SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So in around 30 of your posts you blamed your actions on your BH's "abuse". Whether or not he was abusive isn't relevant right now. If he was then there were healthy ways to deal with that including leaving him. You didn't choose a healthy way to deal with it. You had 8 affairs. That is not his fault. That can not be explained away by allegations of abuse, regardless of whether you mentioned it 1 time, 30 times or 380 times.

When you were reading through your posts did you count how many times you showed concern for your BH?

On your empathy argument if what you are saying is true and you can feel empathy for others then it is heart breaking that you can't find any for the man that you promised to love forever. You inflicted trauma on him that is equal to the experiences of your clients yet you treat him with contempt. You blame him for your actions. You show him no empathy!

Have you considered what I mentioned?

In our very similar situation, we split amicably.

My two daughters are doing very well with me, and doing very well when they see their mom. Their mom, BTW, is very happy in her new life with her new guy.

The new guy treats her and my kids well, and she's not bound by commitments and baggage she had with me.

Why not just let him go?

Antler - because she wants to try. She's in therapy and she's posting here - and reading here. We have many members with PD's and it's not impossible to repair relationships and learn new coping mechanisms.

When I read your posts Done - I can almost see the wheels turning - I can tell that some of the perspectives presented to you here are new to you. It feels to me that you're tackling reconciliation academically and then sometimes I think it's more than that...I think you might be having some AHA moments and going beyond the textbook perceptions.

Keep posting Done. Keep reading.

Sassy, the intent was to see if Donewiththatlife wanted to state what you said 'out loud' so to speak. So far I haven't gotten the sense that she really wants either in or out of the M.

Done, you being in your M is your choice. You are not trapped and are free to leave whenever you want. Likewise, you are free to give as much or as little of yourself to you M as you see fit. That being said, there are two things to mention. First, what you get from your M is also proportional to what you can put in. Second, there is a wounded partner with needs of his own in the M equation.

What about your girls? How are they doing and what do you wish for them?

Interesting perspective antlered...

I would also agree that I havent heard her articulate why she wants to stay in the marriage. She hasnt mentioned loving het husband, her life with him, their past or hopes for the future. I know at this juncture its not realistic to have all of that mapped out but given her posts nothing seems salvageable in the marriage.

Is she doing the "work" to save face? To save her career?

I think what you brought up antlered is something DWTL needs to unpack a bit.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 10:01 PM, December 18th (Sunday)]

I'm pretty sure done was asked why not just d and she said because she loved her husband and truly believed they could change and do better....

What? Someone actually read my post?

HardyRose - I never blamed my actions on my spouse's behavior. Here's a post of mine on a thread called "The Whys" from earlier this month.

My whys -- I'm still pretty new to this, but the way I see it, I was in pain. I was in pain from many sources - FOO, CSA, abusive spouse, high maintenance kids, stressful career, blah, blah, blah. It really doesn't matter. What matters is that instead of dealing with that huge pile of shit in a healthy, productive way, I just threw a towel over it called infidelity. That was the easier way. The coward's way. But why did I choose infidelity to numb my pain? Unfortunately, as a fatherless daughter with history of CSA, I never learned my self worth and never learned what an appropriate relationship with a man is supposed to look like. So long as a man was paying attention to me, I felt worthy. Ugh. I was/am so f*cked up. But I choose not to stay that way. Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better!!!

sassy

When I read your posts Done - I can almost see the wheels turning - I can tell that some of the perspectives presented to you here are new to you. It feels to me that you're tackling reconciliation academically and then sometimes I think it's more than that...I think you might be having some AHA moments and going beyond the textbook perceptions.

This really spoke to me. I catch myself saying in IC often, "I know it in my head, but I don't really believe it in my heart."

If she has said that it has been disqualified by everything else she has said. She has consistently said that he is emotionally abusive, has been for years, is not acknowledging her "growth", is not NC, dismissive of his pain.

Given all the "work" she is doing on herself why is she there? She can continue her healing on her own. I don't know if D is in their future but if I were spouse I would question her motivation. Her actions and words do not say "I love you and we can get better". And given the way she touts and batters him with the "work" she is doing he should most certainly be questioning why she is staying.

And I think its okay to say Im not sure. But I certainly wouldn't take her "love and wanting to do better" to the Reconciliation Bank given her continued words and actions

I was able to come out of the fog by seeing others who were in it get whomped with 2x4s. I was able to stop blaming BH because I read veteran WS posts and saw what taking responsibility looked like.

He has not been physically abusive to me in many, many years. He has been psychologically abusive for a very long time. I am not interested in detailing that in order to convince you. I am not interested in describing the details of the reception and why I decided to go. I am here to do my work and the fact that BH is now posting his perceptions and getting responses that I don't agree with is not going to change that. I will read and dig deep to see if they ring true. If they do I will work there. If they do not, I will let them go. This distraction hurts, but I will not let it pull me off course.

Really struggling, folks. I can take responsibility for my actions and grow and change. It is harder when you have been psychologically and physically abused and the abuse continues. It is harder, but not impossible.

I have read a lot of my old posts looking for the arrogant unremorseful person. Early on I couldn't take responsibility for my infidelity because of the emotional abuse. I know that we were both wrong, neither actions excuse the other. I know that I can only do my work. I really started focusing on improving myself, becoming a safe partner and better person.

