SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Forum!

I have come here for help, because I can't talk to anyone I know personally about this. Not my friends, family, or anyone. Before I begin, I ask that all responses be respectful because this is about my family. Thank you!

My wife and I have been together for 14 years and married for over 10 years. I'm 43 and she is 39. We have had a very loving and respectful relationship the entire time and we have 2 children. Around May 2015, we had a argument and it was about something stupid. She was careless about the car and I had gotten mad. She left the house and started texting me about divorce. I was stunned! For this stupid argument?! Anyway, after begging and pleasing and apologizing we were back on track. A year later, this year, she found a naked picture of a girl on my phone that my brother had texted me. It was from the internet. It was nothing. (For the record, I'm a very loyal man. I have never been unfaithful to her even when I used to travel the world on business.). But again, the text messages started to come. All kinds of insults and then the D word again. We finally talked and she said that I was controlling, and nagging, etc. I agreed to go to therapy. So I did and I changed my ways. But I got very suspicious this time. Especially because, she was very conciseness about her text messages appearing in our MAC. I had a gut feel that there was something else. I began to check her phone and tried to see where she is going etc. About 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, she was on a day-long business meeting and when she left the meeting I noticed that she got to our neighborhood but she didn't come home straightaway. She was driving around for about a half hour. When she finally arrived, I asked what took so long and I got the "traffic" response. This made me suspicious. I checked her phone and the last call was 3 hours ago. No text messages. I made nothing of it and thought perhaps she was listening to something on YouTube and didn't want to stop.

A week later I checked the phone records and I found out she was on the phone during that half hour with someone. I checked the bill and more and more calls and texts. I looked up the number and it was a number in "nameless city". Then suddenly it clicked! Over 2 years ago, she went to that city alone claiming to have postpartum depression and from a recent cancer scare that she was already cleared from. Suddenly my abdomen was in such pain that it felt that I had been hit by a bus.

I confronted her that night and she came clean. She went to a conference 2.5 years ago in Vegas and went to a club with her friend and she danced with this guy and they kissed and exchanged numbers but the guy lives 3000 miles away. She talked to him for 2 months before going over there to spend 3 days with him in her hotel room. That was the only incident of sexual contact. They continued their relationship for another 7 months but then she told him it had to stop. And then they continued as "friends" talking monthly and texting once or twice a week.

I am so devastated! All my life, I loved her dearly and treated her with love and respect. All my life I've been faithful. I still love her even after all this. On one hand I have my love for her, the lives of my children and on the other I have my own personal dignity, self respect, and crushed ego to deal with. What do I do? We are seeing a counselor but it's so hard to forgive. This is beyond cruel because I'm really a nice guy. I have a prosperous career - so does she - but all my life, I've cooked, cleaned, done laundry, attended to my children night after night for 5 years. I don't go anywhere without my family. This is my payback?! I want to work it out but I keep thinking that it may be a mistake.

She says she was a different person back then and that she was depressed and sick of life and didn't care and that she's gone through a lot of self improvement in the last couple years. But I look back and we had a pretty good time then. We had big parties, we went on date nights, what else can a couple do? I don't know what to do and I'm so confused. Especially in my culture, infidelity is so huge that parents disown their own flesh and blood if they commit adultery. What am I going to do? How do I live with this in my life? How do I get used to this new life? If I lose her, I'll never remarry cuz I only see happiness with her and our family as a whole unit.

Please share your insights and experiences. Please help me get out of this mess. Thank you!

All of your feelings are justified. How can the person u have been so loyal to be so decitful in return. I don't have advice but I feel your pain and believe you are allowed to feel everything u are feeling right now.

Devistated, I am so sorry you are here but you are among friends, I can assure you people are respectful and know the pain of loving someone so deeply that hurt you so deeply.

Others will be along soon to give you some great advice. I just want to tell you this is NOT punishment, you did NOTHING wrong, and you WILL get through this.

Choosing to stay or go is so hard. Some of the best advice I got early on is make no decisions now. You have a lifetime to decide and some never take D (divorce) off the table. Right now you need to understand two things, 1) it is her job to mend your broken marriage and 2) it is your job to take care of yourself, your shattered self worth, your health, your children. You need to focus on healing from this shock, and you will be in shock for some time.

