SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So this is my story.

I married the woman I love in July last year. At the same time I officially became a step dad to a most wonderful 8 year old boy.

We had some bad news in October, my wife found out she was being made redundant. She loved her job and she’d just been promoted – she made it, she said - and it hit her hard, a lot harder than I realised.

It’s going to get complicated so I apologise if it’s hard to follow along.

On November 14th I secretly left a spare phone recording in the bedroom, and it recorded a conversation between her and her old boss, who at this point they were on the same level following her promotion. It was flirty, but mostly work related, however she asked him when he was coming home to her.

Now before we had started seeing each other she had a thing with this man, she was single at the time however he was and still is married. It didn’t last very long and was over before we started seeing each other. I’m going to refer to this man as Mr A for the rest of the post.

From then on it was snooping after snooping for me, she said there was nothing in the conversation I’d heard but I knew there was more.

Finally, on December 14th I found the evidence I was looking for. However it wasn’t with the person who I thought it was - it wasn’t Mr A. Welcome Mr B, her boss at the time. It had been happening for around 3 months. There was a drunken kiss, which escalated into a date with the intention of more, but my wife says nothing more happened. I’ve read the emails about this night, and he left her – “furious you left,” she wrote. She says she invited him into her hotel room after kissing but he refused.

This happened on 15th November. The day after my world fell apart after I heard her talking to Mr A.

It didn’t end there. The emails continued. But I don’t think they actually saw each other until December 14th. It was a work night out and there were other people there. He asked if she was staying over but she told him she “wouldn’t get a pass with everything that’s going on” (referring to me believing she’s having an affair with Mr A)! I told her I knew about the affair whilst she was out, she spent a few hours with Mr B, talking in a bar and then came home.

She got home about 2am. We talked about it until 4am, both got an hour or so sleep and started talking again at 6am. She admitted the affair, her intentions were for more to happen but there was nothing more than a couple of kisses, a date and a lot of emails.

Whilst we were talking about everything going with her and Mr B, Mr A’s wife called demanding to know why my wife had sent her husband hotel check-in details.

Yep, my wife admitted to sleeping with Mr A in October.

This was all put down to the mess they were all in following the redundancies. I was told she hotel sex was a one night thing and it was closure for all the build-up before my wife and I started seeing each other.

15th December 2016. Dday I guess.

Except it wasn’t.

Everything she told me made sense. At least I thought at the time. I told her that if there was anything else I needed to know she needed to tell me then otherwise we wouldn’t be able to move forward.

Christmas came, we got through it and got through it well. There is so much potential for us to be a perfect married couple.

New year came, we got through it and got through it well.

She has given me all her passwords, access to her banking app, she’s installed Life360 on her phone so I know where she is all the time, and this was all her idea. None of this was her agreeing to what I’d asked.

Proper positive I was. We can make this work.

11th Jan, I was itchy. I checked her bank statements again. There were so many hotel bookings that I wasn’t there for. How I missed

it first I don’t know.

Bang. She admitted that for the last 18 months she’s been having an affair with Mr A. Hotels a couple times a month, any opportunity at work. We got married in the midst of her having an affair. It took her a whole 5 days after we married until she called him. It took a whole of 2 weeks until she slept with him.

Back to Mr B. She said she ended the affair with Mr A in October, she said she wasn’t interested in Mr A anymore because Mr B was now her main interest.

11th January 2017. Dday. Is this dday 1 prolonged or dday 2?

Since I’ve found this out contact with both has been completely stopped. No contact since 15th December. The fact that the redundancy made sure there last working day together was 23rd December helped. Mr A, Mr B and my wife all worked for the same company, and all worked regionally so live in different parts of the country. 50 miles from Mr A, 95 from Mr B.

I could work through 15th December. But not sure about this.

Everything I thought I knew was wrong. Left is no longer left, up is no longer up. I had absolutely no idea. We holidayed, we went on date nights, we got married for goodness sake. And none of this was real.

She doesn’t want to lose me.

With what I knew on 15th December I blamed myself. I have low self-esteem, and I’m addicted to porn. I have been all my life. It makes me miserable and it’s made me unhappy in my relationship with my wife. I have tried to work it out but I haven’t tried hard enough. I had decided to get counselling for it before it all came out but due to the circumstances I hadn’t done it by the time it did all come out.

I blame my porn addiction on my social retardness. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to about this.

I’m breaking down.

The closest people to me other than my wife and stepson are her parents. I feel the urge to tell them, but I can’t. I don’t know what do to.

I don’t understand any of this. Does she love me? Does she care about my feelings? How can someone do this to someone?

I’m devastated. I’ve never felt this worthless.

What do I do?

No soliciting/spamming.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:10 AM, January 13th (Friday)]

No soliciting/spamming.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:10 AM, January 13th (Friday)]

SuperLee someone who can offer better advice than me will be along soon. I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I am so sorry you had to join us here on SI.

