to do so on his own efforts. Personally, I think that it is better that he work this out without your help. In my opinion, he got more help out of you by being direct and firm with your lack of tolerance for wayward behavior. If being doused with a bucket of ice water won't wake you up, I am not sure what will.

"Dear Therapist, your request to be present in his sessions will interfere with my own healing."

A skilled therapist will guide him through his grieving and loss without your presence. I am being charitable here; while he brought this on himself, it has been compounded by the accident and stroke.

An analogy: grieving the loss of a loved one who passes away often fills the survivor with regret of things unsaid, forgiveness not given or received, and remorse for hurts.

The therapist can't bring the loved one back from the dead to assist with healing. Closure and healing can come from things such as writing a letter to the deceased loved one to say the things that went unsaid.

TurnOtherCheek, thanks for the update! Now, on to business:

XH and I communicate some.

Why? What real good do you get out of this communication? Is it really helpful and healing for you, or is it only habit?

His therapist has asked if I would be willing to attend a session or two or three with him as a means to help him address his infidelity issue with me and some other issues.

Has the therapist told you this directly? Perhaps he told his therapist that he wants to get back together with you (can't blame him for that) and asked therapist if he/she would be willing to facilitate that.

In other words, _you_ can't know what therapist said unless therapist says it to you. Then you have to examine therapist's motives for saying to you what they said. Just like you have to examine xWH's motives for saying what _he_ says.

Evidently my never allowing him to really process the affair with me head on is really causing him issues.

Wow, classic blameshifting here. Yep, it _is_ your fault that he cannot process his affair. Uh-huh. BTW, I _am_ being (slightly, oh so very slightly) sarcastic. I know, not becoming of me.

He can process his A head-on. Heck, he'd better or he's just going to do it again next time he's in a relationship. And head-on doesn't mean with you standing at the sidelines.

I guess talking it out might help him

And your answer is still going to end up being "No, no R possible." But R would "help him", too. And your income would help him retire earlier, and your company would help him not be bored, and your car would help him when his is in the shop, and your cooking ability would help him not have to find food every night, and, and, and.

Why, he's a poor muffin, he is! You should run to help him... oh, he fired you from that job? Perhaps he forgot...

No, I wouldn't go. What benefit would you derive from going? Being told how mean and nasty you are for hitting him with a D? How "hard" it is for him to accept the consequences of his actions, of his _choice_ to A? Well, now _he's_ on the receiving end of "choice" and, oh, how hard it is for him... That poor muffin. Perhaps he should have thought about how he was treating you first?

TOC, you are sending mixed signals to him, I think, or at least he's perceiving it that way.

Here is how I see that: He has A. You rightfully D. But now you're sort of hanging around and communicating and thinking about helping him deal with his _consequences_. And of course he wants you back, he never wanted to _trade_ you for Moana Leasha. He just wanted both.

Now, even after the D you're still in his life and willing to think about "helping him" to deal.

Bullshit.

Friend TOC, this is my best advice: NC. Full-on NC for at _least_ six months and then see how you feel about it.

You're sort of in this state of "No R possible!" but sending the signals of "Well, I _might_ be convinced..." followed by "No R possible!" and "Glad he's out of my life" only he isn't.

TOC, what do _you_ want? And, what is _best_ for _TOC_?

Thank you so much for checking in! What wonderful news, about your job transfer. I am green with envy!

FWIW, your XWH fired you from the job of being his soft place to fall and his support. With eyes wide open, he fired you. Don't offer to come back as an unpaid consultant to the job that you were fired from. It truly is not your circus any more. Don't volunteer to feed the monkey that has already attacked you. IMO, it's not fair to you and, if you even care, it impedes HIS moving on. Strict NC is best for both of you. It walks you even farther from infidelity, and it gives XWH no support in any cray-cray thoughts he may have, about being friends, maybe it wasn't so bad, blame shifting, re-writing history, etc.

Can't wait to hear what country you pick!

Hey TOC, I would send my "sorry, but no" postcard to that therapist from Paris.

"Hey TOC, I would send my "sorry, but no" postcard to that therapist from Paris."

I agree with this but I would leave out the "sorry". Have a great new year.

See? I knew I could count on all of you here to give me sage advice. There are a few things I should explain. I don't want anyone to think I am being "friends" with XH. We only have gotten together once socially and it was more for his son and DIL who were in town for Christmas. They asked if I would have breakfast while they were here. I wanted to see them (son and DIL) very much and so agreed. It was very cordial and it was all about them and not us (me and XH.)

Devotedman, you bring up a lot of good points, but you probably know me well enough by now that I would not let them drag me into any "poor him, look how remorseful and sorry he is." I did speak with his therapist. He felt there were many things XH wanted to share with me, most importantly a face to face apology to help him get closure on our marriage. Not being able to adequately convey his sorrow to me has been painful for him. Clearly he hates being the bad guy.

I'm not agreeing to anything yet but I certainly don't wish XH any ill will or feel he is a monster. I may be willing to listen and in doing so, perhaps bring closure for both of us. It would also be a good place to firmly close the door on the relationship so XH would know R is not an option, if that is his hope. I would emphasize a firm end to that chapter and then tell him I was leaving the country. Not gonna lie, I am worried how he will take this because, through his son, I know he still loves me.

And in full disclosure, truth be told, a part of me still does love him. That didn't die with his A. Yes, there was a "deal" but my brain made that deal. Not my heart. I can't force my heart to follow along, even as hard as I try. It is slowly getting there but there is still love. Not enough to rekindle, not enough to keep me here, but enough to want the best for him and hope he gets healthy and becomes the man I think he can be. Thankfully my mind will prevail. It hasn't failed me so far and I doubt it will start now.