SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One other thought, if you do come up with Bigger's list do it over a few days, make it your typical pro and con list. Keep adding to it as your emotions change, don't erase anything.

I am hoping Mech puts KNOWING THE TRUTH at the top of the list…

If not, then I was going to “gently” suggest he have that most important factor on the list.

I’m hoping the list will give him better focus. I am guessing some of the items really won’t matter, some aren’t attainable, some are necessary to even consider R, some are needed to start and some might tolerate a few weeks wait. By guiding Manual in this we can shift him through the gears in the right order (I’m assuming his user-name refers to a manual shift Nissan…)

Just a couple thoughts.

It is really sad that when you divorce, you divorce the whole family. I have not spoken to the xWW in 9 years but I work once or twice a year with my x sis in law, have coffee once or twice a year with xMIL, and FB friends with xFIL they were part of my family.

DDay was 3-4 weeks ago? take 3-4 weeks to let things calm down and settle. Maybe she is becoming fog free and remorseful maybe she is still just panicking. You won't know.

Yesterday you were in the anger phase today you are not, tomorrow or next Tuesday you may feel differently. They say hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is. As far as I can tell you are not indifferent yet and unless she is a psychopath she is not either.

Maybe you work on yourself, she works on herself and go to respective corners for 3-4 weeks which is not living together. TIME is on your side. Use it.

I'd give you a bro hug if I could.

Just a double post

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 7:41 PM, January 19th (Thursday)]

She cried and begged an hour ago in a way I've never seen before. Cursing herself, cursing the other man. She said all she wants is me and if she has to spend the rest of her life making it up to me she will. She was crying at my feet literally.

I would almost believe it. Almost believe she was sorry for her actions. Except for the part where she fucked the guy AFTER you caught her!

She knew she as busted, but still wanted that orgasm. Where was the crying then? Was she cursing him while he was inside her?

If she had acted this way once you caught her then I would say yea, it could be remorse.

No. She is panicked. Panicked because you are not playing along with her plan. Panicked because you are getting off of her retarded merry-go-round. You see she was supposed to screw him and you were supposed to "accept" and "forgive" and stay.

It's emotional manipulation.

[This message edited by ramius at 2:04 AM, January 20th (Friday)]

GTR,

If nothing else, by now you should be certain that YOU ARE NOT SURE WHAT YOU WANT.

And I am telling you that not only is this okay, but is 'normal' for a newly betrayed spouse. Don't beat yourself up, and don't commit to reconcile or divorce. The only thing that you should absolutely commit to at this point is to get yourself out of infidelity. The formula to do this is extremely simple---emotionally detach to a safe(r) level, and watch your WW's actions.

It's the execution of the above that makes things so difficult. You don't turn feelings on and off like a spigot; There is no meter with numbers on it that lets you know when you have detached 'enough'. But the one fortunate thing for you right now is that whether you eventually decide to R or D, the path right now to either one is exactly the same. You have to get yourself into a better frame of mind.

Take in everyone's advice here, but look at confused's last post(s)---you don't need to make a decision to divorce or reconcile today. You SHOULDN'T make a decision to divorce or reconcile today. But what you SHOULD DO is take a few steps back, and give yourself a little space. Believe me, if she wants to reconcile....and I mean REALLY reconcile....then you are going to see it, and feel it, in her actions. But it is going to take time for this to happen. Her actions will need to be consistent OVER TIME to show you what she really wants.

And think about this too---her behavior has been beyond f@cked up for how long now? Being realistic, what would make you think that she would be able to get her shit together overnite? It's just not possible. Even if she wants to save her marriage, she is going to make mistakes along the way. It just depends what kind of mistakes that occur. Trying to 'protect herself' by downplaying information is one thing; contacting the OM again is entirely different.

I also suggest working on the list that Bigger mentioned.

Nah.

She banged the guy after you caught her. She wasn't flopping about and crying then was she?