First thing you need to learn is that your wife's affairs are not your fault. Your porn addiction may be a problem for you and in your marriage but that does not make it ok for her to cheat on you, twice. She could have demanded you see an individual councellor, she could have given the ultimatum of no more porn or I am not marrying you. She didn't. She cheated on you while getting married to you. That is awful.

I get that she doesn't want to loose you but it is really your choice now if you stay with her or not.

Hang in there.

Rosie

Sounds like your WW never made a real commitment to you. I think if it were me, I'd go for an annulment/divorce and move on with my life. There's a little yellow box in the upper left-hand corner where you'll find good information about the 180 in The Healing Library. It can help you detach emotionally while you're making life decisions.

You're definitely going to need some therapy for not only the porn addiction, but also the betrayal. Consider joining an SAnon group and reading through a copy of Breaking the Cycle by George Collins while you're waiting to get therapy scheduled.

You said "she doesn't want to lose me". That's not what her actions say though. Watch her actions, not her words.

Sorry you are here and in so much pain. We know how you are feeling!

If you decide to stay with your W or D, you REALLY need to read a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Its a free pdf download off the net.

No friends and socially withdrawn lead to a guy that just doesn't turn a woman's crank! Please read the book, it will help you so much.

File for divorce/get an annulment and move on with your life.

This woman never committed to you, has a history of cheating with a married man, and continues to cheat with a variety of men.

She is flat out toxic.

This is supposed to be the best time of your marriage - the honeymoon - and in your case it's all been bullshit and now, heartache.

Cut your losses now, before you have more property to divide and, worse, have to deal with kids - custody, visitation, etc.

It'll be hard, and sad, but you will be much better without this woman. There is nothing to save here.

That you would consider trying R in such a short marriage with no kids tells me you have her on a pedestal. I'm sure there were signs that she wasn't that into you but you ignored them because she's either much more beautiful than the girls you've had in past or she's incredible in bed. Either way you're being blinded by something that shouldn't have such control over you.

You need to file for divorce ASAP. See if you can get this annulled. I never understand how a never married with no kids man can get with a single mom or divorcee with kids. You have too little relationship experience to be with such a person. This goes for both sexes.

Read your post, read her post. Dude you need to get out of there. That is literally such a horrible way to start a marriage and its a poor foundation to build on. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period of your relationship. Literally everything should be pretty easy at this point. I know you have invested five years into her and I know you love her son, but my man you deserve so much better. Its so sad, through my divorce group, mens group, and online forums, I have lost track of the amount of men who not only marry single moms, but help them raise their children only for them to get paid back by them cheating. Seriously, this is how she repays you? I am so sorry man. Lastly, I remember your wife. She posted about a month ago because she felt that you were cheating. Obviously she was just projecting her mindset onto you. She needs a lot of work and quite frankly, I think you have done enough for her.

Is Mr. B married?

Why was your wife divorced before you married her?

It sounds to me as if your wife is a serial cheater, which usually means a deep seated mental issue. Could be low self esteem and childhood sex problems.

At any rate, your wife cheated or is still cheating with two different guys.

Has she stopped seeing Mr. B at this time?

superlee, you could not possibly be more addicted to porn than my FWH was. We were 54 when my DDay occurred four+ years ago, and I cannot tell you the filth I found on his computer. For years leading up to that date, I was starved for sex, for intimacy, but you will note that I am the BW, not a WW. His porn use didn't give me a free pass to go see intimacy elsewhere.

IMO, you've been used. Your WW used you, to get a daddy for her child, a stable home, a second paycheck, and a built-in babysitter. She was never faithful to you and she obviously never intended to be faithful to you. She lied about her wedding vows to you.

Honestly, I would cut your losses tomorrow and seek out a lawyer's advice on annulment. As horrible as it is to say, later on, you will probably be grateful that you found out when you did, vice when you had a child with this monster, and were tied to her for the rest of your life through that child. Seek to put this marriage behind you, and seek individual counseling to get to the bottom of your porn addiction so you can become healthy. You owe this to yourself.

Honestly with all of this I would want an annulment as well. I'd want to put this marriage behind me like it never happened. Check out the reasons for annulment in your state. There is likely something like fraud where you can claim, quite rightly, that your WW never intended for this to be a real marriage.

[This message edited by beenthereinco at 3:38 PM, January 13th (Friday)]

Yeah, you're going to continue to get a lot of direct, somewhat forceful replies. Because what has happened is just so egregious. Your marriage, I'm sorry to say, is a sham. She married you under false pretenses. Forget annulment, I'm not a lawyer but you may even have grounds to recoup your wedding costs as she acted under bad faith.

Consider you finding out now a blessing in disguise. Run. Run as fast as you can.

I got a very strong sense from your post that you are going to struggle because of what you perceive to be your social issues. What if you divorce? No friends? How will you survive?

