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My attorney said there was no issue with abandonment for me. I had to get out of the house for my own sanity. I need to detach and start healing. WW showed no sign of remorse. I tried, that's all I could do.

MG, please don't trust your MIL, like mine she will say all the right thing, but blood is thicker then water.

My MIL told me I was like a son, but even thou dear W had 3 affairs, says I'm making a meal of it and bring it up is cruel to my W

What are you going to talk to MIL about?

What can she say that will change things?

Expecting a “come to Jesus” moment from WW?

Manual – It’s no longer about what you want. It’s all about what you are being offered. Right now your wife is offering you two options: Accept being a cuckold or divorce.

MIL won’t change that. Your wife KNOWS the seriousness of the situation and a dressing-down from mommy won’t change anything.

Please Manual – Don’t hang onto excuses. Based solely on what you have shared then it’s one house, comparable income, no kids… Drive on what you have already started. Get the house appraised, check if she wants to buy your share. Move out ASAP and finish the divorce. Get out as soon and as fast as you can.

Think you will be OK next Friday when she’s all buzzing getting ready for her play-date? Think you will sleep fine when she’s not home after midnight? Think you will be fine eating breakfast alone next morning wondering if OM is getting his morning-wood honed? You might not avoid those emotions sleeping in a friends garage, but AT LEAST you will be moving on.

Fact is that by applying pressure you either increase the odds of her pulling her head out of her @ss and wanting to reconcile OR you get yourself the fastest out of infidelity. The more momentum you gather the harder it is for her to catch up but at that time you wont mind.

She has taken my distance and 180ing to run into her boyfriends arms.

Nope. It was her plan all along. She was trying to snowball you with fake remorse so she could keep screwing the other guy. Once you showed you were not going to fall for it, she just bailed. Nothing you did or did not do caused her to become a lying cheating whore.

Detach. And then re-read RebBarons post.

Hi Manual,

I can only echo what others here have said, which is that you are actually handling things incredibly well, even if at times it feels like you don’t know which way is up. It doesn’t help that your WS’s words and actions continue to be so contradictory and manipulative. Others here have commented about the selfishness and immaturity that she keeps displaying, along with a huge disregard for your feelings and emotional well-being. That being the case, you should not waste any time wondering why all of this happened. If you asked her, she would give you a different story on every day of the week, maybe several different stories in a single day if she was feeling particularly inventive. You might as well ask her what color the sky is on the self-serving fantasy planet where her mind is currently living.

With your WS creating emotional chaos for you, you need to look elsewhere for some firm anchors to help you stay grounded. And you have been doing just that, which is great to see. As things stand, you have quite a support team:

Your family;

Your friends;

The good people of this forum (who have travelled the same road);

Your lawyer;

My advice would be to stay in frequent contact with all of them as you go through this. You have a lot of people in your life who want the best for you, and who will be supportive and honest with you. You also have your own common sense and decency, which come shining through every time you post.

Speaking of which, you recently wrote: “She has taken my distance and 180ing to run into her boyfriend’s arms. Talk about humiliating.” Manual, her behaviour reflects a hundred percent on her, not you. You are a good guy who has been crapped on. You have absolutely nothing to feel humiliated about, even if it’s one of the many negative emotions she has brought into your life. Nobody who is cheated on has a reason to feel humiliated. Your WS has a huge amount to feel ashamed of, but it seems like she lacks the honesty and self-awareness to realise that.

In fact, there have been times where she has gone out of her way to hurt you. You even wrote about an example of that in the same post: “Her texts are still coming up on my iMac so she's planning to spend the night with him Friday and Saturday cause he won't have his kids. Also telling him how she can't wait to spend the night with him.” She wrote that stuff being fully aware that you would see it. What does that say about her? She’s acting like a spiteful child who isn’t getting everything her own way, one moment pledging undying love to you, the next moment doing things she knows are hurtful.

You wrote, “Going to be so strange to continue my life without her and start dating other people.” Yes, it will be quite a change, but you will get through it a day at a time, with a lot of people rooting for you all the way. You will take it at your pace, in ways that you feel comfortable with. As time passes, you will realise that this whole horrible ordeal has been a new start for you, and a break from someone who loves herself far more than she loves anyone else. You need someone better than that, and there is no reason why you will not find that person. However you choose to play it, whether you spend some time single, or you begin a new relationship, you will be much, much, much better off than being with a manipulative person who can hurt you without giving it a second thought.

It will get better, Manual.

Sending you a handshake and a hug from England, brother.

It seems like some kind of passive-aggressive thing from your wife, like you won't give her a chance so she'll punish you for it. Or she's just clueless. Or she's just cruel.

I don't think your wife will want to move in with her mom. Her mother will give her shit in a way that you can't.

What is the estimate for divorce to be final?

“She has taken my distance and 180ing to run into her boyfriend’s arms. Talk about humiliating.”

Wrong. Her justifying her decisions because she won't just own them.

If not distance and the 180, it would've been something else. She would say you are too controlling. Or too weak and forgiving. Blah Blah Blah.

She chose to flirt, cheat and lie about blowing and banging the OM and now it's your fault that you were distant? She's fucking delusional

I hope that you will move on with the D.

Work on selling the house or buying her out (which sucks to give her a pile of $ for leaving but you keep a good investment)

Keep close to your familiy and have your sister start chatting you up to her friends.

Be prepared and stay strong when after a while the thrilling fun sexy times cool off with the OM and she's got the kids to deal with and building the relationship with OM which is based on lies and cheating, and the folks at work know what kind of person she is..

In a year I would not be shocked if she showed up acting remorseful and wants to work things out with you...after all you were her first and with her for 14 years.

