SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ok idk where to start, my life has been completely flipped upside down the last 6 months...

been married 5 years, although the last year ish has been sort of stale and i had an affair starting 6 months ago this year...my AP, omg she is absolutely amazing, i can't get over it...it's crazy, she feels like she's everything i want and need...

my wife found out and we started going down the divorce route and i started getting cold feet, wasn't sure what i wanted to do with my life...at first i wanted a divorce to go run off with AP but then i realized i probably owe it to my wife to work on our marriage, at least give it a last shot...

i broke contact with AP and started talking / counseling with my wife but idk, it just, i can't get over AP...i want to see her, talk to her, and live a life with her...i know it's all new relationship energy and the newness chemicals going on (at least according to the books about affairs/marriage i'm reading) but idgaf, i can't control myself...my wife is a great person and i love her but im just tired of marriage, i want to be reckless, i want to be with my AP...i have these visions and dreams of where we'll go even though ppl tell me they're not realistic, idc...i'm probably delusional, idk.

i've been doing individual counseling on my own but it just doesn't seem to help...i'm ready to throw in the towel with my marriage and run off with my AP despite the stats...i know this is probably a crazy post but idk what to do...idk who to pick and it's not getting easier...just getting worse

sorry for the block of text, someone please help me...idk if i'll ever get over my AP and if i don't pick her, i'm worried i'll always regret it...for some reason i don't get those feelings with my wife and it makes me feel careless / crazy / heartless bc she is a nice loving person, i know i'm probably just a delusional asshole...help :(

[This message edited by ildk at 1:06 PM, December 14th (Wednesday)]

What do you want from us? You've read the info that affairs are fantasies, that you are on a chemical high, and that the relationship probably won't last. I'm not sure what more we can tell you. The only advice I can give is to keep reading those things over and over and stay nc. Those feelings will fade and you will wonder wtf was wrong with you.

I have to agree with DWTL. What help do you want? You said you've read the books (not sure which books) and you know it's all new energy. Why did you get married? You can't toy with your wife like this. You've already crushed her and now you're waffling back and forth. What the hell is wrong with you? Shit or get off the pot, but make a damn decision. Sorry to be so rough, but you obviously have absolutely no idea what you're doing to your BW.

Me: WH 50

Her: BW 43

3 DDs (hers, mine, ours)

DDay: April 3, 2016.

DV too.

praying for R and a second chance.

So...if you've read the books and heard the advice, but you don't really care, what are you seeking here?

When you take amazing sparkle panties out of the equation, is this how you saw your life? This is what you've always wanted for yourself? Being irresponsible and reckless? Acting like a 15 year old? Is this what emotional maturity looks like to you?

What's the end goal? When the new chemicals die, then what?

[This message edited by Aubrie at 1:43 PM, December 14th, 2016 (Wednesday)]

damn thanks everyone for the real words, i appreciate the responses

idk im just worried i married the wrong person even though im sure i could "make it work", it just feels like it's the less happy route, maybe im afraid of commitment? maybe i cant get over the resentment / staleness? idk wtf is wrong with me :(

the books im reading are about helping me and my wife get over MY affair, about the unfair comparisons, how affairs are like drug addictions etc...but it's like, it's not helping...

idk what the f is wrong with me, it's like i know all these things you guys are telling me, but my body is like i dont care...i know it's immature but i can't help but feel like sticking with my wife is going to make me feel empty, like we get along and are efficient / practical partners, but idk we just lost the strong love, and i feel so stubborn but im trying

counseling is maybe helping but idk, i still feel lost about 6 weeks of individual counseling...like i wish i felt differently but i don't...and im worried that ill "work" on things with my wife and kinda fake it and then in another year have the same thing happen again, which i DONT want to do, i already feel so terrible im in this position and the things ive done to her, ughh

idk how i see my life, but being married just sounds so mundane and awful long term, i also cant have kids so im sure that affects how i feel a lot but idk, maybe im not cut out for marriage, maybe i shouldnt be with someone long term...i just seem to lose 100% interest after 5 years and can't manage to do something about it...idk i feel doomed but im trying to change the way i feel, wish i didn't

sorry for the frustrating post, just trying to get it out some more and appreciate the sounding board...i have more counseling today but idk i just feel like things are going nowhere and not sure what to do

i really appreciate the words all, i know im stupid i just wish i wasnt :(

Do you have children?

IMO, if that's how you feel, your wife deserves better than what you can provide, and you should file. Don't string her along thinking she's getting better than she's got. You'll hurt her less in the long run, and give her the chance to be with someone who actually cares, not just feels like he "owes her" because of a certificate. Whether you stay with your "amazing" AP or not, at least your wife will be in a better place. Good luck.