Another excellent piece of advice I got was to start individual counseling not Marriage counseling. As I think you mentioned you have gne to therapy before and know how it works. YOU NEED SOMEONE TO CONFIDE IN! You therapist will not be concerned about her, hurting her feelings, her healing, or anything about her...He/she will only be concerned with you, how you feel, how you deal with this. MC will work on communication, will focus on the marriage as a whole.

She needs to search herself (also in IC), her lack of boundaries her issues on her own to show you she can change. Even though the PA (physical affair) was a long time ago she needs to face and deal with why she felt a need to keep this person in her life all this time. Why was she still texting him a few times a week, why did she need this destructive "friend" in her life.

You will be grieving for a long tie in different stages. You will grieve your definition of your marriage, your family unit, the trust you had for your WW (wayward or wandering wife) It will be a nighmare!

This is a different grieving than when someone passes away, people bring food, everyone cries...no one blames you or tells you to "get over it" in this case many like yourself grieve alone, put on a happy face for the kids and even yourself at times. Anger, bartering, denial...all of them (7) will come to light at some point. Know this is normal.

People do get through infidelity, this forum gives me a lot of hope because so many here are reconsolidating and recovering from the devastation this choice caused their marriage but people will caution you on mistakes to avoid, some things will be hard to hear but trust that they need to be considered.

This is not a poor people's problem, not just the uneducated, not just what mean people go through. Infidelity is much more common than you think and just about everyone on here will say "I never thought they would ever do this to me" just like I said.

Keep posting. This is your save place. There is even a way to conceal the site so your wife can't find this. Use this as your safe place. You are among friends.

That's a tough story, but unfortunately not that uncommon. Basically, your WW started having an affair, then did two things when you confronted her back in 2015: blameshifted (put the reasons she was unhappy on you, not the fact that she felt guilty about cheating) and projected her shitty behavior on to you.

She did not "end it" and just talked as friends - she continued the affair. Honestly, I think her story is the tip of the iceberg - I would not be suprised if there were additional meet ups between the two of them. Be prepared for the trickle truth (TT).

A few things you will need to do before you can even start to think about healing:

- get a timeline (written) from her about when and where she saw this guy.

-Learn who he is; name, address, is he married, GF? etc.

-Determine if her travel coincided with OM (did they meet again in original city? other cities?)

Then, you want to contact the OBS (other betrayed spouse) if he is married, let her know what is going on. This is to put pressure on OM to stop seeing your WW, and to gather more info on if/when WW/OM saw/see each other. It's also the right thing to do - you would have wanted someone to tell you back in May 2015 rather than go through the last year of bullshit, right?

Then consult a lawyer. learn about the divorce process and what it would look like if you divorced. You don't have to file right away, but it gives you information and takes away some of the fear of divorce. Information is power.

Then, get into IC for yourself to help process this trauma. You will need it.

Finally, keep posting. We've all been through this and are here to help you get through this.

She says she was a different person back then and that she was depressed and sick of life and didn't care and that she's gone through a lot of self improvement in the last couple years

She says . . .classic.

What does she do ? I hate to say it, but she had a PA that continued as at least an EA until very recently.

Is she still in contact with him ? What is willing to do to demonstrate that you can trust her again ?

I'd bet there is at least some (probably more) that she is not telling you.

Stay mindful and aware. The worst outcome is not losing your wife but you continuing to have to life in infidelity and share her.

devastated43,

First of all, reconciliation and a happy marriage are possible, but getting there is not easy. Read my backstory.

Remember 2 things, NONE of this is your fault and reconciliation would be a gift from you to her.

You have already gotten some excellent advice, and more will come. Here is what I have to add:

1 She must go no contact (NC) with the OM immediately and for the rest of her life. You must approve the NC letter/email that she sends. Any response or future communication from him goes to you, unopened.

2 STD testing for BOTH of you. There are STDs that can only be tested for in women and that do not present symptoms until after they have done their damage. HPV is one of these.

