SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DWTL, I know from other posts that you are a lawyer.

Do you do divorce law? If so, do this. Go back and read each of your own posts and ask yourself, with an open mind: do I sound like one of my clients? And then ask yourself: do I believe 100% everything my divorce clients tell me?

If you can do that it should give insight as to some of what the other folks here are telling you.

IMO, it is a big deal to know all this about yourself and work with it in IC and psych. Nothing wrong with being your own cheerleader and I don't think you are arrogant. Just overwhelmed. But, that is coming from me and many newbies have called me arrogant. Don't let the opinions of others bother you so much. Who cares what they think. They don't know you personally. They can't possibly say anything worse about you that you haven't said to yourself. As my 7yr old daughter would say, "Let it Go". People like myself read between the lines. You choose what to do with it. You decide if we are way off base or not. Only you know. It isn't what is said that matters. It is what you do with it.

As far as your husband, would you define it as affair related or character related with his lashing? You seem to have the empathy. You seem to see it and feel it for him. You just seem afraid to be lost in it. Because you are pardon the term, "A hot mess right now"? I can relate to that. I bet many of us can. That is a hard one. My best advice. Do more for yourself while you bring on their pain and process it together. Hobby, bucket list.

Are you still in contact with the AP? You can't be remorseful and still be in contact with a man that blew up your husband's life.

Done - I noticed that in another post you blamed your mean spouse for your affairs.... I don't know why I feel the need to keep trying to get you to see that whatever your BH's behaviour is it like it is no justification for your multiple affairs.

In another post you spoke about how when you felt he was mean to you you would get validation from having sex with an AP.

Are you still in contact with any of your AP's? I notice that you have been asked this question multiple times and you ignore it, do you ignore it because it doesn't fit into the story you have that you are the victim and your BH is the bad guy?

[This message edited by HardyRose at 8:44 PM, December 28th (Wednesday)]

HardyRose, she answered that question in the first couple of pages of this thread:

I am NC. There is one who is sometimes where I am. I do not make eye contact. I do not speak to him. I do not acknowledge him in any way.

Her BH stated on his thread that Done sometimes needs to be in court at the same time as one of her AP's (probably if their cases are on the same docket).

I hope you don't mind me answering Done, it's just that I remember you addressing it earlier. I too feel you need to sort out your resentment for your husband. I was a crappy wife preA. Once we got into true reconciliation and I was on a healing path, I began to address my negative behaviours, even though they had nothing to do with my husband's affair. I addressed my issues because I wanted a better marriage and I was part of that solution.

It might help to just resist mentioning his preA behaviour...much like you wouldn't mention his love of cats let's say - if you acknowledge the cats or his preA behaviour had nothing to do with your affairs. It might definitely have something to do with your resentment - but your choice to deal with your resentment with infidelity is totally on you.

[This message edited by sassylee at 11:50 PM, December 28th (Wednesday)]

Thanks Sassy. I guess I was wondering if Done considers hereself in NC with all AP's when she chooses to attend events like the retirement party where they will all be.

HardyRose

I used to blame my spouse for my affairs. I don't anymore. Did you read the entire post? Or do you just look for the parts that support your position and pick them out.

As far as NC, I choose to attend school and work functions where ONE of my APs is likely to be. It is not something that I take lightly. Lots of thought and consideration go into whether or not the event is worth being around him.

Sassy

Thanks for responding.

I totally understand that preA behavior is tough to address post dday. The thing is, I'm talking about current behavior. The belittling and berating in earshot of my girls has to stop. The manipulation has to stop. Someone here said what I am going through perfectly - You can't compartmentalize change. As I'm working to grow and be a better person, I'm finding it difficult to tolerate this behavior. I'm learning to treat myself with love and respect and I expect the same from my spouse.

Thanks for posting Zug. I value your opinion and your response meant a lot to me.

Yes Done I read your entire post. Just so I am clear - it is ok for you to continue to see your AP's even though your BH asks you not to. In fact you claim to have given it great thought and still gone for the option that you know causes him pain. So you expect him to get over your 8 affairs and only treat you in a loving manner at all times but you arent required to act in a loving manner towards him?

I guess that is one way to spin it. That isn't the way I perceive it.

Ok. Explain to me how you perceive it?