I wield this 2x4 as a WW who took far too long to realize that the "love" I felt for my "amazing" AP was based on the lies we had told each other, and was bullshit from day one. I hope it doesn't take as long for you, but your wife deserves a hell of a lot better, as my BH did.

[This message edited by HopeFromTheBottom at 2:42 PM, December 14th, 2016 (Wednesday)]

If marriage is mundane and you aren't cut out for it, why did you get married in the first place?

What changed between then and now?

Fog. There's a description of the Fog in the healing library.

Go read it.

The relevant choice is not between BS or AP. The relevant choice is between mental health and not mental health. Choosing AP = not mental health.

I was in this same boat. I thought my AP was a fantastic person. I came very close to leaving BS for AP. I decided to stay with BS for 6 months and figure my shit out. I felt I owed him at least that. (I am so grateful to BS for not just kicking me out while I insisted on sitting on the fence.)

What decided it for me? Well, d-day was in June and the day before Thanksgiving I was in town picking up vittles for the following day and my six month deadline was fast approaching to make a decision about sending that NC letter. There had been no contact between AP and me, but I had still refused to write and send and NC letter. Still on the fence. In fact at that time I wanted to go back to cake eating, could not understand why BS was not willing to share me with AP. I knew it was unconventional but...I was just a special case, you know, in love with two people, all that.

So there I was at my beautiful thinking spot and there was an old man there enjoying the same beautiful spot. Staring out over the ocean we started talking. Both of us had at one time lived close to this spot. His daughter still did. He was visiting her for Thanksgiving. He and his ex-wife had an arrangement as so many divorced couples do, spending every other holiday with their kids.

Somehow he started talking about the reason for his divorce. "She wanted to be married and have a boyfriend too, and I was just not okay with that", he said. "Hmmm," I thought, that sounds like me. They had been divorced now for years. I asked him if he remarried. He said no, but he was well over the divorce and dating and happy with his life. "How did you get past it?", I asked. He said God got him through it, and it took several years.

I asked, "What about your ex-wife, is she still with the boyfriend?". "Oh, no" he said, "She is three or four relationships down the road from that now. I don't think she is ever going to be happy."

To this day, I believe that man was a messenger. I wish I could say that I was thinking at all about BS's happiness right then, but I was not. I was only thinking about my own. At the very least, though, I got a clear view of my possible future if I chose AP: Three or four relationships down the road and still unhappy.

I went home and wrote a NC letter. It took me several tries to get one that BS was okay with but my willingness to do it was born in that moment when I realized that the choice was not BS or AP. It is mental health or not mental health. That day I got on the mental health path and I am so, so, so, so, SO glad I did.

That man will never know the impact he had on me. I thank the Universe for sending him to me.

As far as your AP is concerned, no matter how fantastic they seem, remember that your AP is someone who is okay with you being a liar. In fact your relationship with them requires lying each and every day. Your relationship requires you to get your needs met at your BS's very great expense. Your AP is fine with you doing that too. Does lying and getting your needs met at other people's expense, people you purport to cherish, does that sound mentally healthy to you?

It's not. Choose mental health. Do it for future you, if for no one else.

Good luck from a fellow EvolvingSoul.

Your poor wife. She must be in agony sensing your indecisiveness

You describe yourself as not the marrying kind. So why did you marry?

Was it because of the new relationship energy and newness chemicals?

Was your wife once 'absolutely amazing?'

All those buzzy crazy feelings are just the froth. Its whats underneath that counts. You pulled back from divorce and got cold feet because somewhere in there you already KNOW your affair is bound to fail.

How old are you?

When you say you just lose 100% interest after 5 years is that because you have an established pattern of doing this?

PeterPan maybe?

Maybe you are not cut out for marriage or life long commitment.

In which case its fortunate not to have kids. And you should set your poor wife free so she can find a more suitable mate.

it's crazy, she feels like she's everything i want and need...

This is called dopamine.

You are living in a fantasy. Its not real.