3 No business travel without you for the next few years.

4 You both start IC. You to help you deal with the pain and heal. Her to learn how to identify and fix what is broken in her that allowed her to do this.

Based on what you have written, she does not understand the pain she has caused and the impact the broken trust will have on both of you for the next few years.

5 If you do not already have all the contact information on the OM, she must provide it to you immediately, including whether or not there is and OBS (other betrayed spouse or girlfriend). After you verify all this, you must then, without your WW (wayward wife) knowing, inform the OBS. It is the right thing to do.

When I confronted my fWW (former wayward wife), I gave her 30 seconds to choose between me and our daughter and the OM. Choosing the OM, or not deciding at all, would have resulted in my throwing some of HER things into a bag, and driving her to the OM's house and dropping her off. The OBS would have loved that.

Obviously, since we happily reconciled, she chose me and our daughter.

You have started on a long journey, but no matter what, you and your kids will survive and be happy again.

And then they continued as "friends" talking monthly and texting once or twice a week.

Did you confirm this was true with phone records? That's tough to believe. If you only see this unbelievably low frequency of contact its likely they were in contact through some other medium.

Step 1- get all of the truth. You may have to force it out. Ask her to provide you with a timeline of their contact and in-person meetings. Take that timeline and get to work on phone records, email, facebook, receipts, everything you can get your hands on. If you find nothing that seems odd, ok. If you do let her know that you know there is more and she has one chance to give it all or you're out of there. Never reveal what you know. Only that you know more.

Step 2- Put your heart away for now. Let your WW know you need some time to think. Your heart is going to ask you to accept some things that your gut knows is bullsh** Listen to your gut. Your gut is all you trust right now.

Step 3- Disconnect from the marriage emotionally if you can. You need to step outside and look at the facts. Accept the fact that you can survive on your own if you have to. I'm not saying leave her. You just need to accept the fact that you might have to. It sounds crazy. I know you love your wife but unless you are prepared to leave you can't save this marriage. The old marriage is gone anyway. Your decision now is do you want to build a new one. She already ended your old marriage. She just didn't tell you.

[This message edited by Chance819 at 5:42 PM, December 16th (Friday)]

I don't know how much you have read here, but very few of us get the truth on dday. You need to mentally prepare yourself for the worst, because cheaters lie and minimize everything.

My husband was just sexting, until I found evidence that actual sex occurred. But then it was "only twice" (classic cheater). It really went on many times, over 2.5 years. Also there were other AP. What is the guy's motivation to stay in contact, such constant contact with your wife, unless it was a full blown affair, or either they are in love?

I am so sorry you are here

You need to go full blown Marriage CIA on her.

[This message edited by mharris at 6:00 PM, December 16th (Friday)]

Thank you so much for all the replies. As tough as it is knowing that my wife has been with another man, divorce looks worse. But at the same time what drives me crazy is I'm a hopeless romantic. I have shown her all kinds of love and tenderness in our marriage. Not once have I disrespected her. Not once have I cursed at her. Why did she do this? WHYYYYYYY?

I been crying everyday for almost a month. I can't sleep more than 5 hours. And I think I have aged 5 years on this one month alone. I sometimes snap at my kids, and then hate myself for being an A-hole because this monster is not me. I'm a happy and fun guy. I've never stolen a dime and never used anyone for anything. I've been good to everyone I know. I have no enemies. Why should this happen to me?

PS-

Don't let her know about this site, it will let her stay one step ahead of you, and know exactly what you are thinking. Many new BS have made this mistake.

Devastated, l'm so sorry for you. Reading your story, I see myself seven years ago, and again feel my heart sunk.

One thing I ask you kindly – get real: when you describe your happy family life, keep in mind that she saw it differently. When you say you were happy, she could feel differently. Don't project you nice personality on your wife. You don't know who she is really is. Or don't want to see and accept it. So. please don't put her on a pedestal, otherwise your nightmare will never stop and will ruin your mental health and happiness of your kids – you will loose in a long run if you don't find a courage to accept your "new" reality, take your wife for who she really is.