Part of the deal with this site is that it helps you to survive infidelity. However, one of the ways to do that is to look inside yourself and find the courage to respect yourself and do what's right for YOU. That might very well mean individual counseling for you to deal with the porn and self-esteem issues.

That being said, all of that can be accomplished on your own - you don't need to be married to do it. However, I am concerned that you will not see it that way... feeling that it's just so much easier to just move forward.

Let me give you a little advice. My wife had a 3 year affair. We have reconciled as well as any couple possibly can - now married almost 25 years and the relationship/marriage is far better than it ever was. Guess what? I think about the affair EVERY day. It doesn't affect me like it used to... but I still live with that tiny hole in my heart.

It is almost impossible to totally "move past" infidelity. You are young and have your entire life in front of you. You have no kids. While I am almost always very strong on reconciliation this is one of those cases where even I have to recommend that you have the marriage annulled and move on. I simply cannot see you ever being in a position where your wife can do enough to erase what she has done.

I'm sorry. I know how scary this must be for you. But you can change it. You can improve yourself and find a new life with someone who respects you.

Good luck.

PS. Make sure the other betrayed spouses know.

Run like the wind.

Read and Re-read Walloped and Worndown's posts over and over until they become a mantra in your head.

Silver linings....you could have found out years from now after she racked up another dozen guys or so. Bullet dodged.

My friend...you have never had a "wife" nor a "marriage"...this has been one big stinking lie.

the ONLY move for you here is annulment...period.

Go get some therapy for the porn & social issues you have if you need to....but above all...get away from this toxic sociopath.

slam dunk annullment

Hi all, thank you for all your replies. I've read each one of them many times and I probably will do for a while. I don't know if this is an odd question, it feels quite vain, but on your experience in these forums is this an extreme case of an affair? I know that all affairs, no matter what level they happen to be at are extreme and painful for the person betrayed but there is a difference between what my wife did with Mr A and what happened with Mr B. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, is there any way where reconciliation is possible? Or is this irreparable? - I know only I can make that decision but your posts have been helpful so far.

HardyRose - thank you. I didn't tell her about the porn until I recorded her conversation. And then I only told her because I felt I couldn't expect her be honest if I wasn't being so too. I have to take some responsibility that our marriage failed, she wasn't the only one being deceitful.

Jsmart - I have a kid now though. I knew she had a child when I met her, and I committed to a relationship with both her and her son, and I've followed through on that commitment every single day. I end the marriage and I end the relationship that has developed for most of this little boys life. What has he done to deserve any of this?

Craig2001 - yes Mr B is married. My wife didn't marry the father of her child but they split because they were unhappy. All contact with Mr B has stopped now as far I can tell. She told me that it was him that ended it rather than her, so I find that no contact is easier to believe.

Skan - I may be ignorant but I can't believe anyone would actually do marry someone just to make sure their child had a dad. My faith in humanity definitely needs adjusting though.

Walloped - what do you mean when you say married me under false pretences? Do you mean she didn't love me or didn't respect the marriage vows?

LifeisCrazy - your post is the one I can relate to the most. Yes, I'm terrified. I want to know if you're happy? Is reconciling it with your wife and thinking about it every day better than what it could have been?

Gosh, I think despite the almost textbook nature of adultery, nearly every case is "extreme". What really sticks out about your story though is that your marriage has no history without infidelity. It's like she never made any commitment at all.

My husband and I (married 30+ years) didn't even have our first argument until we'd been married 3 years. Our honeymoon period lasted for 5. You guys don't have that kind of foundation to build on. Your marriage was built on sand.

That's not to say that you can't build from scratch, but is she really going to put in the work to change her character? Because this is a huge character flaw, my friend. I mean HUGE.

Anything is possible if people truly want it enough. You have to BOTH really want it though, and you'll need a really good counselor to help get you there.

Why would the relationship with the child have to end if you divorce?

If she loves her kid, then she should do whatever she can to facilitate a relationship between you and the boy.

The marriage ending is her fault...not yours.

Surely, if she's remorseful, as you believe she is, then she wouldn't punish her child by severing the relationship you have with your son.

I guess I will raise my hand here. I married my second husband to give my oldest son a father. His dad became violent when we discovered I was pregnant...planned,btw. He ordered me to abort. I left and came home to my parents...I was only 19. When my son was a month old, we divorced, and he left for Germany...never saw him again. I met my now ex husband when DS was three months old. We married a year later..And divorced four years later. But he has been his dad from day one. I never stood in the way of that. And, yes, I married him so my son would have a dad. I grew up without my dad...And had a string of abusive stepdads. I knew how much not having a father screwed me up...And I desperately wanted better for my child. I did care for my ex, and I did come to love him. But my primary reason for marriage was to give my son what I never had. And, though the marriage failed, it's a decision I have never regretted. We're great friends now. I wasn't..And I'm not...a horrible person. I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. And, when I knew better, I did better.