Based on what I see here, I would say that you won't be happy either path you go. I agree with Evolving Soul that choosing the AP is not mentally healthy, but you're not in a mentally healthy place right now. You're looking to see which one will make you happiest. Relying on others to make you happy is always bound to leave you disappointed. So you have to decide what kind of life is going to make you happy. Do you want to have a healthy, stable relationship, or do you want to have something exciting for a little while and then bounce to the next one when you get bored. Personally, I would say that you need to grow up, quick (but that could just be me projecting my issues). Either way, you need to decide quickly. Either so your BW can move on or so you can start working on yourself. If you want to keep your BW, you have to be all in, and even then it's going to be hard.

wow wow wow, thanks to everyone for the responses...i know my mind is all over the place but i appreciate the real talk from everyone, seriously

@familyfirst - nope, no kids...unfortunately i'm unable to have kids and won't ever be able to

@hopefromthebottom - ugh i'm sorry for what you went through but appreciate the advice...unfortunately i know this will most likely happen but idk, it's like an addiction that i can't help but convince myself otherwise...i think you're right about my wife though, it's completely unfair to put her through this in the first place...let alone again =/ i'm just so broken and so lost idk what to do but maybe it's better to let her go until i can figure out my own issues? thanks

@aubrie - i was young, kinda fell into marriage and got married quickly...lots has changed, ive grown up (despite acting like a child now as most ppl say)

@maia - wow.......this is 100% me, like everything. this has helped put things in perspective...it's starting to help a little bit realizing that i really am in a fog, trying to justify everything, but i'm not completely convinced yet, but i think this helps steer me in the right direction...although i'll be honest part of me also thinks there could also be "a fog" that ppl tell them the affair wasn't real so they can justify going back to their bad marriages...but who knows, maybe that's the fog talking again :P

@evolvingsoul - really really appreciate the long story, my heart goes out to you and that messenger of a man...i find myself in a pretty similar situation, i'm ready to leave but bc of how great of a person my wife is, i feel like i owe it to her and us and what we had to at least try to salvage it...but im struggling hard...i know the right answer but i just wish i could change my feelings...maybe you're my messenger =/...i honestly can see myself following the same path that man's spouse did...why do you think choosing AP is not mentally healthy?

@easterlily - ugh i know she can sense my indecisiveness, we've had conversations about it too and i know that's so selfish of me and hurtful to her, ughhhh...i think yeah my wife was once absolutely amazing, i think i'm addicted to the new relationship energy, i just love it too much...im 28 but my previous relationship (before my wife) was similar in that after 5-6 years i was bored and ready to move on and found my now wife...i almost feel like its destiny, you know? like i can't have kids maybe im just not wired for long term anything, idk =/

@tbfdaitwfw - i agree about not being happy either way, i struggle with this constantly and think about the fears i have with both paths...i also agree that i'm searching for true happiness and it's a very real thing that i'm relying on someone else for it, ouch hurts to think about, thanks :)...ive been on my own with NC with AP and little contact with my BS and trying to do some soul searching to see what makes me happy but it's been nice being on my own, being my own person...but feels like a huge decision ahead of me

all - thanks again for all of the responses to everyone...overall i feel like im completely 100% sucked in by this fog feeling...maybe i'm so delusional from the fog that i won't ever get out or maybe that's who i am really am and how i'm really feeling? idk, either way i appreciate all of the comments, helps put things in perspective...i'm sorry for my negative energy to all, i know i'm a bad person, trying to work through it =/ thanks again

ildk,

I hope this helps a bit as far as the fog is concerned. I am a little over 2 months from the end of my A. I finally had enough guilt (and a teeny bit of clarity) to end the A before I was caught. Like you, I thought my AP was my soulmate, she was the best, only she understood me blah blah blah. Once the fog lifted even more, I saw my affair for what it was. More importantly, I see my wife for who she is. My affair thinking painted her into this nice but emotionally stunted person. I would think she never listened to me, she didn't understand me, she was never affectionate to me in the way I wanted. In truth, I was projecting myself and my actions unjustly onto her. I had turned away from her not the other way around. Now that I have pulled my head out of my posterior a bit, I have never felt closer to my wife and we are communicating better than ever.

It's hard to see the AP without putting on your rose colored glasses. But consider this, she had no compunction about having an affair with a married man. What does that say about her values?

I don't have a magic solution for you. I thought seriously about leaving my wife for my AP several times but I didn't. I asked my IC about that and he said because at least at some level, I knew where I wanted to be. The indecision is horrible and I really struggled with it for a while even after the A was over. I can only tell you now how happy I am that I stayed. I know in my heart I made the right choice.