This has zero to do with you and 100% to do with walking around with a big divorcee chain around her neck.

If she loved or respect you then she would respect your decision and UNPROMPTED quit her job, read books, be 100% working her tail off.

She didn't love or respect you enough not to want to find out what the other man felt like inside her.. TWICE.

No tears then were there?

Tears are manupulation because they show the vulnerability and "remorse" you so desperately need to show demonstrated..and what kind of bastard can remain hard in the face of sorrow and grief?

The snot and tears and begging should have been there the minute she got caught.

Not after she had her fun and barely had a taste of true consequence.

Stay on course sir.

I too married my high school sweetheart so many years ago. I won't say how many but I have children 10 years older than you. We had a our heart breaking times as well. Right now don't make any decisions about divorce or R. Your mind, heart, and emotions will change many times before you settle on your final decision. Is she really remorseful? Is her crying for herself or for the damage and hurt she has caused you and your marriage? Do you really love her? Does she really love you? Love for each other and the building of a strong bond of respect and trust is what saved my marriage. It doesn't happen over night. It takes work and lots of time and communications. I'm saying be prepared for divorce and R. Stay in your home. Watch her actions. Tell her what you expect from her. Let her know that a slip up such as talking to the OP, texting the OP, even sending up a smoke signal will have you leaving ASAP. Everyone says make her quit her job. I wouldn't unless she wanted to. To me her working there and staying no contact with the OP, or shutting him down if he tries to make contact, would be the ultimate test. If she broke the no contact someone would tell you just like they did before. If he tries to contact her she has to tell you ASAP. You also have to understand that there may be slip ups that she can't avoid or are not her fault. She can't control what the OP does but she doesn't have to cooperate either. You have to be tough but not totally unreasonable. Infidelity is like being shot. Unless it is a kill shot and you do the right things, you will heal in time. It will leave a scar and you will never forget it but the pain will eventually become a bad memory. If it is a kill shot then the marriage is dead. You are the one that has to decide if it is a wound or a kill shot. As I told you before, if you R then DO NOT, DO NOT have any children with her for as long as you hurt from what she has done. I believe in second chances. I don't believe in third chances. Breathe, ponder and take your time. I wish you well.

[This message edited by anoldlion at 1:22 AM, January 20th (Friday)]

She's playing the same game with her boyfriend in their conversations at work. You need to heed Bigger's advice soon because if there is a chance you want to reconcile she needs to break up with her boyfriend. The only way you can be assured of that is if she is not going to work and you're monitoring her communications

For your own benefit, google the seven year itch cycle. I think this mess coincides with her desire/fear to have kids.

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:12 AM, January 20th (Friday)]

No Soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:12 AM, January 20th (Friday)]

sorry she threw her at your feet that way.

I understand your confusion going back and forth. Confused is right that you can wait it out and see how she responds but my question to you is how do you know contact was stopped and that she is really remorseful for what she did ?

Rest assured- that if she still works with him they can carry on the affair underground. She might quit him for a while, but the knowing looks, the innuendo, and face to face conversation will carry on, and the sexual tension will still be there.

Then one day they will catch a break and have an opportunity to be physical- in a vehicle, in an unused conference room on the third floor, in a locked office, in an elevator, locked closet, afterhours, etc... and it will be 'on' again. The thing is, they'll be MUCH smarter about it then- they won't get caught, and you'll be 'none the wiser'- busting your azz trying to reconcile and thinking you're getting somewhere.

No matter what kind of controls, transparency, or boundaries you put in place, you cannot penetrate her work environment to insure they aren't carrying on still.

Is that how you want to live going forward? I can tell you from personal experience, it is not. Her, or OM one, has to 'get gone' from that workplace.

[This message edited by Badsitch at 7:48 AM, January 20th (Friday)]

Honestly I think her blubering at your feet has more to do w/ her shame than her willingness to fix things.