Yeah. From your last post..you have not changed one bit. I guess the only person who sees your change is you. If you are the only one to see your change, then you probably have not. You may have stopped doing some things, but the most important thing has not changed yet. You're mindset. What HardyRose said was not a spin. It is a bold face look at what you are actually doing. There is not a lot of thought to go to a function where your AP will be. If you had any true concern, you would not go because it is hurtful to your husband. However you resent your husband so much that it doesn't matter to you. You still choose to go. Just like the retirement party. Oh yeah and you were pretty coarse with your comment to your husband about why you should go and what he could do if he didn't like it. Well I guess you both belittle each other

Whose thoughts and consideration go into determining whether the event is worth going?

Yours or his?

I totally understand that preA behavior is tough to address post dday. The thing is, I'm talking about current behavior. The belittling and berating in earshot of my girls has to stop. The manipulation has to stop. Someone here said what I am going through perfectly - You can't compartmentalize change. As I'm working to grow and be a better person, I'm finding it difficult to tolerate this behavior. I'm learning to treat myself with love and respect and I expect the same from my spouse.

After multiple A's, how far back in your M are you considering his preA behavior relevant to your behavior. Why is preA behavior important after multiple A's? After the first A it ceases to be preA behavior for both of you. How long ago was your first A?

I also wonder what you consider his manipulations post Dday. Are they manipulations or boundaries?

As a betrayed spouse hopefully I can tell you a few helpful things from the other side....

I agree that the children should not be around to hear his vents toward you, as I feel just as strongly that children do not deserve an A to invade their family. Both of you should have been putting the kids well being as a priority. Both of you need to step up now and make their home and family a safe place. Find a private place and time to let him vent, be heard, and be acknowledged. My H's ears are still red from the words I spoke to him a few years ago. I needed to say them and he needed to hear them. A few words strung together will never atone for the things he did with AP and against me, however, bottled emotions would have killed our M.

Regarding your last two sentences in the above quote, you are showing that you have no idea what you have done to your H. Demanding love and respect from the person you recently betrayed, while showing no love or respect toward him during the multiple betrayals, sounds very wrapped in self. Working on yourself should not become a weapon to swing down on your betrayed spouse. Your new found self love is not what he wants to embrace right now, with good reason. You do not get to make demands of his heart right now, R or not. Your IC is meant to help you repair yourself, not him or your M. You may both be broken, but making the love/respect demand right now and bringing your IC exercises down on his head is not helpful to him or his healing.

The Native American adage walk a mile in his moccasins is helping me - I'm not sure where we'll land marriage wise - but I literally think about life in his shoes....

When he wakes up early to go to the gym - first thought is probably of me with another man. He drags himself in to the kitchen for coffee - thoughts of me betraying him - thoughts of himself while I was carrying on as he calls it - goes to the gym - pounds weights to get the anger out - trying to pump up endorphins - must be an element there of I will look good and make that b***h (me!) eat her heart out - I will take care of myself despite what she's done.... And on and on and on it goes for him -- all day long.

I try to intervene - get his coffee, help him get to the gym, etc etc. I'm handling household chores, childcare, I'm drop exhausted at the end of the day. I've been sick a week having successfully pulled Christmas off by myself again. But it's what you do.

Can a BS really start thinking about their own healing while they're still trying to stabilize?

We are over a year out - I've done most things right according to SI advice. Maybe the best possible scenario (maybe not if he weighed in - lol)

Empathize and you see how much destruction you've really created. It's enough to make you wana put yourself in a cave - but you can't/shouldn't - we can help heal them but only if we are trying to and they'll let us.

And in my experience -- the last thing my H wants is anything from me -- so I play PI and figure it out until he can stabilize a little bit and engage. It may not happen for us - he decides. I'm

committed to his healing and holding my own boundaries as I do.

After multiple A's, how far back in your M are you considering his preA behavior relevant to your behavior. Why is preA behavior important after multiple A's? After the first A it ceases to be preA behavior for both of you. How long ago was your first A?

I also wonder what you consider his manipulations post Dday. Are they manipulations or boundaries?

Lovedyoumore had some good questions here Done.

Also Studies of BPD has shown that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder. Is this something you have explored with your IC? Have you been working on addressing this?

Inappropriate Reply

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:18 PM, December 31st (Saturday)]

I disagree. Done has additional challenges than your typical WS...she needs to overcome the limitations that come with BPD and she's addressing that with her therapist. I think her posting to other threads can show growth. How do we know her BH isn't posting because he's seeing improvement?

Done - I'm glad you're still active here. That takes courage - keep it up!

Thank you Sassy for you perspective. I do hope you are correct, that would be great. I also hope it is growth for OP as opposed to more gaslighting and ego building posts.

Time as it always does will tell. For me based on my perspective i do not see it. I've been wrong before.

Again, thank you Sassy!

Best wishes