Please hang on here. You can see here a brief checklist you may find helpful: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=120134

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 6:56 PM, December 16th (Friday)]

Devastated, the WHY is the million dollar question. All of us BS try to figure it out, go over everything in our minds. What if this? What if that? Did they do it because I did x? The real reason is because they wanted to do it, and thought they would be able to pull it off. They didnt care about the consequences. They didn't care about your pain if you found out. They didn't care about if they destroyed the family. They wanted their fun. Period. It's a tough one to accept. Selfishness, plain and simple.

Prepare for your wife to start rewriting the history of the marriage, too. Suddenly, the happy times will not be happy. They all do it in order to justify their cheating.

I’m so sorry for what you have had happen to you and for what you will be going through in the future because of your WW’s actions.

Please understand that you will probably be getting a lot of responses and that some of them may seem harsh regarding your WW. I recommend that you thoroughly read all the responses even those that are painful to read.

We have had a very loving and respectful relationship the entire time

You must realize that this statement is not true. For the last 2 ½ years your WW has been disrespecting you and has been involved in an affair with OM which has been both physical and emotional. This is the reason behind her twice threatening divorce during that time. She clearly has not been fully invested in your marriage.

I confronted her that night and she came clean

She confessed some information when faced with evidence. When first confronted it is EXTREMELY unusual that you will get the entire truth. Please believe me when I say that almost never happens no matter how remorseful they are. There is almost always going to be TT. I find it difficult to believe it was only physical that one trip. You realize he could have traveled to your city and you would never have known it.

Have you gotten access to her phone and seen the texts that they have exchanged or has she deleted them? You should compare her phone records against the dates for the texts on her phone. If she has deleted the messages then you should attempt to recover them using recovery software. You need to know whether there were declarations of love, evidence of other meetings or discussions of leaving you. Secrets that she still may be keeping can be like cancer cells that if not exposed now may result in a false R and the possible new A at a later date. Please do not make the mistake of rugsweeping this. She needs to realize that she must come clean now with everything they have said or done because if you attempt R and later find she withheld something it will set you back to zero. There will be a limited number of times that can happen before you find yourself so traumatized that you won’t want to try again.

Has she given you OM’s name and address and whether he is married? If he is then you need to expose the A to the OBS without any warning to your WW. That is one of the surest ways of killing an A.

How is she acting? Has she given a reason for the A? She may make promises of this never happening again but those will only be words. It is actions that will count. You need to realize that she has lied and deceived you over the entire duration of the affair so believe only things you can verify.

It absolutely is possible to have a happy reconciliation. I am older and for some reason am the person that people confide in. Maybe because I never betray confidences.

I know of many couples who have successfully overcome infidelity. A couple of decades ago when some public figures were being outed (please don't anyone go political here) it was often quite obvious who had been through this trauma by their reactions.

But "rug sweeping" or pretending that it never happened never works.

Trying to "nice her into staying" or doing the "pick me dance" also does not work. Sounds like you were the nicest DH you could be and she still cheated - so that that obviously doesn't work.

It's okay to be brutally honest about how you feel and what you need.

Good luck to you both.

a conference 2.5 years ago

This would be June 2014?

went to a club with her friend

My opinion - that ain't no friend of the marriage.

My opinion - that ain't no friend of you.

My opinion - that friend has to go.

Does the "friend" know about the affair?

went to a club with her friend

My opinion - she shouldn't be going to "a club" without you being present any more, ever. Not with her so-called "friends" and not with her "co-workers."

My opinion - it shows disrespect for a married husband/wife to "she danced with this guy and they kissed and exchanged numbers." Does she go to "clubs" where one of the major "activities" is drinking and meeting the members of opposite sex?

Because - my opinion - going to "clubs" like that show the PERCEPTION that husband/wife is available, and apparently the other man perceived that, and apparently, that perception was accurate.

Over 2 years ago, she went to that city alone claiming to have postpartum depression and from a recent cancer scare that she was already cleared from

She talked to him for 2 months before going over there to spend 3 days with him in her hotel room. That was the only incident of sexual contact.

So this was about June 2014 - August 2014?

The 2 months "before going over there," I guess she told him how much she wanted to have sex with him, and vice versa. Was it how much she "loved" him, too?