I keep reminding myself that this place is called surviving infidelity, not surviving emotional abuse.

Many here on SI see only adultery as the abuse worth mentioning and ignore any other issues, even current ones

.

Done these quotes are all from you this month. You did blame your BH for your affairs, you still are.

Mentioning BH's behavior is not the same as blaming him for mine.

My whys -- I'm still pretty new to this, but the way I see it, I was in pain. I was in pain from many sources - FOO, CSA, abusive spouse, high maintenance kids, stressful career, blah, blah, blah.

You just listed an abusive spouse as one of your why's. to be honest I doubt he is abusive. He is just behaving as someone who has been abused and manipulated by you DWTL for his entire marriage.

Why does it seem like you are handling your marriage like its a case in court?

Done, I am not going to argue semantics with you. I was trying to help you but you aren't interested in my help, you are interested in being right. I hope one day you are able to see that you aren't the victim here but the perpetrator.

I am going to stop trying to help you as your lies, twisting of the truth and blame shifting is triggering me. It is reminding me of the abuse I suffered.

This really spoke to me. I catch myself saying in IC often, "I know it in my head, but I don't really believe it in my heart.

"

Do you feel this way often and about most things in life?

Done, I hesitate to post on your threads, because honestly, you trigger me also. Please bear with me, as I'm not a very good writer.

I agree with the posters that say you are treating this as a case, not a marriage in trouble. Now, is this the dynamic IRL? I don't know. However, if it is, I can't imagine you are making much progress with your BH.

As a BS, this is my observation only. You explain your "whys" like you are outlining evidence. It feels very cold. More like you are trying to be right, than heal. Yourself or your BH.

Your "whys", while on the right track, need to be deeper. Many people, myself included, could list those "whys", that would never cheat. After each why, there is a deeper emotion that drives that. Those are the whys.

Also, just an observation, your BH may need more emotion from you. Less clinical. For me, I needed my WH to give me something from his heart. With tons of "feeling words". Even if it was in the form of a letter. For example, how did you feel when you had to come home and look at my face? How does it make you feel when I'm sobbing on the floor.

Just my 2 cents. I wish you and your BH the very best.

Hi Done, I hope you came through the weekend okay (i.e. as well as can be expected). I was feeling a little under the weather and between that and Christmas stuff, I didn't spend much time on SI. All that to say, I'm just getting caught up. I read back through this thread, and this comment jumped out at me because of something my husband told me after I had turned yet another conversation around on myself.

On empathy -

Most of you already know that I am an attorney. I work with drug addicts, child molesters as well as child victims of sexual abuse. I work with those who have stolen and destroyed property and people. Sometimes I feel such an overwhelming sense of compassion for these people that it hinders my work. They are so utterly broken. Many have faced demons that you and I could never dream of. I acknowledge their pain. I point out how their behavior causes more pain. I encourage them to grow and change and every once in a while, they do. I hold on to that with all that I have and continue to do what I do.

I do not lack the ability to empathize. I can even empathize for BH, but I struggle when he is at his worse and I let my pain get the best of me. I'm working on it.

At work, I pride myself on providing excellent customer service. I think about all the times I've been on the receiving end of bad customer service: the rude, the short, the not-helpful, the distracted, the incomplete-information, etc. I put myself in my customer's shoes and try to explain a process which they will encounter rarely, but I work with every day. It's intimidating and sometimes overwhelming for them. My husband suggested that I keep in mind customer service when we discuss the affair. I pictured him whenever I interacted with a customer for the next few days after that. I made a list of how I treat my customers that might be beneficial when interacting with BH:

>Customer service is not about me (It is not my fault that my Customer didn't do what she needed to do when she needed to do it. My husband needs me to hear his pain without making it about me. oh, that sounds like something Brene Brown said in a book )

>It is fact-based (These are the actions and the data and the emails and the dates that we have to work with. I don't get emotional when my Customer asks a question or challenges me on something.)

>I have boundaries (I know what is within the scope of my responsibilities and what is not. I will not try to take on more than what is actually mine.)

>I am available, cheerful, polite (no cussing), focused, prompt, firm (but not angry) and undistracted.

Clearly, it is not an exact one-for-one correlation because my husband is not my customer. However, the mentality I use to approach my customers does, in a small way, carry over and helps me separate myself from my husband's situation just enough to keep the focus on him without turning it around on myself.

Maybe this will help you. Interact with your clients and imagine your husband there on the other side of the table.

You, like all Recovering-Waywards, have a lot of work to do. Keep your wits about you. Take a deep breath. Move forward.

Nezzy

prissy4lyfe,

Since this is donewiththatlife's in her forum, talking about her like she's not here is rude and uncalled for.

To all members, If this situation triggers you and you can't be respectful, please step away. There are lots of other people looking for help.

Do you feel this way often and about most things in life?

Hmm. I wouldn't say most things. I feel like I have really detached in certain areas. The last time I said that to IC, we were discussing finding my worth from within. I know in my head that I have a lot of great qualities even in light of all that I've done, but in my heart I feel so worthless.

Nez - Great insight. Thanks for the post.

I think people are sensing that detachment.

I can very much relate to that detachment as I was the same way in my life due to FOO issues.

Have you always had this detachment or is it recent?