Hopefully you will be in a new relationship by then or you will remember what she did you, and politely close the door on her.

On the road to your recovery, each day you will think about her less and less, then one day you'll notice that you did not think of her at all

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 2:58 PM, January 23rd (Monday)]

So sorry to hear this Manual. She has shown her true colors at this point. I agree with others, seems like she is being spiteful when it comes to the texts you are seeing. Keep up what you are doing. You deserve much, much better than this. At least all this is happening quickly, very hard on you emotionally, but you won't have to deal with false R, TT and more Ddays. Stay strong brother.

There's no way I'm stopping the divorce, they're basically boyfriend and girlfriend now. She came into the house with her hair all messed up and her heels off. Just trying to make it known that she was fucking OM I guess. I have not been interacting with her at all.

Her texts are still coming up on my iMac

This is an extra level of hell. I was reading my XH's text messages every chance I got and it was making me sick. When I went to IC she suggested that I ask him to go stay somewhere else for a little while so I could get my balance back. Not asking him to move out. But it had the benefit that I could no longer check his phone and ipad and it broke that cycle for me. I felt like I needed to know what was being said between them for my own protection but actually it was making everything worse. Do you have anywhere you can go for just a couple of nights, or can you ask here to go somewhere? My XH couch-surfed then found a friend of OW's had a vacation home in town that he could stay at. He played quite the victim, kicked out of his home in winter, dragging his suitcase down the street. But it was the perfect opportunity for him and OW to play house and boy did they!

Maybe you have already mentioned this, but get your attorney's opinion on if it is healthy to continue living in the same house. My mother used an advocate from a DV group to help get her XH out of the house for health reasons.

Manual

What part of the advice we offer are you following?

Have you looked into getting her to move out or for you to move out?

Have you gotten the house appraised?

Have you started getting your finances in order?

Seeing her come home with her boyfriend, seeing her go out with her boyfriend, waking all night wondering where she is… It’s only going to drive you insane. Don’t hang on to wrong ideas about divorce and it’s finality. Start thinking oxygen-masks and lifeboats because this ride is crashing.

RE your MIL,

I know you feel close and she says she loves you like a son, but...in the end you will lose out on that relationship. I was closer to my MIL than XH was, I kept their relationship solid. But in the end, after all the lip service from her that we would remain close she has dumped me and chosen him and OW. Within months she was staying at OW's house when she came to town. Brainwashed, as my sister says.

Mgtr,

She's gone completely off the rails. Figure out a way to not let her toxicity take you down. Find a way to not live there, following your attorney's advice.

Remember: She's nuts. You are normal.

Stay strong. Keep posting. Rely on your IRL support system and the folks here.

Odd behavior for someone who claims they love you so much, right? Looking back without the blinders of love, has she always been this immature and self-centered? She's in for a rude awakening jumping into a relationship with a father of two. Not much opportunity to be focused on yourself when the kids need to be fed or taken somewhere, but that lesson is down the road a way for her. Hopefully, she'll be a distant memory for you by then. Hang in there.

Bigger is right. What is your game plan? Go for the jugular. Or get the quickest and best deal for you as possible. Dispatch this disease from your life

That's why one of you needs to leave. She's going full beotch. It's bad enough to that she had to end a 14 year marriage to her high school sweet heart by committing adultery, she has to rub it in your face while living in the house you bought because of her. Real classy.

This is a time that you need to REALLY implement the 180 and follow your lawyers advise. With no kids and both of you making similar income, this divorce should be completed very quickly.

Discuss with the lawyer the rules on getting the house listed. The sooner you're out of there the sooner you can begin to heal.

There's no way I'm stopping the divorce, they're basically boyfriend and girlfriend now. She came into the house with her hair all messed up and her heels off. Just trying to make it known that she was fucking OM I guess. I have not been interacting with her at all.

You have to do what you have to do and she has given you no choice so you at least can have a clear conscience. She is putting all her eggs in the OM's basket now but ignoring the large hole that's in the bottom of it.

The good news is this will blow up on her. 6 months from now odds are they will be broken up and she will be begging for you to take her back again. Relationships that are born of affairs have a hilariously short life because in the end they realize they they are both with cheaters and their AP is not better, if not much worse than the BS they left them for. By then it will be too late and she has to live with her bad choices.

tl;dr: You will come up on top when all of this is over and you will end up feeling sorry for her.

She is more worried about proving herself right and making you look like shit. You should be spending every waking second focusing on how to extract yourself in the best possible way.

Ask your attorney if you can get around the abandonment issue by having a written agreement stating both of you agree leaving is based on separating in contemplation of divorce, not abandoning, will pay the share of household expenses.

Agree, she is just doing it that way on purpose to let you see.

I would think the divorce is cut and dried if you just have relatively simple assets and jobs with paychecks. The divorce is a business transaction, equitably untangling the financial partnership, nothing more than that. Just numbers on a page

Will be very hard for you to stay detached w/ her seemingly flaunting it. Do not let her incite you in any way...SHE WANTS A REACTION !!!! She wants to punish you for not letting her eat cake...for not feeding her ego. You were a big meanie for standing up for yourself and filing for D...and telling her mom. How dare you spoil her fun !!

Let her strut around like a proud fucking pig...at the end of the day she's still a lying/cheating pig. Your integrity is well-intact.

Please do whatever you have to to remove yourself from this cancer as soon as possible. The more pain she subjects you to...the longer the healing will take. Staying out of the house for a week or two isn't abandonment. Besides you have JUSTIFIED desertion...her behavior (mental cruelty) is pushing you out. Look it up brother.