Going "3000 miles away" on a trip by herself with no business purpose, just because she had postpartum depression and cancer scare - how does that make sense from you at that time? Why that particular city 3000 miles away? What was the rhyme/reason of that place, why would being alone like that because of that supposed reason, make sense at that time?

So she made up a "postpartum depression" so she could have sex with him? And the cancer scare wasn't really so scary after all, but it sure was a nice excuse to get some sex? Or she really did have postpartum depression and truly was scared as heck, and apparently, she found a new terrific "cure" of those things, meeting a new relationship partner and a three-day sex-fest (not great for a marriage, but a great fix for your "depression" and anxiety)?

They continued their relationship for another 7 months but then she told him it had to stop.

During the seven months, while they were supposedly still having an affair, how frequently did they text/call?

So this "STOP" was about March 2015? And during this time, I assume, there was more telling each other how much they wanted to have sex and/or "loved" each other? So she's into this guy for about 9 months? Now it ends "sexually"? How about "emotionally"? Or was it still talking about sex? And was it still "I love you's?" Is the guy married? After this, they continued as "friends" talking monthly and texting once or twice a week - what do they talk/message about? What do they have in common? All I see in common is "sex" and "I love you's." I mean, if she wanted to talk about the weather or politics or sports or women's fashions or celebrity events or movies - she has other friends, correct?

Around May 2015, we had a argument and it was about something stupid. She was careless about the car and I had gotten mad. She left the house and started texting me about divorce. I was stunned! ... Anyway, after begging and pleasing and apologizing we were back on track.

So at this point, the "AFFAIR" was over, and they were "JUST FRIENDS." Yet she was ready to DIVORCE?

A year later, this year, she found a naked picture of a girl on my phone that my brother had texted me. It was from the internet. It was nothing.

So this was about May 2016? Why did you delete the naked woman and tell your brother to stop sending you pictures of naked pictures? Why hold onto that? In my opinion, that's suspect - having a friend/brother who sends naked pictures, holding onto it - I could see why she might wonder about that.

the text messages started to come. All kinds of insults and then the D word again. We finally talked and she said that I was controlling, and nagging, etc. I agreed to go to therapy. So I did and I changed my ways.

So, I have a question. If you were always loving and respectful the entire marriage, what kind of "ways" did you have to change? This is about June 2016?

About 2 weeks before Thanksgiving, she stopped in the car for about a half hour to talk with him on the phone, AFTER a day-long "conference"?

About 1 week before Thanksgiving, she admitted to the whole "story"?

Now you have begun counseling and she claims She says she was a different person back then and that she was depressed and sick of life and didn't care and that she's gone through a lot of self improvement in the last couple years. Yes, it seems if you are depressed and sick of life and need to improve yourself, nothing works better than having an affair. So I guess she is seeing the affair as a good thing? It helped her out of her postpartum depression and her cancer scare, it helped her improve herself, and she is all good to go now, so no need for therapy, she is cured?

My opinion, you should ask her to write down a timeline of what she did and what she was thinking about while she did it. Why did she tell herself that was OK? What did her "friend" have to do with any of this?

Second, I don't know if you can tell from the way I posted, but I don't really find the whole "story" is reality - it seems like a lot of holes and things don't quite add up - and maybe part of your despair is that things don't really add up.

Did you get any evidence other than her word? There may not be any other evidence.

The part of her story that I find, probably minimized or flat-out lied - that she STOPPED the affair - I would suspect that it had cooled a bit, but if she was in contact, texting, calling on the phone - especially the calling on the phone - that is extremely probable that they were talking of sexual/romantic relationship - I just don't see them verbally talking on the phone and just talking about "how's it going, the weather is nice here, how about where you are" without going to "you make me hot, I miss you" territory. If it was truly "just friends" at that point, when you found out, then why did she have to keep it a secret any longer? Why not just have the "how is the weather there" conversation with you present, or just not care?

It is very common for the cheater to say "it ended a while ago" when it really still is going on, or just mutually on hiatus until the next time we can be together again.

I am fairly certain their texts, and even more so, their verbal conversations, were largely inappropriate content like sex and I love you and I miss you with baby talk and pet names.