She may be saying all the right things, but until she does them, CONSISTENTLY, OVER A PERIOD OF TIME, they are just words.

Keep moving forward, if you want to reconsider in 6 months, then do. But also stop to consider why you would be willing to tolerate a relationship where you allowed someone to make you an option.

(((And Strength))))

I'll reiterate some of the others:

Take some time & space alone to think about what you want. IF it's R...then figure out what ACTIONS you need from her for R to work. Do consider that with R will come years of hard work. Do consider how long, if ever, it will take for you to trust her again. In short, be sure to consider how much of a burden you are taking on yourself trying to R. How long might it be till you don't feel like you have to "police" her anymore...or feel like you are looking over your shoulder.

You may also consider simply following through with the D. However, you can propose to her that you are willing to R after the divorce. If she is willing to do ANYTHING for a 2nd chance...tell her to sign off on a quick D settlement lopsided totally in your favor. Symbolic for you because you consider THIS marriage dead...and she is putting her money where her mouth is. You can propose remarrying (and having kids) her at some point down the line with a prenup in place if R is working. But as it stands you will not have kids in THIS marriage.

Again...take some time & space to figure out what you need/want...there is absolutely no rush here.

manualgtr,

Late to your story here...

I was one also where there was dday after dday regarding a EA. I begged her for months to stop contacting him and to unfriend him.

Then she started screwing him.

We went to MC, all the while screwing him and promising to go NC and to be faithful...

Then I found out it went physical months later when another DD happened and I forced the polygraph or D.

My point here is that I hung in there because we have 5 kids. I wanted to make sure there was no way we couldn't R. I'm still hanging in there.

But she was addicted to the way he made her feel -- desired, wanted, attended to, listened to... She wanted it so bad she just could not bring herself to stop right away, even to the point of asking her daughter to cover up for her.

That was a horrible thing to do. It was all just so horrible! But the attitude and the mindset that chose to do those things are no longer in my WW. She sees how wrong it all was. She just couldn't stop on a dime. It took her some months to break her addiction of the way he made her feel.

Our MC (a new MC) said that she has done quite a bit of counseling with addicted family members. She said that you absolutely could not believe what some previously loving, caring people will do to their families when in addiction. She believes that my WW was addicted.

I think women become more addicted to the emotional aspect of the adultery, and men more addicted to the physical aspect, to grossly generalize.

Your wife just couldn't stop, at least not with the courage and discipline she had (or didn't have). Now how it got started is what infuriates me (as well). She chose to cheat on and lie to me with another man long before she became addicted. That's when she chose. And it was a choice full of conceit, pride, selfishness, resentment, even spite. It was a horrible choice that has forever changed me and our family.

But I have seen that when someone is in an affair, they are out of their mind, and it is very, very hard for some to stop.

So there is my 2 cents.

Good luck and I'll keep you and your wife in my prayers.

A couple of points, just to echo others:

1. You are in the midst of a crisis. I would strongly advise against making a final decision when you are in it.

2. Prepare for divorce. One option to consider is a pre-nup if they are biding your state.

3. Ask for a poly - what ever you choose knowing the truth will help you.

Good luck!

Manual

I just read again all your posts.

All I want to say is that bieve what she has done and is doing, and do Not belive a thing she says!

Is amazing how she was having sex with her soul mate a few days ago, kept contact, etc and now he seems to be the worst thing that ever happened to her... Inconsistency!

Hi Manual,

I have to be honest, my advice to you would be to continue with the D proceedings.

She was busted before she slept with the guy, and she knew how upset you were about the texting/photo relationship, but she continued anyway and cheated. There is no part of that which equates with ‘Love’. Unless it is love of one’s self.

She has lied repeatedly, cannot be trusted, and appears to have taken your love for granted. You deserve much, much better than the horrible treatment you have had over the past few months.

Stay strong, make the break, and find someone who really loves you (rather than someone who loves themselves).

M