If your marriage is stale, remember it takes two to make a marriage. What did YOU do to spice things up? If you are ever going to make sense out of your situation, you have to try and look at things as objectively as you can.

i'm probably delusional

I will say this as kindly as I can but I do agree with your statement (except I would remove the word probably):

After all is said and done, maybe you don't really want to be with your wife but give your marriage a shot. I think both you and your wife deserve that.

ff4152 - yeah i was hoping that after 2 months of going NC with my AP, that i'd get some more clarity, but i'm feeling frustrated with the lack of progress...i still like i'm in the same spot and honestly am not sure if i'll ever be able to get over it...it just seems impossible

like i hear what you're saying about seeing your AP and wife in different lights, and it makes sense...but i just don't know if that will ever happen, i feel so clouded bc you know, what if my AP IS THE ONE!!! you know? like i know it's stupid to say but that's just how i feel bc she really is amazing, she is my soulmate, like my heart believes this 100% even though my brain is like idk man lol

i agree that marriage does take two...FWIW, i actually felt i did a lot to save / work on our marriage, honestly to a fault...i put my wife's needs far far above mine for too long and suppressed a lot of my needs and feelings in order to make her happy...unfortunately at my own expense and am trying to work through that now

and yeah, i agree, maybe deep down i am done with the marriage and don't want to admit it yet...but i agree i think we deserve to give our marriage a shot...it's just, i know this addiction to my AP and this need to be with her is not going to allow us to work on a marriage safely...im trying to get through this fog but idk, it seems like there's no end in sight and i'm worried i'll realize too little too late...but then again, maybe my AP is my soulmate =P at least that's what my heart keeps saying... ugh, thanks for the words though, appreciate it

Reading your post, I am getting the sense that your AP could have been anyone (which was the case for a lot of us). The problem doesn't lie within the BS - even though we would love to blame our spouses for our mistakes and affairs. You think your AP walks on water and perfect. But really she just had the same weak boundaries as you and got involved with a married man. If she didn't engage, you probably would have found another person who showed you attention and showered you with ego-kibbles and would think she was everything you want and need.

But really it has nothing to do with your BS or your AP. It has to do with you. You clearly think that a relationship should always be hot and fun and magical and fantasy land and that's just not realistic. It just sound like you don't like commitment and when the shiny newness of your relationship with AP begins to dwindle and gets stale, you are going to run for the hills again. Also - it takes two people to make a relationship hit a low point. All relationships have peaks and valleys and you really have the opportunity to buck up and be a man. And when I say that, I am not just saying stay in the marriage. I am saying get off the fence, make a decision with conviction. If you choose to stay married, work your ass off to prove to your wife that you deserve to be married to her. But if you don't want to stay married, be honorable and let your wife move on and find someone who won't treat her the way you have. If she really is a "loving, caring" person as you say, how about you act loving and caring towards her.

And I apologize if this is harsh. I just have been in your shoes, thinking the AP is the sun and the moon, and I was wrong. It never had to do with her. I didn't have an affair because of my wife. I had an affair because I was selfish and immature and a jerk. But you have the power to make things right and act with dignity and integrity.

@hopealmostlost - no worries, i appreciate the real talk even if it's harsh it's nice to hear the truth...i think you're right that it all has to do with me, i don't think my AP is perfect, like i know she has problems/issues/weaknesses too, like any person, but it all just, seems so exciting and perfect for this next chapter of my life

i really liked how you said it's all about me...and my indecisiveness...i need to make up my mind and do it with conviction, because this waiting game is killing everyone involved and it's not fair to anyone...including myself =/

i agree i like the fun exciting aspect of relationships and just don't see how a long term marriage is better than that at this point, i know that might be shallow to say but idk, that's how i feel...especially since i'm unable to have children...maybe my AP (or next relationship) will be different, or maybe it'll end in the same spot...either way that seems like a happier choice for me? who knows

Y'know, it almost seems like you treat other people as sources of feelings rather than as actual people. I did that for a long time. If I wasn't getting the right feelings being in someone's presence I would begin to distance myself emotionally and then eventually physically from that person. I always assumed the problem was the person/relationship. I even did this to myself. If I didn't like the way I felt in my own presence, I chose numbing behavior: food, alcohol, cannibas, affair and other risky behaviors.

I used to jokingly say that the goal of my post infidelity work has been to become a real girl. Over the last several years that work has born some fruit. I see people as people now, including me. Feelings are just feelings. They change and what is important is how I relate to them. A mindfulness practice might help you start developing some tools for dealing with difficult feelings.

ildk, Have you noticed how often you respond "idk" to a question someone (even you yourself) asks? I pose a lot of questions to myself when I'm studying, but until recently, I haven't put much effort into answering those questions. One technique that I've started using more regularly goes like this:

1. Ask yourself a question. (For example: How do I feel about commitment?)

2. Write the question at the top of the paper.

3. Set a timer for 10- 15 minutes (or whatever works for you).

4. Start writing and keep writing until the timer goes off.

5. Put the pen down.

6. Read what you wrote.

You might be surprised at what your mind puts on paper.