The other part I suspect is a lie is the "dancing and kissing and exchanging text" in Vegas. More likely "kissing" was "sex." The other part, given the thing was going on from JUNE 2014 to NOVEMBER 2016 - 2 1/2 YEARS - there is a strong possibility they have met up more than just the one time. I am not as sure of that as I am that the conversations never went to the "friend" status of appropriateness, but still staying in contact and JUST FRIENDS MARCH 2015-NOVEMBER 2016 - OVER 1 1/2 YEARS - that doesn't add up to "just friends" or "no more sex" or "no possible future sex."

Ask for a written timeline.

Ask her to get tested for STDs.

Ditch the supposed girl"friend" who confides and maybe encourages cheating.

Blow up the affair, tell the guy's wife, ask wife to change her phone number, block him on email and phone and facebook and such.

Other than that, if you start to feel you have the truth, and she is willing to SHOW in ACTIONS, not just WORDS, that she wants to fix this, that is still some tough sledding through about 2-5 years to feel like your past it.

Everyone, thanks for all the insights.

We talked again last night. I cried mostly. (All my life I've been the source of strength for my brothers and sister and other close family and now I just keep crying like a baby. How ironic!)

Our children were 2 and 4 back then. It was a tough period. The 2 year old still would wake up once or twice per night. We were both very stressed. For about about a year or so, we slept in separate rooms because one of us had to sleep with my older son who had a history of a couple seizure episodes. Nonetheless, we made love routinely. We hadn't traveled or gone out too much for a while, but we were starting to. I think because of all this stress, the high from a sudden attention and fascination from someone was like an uncontrollable drug habit. But I keep thinking, what about, "...through hardship and sorrow..." Does that mean much?

She says she was tired of our life and started fantasizing about finding someone else and starting a new life. She wanted to have fun. She actually considered moving in with him and thought that he was her soulmate, but later realized that it was not real. That her life was here. That she would never just be able to forget her past and start a new life. Especially not when there are 2 children. She realized that the only reason she felt closer to him was because of this big secret. She wanted to tell me to release this guilt and stop carrying this with her but she was afraid that I would leave her. (This assumption is true for probably 99.9% of the cases in my culture.) I told her that because this fear and guilt was occupying a huge space in her heart it hindered her ability to love me wholeheartedly. And she says, that now that that's gone, she doesn't think about him or give damn about him anymore. She says she is fully committed to our marriage and she hopes that I don't leave her and if I do, she'd still love me and regret this for the rest of her life.

As far as the friend, she doesn't know anything. The friend did see them dancing but has not seen them kissing. Anyway, I still hate her. They were both married and they should have watched out for each other. In my view, the friend failed miserably. Or perhaps she was jealous, and deep down wanted something like this to happen. The fact is, we have 2 beautiful children and her and her husband can't have kids after trying for a long time. Also my wife and I are both more successful. So I think there is some jealousy.

She says they have not had any other encounter. That was the only time. But I'm sure they've had phone sex perhaps. Anyway, she says she is here and fully committed. She says she'll change her phone number if so I shall desire.

As scared and wounded as I am, I think she is being truthful. I think she is genuinely here in her heart and soul.

I think what has been assumed in terms of timeline, I'd rather not clarify because then the story becomes more unique and traceable. All I will say is that it's in the ballpark.

[This message edited by devastated43 at 10:34 AM, December 17th (Saturday)]

get her pw to email, social media, etc. dont give her time to delete.

there is alot more to this story.

Sorry you are here my man

Keep digging.

I think you have only read the first chapter in the novel.

I think because of all this stress

People strive, pray to have stress like that, two beautiful kids making good money, LIVING THE DREAM. Please. She is saying this was stress? Kids don't sleep well at night? That's her excuse?

a sudden attention and fascination from someone was like an uncontrollable drug habit.

Wow. A dude in a club danced with her and kissed her, and this was some "sudden attention" and "an uncontrollable drug habit." I just don't see it. This is the nature of a club like that, dudes ask women to dance, and if the women will agree, more often than not, the dudes will try to kiss them, and if the women agree, the dudes will try to ... do more.

through hardship and sorrow...

What hardship and sorrow?

She says she was tired of our life and started fantasizing about finding someone else and starting a new life.

Either she's making this stuff up just to shut you up, or this does not portend very well for your future marriage with her.

She actually considered moving in with him and thought that he was her soulmate

Danced and "kissed." Talked with him on the phone two months. Had a three-day sexfest. And jumped to "soulmates." Allllrighty then.

Like I said, you two were LIVING THE DREAM. How ungrateful could she be? When she married you, to live with you FOREVER AND EVER, and you BOTH chose to have kids, and I assume you both wanted it, then what the heck did she expect it to be?

Based on your description, other than having a naked picture on your phone, you are the most perfect husband I have ever heard on this forum. In my life. And this wasn't enough? I don't think you'll EVER satisfy that woman.

The friend did see them dancing

I have to ask you a question. It is completely up to you, I know how I feel, and there is no right or wrong answer - were you OK with your wife dancing with a man without you there? Had you and her ever asked about this? How about now - is this acceptable, that she and a friend go clubbing and she dance with men?

I think she is being truthful. I think she is genuinely here in her heart and soul.

You have no basis to believe that. She lied to you for 2 1/2 years, she had a "soulmate" relationship - AND IT WASN'T YOU - for the better part of a year - this is her admission as it stands.

Here is what I see (maybe because every other story on this place seems just like this one): She is desperate to save her marriage, she has two young kids, this dude lives 3,000 miles away and he don't want her, and she hasn't considered what she REALLY wants yet, she is just doing everything she can to survive this trauma, saving THIS OPTION, then she can figure it out, what she really wants.

OK, you are stabilized somewhat, you ain't going anywhere, maybe she doesn't know it yet. Next you just let her do what you need from her. Time will tell. There is no life-and-death situation, no matter what, you both will live, you both will go on to a happy future somewhere.

My suggestion: Blow up the soulmate's side, tell his wife, so this doesn't come back.

What do you do about when she finds other soulmates in the future?

And don't think I haven't been there myself. But you know, having kids and a perfect LIVING THE DREAM situation was not great for her. She had all this guilt, yet she STILL was in contact with him. Less than a month ago, she stole away a half hour to talk with him, he is THAT important to him, to still steal away and talk a half hour when she could be with you (making up to you for all that guilt she's been carrying around) and your kids.

Are you going to ask her to change the phone number? What I like about the changing the phone number is, if you find his stuff on her phone number after that, you know it's new, and you know she had to have given the phone number.

What am I going to do? How do I live with this in my life? How do I get used to this new life? If I lose her, I'll never remarry cuz I only see happiness with her and our family as a whole unit.

I think this is a process. Your expectations were that your wife would stay faithful and you would live happily ever after. Well, she didn't stay faithful. So how does the rest of your expectation stay in place? It's kind of like your life is a big house, and it has a lot of bricks in that life - job, kids, wife, faithful, finances, good food, nice car, sex, companionship, extended family - thousands of bricks. If some bricks fall - my aging parents get sick, for example - that is not the basis of your entire home. But if the "my wife is faithful" brick is pulled out of the house - that is a major brick in the foundation, the whole house might come crashing down.

So I think you have to re-work your expectations and how this new revelation plays into your expectations. Your wife who NEVER was unfaithful and COMPLETELY HAS YOUR BACK ALWAYS - that expectation is gone - goodbye. You have to re-construct some new expectations, a new reality, of how your narrative of your life is about. Can you get a feeling that it was "ONLY ONCE" because it was some guy who danced with her and was such AN ADDICTION she couldn't just stop? I don't know, this one you have to work this out yourself. You're bumping up against some bad truths that are going against what you wish was the truth, but ain't. It's a process. It takes time. I'm sure you will get there, but be open to it.

Typical cheater script.

Only one time

We're just friends now

I ended it

Etc, etc, etc

All cheaters lie a lot.

If they have any contact the affair continues.

Inform the other mans wife without warning. Immediately. It's your best chance to end this.

Just because you found out doesn't mean they'll stop